Entry 16

[page splattered with tears]

I'm exhausted.

I've spent the past… hours? Days?... crying.

The images won't stop.

It's over! I… we… my dreams are broken! It's over!

[many tear-drops]

Sorry, I… lost it. I had to stop for a while to cool down a little.

Might as well get to the point.

He doesn't love me. He never has. And he never will.

That's what he told me, and I had to believe him. That he doesn't… doesn't…

I know this is all broken. Choppy writing. Well, I'm broken. Like a stained glass window lying in pieces on the floor, snatches of story and pieces of images running through my head.

Oh, it hurts!
I feel like part of me's been torn out, ripped out, left bloody and festering.

How did it come to this?!

I… I suppose I should… tell what happened. I owe you that much for listening to my ranting.

Sonic met me in the lobby like his invite said to. I was wearing one of my better dresses; he was just Sonic. I didn't mind. He led me out towards the coastline, walking on the beach. I couldn't think anything but how romantic it all was. He was walking ahead of me, two or three steps.

Oh, I should've known something was wrong! He hadn't looked me in the eye until he turned to me!

And it's obvious now that he brought me to the beach 'cause he knew I'd make… that I… wouldn't take it well.

I should've known… that SOMETHING was up! Oh, stupid girl! I…

Okay. I can go on.

So we were walking on the beach. He turned to me (NOW he looked me in the eyes) and said, "Amy, there's something I need to say."

And I, I, said to him, "What's that? Tell me!" I was so eager! He hesitated, and I thought it was because I'd made him scared, like I did at the pool. So I said, "Don't worry, it's okay."

No! It's not okay!
Augh! This is so hard to write! I'm reliving it all!

No, stupid girl, don't stay there! Run! Run before… before he…

But I can't change it. It already happened. He said it.

Please don't, I'm just a stupid girl, don't…

Sonic, don't do this to me.

He squared his shoulders. "Amy, we've known each other for a while. I've thought about this for a long time, but even more since we've been dating."

"Go on," I said, trying to keep my excitement out of my voice. I was… tingling all over, waiting for him to say it. This is perverse! This can't be happening, how could… No, Amy, don't step in the trap, don't, please don't…

"I answered a few questions for myself the other night," he said. "It just got real clear to me."

At this point, I was… impatient! I was so wanting him to say that he loved me, that he needed me, and I knew he was trying not to say it. "Come out and say it," I told him. "Tell me how you feel."

And he looked me in the eyes, squared his shoulders, and said, "I don't love you."

I didn't hear him at first. I tried to glomp him, to jump him with a hug, because I'd heard him say he loved me. He dodged me, and that's what broke my trance. "What—why'd you…?" I said.

"I said I DON'T love you," he said indignantly.

I have no idea what I looked like, because at that point the world got dark and watery. Next thing I know I'm rolling on the sand, clawing at my eyes. I tried to rip off my ears, trying to get the words out of my head, desperate to un-hear them and return to how it was before, but no, it's too late, he said it and my life's over…

I don't know why he stayed there through it all, because when I finally stopped (because I couldn't breathe) he was standing there, watching me.

Through my tears, I used the little breath I could get to scream, "But... how? Why'd… why'd you date me… if you didn't?"

"I was trying to be fair," he said. Looking back, I can see he was fighting his shame, but every word was-is a dagger in my heart. "I'd promised you I would. Besides, I figured you deserved a chance. Maybe we would love each other."

"I love you!" I shouted, cried, loved.

"But I don't love you," he said, helplessly. "All those years I didn't, and I don't now."

"You kissed me!" I squeaked, losing my hopes one after another.

"And that was what really did it," he said (I hated-hate him for being so calm!). "I didn't feel anything then, Amy. Nothing. It wasn't me, it wasn't happening to me, that's how detached I felt. That's when I knew."

"How can…" breathing hurt, everything hurt, surviving hurt more than anything, "how can you… stand there… and tell me?! Tell me these?!"

"It's not easy," he said, looking away, "but… I had to. I couldn't hold out any longer. I'm sorry, Amy."

"Sonic!" I shrieked again, dove for him. He dodged, I ate the sand, it scraped my arms and legs and tore at my clothes.

"I don't love you now and never will!" he said, losing his temper. "Get a grip!"

A grip?!

Grip?!

I suppose… I suppose it was hard for him to say it all. I guess it takes a lot of courage to crush a girl's dreams so completely. But I don't CARE! I don't care what he felt, it's how I felt that… was all I could… think about.

No, there wasn't any thinking. There's not much now.

Auuuuuugh… I'm moaning, just thinking about it. It huuurts so!

I can't write any more diary, I'm losing… I'm…