"You can't see it?" The doctor looked slightly furious.
"No," Neelix replied honestly. "What am I supposed to notice?"
"Are you sure there's nothing different about sickbay today?"
"Sorry, Doctor."
"Then go away." The EMH pointed towards the door rudely. "I thought that you out of all the oblivious people on this ship might notice all the hard work I've done. Shoo!"
The Talaxian left, wondering what was wrong with the hologram.
The doors shut, a very familiar sound after six tedious years serving as the only professional doctor on Voyager. The EMH regarded his flower vase unhappily, wondering how to make it more noticeable. He began replicating more flowers, adding to the arrangement gradually.
"Activate Medical Officer's log." He prepared to vent again. "That's four patients today… and none of them commented on this lovely vase. I thought Neelix might have appreciated this display, but it appears I was mistaken. Next time I'll remember that there's never a good enough reason to invite Neelix to sickbay… he comes too often as it is. He's always dropping by to visit the ill. Doesn't he realize he's responsible for more than seventy percent of Voyager's sicknesses? One of the only reasons I'm glad to be a hologram, is that I've never had to sample any of Neelix's cooking. I'm not immune to his chronic cheerfulness, however, and that is almost enough to make me sick. Ah well, I suppose it's not as bad as the stomach troubles I've seen inflicted upon the rest of the crew by that overly-spirited Talaxian's main dishes."
The bouquet had increased to nearly twice its original size. "Magnificent!" The EMH commented upon his creation. "As indicated," He finished his log, now in a better mood. "It is my professional opinion that one's health is greatly compromised when in the company of Neelix or his cooking."
Plop!
"You did it again, didn't you?" B'Elanna was mad. "That's it! She was the last girl working in engineering today! Now I have no help… except for the guys, but they're all lazy."
It looked as if an epidemic had hit engineering, leaving all the female crewmembers in the area strewn about the ground. In truth, they had all fallen victim to 'the' smile.
"Are you listening, Chakotay?" B'Elanna continued ranting. "Look what you've done, man!"
"♫Oops, I did it again!♫" Chakotay sang, jamming to a walkman he was listening to.
The Klingon stared, wondering how long she'd be confined to the brig if she killed him. "I don't believe this. One slow day on the ship and you become a maniac." She removed the earphones forcefully.
"What?" The commander looked longingly at his confiscated earphones. "I was just listening to some twentieth century music… it rocks."
"Well, while you were goofing off, I've been busy! And you've paralyzed all the female crewmembers that know anything about engineering!"
He glanced around innocently. "What? What'd I do?"
"Get out!" B'Elanna pointed, wishing this day would just get over with.
"You have to wait until just the right moment!" Neelix explained. "Timing is the most important factor when baking cookies. You want them to be exactly the right texture."
"I am becoming impatient." Seven of Nine was staring into the oven wistfully, a spoon of uncooked dough in her hand. "Baking confections takes too… long."
"Lots of people feel that way!" The Talaxian laughed. "But I promise it's worth the wait!"
Seven licked the spoon thoughtfully. "I do not see the purpose of baking them anyway. This tastes fine uncooked."
"I agree! But cooked cookies are more presentable… they make great presents!"
"Who would give something like this away? I've spent too much time in this kitchen! These cookies should be for me!" She made her point by shaking the spoon.
Neelix sighed in good humor. "From what I've learned after spending so much time with humans," He leaned towards her conspiratorially. "It seems to be a custom for women to bake desserts for the men they fancy! Maybe you should try something like that?"
Something approaching a snort escaped the Borg. "What would be the purpose?"
"Expanding your social life! Make some friends… or maybe something more, eh?"
"I do not seek a relationship. However, I do want possession of these cookies."
"Come on, Seven!" He folded his arms. "Just try it! You might be surprised what kind of reaction you get!"
She took another taste off the spoon, looking away uncomfortably. "I will… attempt it. Is it against the traditional behavior to only offer one cookie and save the rest for oneself?"
Neelix raised both his eyebrows. "I'd bring more than one. Listen, I'll help you prepare a kind of platter. This is going to be great, Seven!"
She looked doubtful, returning to her vigil over the oven.
"Now this is ridiculous…" The doctor frowned upon receiving a new shipment of fainted girls.
"You don't have to tell me!" B'Elanna deposited the last ensign onto an examination table. "Just revive them so they can get back to work."
"Should I even ask why they lost consciousness so suddenly?" He began scanning the nearest woman.
