Entry 4
Sonic's been away for a few days, so I've had some time to think about everything. That's kind of good, but it's given me some trouble, too.
I have, of course, continued to clean up after him. I visit his home on a daily basis. Yes, I know what you're thinking… if he hasn't been to his apartment for several days, what's the point of keeping on going there? It's just that I want so much to be near him. Like I said before, when I'm there, I feel everything related to Sonic all around me. It's a feeling of being close to him in a way unique to me, just me. It's the feeling that I wish I could get from the actual Sonic.
I went on a walk yesterday, through the same park that I danced through when Sonic agreed to go on that date with me. When I thought about that, it occurred to me just how much of my life revolves around Sonic. I mean, I identify some things based upon their relationship to Sonic. I do have a few friends other than Sonic—but those are all people that Sonic himself knows, like Tails. I wouldn't know them if I didn't know Sonic.
I kinda-sorta feel like I should have more of my own life—but that goes against the very thing I'm trying to do! I mean, if I'm trying to make Sonic and myself come together and be a couple—isn't the point of that to reduce the differences between our lives and create a new, joint life?
Okay, so we aren't a couple yet, I'll admit, but still…
Right now I'm feeling this strange mixture of disappointment and longing. I'm disappointed with both of us, really. I know it would have been unrealistic to imagine us getting really close on the first date, but I actually feel farther apart from him now than I did before we went on the date. That, in turn, increases my longing, the emptiness I feel without him.
Oh, this is awful! I'm supposed to be keeping a diary so that I'll be able to say and write the things I'd have trouble saying or writing elsewhere. But now that I write it, I realize how… how… simple I must sound. I mean, what am I, really? A pink furball who follows Sonic all the time. I can only define myself in terms of Sonic.
And then, when I try to think about that as a problem, I keep telling myself that that's how I want it…
Can you see now why having so much time to think has been a bad thing? It almost makes me wish for the old days, when our lives were so crazy I didn't have the time for reflection. That's an intolerably selfish thing to think, I know, because the days of Robotnik caused a lot of suffering to a lot of people. But still, at least whenever Robotnik took me hostage Sonic saved me, and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. Why? Because he was so near, and it was so easy for me to tell myself he was rescuing me because he cared for me.
You know, that's weird too. I've been thinking about that a lot recently—did he rescue me because I was a hostage, or did he rescue me because I am me? I've started to realize how often I've projected what I want Sonic to be into his actions—I'm trying to say that I've interpreted him to suit me. I realize that, after all this time.
But realizing that is a problem itself, since now I have to wonder—are all the things I've thought about Sonic true, or are they simply my fantasies? What does he truly think? And trust me, after I've devoted so much of my life to him, not knowing what he thinks is a very scary dilemma.
What I feel now more than ever is desperation for him to return, if for no other reason than to break up my thoughts! It seems like I work better—or at least relate to Sonic better—if I act with my heart instead of my head. I know, that's one reason I keep getting into trouble, but at least then I feel good; right now I feel like my mind is strangling me. I'm scared that if I keep on thinking like this, I'll lose…
… well, I'm not quite sure. But I can't stand it.
And then I get to thinking about other things that make me feel bad. You remember how my plan was to have him buy things and be really gracious about it? Come on, Amy, where would Sonic keep money? In his shoes? He bought his ticket online; he tries to never carry cash. Stupid, you were angry at him over something he couldn't do!
But even that gets odd when I think about it. How often have I admitted I'm wrong? Not that often. Yet there I was just now, calling myself stupid. I suppose it shows I've grown a little. But being able to regret mistakes isn't any good on its own. I still can't stop myself from being stupid. Well, that's just the next thing to work on, right? Then again, I can't work on anything to do with Sonic when he's not here; all I can do is stew in my own juices, waiting for him.
Sonic, come back soon!