Entry 19

This will be the last entry in this diary.

I finally understand—about me, about Sonic, and about the fake 'us' I followed all this time.

And I finally understand that I deserve better than Sonic Hedgehog.

I remember talking about how I haven't grown all this time. Six years, and my life is almost the same as it was before. There are two reasons why, and they're so easy I laugh at myself for not getting them before.

The first is that I remained hung up on Sonic, not developing outside of him. But even like that, (here comes reason two) I would have grown a little if Sonic had grown himself.

Sonic hasn't changed.

He's running in place, like he's on a treadmill. Honestly, what's his life been like? He does nothing all day but sit around, go to pools, hang at parties or social stuff. What does he do there? Nothing. Talk a little, maybe. Enjoy himself. Be lazy.

Lazy? You bet he is. But that's a symptom, not a cause.

Sonic hasn't changed because he doesn't know what he wants.

The only time Sonic isn't lazy is when he's fighting Robotnik. Then again, he only fights Robotnik because he hates him—it's not like he's that good a person. He's just good enough to fight Robotnik.

But that's all that gives meaning to Sonic's life, so Sonic doesn't get rid of it.

I mean, I can think off the top of my head… Like when Mecha Sonic transformed himself into a giant flying robot, and Sonic beat him as Super Sonic. What happened? Sonic LET HIM GO.

Why? I mean, Mecha had just threatened the world, almost killed Sonic, and caused lots of damage to everything and everyone.

But if Sonic destroyed Mecha, what would Sonic do?

That's how Robotnik keeps getting chance after chance to make us miserable. Sonic doesn't finish him off, because what's Sonic going to do without him? When Robotnik loses Sonic stops being a hero—and that's all Sonic knows how to do.

Sonic hasn't changed because he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't know how to find it.

The only other thing Sonic does is run. Running makes him happy. When he runs, he feels alive! He feels like he has some meaning in the world; he's doing what he does best. It's a vindication of his existence.

What that really means is that he feels crappy whenever he's NOT running.

I know, firsthand. After he goes running, he just sits there, holding on to that feeling, trying to stretch it out. It's not quite that he feels awful not running. It's that everything is paler. Nothing is exciting. He misses the feeling of running, and he misses the purpose he feels while running. Nothing measures up to how he feels while running; everything is a disappointment.

Including me.

Isn't it amazing? I figured it out, after all this time. A girl as stupid as me was finally able to figure out Sonic. But it had to be this way. I had to have my heart broken before I could see it. I'd clouded my own vision all of this time; Sonic's actions, painful as they were, finally cleared my illusions.

Sonic won't grow. He won't change. He doesn't really want to, not badly enough. So long as he can run, he'll cling to that feeling. It's good enough for him that he'll hold onto it as long as he can, even if it means discarding me and everything else.

That's okay, y'know? I can deal with it now.

Because if he doesn't want me, then I don't have to follow him any more.

I'm the wrong person for him anyway, you know why? I can't change him. I'm not strong enough; I can't affect the Sonic-inside. I worship him too much. The way I work, I just get caught up in Sonic's charisma and beauty… and forget his flaws. If I tried to change him, I'd just get sucked into his orbit again.

This jolt of pain knocked me out of orbit.

I really should thank him. He's set me free.

I don't have a life outside of Sonic… yet. But think what that means! There's a world out there that (now) I can view through my own eyes, things I can see and judge as they relate to me (not Sonic), friendships I can make where I decide the terms.

There's a whole world out there that I'm seeing for the first time!

Somewhere out there, there's a person who doesn't feel very good about themselves. There's a person who needs to be worshipped, and (with someone else's support) can blossom into something really wonderful. That's the sort of person who'd most appreciate a Rose. I have my flaws, sure; I'm still a ditz and a pretty weak person. I get swept up in other people's feelings and forget things all the time.

But I have one gift I can give that's mine, and mine alone: copious amounts of unconditional love.

I'll find someone who can appreciate that gift. I will.

Thanks, Sonic, for all the memories. Thanks for everything you've taught me. It would never have worked between us, not as we are.

But I can grow now. There are things I can do and see and be only because you broke my heart.

Thank you.

And so I, Amy Rose, a little smarter, a little freer, a little stronger, a lot tougher, and a little wiser…

I go into the world.

[Future pages blank]

Disclaimer: Amy Rose and Sonic Hedgehog, along with all other characters and situations referenced, are copyrights of SEGA. This story is copyright Sam Durbin, a.k.a. Bryon Nightshade, and cannot be edited, reproduced, or profited from without permission.