Don't Have the Words

The bed shook violently, waking Will up from a particularly deep slumber. He lay there, confused as to why he was awakened, when he noticed Jack's ragged breathing behind him. He tried to muster up the strength to open his eyes, the back of his mind yelling at him that Jack was upset, but he was just too tired. His hand flailed back and made contact with Jack's hip, swatting it listlessly. "M'ck?"

"Sorry, love," the pirate muttered, out of breath but trying to hide it. "Go back to sleep."

Will drew a deep breath in through his nose, still battling tooth and nail with slumber, blinking his aching eyes open and cringing as even the moonlight was too much. "Dream," he croaked out, running his hand down Jack's naked thigh, beginning to get aggravated with himself that he couldn't seem to turn around to see Jack's face.

He felt Jack's arm slink around his chest, drawing him close to his chest in a tight hug. Jack's chin propped itself on Will's shoulder blade, his nose burrowing into his neck. "Sleep, Will," the man said, his voice heavy with slumber or emotion Will couldn't tell.

"Jack," Will said, his voice coming out as a pitiful groan, sleepy and unwilling to work in accordance with his brain.

"Yes, a dream," Jack answered, kissing Will's neck lightly and running a hand down Will's chest slowly, his warm hand making Will smile despite his lethargy.

"A bad one," Will asked as the fog in his brain began to clear, his hand reaching up to lace his fingers with Jack's.

"Awful," Jack whispered, burrowing in closer to Will's back, his arm around him tightening even more. "Horrible."

"What of," Will asked, leaning his head back into Jack's, smiling again as Jack kissed his neck once more.

"Shhh," Jack said softly. "I won't even speak of it."

"Jack--"

"Bad omen to speak of it, Will," Jack said, his voice dark with sincerity. "Can't tell you."

Will sighed, shifting slightly so he could turn his head and just barely see the braid of Jack's beard on his shoulder and the tip of his nose. "Jack, tell me."

"Suffice it to say," Jack said as a shiver rang through him, startling Will with its strength. "It involved my losing you, an' we'll leave it at that."

Will felt a smile creep onto his face and felt a little guilty at deriving joy out of Jack's fear of losing him. "Won't lose me, Jack," he said, hugging Jack's arms around him. "I'll never leave."

"Wasn't of your own accord, love," Jack said, resting his lips against Will's throat and breathing slowly through his nose.

"Oh," Will said quietly, tightening his grip on Jack's hands. "Well, it was just a dream, Jack. I'm right here."

"I know," Jack said, a small smile forming on Will's throat. "Go back to sleep."

Will would have protested but his lids were already drooping. He snuggled as close to Jack as he could and allowed his brain to begin the process of shutting down again. Just as he felt himself begin to float on the periphery of slumber he heard Jack's breath hitch in his throat and his eyes sprang open before he could even tell them to. "Jack," he said questioningly, turning to look at him and frowning as Jack suddenly let go of him and sat up. "Jack, what is it?"

"Go to sleep, Will," Jack said, his voice a harsh whisper as his lips pierced back together, his eyes shifting to stare out into the moonlight through the window. He almost managed to sound angry if there wasn't that hitch to his voice and in his breath.

"It's okay," Will said, feeling suddenly awake, reaching up to draw Jack's hand from his folded arms, cupping it with his other. "I'm alright, Jack, it was just a dream."

Jack didn't even bother to wipe away the tears as they began to fall, instead avoiding Will's gaze and staring out of the window as if something had captivated his attention. "I thought the worst part would be losing you," he said, his voice trembling just the slightest bit. "But it wasn't. Not even nearly."

Will sat up and reached over to touch Jack, frowning when Jack flinched slightly away from him. "I'm right here. I'm fine."

"The worst part," Jack continued as if he hadn't heard him. "Was the feeling that I let you go without you ever truly knowing what you mean to me. That you'd gone to your... without ever knowing-- truly, honestly knowing-- deep down in your gut, exactly what you meant to me."

