Somehow, the job of debriefing Michelle fell to Jack. He'd tried to assign someone else, but Hammond had insisted. He'd tried to compose himself, to try and hide the fact that he'd been drudging up memories that should have been left buried. He'd done a pretty good job, but not good enough to hide it from her.
Michelle knew from the moment he walked in that he'd been crying. He'd covered it up well, there was nothing about him that suggested it, but she knew him. She'd seen him cry so many times whilst he was going through withdrawal, tears for Chase, Kim, Ryan Chappelle, Claudia, Kate, Teri, even her and Tony.
Habit brought her arms about him. Like she had done so many times before, she wrapped his arms about him and buried his head in her shoulder, whispering softly in his ear that everything was going to be ok. She should have been angry with him, should have been furious that he had put her in this situation, but all she could feel was his pain.
"I'm ok Michelle," it was so difficult to let go of her, and even when he did, memories of her touch overwhelmed him. He tore his gaze away from her and towards the mirror, a silent caution.
She nodded in understanding, backing away from him. She shouldn't let him touch her. Whether it was from exhaustion or intoxication she wasn't sure, but his touch was destroying her resolve. When he held her, she could feel Tony's fingers entwined in her hair, his laugh ringing in her ears. She wanted to hold him and never let him go. But Jack wasn't Tony. She only had to last 10 more days, then it wouldn't matter, nothing would matter.
The emotions playing out on her face made Jack wonder which scared him more, Michelle as she was now, vulnerable, her face a beautiful picture of the agony she had endured, or the Michelle of earlier, controlled, emotionless, dead.
He'd taken her to Tony's trial, he sat beside her, watching nervously as the trial played out before him. She'd wanted to go alone, but he didn't trust her not to do something stupid, so he'd insisted that he take her. But she may as well of not been there. Her eyes were completely glazed over, and she barely bothered to listen to what was being said. He'd hoped that seeing Tony might excite some reaction from her, but he wasn't there, it was too dangerous for him to be there, the press might get wind of what was happening. So Jack focused his attention on her. But there was nothing, not a flicker of emotion, and he found himself wondering if she even cared. That was until he noticed the trickle of blood escaping her mouth, where in her attempt to keep her face impassive, she bitten the inside of her cheek. She didn't seem to notice, and it wasn't until then that he realised how much she kept locked inside, how much she missed Tony. He'd brushed the blood off her chin, and her eyes had swung round to meet him, burning with an intense hatred.
No, the Michelle behind the mask was the one that scared him.
They sat down and he passed her the mission file. "Why did you change your mind?" A dangerous question, but one he needed to know the answer to.
Why wouldn't he just get this over with, why did he insist on asking her these questions? She didn't have the energy to maintain a façade, not in front of him, so she answered, "They are going to let me see him, before they kill him, not for long, but I have to see him, Jack."
"You could have asked for more, they would have given it." He shouldn't have said that.
"It wouldn't have made any difference, Palmer was right, treason's too big, you can't just make it disappear." She knew she could have asked for more, but what was the point, none of it would make a difference.
She wanted to end this conversation, she didn't want to be having it, especially not with him. She opened the file, forcing herself to look at what it was she was going to do. She needed to be prepared, especially after last time. She still had dreams about, they were just children, they didn't deserve to die. She'd seen enough to have a different nightmare every night of her life, but the ones that haunted her were always the same. Children screaming, blood pouring down there noses. Saunders' stale breath on her face. Gael telling her that suicide was a sin. Tony, dying.
"They control at least three vials of the virus and hazmat suits." He knew that she could read it, but he could see the pain in her eyes, and didn't want to leave her on her own.
"Why can't hazmat handle it?" She was confused, it should be a straight forward building raid, hazmat should be able to handle it, why did they need her to go in?
Jack hadn't expected her to pick up on that as quickly as she had, but then again, she was the best, it was the only reason she was still alive. "They've got access to some sensitive information that we can't risk becoming public knowledge. It needs to be discrete, hazmat can't do it."
Her mind filled in the blanks, they couldn't send anyone in who didn't have immunity. After what had happened to Ryan Chappelle, new procedures had been introduced, so no one without an immunity could be sent in. If they had control of vials of the virus on US soil, then there wasn't going to be enough time to set someone up undercover. She was the only person they could use. "What information?"
He shook his head, she didn't have the security clearance. Even if she did, he wouldn't tell her. One of the reasons that Brad Hammond had been so eager to get rid of her was that she was a security risk. There was a clear motive for betrayal, and it wasn't fair to put her in a position where she had access to the type of information that she could use to try and blackmail the government for her husband's freedom.
So they still didn't trust her, even Jack didn't trust her. She was annoyed at this. Hadn't they learnt anything? She had been hacking into the government files for years through the CTU system. They knew she could do it, they'd even asked her to do it for them. If she was going to use the information against them, she would have done it years ago. But she'd never been able to, she'd joined CTU because she wanted to serve her country, and even though her country had betrayed her, she still felt the same way.
"Fine," was her short, angry response.
"Chelle..." Her eyes shot up to his. They had an agreement, he wouldn't call her that. "I ought to go," he said.
"Yes, you should." Then more gently, "I can manage, Jack."
He nodded at her and left, seeking refuge in his office. The last time he'd seen her, she was still mad at him. They'd barely spoken two words. Even that was hard. But now, she was a mess. All he wanted to do was wrap her up in his arms and take away her pain. He knew what it was like to be hurting the way she was. But that was dangerous. When he held her in his arms, he didn't see Michelle Dessler, and she didn't see Jack Bauer.