Disclaimer: You want to sue me? Fine. You'll earn yourself a black eye. It's your fault for not knowing I don't own Harry Potter or SpongeBob in any way! So don't yell at me!

Reaka: Hello everyone! Here's the third chapter of Ron Weasley Kills! The votes are in, and the winner is...well you just have to read to find out!

To the Reviewers!

Reese Craven: Really? I'll remember that next time I get flamed. Thank you for your vote, and I'm glad you liked it!

Ginervas-devil-within: Thank you for sorting out my confusion. I agree. The sponge is evil.

TheYeti02: A SpongeBob fan...that likes this? (blink blink) Wow. I must be good! Thank you very much!

0x0emily0x0: Thank you very much for your vote.

Fool Moon: That's one of the main reasons I can't stand it either. I feel your pain. Thanks for your review.

Hermione: Really? You like it! Thank you! I hope you like this one!

All right, you're all tired of me stalling and you want to know who the person Ron's going for help to is, right?

Impatient Readers: Well...yes!

Reaka: Well, now you're going to find out! The person is...

The Unlikely Helper

Ron left the Dursley's as quickly as he could. They were probably celebrating Harry's disappearance anyway. It would give them a good reason to kick him out. There was nowhere else for him to go but up.

"There must be some place that I can go without getting attacked and forced to watch a big, yellow, sponge!" he thought. "That thing is a nightmare! And now, it's kidnapped my friends! Who will I turn to?"

Suddenly, he looked down, and he realized he was flying towards the Malfoy Manor.

"That's it!" he thought. "I'll get help from the Malfoys! They hate anything Muggle related, so why not?"

He flew down to the mansion and jumped off his broom. He landed gracefully on one foot. His other foot kicked out in front of him, and his hands held his broom.

"All that's missing is your tutu," said the familiar voice of Draco Malfoy. " What the hell do you want here Weasley? If you're looking for money, I'm not going to give it to you."

"No," Ron answered. "I need your help. A big, yellow, retarded, cartoon sponge by the name of SpongeBob is brainwashing the Muggle world into liking the crap he calls a TV show."

"And how does that affect me?" Draco asked.

"Because now he's going after witches and wizards!" Ron answered. "You and your family could be next, Malfoy! Do you really want your life to run around a retarded, Muggle sponge?"

Lusius Malfoy had overheard Ron's statement as he stood in the doorway. He'd just waxed his pimp cane. (Hehe. Thank you Fool Moon!) And he was about to use it on Ron to kick him out when he heard that statement.

"A Muggle sponge is threatening the wizarding world?" Lusius asked. "Come inside. We need to talk. Tell me everything you know."

To Draco's dismay, Ron was let in and seated at his favorite chair. Severus Snape was seated on the couch.

"This is something I thought I'd never see," Snape said, "the other most retarded pureblood wizard, besides Sirius Black, sitting in the Malfoy Manor. Are you drunk, Weasley?"

"No!" Ron yelled. "The wizarding world is in danger! And it's all because of a sponge!"

Ron told his painful story about how a friendly visit with Harry Potter turned out to be an evil brainwashing scheme from SpongeBob Square Pants. The three wizards listening to this story stared wide-eyed, and they started shaking visibly.

"I need a drink," Lusius said.

"And there's more," Ron continued. "He's kidnapped Harry and Hermione to make sure I go there to face him."

"What happens if you don't?" Snape asked.

"They'll be drowned," Ron answered, "in SpongeBob merchandise! That's a fate that's worse than death."

"It is death you retard!" Draco exclaimed. "They'll be drowned in it! Drowned as in no air! Are you stupid?"

SMACK!

Lusius hit his son with his pimp cane very hard on his head.

"You don't say that when there's an evil plot going on!" he yelled. He hit his son again in his face. Draco fell to the ground, knocked out.

"So I need help from one of you," Ron said. "I don't think I can do it alone."

