Title: From PoA to PoRN (01)

Author Name: SpongeBob (AKA The Collective Mind of Jayde and Sirena Lupin)

Author E-Mail: iloveseverus@yahoo.com

Summary: When Emily Finch's dad, gaffer extraordinaire on the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban set, finds his daughter reading a disturbing fanfiction on the Internet, he starts a chain reaction of events that bring the authors -- and their minds -- to the set.  JKR wants them to make a great film, but they have a deadline:  The movie must still be out by June 4, 2003.  Can they do it?  Will they kill someone in the process?  Will Jayde ever really get her H/D? (the answers are yes, yes, and no, but not in that order.)

THIS CHAPTER:  The girls find out who's on the phone, and hell starts to freeze over.

Rating: R/NC-17?

Category: Humour/Parody

Warnings: Slash, het, cross-gen het, cross-gen slash, allusions to incest, teens perving on men old enough to be their (grand)fathers, Slash, crude language, crude humour, sexuality, chains and whips (and not that way!), Slash, naked boys, naked girls, naked household pets, naked wild animals, and the all too often use of the phrase "y tú mama, tambien."  THIS FIC INCLUDES REAL PEOPLE.  Wh00t.

Archive: Here, there, and anywhere on request

Author's Notes:  This is chapter one.  If you'd like to read the fic in bits and pieces as the process of writing is going, or you'd like to be a beta reader, please go to .

DISCLAIMER:  This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  Additionally, this fic uses the names of real people in the credits of the Harry Potter movies (and not just stars, too!).  We do not know these people.  We merely used their names to add a depth to the fic, because if a movie set just had actors and no gaffers, there would be no movie.  Props to Warner and all the people who made the two (three?) movies possible.  We don't mean no harm!  Also, we're not associated with the VMAs, the whorish tongue-kissing between Madonna, Britney, and Christina, or the violation of the wonderful song "Like a Virgin" by the likes of those two...  MTV Floozies. 

From PoA to PoRN

By Sponge Bob

"'Ello, there," said a woman with a British accent on the other end. "Have I reached... ah... one of the Lupins, then?"

Sirena snickered. "Mara, your accent is terrible. You'd better HOPE you can go to England for Basic, because that's just..."

"Pardon me, miss... perhaps I have the wrong number..."

Sirena's eye widened and she bit her lip, shooting a glance at Jayde. "I'm sorry... ah... who were you looking for?"

"Well... Jayde and Sirena Lupin? Dreadfully sorry, anyways... I'm calling from England, you see... anyhow..."

"No! Wait! This is Sirena..."

Jayde quirked an eyebrow at Sirena. "Who is it?"

Sirena shrugged. "Some British lady..." she mouthed. "May I ask who's calling?"

"This is Jo Rowling. I'm the author of..."

"BULLSHIT YOU ARE!" Sirena blurted, laughing. "J, this lady says she's JK!"

Jayde chuckled. "Nutter..."

"You can call me Jo, if you want, Ms. Lupin," the woman said, slightly alarmed.

Sirena rolled her eyes. "If you're JK Rowling, then answer me this..."

"Anything... well..." she paused. "Almost anything."

"Why does Snape have no sex life?"

JK Rowling's blink of alarm was nearly audible before she laughed. "Actually, that was what I wanted to talk to you and Jayde about. You seem to have a... different perspective on the character of Severus Snape... and Lucius Malfoy, for that matter... You've portrayed them far more... spiffy and... pink than I ever would have imagined..." she paused. "I love it."

It was Sirena's turn to blink in alarm. "...sorry?"

"You might say I was looking for a... shiny and new perspective for the third movie..."

Sirena pulled the phone away from her face. "She's looking for a shiny and new perspective for Azkaban!"

"How can you make Azkaban shiny and new? Dress the Dementors in spiffy pink bikinis?" Jayde paused, then glanced from Sirena to her computer and back to Sirena. "Wait... She… Does that mean what I think it means?"

Sirena shrugged and turned her attention back to the phone. "Um… Ms. Rowling…"

"Call me Jo, dear. I think we'll be rather close by the time this is over, don't you?"

The pieces started clicking together in Sirena's head. "When what is over?" she asked suspiciously.

"Well," Jo said, "The papers aren't quite ready yet, and you'll have to find a solicitor to go over the information with you, but I really hope that you'll decide to accept my offer. I want you two here, onset, helping Alfonso and Steven with the directing and the script."

"WHAT?" Sirena screeched into the phone.

A string of noisy bursts of excitement mixed with obscenities could be heard from the girls' room that night, as they celebrated their "victory."

The girls found themselves on a plane headed for England in no time.

They had been given a copy of the cast list and the script so they could prep themselves for the first day of shooting they would attend (only a day after they arrived on set!), and Jayde and Sirena had indulged in that for a while. But, as most teenage girls do, they got bored with the script and decided to move on to more productive things.

Sirena had taken to freaking out the adults and small children in the seats behind them. She turned away from her victims after a final hiss and lunge, and focused on her friend. She was peering between the seats of the plane, giggling softly to herself.

"What'cha lookin' at?" Sirena asked her friend.