Will watched with a feeling of helplessness as tears streaked down his lover's face, not even trying to touch him for fear of breaking whatever control Jack needed to continue. "I know," he said softly, tears springing to his own eyes just by watching Jack's. "Jack, I know what I mean to you."

Jack shook his head, finally facing him. Will felt as if his insides were being ripped out by the fear and pain in the older man's eyes. The intensity of them bowled him over, leaving him speechless and without the ability to move. "No," Jack said, shaking his head. "You don't. You couldn't possibly begin to grasp even to a minute degree what you mean to me."

"Ja--"

He turned suddenly, grabbing Will's shoulders. "You must listen to me," he rasped out, blinking owlishly past tears that he didn't even notice. "I don't have the ability, Will, to express what you mean to me. I don't have the words-- the words I need to use to tell you what I feel for you don't even exist," he said, shaking his head rapidly. "I want to write poetry for you, I want to write sonnets, and books, and shanties. I can't though, because I just can't wrap me mind around those kinds of things. I can't even read half of 'em, I just know that that's what you deserve."

Will leaned forward, clasping his hands around Jack's face. "Jack, I know. I know all that."

"No," Jack said, shaking his head, his own hands raising to grasp Will's as well. "I'd do anything for you. I'd take any sword, any shot, any noose, before yours. If I could die so that you'd live one minute longer, I'd die without a second's thought," he said, shifting onto his knees and pulling Will up with him. "I don't say it, and I know I should, but I've made it so hard on myself to share my emotions."

"And I understand why, Jack," Will said, shaking his head, his voice pleading with Jack to understand him. "I don't fault you. What you don't say in words you say in other ways, and what matters is that I know."

"But you should hear it," Jack shouted, leaning even closer still. "I should tell you every minute of every day how much I love you, Will. I should say it to everyone I meet, and show you with every breath I take." He closed his eyes for a moment, overtaken with the feeling of being unable to express himself properly. "I don't deserve you, Will," he said with a soft smile. "You treat me so well--"

"And so do you," Will insisted.

"You trust me so easily," he continued, shaking his head in awe. "With your heart, body and soul. And I do as well, but every time I try to tell you, the words get twisted in me head and all that comes out is a wink and a slurred and garbled sentence that is five worlds away from what I intended to say."

"Jack," Will said, his heart warm and threatening to burst, tears running down his face in desperation. "Don't you know that I know you well enough to read between the lines? Don't you know that when you wink at me I know you're telling me you love me? That when you pass me the Rum, you're telling me you love me? That when you look at me with that look in your eye that only I get to see, and when you smile at me with that smile that's only ever directed at me, that I know-- I know-- you're telling me you love me?"

Jack's face crumbled before his eyes and he sank down to sit on his haunches, his arms lifting helplessly. "But I want to say it, Will. I need you to know. I need to know you know."

"I do," Will said, pitching forward and capturing Jack's lips with his, pouring his soul back into Jack with every swipe of his tongue. Pulling back he glared at Jack until he saw Jack's mouth lift up in the tiniest bit of a smile. "I know."

"Do you," Jack asked, his eyes as vulnerable as Will had ever seen them. His lips poked out like a five year olds did when they were being punished, and hands grabbed at Will's with a grip strong enough to steady a mule. "Do you really?"

"If you love me half as much as I love you, Jack," Will said, kissing him softly as he paused. "If you love me a fourth as much as I do, I'm the luckiest man on earth."

"Twice as much," Jack said, leaning forward and capturing Will's mouth with his. "Four times as much-- ten!"

Will laughed, kissing Jack again before pulling away. "Then this,' he said, sweeping the space between the two of them. "This isn't needed. This profession, this confession, of your love? It's not necessary. You needn't say it again, and you needn't worry ever—ever-- that I don't already know what you can't say in words."

"But I wish I could," Jack whispered, drawing Will to his chest and hugging him tightly.

"You can, and you do," Will said, smiling and reaching up to wipe at the last bit of his tears. "Words or no."