"I'll help you Weasley," Snape said. "Unlike the Malfoys, I've seen this vile sponge. It's one of the most retarded things I've ever seen! And that's including Potter on my list! Actually, it's the most retarded thing I've seen. Believe me, I've seen a lot. If you got help from one of those two, they might be brainwashed as well. Do you see why it's wise to get someone who's witnessed it?"

Ron nodded.

"Good," Snape stated. "Now, you and I are going to make a stop at Hogwarts. We're going to need a gillyweed."

"Why a gillyweed?" Ron asked.

"Because in the opening crap," Snape explained, "it says that he lives in a pineapple under the sea. We can't breathe underwater, so we're going to need it. Understand now?"

Ron nodded, and the two of them started to leave the mansion.

"Well, good-bye then!" Lusius said. "While you're doing that, I'm going to beat up my son and physically abuse him!"

Snape and Ron looked at him, scared.

"What?" Lusius asked. "It's what other fanfiction authors say I do! And that's just the PG-13 rated ones! The rated R ones they think I..."

Ron and Snape got on their broomsticks and flew out of there as fast as they could. They really didn't want to hear what Lusius was going to say next. As fast as their brooms would carry them they set off to Hogwarts to get the gillyweed they needed.

Meanwhile, SpongeBob sat in his office with a fishbowl over his head with water in it. He gave his kidnapped victims air. Harry and Hermione were across from each other, chained to different walls. SpongeBob laughed that horrible, strangled sheep laugh again as he stared at Hermione.

"If only you were a sponge," he said. "Oh well! I'll just kill you anyway when your red-haired friend gets here! He won't stand a chance!"

"Ron will save us!" Hermione said. "There's no way he'd let an annoying little sponge like you try and kill us!"

"Don't be too sure," SpongeBob replied. "Why isn't he here yet then?"

"Because you didn't tell him the location of your pineapple," Hermione said. "He just knows it's underwater."

"Oh!" Spongebob said.

"See? You are a stupid sponge!" Hermione exclaimed. "How did you get to be so popular anyway?"

"Why don't you ask Harry?" SpongeBob asked. "He seems to really like me."

They turned to Harry. Harry, despite the fact that he was chained, was trying to imitate that stupid laugh of SpongeBob's.

"Look Hermione!" Harry said. "It's SpongeBob! He's really here!"

SpongeBob laughed and looked into his crystal ball again.

"He's got that greasy freak with him!" he said in dismay. "They won't get here in time."

Hermione glared in the sponge's direction.

"No matter," SpongeBob said. "Your death will be quick. I'll be sure of that. Patrick! Squidward! Take our prisoners to their chambers! Prepare them to be drowned in my merchandise!"

Ron and Snape stood over the ocean staring into the depths.

"Are you ready Weasley?" Snape asked.

"Yes, sir," Ron answered.

"Good," Snape stated. "You know, this would be the appropriate time to say that I love you wouldn't it?"

"Really?"

"Not a chance. You're not my type. But since we might not come out of here alive, I love you."

"I love you too."

Putting the gillyweed in each of their mouths, Ron and Snape jumped off the cliff they were standing on and dove into the ocean below in search for the pineapple under the sea.

Snape: Attention readers! I just want everyone to know that I'm not gay! Even if I were, I would never go for a Weasley.

Ron: You know you can't resist the Weasleyness Snape. Just admit it. I'm not gay either. And I'd never go for Snape.

Reaka: Uh, Ron?

Ron: What?

Reaka: Reese Craven and I are planning on co-writing a story.

Ron: So what does that have to do with me?

Reaka: You and Ginny are fighting over the same man.

Ron: In the words of Aoshi Shinomori in RKUM (Ruroni Kenshin Underwear Models for those who don't understand) I will kill you.

Reaka: Great! Now, please leave nice reviews! And if you do decide to flame me because you didn't heed my warning ::cough cough ned and Ginnywea! Cough:: please actually tell me why it sucked! How am I getting constructive criticism if you're just telling me how horrible it is? Tell my why it's so bad! Okay? Now that that's settled and out of my system, review please! See you around!