Jayde looked away from the small gap in the chair. "Chamber of Secrets," she said, giggling, "the kids are watching it."

Sirena pushed Jayde away from the gap in the seats and caught sight of Jason Isaacs on the small screen of the DVD player positioned between the two small children in the seats in front of them. "Ooooh...." she whispered, "shiiiiny..."

Jayde giggled again. "We just HAVE to get him, don't we?"

Sirena nodded. "Oh, yes," she said, eyes still focused on the little screen, "he will be in this movie."

* * *



Eight hours and many, many miles found their feet planted safely on London soil. Jayde was on the phone with her fretting mum and Sirena was, once again, freaking people out. Of course, now that she wasn't in a plane, it was actually frightening. Even Jayde was scared a little. "Eh, Sirena! Mum wants to know if we've found that escort person that Warner said would be here...?"

Sirena poked the man in front of her, whose face acquired a deer-in-headlights look, and nodded. "This'll be him," she said. "See? He's got the sign that says 'LUPIN.'"

"We found him. He looks positively scared, though. I wonder why... well, I'll call you again when we get to the set. We've got a meeting, I think, right after we get there. But, um, I'll talk to you after that." Jayde didn't wait for a response from her mum and flipped the top of the flip phone down. "I've always wanted to do that," she told the frightened man that Sirena continued to poke, "you know, like the important people in movies? I'm an important person now."

The man blinked and pointed to the door. "Um... we.... Um."

"Um?" Sirena said, poking harder. "Um what?"

"We. Um. I'm supposed to take you to the set."

Sirena nodded. "Yes, we got that. Why don't you have an accent?"

"Accents are pretty," Jayde added. "I can't wait to hear Dan and Tom... mmmmm..... Potter!" she said, imitating a British accent rather poorly. "Potter! Potter! Potter!"

Several of the people in the airport looked at her oddly.

"Are you all right?" one man asked her.

Jayde's face broke out in a wide, Cheshire cat-esque smile. "I'm SPIFFY!" she cried out, "POTTER!"

"Don't mind her," Sirena told the man, "she's just forgotten her meds. Jayde, doll, let's follow the nice man to the car, and I'll give you your pills out there..."

"POTTER!" Jayde cried one more time before Sirena dragged her out of the airport, following the frightened man.

Sirena was about to shove Jayde into the vehicle, as the frightened man had just opened the door for her to do so, but the car itself then caught her eye and she let go of Jayde (who bounced in place chanting 'Potterpotterpotterpotterpotter'). "Shiiiiinyyyyy....."

The frightened man fidgeted with his hands and cleared his throat. "Hrm yes... well... if you would kindly... get her in there? ...PLEASE?"

Sirena snapped out of her reverie of the shiny limo long enough to push Jayde in and jump in herself. The man shut the door and got into the drivers seat just before he realized his one vital mistake...

Sirena gave Jayde her pills just before she spotted the mini-fridge and pulled it open. Jayde's eyes widened. "Sirena... what are you..."

"Oooooh.... booooooze...."

"Sirena... Sirena, NO!"

Sirena grabbed at the bottles, but before she could actually get hold of anything, Jayde had smacked her hands away. "No touchie!" the black haired girl screamed. "Bad, bad Sirena!" She looked around for a newspaper she could hit her friend with, but, alas, there wasn't one to be found.

She settled, instead, for thwapping her friend in the head with the three hundred page script in her hands.

Sirena slowly pulled her hand out of the little fridge. "What was that for?"

Jayde looked from the script to her friend and then back to the script. She shrugged. "You can't get drunk yet. We have to make a good first impression on Alfonso. And Jo, of course."

"But... she already loves us!"

Jayde arched an eyebrow. "But does Alfonso? We have to be totally... normal."

Sirena shrieked. "How dare you speak the... the... N WORD!"

"I didn't say N Sync!"

Another shriek. "There you go again, cursing up a bloody storm!"

"I'm not cursing at all!" Jayde cried, walloping Sirena with the scrip again. Sirena grabbed it, and they both played tug of war with the script for a moment before the pages ripped in half and went flying around the limo.

The girls, wide-eyed, turned to each other. "Ummm..." they both said.

"I think 'we're fucked' summarizes it nicely." Sirena said.

Jayde looked around her. "Couldn't have said it better myself."

Sirena sighed, attempting to gather the pages, but she found her balance was rather impaired, as they were in a moving limousine. She crossed her arms and sat back down. "Well... what's the works Alfonso can do, anyway? Spank us?" she paused. "Actually, that could be fun..."

"/Speaking/ of fun, have you spoken with your cast replacement yet?" Jayde asked.

Sirena nodded enthusiastically. "He's flying in from New York this evening."

"Where's he staying?"

Sirena shifted nervously, a bit of colour coming to her face.

"Sirena..." Jayde warned.

"Well... we won't DO anything while you're in the room... you know... aside from sleep," she whined slightly. There was a pause and Jayde arched an eyebrow. "Ok, ok... so maybe some groping... but nothing you'll know about. Promise."

Jayde sighed. "You're incorrigible."

"And you're any better?"

"Well... no, no I suppose not."