Title: From PoA to PoRN (02)

Author Name: SpongeBob (AKA The Collective Mind of Jayde and Sirena Lupin)

Author E-Mail: iloveseverus@yahoo.com

Summary: When Emily Finch's dad, gaffer extraordinaire on the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban set, finds his daughter reading a disturbing fanfiction on the Internet, he starts a chain reaction of events that bring the authors -- and their minds -- to the set.  JKR wants them to make a great film, but they have a deadline:  The movie must still be out by June 4, 2003.  Can they do it?  Will they kill someone in the process?  Will Jayde ever really get her H/D? (the answers are yes, yes, and no, but not in that order.)

This Chapter: The girls arrive, and the End Times begin.  Whee.

Rating: R/NC-17?

Category: Humour/Parody

Warnings: Slash, het, cross-gen het, cross-gen slash, allusions to incest, teens perving on men old enough to be their (grand)fathers, Slash, crude language, crude humour, sexuality, chains and whips (and not that way!), Slash, naked boys, naked girls, naked household pets, naked wild animals, and the all too often use of the phrase "y tú mama, tambien."  THIS FIC INCLUDES REAL PEOPLE.  Wh00t.

Archive: Here, there, and anywhere on request

Author's Notes:  Sorry for the delay, people.  We do have lives, you know!

DISCLAIMER:  This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  Additionally, this fic uses the names of real people in the credits of the Harry Potter movies (and not just stars, too!).  We do not know these people.  We merely used their names to add a depth to the fic, because if a movie set just had actors and no gaffers, there would be no movie.  Props to Warner and all the people who made the two (three?) movies possible.  We don't mean no harm!

From PoA to PoRN

By SpongeBob

"Alfonso's not going to be happy, Jo."

"That's too bloody bad for Alfonso, isn't it?" Jo snapped back. "Last I checked this was my movie, not his."

"Well, yes. But, still, we are going on his vision for this film-"

"His vision has just been vetoed."

The small, weak, Warner Brothers mini-executive backed away, frightened. "Ms. Rowling," he said, voice quaking, "there's no need to snap."

"Oh, yes there is," Jo said, rounding on the weak man. "When I signed that contract, Warner let me have the rights to veto the director's decisions. I have thus far let Chris and now Alfonso take this movie franchise wherever it's going. Now, though, I am exerting my executive veto power and there's nothing you can do to stop me!" She abruptly stopped speaking, as the urge to laugh maniacally had come over her. After three deep breaths, and one small 'bwah!', Jo turned away from the man and stomped down the hall of the sound studio where their meeting was supposed to take place.

---
The girls arrived on-set remarkably intact and sober... if not terribly hyper. Sirena poked Jayde in the shoulder repeatedly. "We're here!"

Jayde paused, grinned, and turned slowly to look at Sirena. As if on cue, both shrieked.

JK Rowling laughed to herself. "That must be them now."

---
Alfonso stared at Jo in horror. "What?" he said after a moment, "I don't think I heard you right."

Jo smiled awkwardly. "Oh, you heard me right," she replied. "Two girls are coming to help you out. They're excellent writers, brilliant, really."

Alfonso boggled. "Why?" he croaked out.

A voice came from behind Alfonso. "Because Gary Oldman's an ugly fuck, that's why!"

He turned. Behind him was a girl with blue eyes and long auburn hair striped with black, which, judging by her attire, had to have been her favourite colour... aside from the silver and green striped tie that hung loosely from her neck. Next to her was a girl with black hair and brown eyes, dressed in a shirt that proudly told the world of her love of 'H/D', whatever that was.

The black-haired girl giggled and stepped up to Alfonso, throwing an arm around his neck. "Happy cinco de mayo," she told him, still giggling.

Alfonso blinked. "But.... But it's August 25th."

She patted him on the head with her other hand. "I know," she said. "You're such a silly goose, Alfonso."

He had a vague idea that this was going to be the worst ten months of his life.

Jo put a hand on one of each of the girls' shoulders. "Now, Alfonso... these girls know the books inside and out... how many times have you read Azkaban?"

Alfonso scratched his head and looked at the floor. "Well... I...ah... I hadn't. Part of my method was..."

