Secret Longing
Lily glanced around the dark room searching for a certain someone who should have been sat on the row behind her and her two best friends. Lily began to worry because she didn't want James to get himself into trouble for being late. She was just considering going to look for him when a loud barking laugh announced the arrival of the Marauders and their flock of admiring lady friends. Lily's heart sank when she noticed James walk past talking and flirting to a brown haired, and in Lily's opinion downright ugly, 5th year Ravenclaw. As he approached her bench Lily tried desperately to catch his eye, but he walked past totally blanking her. Lily's smile dropped and her face burned as she scanned the room to check that nobody had just seen what had happened.
As James sat down with a bored groan Lily assembled her quills and began to take notes to the monotonous tone of Professor Binns. James sat on his stool with his arms sprawled over the desk with his head resting gently in his hands. His eyes were glazed, his mind was empty and he was on the verge of a very deep slumber until . . .
"Claro plangore!" muttered a devious Sirius Black. James didn't have enough time to react as his chair leg gave way with an almighty 'CRACK' and James' bum made sudden contact with the hard stone floor and the hysterical laugh of Sirius Black rang through the room.
Lily spun around as the loud noise reached her ears to see a head full of black messy hair appearing from under the desk followed by a red forehead and angry brown eyes. Before this point the only noise in the room was of Sirius' ragged breathes between ecstatic laughter. But then it began, the laughter built up like the revving of an engine until every person in the room was bent over in laughter. Well everyone but James who was currently running after Sirius with a jelly legs curse at the ready . . .
"CALM DOWN . . . EVERYBODY!" came the chilling cry of Binns.
Later that day Lily was sat in her dormitory, her mind whirling so fast she thought she might throw up. It wasn't just spells, incantations or recipes for dangerous potions that was making Lily ill. No, it was her torn conscience on issues totally revolving around James Potter. Lily couldn't think of a way in which to ease her mind so settled on a failsafe solution . . . ask her girls!
"Hey guys," Lily sighed, whilst approaching her friends.
"Jees Lil you look dreadful!" greeted Sam.
"Oh I can't look as bad as I feel." Lily whined as she flopped down onto her king size bed.
"Looks like you're trying damn hard!" Estelle joked. In reply to this Lily threw her pillow in the direction of her dark haired friend, knocking the smirk off her smug face. Before she could contain the way she was feeling Lily felt that familiar burning sensation behind her eyes as her vision became blurry and she felt herself break down in front of her friends. "Hey, hey Lily what's wrong?" Sam tried to comfort her as she walked across the room and sat on the bed with her arms around her red haired friend.
"Oh Lil I'm sorry I didn't mean it. You know you're gorgeous I was having a laugh." Estelle said as she sat wiping Lily's red puffy eyes with a tissue.
"It.. It's not...not because...of...of that." Lily managed between sobs. After five minutes of Lily's continued crying Sam lost her temper.
"Right Lil I've had enough of this! Either tell us what's happened or go cry somewhere else!" "Wow! That was harsh!" replied Estelle. Lily sat herself up and blew her nose roughly. After a deep sigh she managed to contain herself long enough to tell her friends how she was feeling.
"No, your right, you're totally right!"
"So then Lil, spill!" urged Sam.
"Well, you see its James. I'm in two minds about him. Half of me wants to just let myself go and trust James enough to leave the old, shy, work obsessed Lily behind. But, the other half can't help but think all of this is a big dare or a bet to make James look good, for him to prove that he can have any girl he wants. I'm worried he's using me and all I'm doing is falling for him!" With this Lily burst into another round of tears. Sam and Estelle shared significant glances.
"Lil, come on you know he's crazy about you!"
"But that's the thing I don't know. He never lets on about the way he's feeling."
"He's a guy Lil, of course he doesn't."
"Yeh, she's right Lil, you'd be complaining if he was really sensitive and kept babbling on about how much he likes you and stuff!" Estelle started to chuckle.
"I know I would, but still, it'd be nice to know where I stand with him." Lily whined.
"Then ask him for Christ's sake!" said Sam exasperated.
"I don't want to ask. I'll feel like a right idiot!" Lily blushed.