"Apparently, they're all victim to 'the' smile." She exhaled with irritation. "I don't have time to chat… I'm going to have to cover for all their workloads until you send them back… please hurry, Doc." She exited, a little ungraceful from being angry.
"Humph. 'The' smile…" The EMH repeated with exasperation. "Computer, activate log!"
"Activated."
"I wish someone would explain to me what's so interesting about Commander Chakotay." He spoke into the recording, treating the fainted crewmembers without enthusiasm. "I mean seriously… why doesn't anybody faint when I smile?" He smiled into a mirror just to check and see if he was faint-worthy yet. "Hm. Well at least my forehead doesn't look like somebody scribbled on it with a magic marker. What is up with that, anyway?" He asked demandingly from one of the passed out girls. "And don't tell me that all that dark hair is appealing because I happen to know that a little baldness is attractive in a man!"
He began grumbling evilly while escorting one of the awake crewmen out of sickbay. He was so frustrated; he even forgot to ask her if she noticed something different in sickbay today. "Okay maybe that last bit's not true…" He admitted to the log. "But if it came down to personality I would definitely win! Chakotay is shallowly loyal! He would follow the captain into the Fourth Sun of Renos without a second thought. And all he seems to do lately is sit in that chair on the bridge and say 'yes Captain' over and over and over. At least I'm valuable… right Ensign?"
The Ensign's eyes widened, disoriented from just waking up. "Right what?"
"Forget it… but keep this in your pockets at all times." He handed her an old fashioned bottle of smelling salts. "You never know when disaster might strike."
"AHAHAHAHAHA!" Tom cheered. "We're going warp nine! I love going warp nine! Why don't we go warp nine more often?"
"We're just testing the ship's capabilities…" Janeway looked bored. "Don't get used to this Lieutenant… and stop yelling. This is a test… this is only a test…"
"Of the emergency broadcasting system?" Harry began cracking up at his own expense.
"What?" Chakotay turned around to look at him.
"Oh… old world humor… sorry." Harry cleared his throat and resumed pushing buttons.
Seven of Nine walked onto the bridge, carrying a plate. She started looking around the room, eyeing each guy in turn.
"Yes, Seven?" Janeway blinked.
She didn't answer, but marched over to Chakotay with a purposeful look on her face. She stared at him as if she didn't know what to do next.
"Yes, Seven?" He looked at her, halfway wondering if he was about to be assimilated.
"Would you like a cookie?" She said awkwardly. "I… made them."
Chakotay looked surprised. "Um… not now, Seven."
"But I spent so much time baking!" She tried to remember Neelix's advice. "Don't you like me?"
"This is the bridge!" Janeway reminded the Borg. "No munchies on the bridge!" She pointed to a list on the wall that said 'NO MUNCHIES ON THE BRIDGE!'
"You are hampering my social life!" Seven scolded the captain. "Now eat a cookie, Commander!"
Janeway gave Chakotay a 'don't you dare' look.
"I'm going to have to pass." Chakotay explained sheepishly.
Seven looked momentarily crushed. "Fine. You are not the only man on the bridge." She strolled over to Tuvok.
"I do not want a cookie… whatever it is." Tuvok put a hand up to stop her advancement.
"But Neelix said you'd be receptive!" Seven despaired. "Since you're all interested in my growth as an individual you should be humoring me!"
Tuvok sighed eerily. "Is this a human tradition? Because my observations would prove that I am not a good candidate for your experimentation."
"Why not?"
"I am married."
Seven considered. "This… cookie business is really serious! You'd think I was proposing marriage!"
"Well…" Janeway looked a little less bored. "Why else would you bring desserts to a guy?"
"I had no idea this was so hard." Seven sniffled, approaching Harry determinedly. "Do you want a cookie?"
Harry looked at the plate nervously. "You know, Seven… it really does mean something romantic when you bring cookies to someone."
She lifted an eyebrow as if to ask, 'so?'
"I just don't think of you that way." Harry nodded cheerfully.
"Hm." She frowned a little bit, concentrating on what course of action to take.
"No offense…" Harry kept smiling.
She maintained silence, staring at the ensign coldly.
Harry began to shrink away. "Why don't you just go ask Chakotay again?"
Seven looked downward at the baked goods, contemplating the three rejections. Suddenly, an idea occurred and she picked up a cookie between two fingers. "Harry," She smiled, lifting the cookie up to face level. "It's the Starship Enterprise!" She pointed at the cookie with her other hand, an open mouthed grin plastered on her face.
