Entry 6
What a weird week it was! All sorts of ups and downs, the kind of week that leaves you dizzy and happy you survived.
First things first: Sonic stood me up. Oh, I was furious! I waited for him at the theater but he never showed. I had even dropped by his room on my way to the theater, but he was nowhere to be found. I'd just sat down to write to you, diary (and I'm sure I would have said some dreadful things) when he knocked on the door to my room. He said that he felt really bad, that he'd just plain forgotten and he was so sorry we'd missed.
It made me feel terrible seeing him like that. Sonic apologizing is like a hippo tap-dancing, it's just not made to do it and it certainly isn't graceful! So I forgave him in a hurry, he was making me uncomfortable. He thanked me and promised to make it up to me.
We talked a while after that. It was fun, helped to hide my confusion.
I believed him about his being forgetful. It only makes sense, really. He just doesn't value me that much, like the CD you liked enough to buy but not enough to play. He acts out liking me without actually liking me.
But if that's true, then why-oh-why did he treat me so nicely the next night?
He arrived with flowers—"Roses for a Rose," he said—and left me with a smile and a hug and a warm feeling that wouldn't go away, not that I wanted it to. The kind of feeling that isn't 'good' exactly, but that sucks up your attention and won't let you sit still.
I don't even remember what the date was.
Hold on a minute, diary. Just thinking about it is making me squirm.
It was so unusual for him to do things for me. I spent all this time chasing him that when he turned to me I got whiplash. Far be it for me to complain, though!
Still, something feels strange. Was he just making up for standing me up, or did he feel something more? It's so hard to tell. I'm finally beginning to understand something. When I was younger I didn't care what he actually felt. I wanted him, and if I could chain him to me through marriage, then he wouldn't get away. He'd be mine!
I'm starting to grow up about a few things. I still think that a straight-out marriage would be the best thing, the safest thing, but I'm starting to realize that other people's feelings matter. I'm also getting smart enough to know that I don't understand Sonic's feelings.
I wish I did. It would mean everything to me.
I hate not knowing.
That's why it's taken so long for me to get back to you. I had to spend time sorting out my thoughts and feelings.
Oh, gosh, I'm so embarrassed! When I put it that way, it makes it sound like I have an answer. I don't, I really don't.
My only answer right now is that I'm a girl. Not an especially smart or fast girl, but one with a lot of love. I only hope I can get Sonic to see it.