"Exactly why THEY'RE here," she cut in". "They are going to make this movie show everything that was written in the book, both in text and between the lines. How many times have you read it, girls?"

Sirena and Jayde looked at each other once again, counting on their fingers and mumbling for a few moments. Finally, Jayde proudly exclaimed "More than fifty if you combine it."

"That's what I thought," Jo said, a warm smile on her face. The smile quickly turned stern as she looked to Alfonso. "They have complete veto power, re-casting rights, and creative direction control. "

Jayde and Sirena looked at each other, their grins, if possible, growing wider. "SCORE!!!"

Alfoso groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. Jo Rowling smiled widely, patting the girls' backs affectionately. "Now... let's make a /spiffy/ film."

"I think we need to get to know each other!" Sirena suggested, pulling the bewildered director and her friend onto the nearest sofa. "Jo, would you like to join us?"

She smiled. "I'd love to, girls, but I have to go and threaten a few people at Raincoast, and harass my lawyer into dropping the charges against that site... Restricted Section, was it? Oh, well. I'm off!" Jo grabbed her shoulder bag off of the little table she had set it on earlier and waved cheerfully to the girls. "Don't kill him!" she called over her shoulder as she headed for the door.

"We don't kill," Jayde called back, "we MAIM!" She turned to Alfonso. "You know maiming was a common practice in the 1500's? The Old English used to do it to their POWs. Of course, they weren't POWs then, they were treasonists, but... the point's still there. They used to maim."

Alfonso blinked at the girl. "Who are you?"

"I am the Slashwraith."

"Wrong fandom," Sirena reminded Jayde.

"Oh, right," Jayde blushed, "Harry Potter. Well, that would make me... damn, I don't have a good name!"

"QueenOfSlash?" Sirena suggested.

Jayde shook her head. "Nah," she said, "too predictable. It has to be... innovative."

"Slash elf?"

The black haired girl screeched and bounced. "Slash elf, slash elf, slash elf!" she cried.

"No, really," the bewildered director said, his eyes flicking between the two, "who are you?"

"Jayde and Sirena Lupin," Sirena said, pointing to Jayde and herself respectively. "We are here to make Azkaban spiffy."

"...Spiffy?"

Jayde nodded exuberantly. "Yesh, Alfonso Cuaron. Spiffy. Spunky. And, hopefully, pink!"

"...Pink?"

"You did a good job of it with Watson's damned ugly pink... thing... in those release pictures. Yech." Sirena looked around.

"I'm not responsible for costumes, " Cuaron muttered, dismissively. "Now, really... what on earth made Jo send two teenaged girls to help me?"

"She must have seen the light," Jayde said, shrugging mildly.

Sirena grinned. "D'you think she likes shiny things, J?"

Jayde looked at her for a moment and shook her head. "Not half as much as you, dear."

"Oh..." she said, slightly disappointed. "Well... she does like SPIFFY things..."

Jayde nodded enthusiastically. "And SPUNKY things..."

Alfonso watched the two, his head spinning. "Would you two mind...erm... DEFINING this... 'spiffy' and 'spunky'-type...thingy?"

"It's a vision, Alfonso," Sirena said, gravely serious. "We have a VISION."

"A vision that includes many, many spiffy things." Jayde smiled brilliantly. "I'm sure we'll all learn to get along."

Alfonso muttered something about doubting it, and went to leave the room.

"Oh, no you don't!" Sirena cried, grabbing him by the arm and tugging him back into the room. "We." tug "Still." Tug. "Haven't." Tug. "Discussed." Tug. "CAST!"

Alfonso sighed. "We have the cast, Sirena."

Sirena shook her head vehemently. "NO!" she cried, "OLDMAN IS NOT A CAST! HE IS A MONKEY! A MONKEY I SAY!"

Jayde coughed.

"MONKEY!" Sirena carried on, "A Monkey with no talent! No skill! And Ugly to boot!"

Jayde coughed again. "And he's standing right behind me, isn't he?"

The dumbfounded director and Jayde both nodded.

"Fuck." Sirena turned, her eyes on Gary. "Not that I meant any of that..."

Oldman sighed, shook his head, and walked away, muttering something about crazy fans.