"Why?"
"Because I'm scared of him telling me he doesn't like me." Lily turned even redder.
"Well, let's say that James asked you out..."
"Umm" agreed Lily.
"What would you say?"
"Well duh! I'd say 'Yes' and probably cry!"
"Well, there you go! Problem solved!" Lily then gave her friends a huge hug before leaping off her bed, grabbling a pillow from Sam's bed and beginning a pillow fight that was to last all night.
James was sat on his bed flicking through the latest edition of "Broom sticks to Snitches?" admiring the latest and fastest broomstick: 'Shooting Star 3'. He glanced around his room and noticed the absence of Peter; he seemed to be spending a lot of time away from them recently. Sirius was flicking through an old and dusty photo album with a frown on his face and James felt a pang of sorrow for his best friend. He had been through a lot, his family neglecting him and despising him. James felt the utmost respect for him walking away from the dark side when every single person whom he loved had fallen into the trap.
"You gonna sit there and gawp at me all day?" Sirius' jokey tone brought James out of his thoughts.
"Oh erm sorry mate" mumbled James.
"I knew I had that effect on girls but I had no idea you were fascinated by me was as well. What can I say Prongs? I'm flattered!" James laughed. He had a lot of things on his mind at the moment and thought that now would be a good time to talk to the two people he trusted the most. There was something about Peter that made James feel he could never truly be open with him, something that was absent in his relationships with Sirius and Remus.
"Hey guys can I talk to you? It's pretty important; I need your advice.2 asked James.
"My God James, please, please don't tell me you're gay!" Sirius mocked a look of disbelief and shock. James tutted loudly.
"Ignore him Prongs. Of course you can talk to us now spill." James smiled at Remus appreciatively.
"It's about Lily" James began. "I should have known this was going to be about a girl. Only time a guy thinks about anything is when he wants to score!" Sirius chuckled at his own joke. "Sirius, will give up on the jokes?" Remus sighed before shooting an encouraged nod in the direction of James, urging him to continue.
"Well, it's just that I'm confused. I have no idea where I stand with her!" "No guy ever knows where he stands when it comes to girls." Remus replied, with the air of explaining to a four year old that one plus one equals two.
"It's just that whenever I see her I get nervous and act like an idiot, who has no idea how to control what comes out of his mouth; I just talk utter crap!" Sirius went to open his mouth to say, yet another smart remark, but stopped when he noticed the stern look on Remus' face.
"I really like her and I need to know whether or not she likes me."
"Well, have you asked her?" asked Sirius.
"NO! I can't jus walk up to and ask her. This is Lily we're talking about! THE Lily – the girl I've liked for four years. If I say something to her and make a fool out of myself I'll ruin any chance of anything ever happening between us."
"James for God sake I think you're turning into a girl!" snapped Sirius, "You know she likes you and you like her so top being such a wimp and go and tell her, 'cos quite frankly you're boring me!" with this he got up and left. "That was harsh!" said James sounding hurt, "is that what you think?" he turned to ask Remus. "Well, he does have a point. We all know she likes you, now stop acting like a coward be brave; be a true Gryffindor: go get your girl!" James laughed. "Sorry 'bout that. Got a bit carried away I think." laughed Remus sounding slightly embarrassed. The two friends then got and walked out to catch up with Sirius. James had resolved to talk to Lily in the morning; he was going to try and tell her everything.
"Rise and shine sleeping beauty!" Sirius trilled, pulling back the curtains to James' Four-poster bed. "Oh no, look at you! You can't ask the gorgeous Lily out looking like that! Come on, we need to make you look as good as me." Sirius looked into the mirror and joked "it's gonna be tough, but someone's got to do it! James rolled out of bed and into the bathroom. "Maybe I should leave it until tomorrow?" he yelled to Remus and Sirius.
"NO!" came the returning yell. James groaned and began to ruffle his hair into shape. He emerged from the bathroom feeling a little more human and changed into his robes.
"Well? What are going to say?" Sirius and Remus looked at him expectantly.
"Well...I...erm...I'm going to...I'm not telling you!" he finished smugly.