"Uhhhh…" The ensign was confused.
She began waving the cookie to and fro enticingly. "Look at the Starship Enterprise! It's looking for a docking port!" With this she pointed at his mouth, winking.
"Uhhhh…"
"Open the docking bay doors!" She continued, making the cookie fly towards his mouth.
"Just eat the damn cookie so we don't have to watch this anymore." Chakotay grumbled.
Harry opened his mouth obediently. Seven popped the Starship Enterprise in and then returned to her natural self. "Is it acceptable?" She set the platter on his console and folded her arms behind her back.
"It's good…" Harry said through chocolate chips. "You did good, Seven."
"Do you require another?"
He thought about it. "You know, I wouldn't mind!"
"Look!" She picked up another cookie. "It's the USS Excelsior! And it's docking!"
"Uh… Seven, you don't have to do that… just give me the cookie!"
"Open the docking bay doors!"
"Give me the cookie."
"Open the doors." She looked sternly. "Or else I'll decide this relationship is getting off on the wrong foot."
"Relationship?! Give me that cookie… give it!"
"Why don't you ever do that?" Chakotay asked the captain, pointing at Seven flying the cookie around.
"What? You want me to do that?" Janeway watched Harry snatch the cookie from the Borg.
"Sure, why not?" The commander nodded.
"It's… weird…"
Suddenly, Tom Paris' eyes grew extremely wide. He gasped as he snapped his new seat belt on and then pushed a conspicuous red button violently. The ship made the extreme transition from warp nine to a complete stop.
"Ahhhhh!" Everybody on the bridge (except for Tom, he had his seatbelt on, smart boy) flew to the front of the ship, landing under the view screen in an undignified heap.
"Transporter room," Tom tapped his comm-badge hectically. "Beam up these coordinates now!" And then he un-strapped his belt and dashed off the bridge.
"Ow…" Janeway complained, shoving Tuvok off of her. "What was that for?"
"No…" Harry began wailing. "My cookie! Chakotay rolled on it!"
"Your loss is minor," Seven said, crawling out of the pile with her arms. "He also crushed all my cookies… and me. Get off, Commander."
There was a moment of awkward struggling and flailing limbs, but eventually everybody was standing again.
"All those hours… wasted." Seven lamented. "What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Sorry," Chakotay was dusting crumbs off his uniform. "But I think Tom is to blame… what did he do that for?"
"I want my cookie." Harry said in a soft voice.
"I want my hairbrush!" Janeway said, trying to fix her hair with her fingers. "What if we suddenly made first contact? I can't look like this!"
"You look fine." Chakotay continued to brush away cookie fragments.
Harry looked murderous. "Don't be so casual! Give me my COOKIE!" He grabbed Chakotay by the collar.
"Return my cookies." Seven added blandly, shaking the commander by the arm.
"FORGET THE COOKIES!" Janeway ordered. "Where's Tom? I've got to talk to him."
Just as suddenly as he had left, Paris ran back to the scene of the crime looking immensely jolly.
"Explain yourself, Lieutenant." Janeway said dangerously.
Tom smiled and held up a tiny, shiny object. "Can you believe it? There was a nickel out there! This baby's worth five cents, Captain!"
"You stopped the ship for that?" Chakotay seemed to hold his breath, lest violent urges escape him.
"Yeah, isn't it cool?" Tom flipped the coin in the air, catching it deftly.
"My baking was worth a great deal more than five cents." Seven pouted. "And I'd almost won over Mr. Kim, too."
"The ship's safety is worth more than that trinket, as well." Janeway scolded. "I thought you were more responsible, Tom."
Tom looked chagrined. "This is a historical object from Earth. Don't we want historical objects?"
"Not at the expense of our health!" Harry said, rubbing a bruise he had just obtained.
Seven sensed an opportunity. "Neelix has also informed me that applying medical aid to somebody is a good step towards a relationship. I believe I have such equipment in the cargo bay."
"Why do you want a boyfriend all off a sudden?" Harry edged away from her. "And why me?"
"Seeing as my first two choices resulted in a failed attempt," She tightened her jaw. "You are the obvious target."
"I'm your third choice?" He looked insulted.
Janeway held up her hands. "Get back to work everybody… and remember to keep your priorities straight next time, Mr. Paris."