Alfonso shot a Look (with a capital L) at Sirena. "Now that you've almost certainly lost me one of the FINEST actors ("MONKEY!" interjected Sirena.)on my cast, what do you plan to do about it?"

Sirena smiled and stood up. She sauntered over to Alfonso and paused, almost as if she was going to perch on his lap (a gesture that made Mr. Cuaron Very Uncomfortable Indeed), before pulling a slip of paper out of her back pocket. A PINK slip of paper. She dropped it in his lap and sauntered back to her seat. "THIS is your cast. I expect you to have the necessary changes and additions made before we resume filming. I've taken care of Mr. Angel and Mr. Fiennes. You'll need to do the grovelling for Messrs. Biggerstaff and Isaacs," she said, smiling sweetly.

Before Alfonso could get a word in, Jayde stood up and walked over with the more-than-slightly-abused-but-now-put-together-again script in hand. With a smile, she clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Now...I believe I have business with Mr. Kloves, as I've made my first round of edits..." She flipped through the pages idly.

Alfonso's eyes burned with the overload of magenta writing.

He saw the words 'sexed up' and 'thoroughly shagged' before turning away in disgust. He groaned. "What are you two doing to my movie?" he asked.

Jayde blinked. "We're fixing it. We need to. It's yucky." She pointed to a passage half way down the fifth page. "See? Here? Aunt Marge doesn't pat her dog. She roughly bangs it on the back-" Alfonso couldn't help but wonder if that was, perhaps, the only nonsexual edit. "Although it's not in the text," Jayde continued, "we can derive that from her personality -- frankly, a rough bitch -- and apply it to the text. It's called writing from context. Kloves needs to learn that."

Sirena nodded. "And I have some costume issues I need to work out with... whomever is in charge of that! Cheerio!"

The two girls took off in opposite directions, leaving a whirlwind of paper trailing behind them. Alfonso scooped up as much as he could into his arms and wondered exactly how long it would take for Jesus to come again.

---

Judianna Makovsky and Amanda Knight each held a bottle of Excedrin, contemplating how many they could take without risking overdose.

--- (90 minutes earlier) ---

Sirena Lupin beamed.

"Ladies," she said sweetly, "I don't want to be an Umbridge here with official decrees and that... but I DO have a few... requests for changes in the current costumes." She arched an eyebrow at Amanda, the makeup designer, who looked as though she was about to make a swift escape. "In addition, I have a few... concerns regarding te current state of the makeup on the male characters."

Amanda blinked. "Such as?"

"They aren't wearing HARDLY enough eyeliner, for starters Ms. Knight, but we'll get to that. Right NOW I'd like to discuss the complete and utter lack of leather trousers on the arse of Tom Felton..."

"Ms. Lupin, we are bound by the specifications of Hogwarts Uniforms..."

Sirena stared at Judianna for a moment. "Are you or are you not a female?"

"Excuse me?"

"Are you of a sexual preference that incldes, at least in some degree, the male gender?"

"Of course! I mean, I..."

"Make it happen, Ms. Makovsky, and I want leather on Lucius as well," Sirena said cooly, shuffling her papers and preparing to move onto the next topic.

"But ah... Ms. Lupin? Mr. Isaacs isn't IN this movie..."

Sirena looked up at her and, slowly, a disturbing sort of smile made its way to her lips. "I've already taken care of it."

Judianna and Amanda turned and looked at each other, fear and alarm running rampant over their features.

"Now, I believe we have the issue of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin to be covered..."

"What about them?"

"Both the original actors are in the process of being sacked. You'll need to take the measurments for our replacements and for the sex-stunt doubles that will be seen in the rest of the movie. In addition, Ms. Knight, I hope you have some VERY pale bases and a LOT of black eye makeup because between our new Sirius and myself..."

"YOU?!" both said, alarmed.

Sirena sighed exasperatedly, bringing the heel of her hand to her pale-as-death forehead. "Did I not SAY there were to be sex-stunt doubles? I HIGHLY doubt that Messrs. Snape, Lupin, Black, Malfoy, and Malfoy, among others, would be very comfortable with the idea of sex with Ms. Watson and/or Ms. Wright. Now, can we continue, please? I haven't got all day. I've still got to speak with the casting people and pick up our new Sirius tonight..."
---

Meanwhile, in the office of Steven Kloves...