"You have no idea, do you?" Sirius smirked.
"Hopeless!" Remus agreed. "Come on we better get to lessons."
Lunch had just finished and the four Marauders were making their way to Arithmancy, when she appeared in the corridor with Sam and Estelle. Her auburn hair was held back by an emerald green ribbon; with some locks falling lose framing her pretty face. Her laugh rang around the corridor as she joked with a fifth year Gryffindor boy. James' stomach clenched, it was now or never; as Sirius kindly pointed out by nudging him roughly in the ribs. James began to walk slowly over to her, his legs like jelly.
"Okay," he whispered under his breath, "she's jus a human being; keep it nice and simple: 'Hey Lil, do you fancy going out sometime?' or 'Lily, hi, I was just wondering if you were free next Hogsmeade trip?'" He was walking right behind her now and he could feel his hands getting clammy. Sirius walked past and tapped Lily on the shoulder, making her turn, directly facing James.
"James, hi!" she smiled.
'Great' James thought, 'not nervous enough, she has to smile at me!"
"Hi," he croaked. James coughed and tried again, "Hi Lily, I was wondering if I could have a word?"
"With me?" Lily asked, shocked. Sam and Estelle gave her a knowing smile before leaving them to it.
"Yeh, well it's just, well it's just an idea." He stuttered stupidly, "I was thinking, maybe, would you...wouldyouliketogooutwithmesometime?" he finished incoherently. Lily looked at him puzzled. "Sorry I didn't hear that last bit." Lily smiled. James sighed, taking a deep breath, "Would you like to go out with me sometime? Thank you, I'll see you later!" He turned and began to walk, muttering 'idiot' to himself when –
"Yeh, okay!" Lily grinned widely. James spun around. "Yes? Did you say yes?" "Yes, I did." Lily laughed. "Well, that's great!" James yelled excitedly, almost jumping two feet in the air. He then remembered himself and regained his cool. "I mean okay, whatever!" Lily smiled and walked away. When she rounded the corner she heard a laugh and loud 'Yesss!' making her grin even more.
Lily glanced around the dark room searching for a certain someone who should have been sat on the row behind her and her two best friends. Lily began to worry because she didn't want James to get himself into trouble for being late. She was just considering going to look for him when a loud barking laugh announced the arrival of the Marauders and their flock of admiring lady friends. Lily's heart sank when she noticed James walk past talking and flirting to a brown haired, and in Lily's opinion downright ugly, 5th year Ravenclaw. As he approached her bench Lily tried desperately to catch his eye, but he walked past totally blanking her. Lily's smile dropped and her face burned as she scanned the room to check that nobody had just seen what had happened.
As James sat down with a bored groan Lily assembled her quills and began to take notes to the monotonous tone of Professor Binns. James sat on his stool with his arms sprawled over the desk with his head resting gently in his hands. His eyes were glazed, his mind was empty and he was on the verge of a very deep slumber until . . .
"Claro plangore!" muttered a devious Sirius Black. James didn't have enough time to react as his chair leg gave way with an almighty 'CRACK' and James' bum made sudden contact with the hard stone floor and the hysterical laugh of Sirius Black rang through the room.
Lily spun around as the loud noise reached her ears to see a head full of black messy hair appearing from under the desk followed by a red forehead and angry brown eyes. Before this point the only noise in the room was of Sirius' ragged breathes between ecstatic laughter. But then it began, the laughter built up like the revving of an engine until every person in the room was bent over in laughter. Well everyone but James who was currently running after Sirius with a jelly legs curse at the ready . . .
"CALM DOWN . . . EVERYBODY!" came the chilling cry of Binns.
Later that day Lily was sat in her dormitory, her mind whirling so fast she thought she might throw up. It wasn't just spells, incantations or recipes for dangerous potions that was making Lily ill. No, it was her torn conscience on issues totally revolving around James Potter. Lily couldn't think of a way in which to ease her mind so settled on a failsafe solution . . . ask her girls!
"Hey guys," Lily sighed, whilst approaching her friends.
"Jees Lil you look dreadful!" greeted Sam.
