Entry 18
How could I have been so wrong?
All this time… couldn't I tell something was wrong?
It's so obvious, now! I'm such an idiot, he told me over and over again that he didn't love me, I just closed my ears and eyes and didn't see or listen. I was an ostrich trying to run with its head in the sand.
I was looking through you, diary, and I kept noticing how stupid I was! There were signs there, signs I could have seen if I'd looked honestly. Oh, I can't be that hard on myself, some of them weren't clear. But they were there. They say hindsight is 20/20. Well, my hindsight is 20/15.
Like the date after he stood me up. (Stood me up because I wasn't important!) He was really nice to me, and I didn't know why. When I thought about it, I came up with two explanations. First: Sonic loves me. Second: He was being nice to make up for standing me up. I know I said in my diary that I wasn't sure which, but I lied. I knew that he loved me. And I'd wrapped myself up so tightly that when he said he didn't… What an idiot!
I've wasted so much time on… what? A love that never existed! I'm eighteen years old and I've been chasing Sonic for six years now! That's a third of my life! And what happens? He never loved me!
Oh, what's the point? What can or should I do now? I mean, it's almost hard for me to grasp how stupid I was. I chased him for six years and never noticed he didn't love me… He had to tell me right out because I couldn't take the hint!
I let myself love someone who never gave me a loving thought in return. What a fool I was.
I know what despair is. Despair is a butterfly that sees a candle through a window. It spends hours, days, batting at the window, trying to get through. Then, right before it dies of starvation, someone opens the window. The butterfly finally gets where it thought it wanted to be—and dies a horrible death. That's despair.
Has my whole life been worthless? Have I mattered at all? What have I been doing all this time? I've lived my life in Sonic's orbit, but if he's the Sun I'm Pluto. What have I done outside of Sonic? Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
I've given up everything to chase after Sonic. I have no education, I have no job (cleaning Sonic's room, what a joke!), most of my things are souvenirs or reminders of Sonic. I can't stand to look at them now. Tails, Robotnik, that farce of a Team Rose—I knew them only as much as they interacted with Sonic. I only dealt with Robotnik if Sonic was fighting him at the time. I only knew Tails if Sonic was hanging around Tails. Sonic himself never keeps very good friendships, and I ended up copying him as I followed him. Now that he's left, I'm alone in the nothing of my life.
I don't want to die. But I don't know how to live.