"Oh I can't look as bad as I feel." Lily whined as she flopped down onto her king size bed.
"Looks like you're trying damn hard!" Estelle joked. In reply to this Lily threw her pillow in the direction of her dark haired friend, knocking the smirk off her smug face. Before she could contain the way she was feeling Lily felt that familiar burning sensation behind her eyes as her vision became blurry and she felt herself break down in front of her friends. "Hey, hey Lily what's wrong?" Sam tried to comfort her as she walked across the room and sat on the bed with her arms around her red haired friend.
"Oh Lil I'm sorry I didn't mean it. You know you're gorgeous I was having a laugh." Estelle said as she sat wiping Lily's red puffy eyes with a tissue.
"It.. It's not...not because...of...of that." Lily managed between sobs. After five minutes of Lily's continued crying Sam lost her temper.
"Right Lil I've had enough of this! Either tell us what's happened or go cry somewhere else!" "Wow! That was harsh!" replied Estelle. Lily sat herself up and blew her nose roughly. After a deep sigh she managed to contain herself long enough to tell her friends how she was feeling.
"No, your right, you're totally right!"
"So then Lil, spill!" urged Sam.
"Well, you see its James. I'm in two minds about him. Half of me wants to just let myself go and trust James enough to leave the old, shy, work obsessed Lily behind. But, the other half can't help but think all of this is a big dare or a bet to make James look good, for him to prove that he can have any girl he wants. I'm worried he's using me and all I'm doing is falling for him!" With this Lily burst into another round of tears. Sam and Estelle shared significant glances.
"Lil, come on you know he's crazy about you!"
"But that's the thing I don't know. He never lets on about the way he's feeling."
"He's a guy Lil, of course he doesn't."
"Yeh, she's right Lil, you'd be complaining if he was really sensitive and kept babbling on about how much he likes you and stuff!" Estelle started to chuckle.
"I know I would, but still, it'd be nice to know where I stand with him." Lily whined.
"Then ask him for Christ's sake!" said Sam exasperated.
"I don't want to ask. I'll feel like a right idiot!" Lily blushed.
"Why?"
"Because I'm scared of him telling me he doesn't like me." Lily turned even redder.
"Well, let's say that James asked you out..."
"Umm" agreed Lily.
"What would you say?"
"Well duh! I'd say 'Yes' and probably cry!"
"Well, there you go! Problem solved!" Lily then gave her friends a huge hug before leaping off her bed, grabbling a pillow from Sam's bed and beginning a pillow fight that was to last all night.
James was sat on his bed flicking through the latest edition of "Broom sticks to Snitches?" admiring the latest and fastest broomstick: 'Shooting Star 3'. He glanced around his room and noticed the absence of Peter; he seemed to be spending a lot of time away from them recently. Sirius was flicking through an old and dusty photo album with a frown on his face and James felt a pang of sorrow for his best friend. He had been through a lot, his family neglecting him and despising him. James felt the utmost respect for him walking away from the dark side when every single person whom he loved had fallen into the trap.
"You gonna sit there and gawp at me all day?" Sirius' jokey tone brought James out of his thoughts.
"Oh erm sorry mate" mumbled James.
"I knew I had that effect on girls but I had no idea you were fascinated by me was as well. What can I say Prongs? I'm flattered!" James laughed. He had a lot of things on his mind at the moment and thought that now would be a good time to talk to the two people he trusted the most. There was something about Peter that made James feel he could never truly be open with him, something that was absent in his relationships with Sirius and Remus.
"Hey guys can I talk to you? It's pretty important; I need your advice.2 asked James.
"My God James, please, please don't tell me you're gay!" Sirius mocked a look of disbelief and shock. James tutted loudly.
"Ignore him Prongs. Of course you can talk to us now spill." James smiled at Remus appreciatively.
"It's about Lily" James began. "I should have known this was going to be about a girl. Only time a guy thinks about anything is when he wants to score!" Sirius chuckled at his own joke. "Sirius, will give up on the jokes?" Remus sighed before shooting an encouraged nod in the direction of James, urging him to continue.
"Well, it's just that I'm confused. I have no idea where I stand with her!" "No guy ever knows where he stands when it comes to girls." Remus replied, with the air of explaining to a four year old that one plus one equals two.
"It's just that whenever I see her I get nervous and act like an idiot, who has no idea how to control what comes out of his mouth; I just talk utter crap!" Sirius went to open his mouth to say, yet another smart remark, but stopped when he noticed the stern look on Remus' face.
"I really like her and I need to know whether or not she likes me."
"Well, have you asked her?" asked Sirius.
"NO! I can't jus walk up to and ask her. This is Lily we're talking about! THE Lily – the girl I've liked for four years. If I say something to her and make a fool out of myself I'll ruin any chance of anything ever happening between us."
"James for God sake I think you're turning into a girl!" snapped Sirius, "You know she likes you and you like her so top being such a wimp and go and tell her, 'cos quite frankly you're boring me!" with this he got up and left. "That was harsh!" said James sounding hurt, "is that what you think?" he turned to ask Remus. "Well, he does have a point. We all know she likes you, now stop acting like a coward be brave; be a true Gryffindor: go get your girl!" James laughed. "Sorry 'bout that. Got a bit carried away I think." laughed Remus sounding slightly embarrassed. The two friends then got and walked out to catch up with Sirius. James had resolved to talk to Lily in the morning; he was going to try and tell her everything.
"Rise and shine sleeping beauty!" Sirius trilled, pulling back the curtains to James' Four-poster bed. "Oh no, look at you! You can't ask the gorgeous Lily out looking like that! Come on, we need to make you look as good as me." Sirius looked into the mirror and joked "it's gonna be tough, but someone's got to do it! James rolled out of bed and into the bathroom. "Maybe I should leave it until tomorrow?" he yelled to Remus and Sirius.
"NO!" came the returning yell. James groaned and began to ruffle his hair into shape. He emerged from the bathroom feeling a little more human and changed into his robes.
"Well? What are going to say?" Sirius and Remus looked at him expectantly.
"Well...I...erm...I'm going to...I'm not telling you!" he finished smugly.
"You have no idea, do you?" Sirius smirked.
"Hopeless!" Remus agreed. "Come on we better get to lessons."
Lunch had just finished and the four Marauders were making their way to Arithmancy, when she appeared in the corridor with Sam and Estelle. Her auburn hair was held back by an emerald green ribbon; with some locks falling lose framing her pretty face. Her laugh rang around the corridor as she joked with a fifth year Gryffindor boy. James' stomach clenched, it was now or never; as Sirius kindly pointed out by nudging him roughly in the ribs. James began to walk slowly over to her, his legs like jelly.
"Okay," he whispered under his breath, "she's jus a human being; keep it nice and simple: 'Hey Lil, do you fancy going out sometime?' or 'Lily, hi, I was just wondering if you were free next Hogsmeade trip?'" He was walking right behind her now and he could feel his hands getting clammy. Sirius walked past and tapped Lily on the shoulder, making her turn, directly facing James.
"James, hi!" she smiled.
'Great' James thought, 'not nervous enough, she has to smile at me!"
"Hi," he croaked. James coughed and tried again, "Hi Lily, I was wondering if I could have a word?"
"With me?" Lily asked, shocked. Sam and Estelle gave her a knowing smile before leaving them to it.
"Yeh, well it's just, well it's just an idea." He stuttered stupidly, "I was thinking, maybe, would you...wouldyouliketogooutwithmesometime?" he finished incoherently. Lily looked at him puzzled. "Sorry I didn't hear that last bit." Lily smiled. James sighed, taking a deep breath, "Would you like to go out with me sometime? Thank you, I'll see you later!" He turned and began to walk, muttering 'idiot' to himself when –
"Yeh, okay!" Lily grinned widely. James spun around. "Yes? Did you say yes?" "Yes, I did." Lily laughed. "Well, that's great!" James yelled excitedly, almost jumping two feet in the air. He then remembered himself and regained his cool. "I mean okay, whatever!" Lily smiled and walked away. When she rounded the corner she heard a laugh and loud 'Yesss!' making her grin even more.