Disclaimer: No I don't own Trigun
Note: Hello everyone, just a short note this time, this next chapter is going to be in two parts, this half will be concentrating on Meryl and Vash and their relationship. Then the second part will be concentrating on Millie and Knives. So once again I will thank all my wonderful reviewers:
Snapdragon76 - Yay I'm glad you liked the last chapter; I wasn't really sure how people would find it. Thanks for your review and definitely go with the Kleenex feeling.
Pammi - I'm glad you are so understanding and yes there will be some Millie/Knives coming soon so don't worry. Thanks for your review.
Blue and TK - Your review made me laugh and I'm glad Wolfwood comes in handy sometimes lol. Thanks again for your cool review.
Kentai - Glad you like my fan fic and I hope you will continue reading, here is your update and thanks for your review.
Chibi Chibi - I'm sorry for the long wait but here is your update and I'm glad you liked my decision bout bringing Meryl back. Thanks for your review.
Xim_chan - Thank you for such a sweet review, it means a lot to me that people are enjoying my fics and it does wonders for my confidence. So thanks again and I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Silverado - wow two reviews from you ^_^ I'm happy now. Okay first off I'm glad that my writing was good last time, I do check through my chapters every time but I probably misread stuff or when I add things to make it more detailed it probably happens then so I'll make sure to be more careful. I knew that my fic was probably a bit predictable but I just couldn't bring myself to kill one of the main characters. I did actually consider it after receiving your review suggesting it and I'm wondering now whether it might have been a better choice...but anyways it's done with now. I'm glad you liked the way I made Vash get angry, it was a comment from someone else which provoked me to write it and after giving it a lot of thought I think that Vash probably would act that way. I also thought it would be a bit weird if Meryl just woke up and acted all happy as well, I tried to imagine what it would be like to wake up and find out you weren't even the same species, I think I would be pretty peed by it which is how I came to the decision about how Meryl reacted. This chapter is going to concentrate mainly on Vash and Meryl so I can make their relationship...well...more stable. Regarding your second review I'm glad that you are enjoying it and that review made my day. Thanks soooo much for your reviews and I hope you like this chapter too.
Neptune Butterfly - Yeah I think maybe I did make Meryl over react a little but don't worry it'll all be straightened out in this chapter. About your Knives and Violet point I was actually considering it, but then I remembered I had promised some Millie/Knives romance to some of the other reviewers, and I'm still not sure whether I should keep Violet alive or not...And don't worry Violet forgives Kuroneko too. And no you weren't reading too much into the whole Millie hoping her feelings weren't love, I was kinda going for that approach and I'm glad you picked it out. I look forward to being bugged again lol thanks soooo much for your review.
Happyjack - Yeah I really liked your idea bout Vash going crazy so I thought why not and added some of that into it. Anyway I'm glad you are liking the way I am showing my characters and that they are all acting kind of how they should be. Sometimes it gets really confusing having so many people to write about so I'm glad I'm not totally messing up anyone. Also glad you liked Meryl's reaction and I'll try not to rush to write stuff but I do feel guilty when I don't update for a while. Thanks for your review and enjoy this next chapter.
Rainy-days13 - Yay I'm glad I'm not evil anymore and enjoy this next chapter, Meryl and Vash fluffy goodness is a promise ^_^. Thanks for your review.
Nekokito - When I read your review I wasn't sure whether to be extremely flattered or nervous that now I have so many people reading and that I have to make sure my writing quality doesn't fail me. After a few minutes I realised that your review was excellent and it means a lot to me that so many people are enjoying this, and having a review like that has virtually guaranteed a well written chapter cos it has boosted my confidence sky high. So here is your update and I hope you all enjoy it.
scathachdhu - I'm glad you liked the angst, when I started out writing this fic it wasn't supposed to be that angsty but it seems like it has. So thanks for your review and here is your update.
Wow all of that took me ages but on with the chapter:
Chapter 13 - Guilt
Meryl continued to run through what had happened in her mind, there was a throbbing pain in her head that just would not disappear and the weight of what had just happened caused her terrible pain; mentally and physically.
She knew she must have hurt him with what she had said before and she didn't blame him if he was angry at her, Vash was the kindest most selfless man she had ever met and would never have said anything to hurt her. Yet even though she knew all of this her mind still doubted the honesty in his words, perhaps he had grown attached to her, but what if it was only her pathetic confession that had forced him to feel that way?
She sat up and pulled her knees up against her before considering anything further, yes she wanted to believe it but she didn't want to get hurt - especially by that idiot of a man.
"Okay Meryl." She said aloud as if to force it into her mind "Think rationally, could it actually be possible that he was telling the truth, and even if he wasn't would it be so bad?" She gathered her thoughts and drew in a deep breath. 'Even if he was lying, he was still prepared to be with me...doesn't that count for something?' She thought helplessly.
"No" she decided, "It doesn't, I can't just go around living a lie." She glanced around the dimly lit room and sighed miserably, the curtains were pulled tightly closed so that no harsh light could enter the room. Wrapping her arms tighter around her knees she sat silently, half expecting to wake up and find that this was all just a terrible dream.
She wondered where everyone was and whether they had already left, maybe her behaviour towards Vash had sent him packing again, and maybe Millie was upset with her. Perhaps they had left her alone in this house, which seemed so large and scary when it was so quiet.
Her eyes filled with tears, as they seemed to be doing more and more recently but she held them back, she refused to cry anymore. Wiping them away with her sleeve she buried her face in her hands to block out the world, everything just seemed like it was going wrong, her own little world where only she existed was being torn apart. 'It's my own fault for letting that broom-head into my heart like that' her mind screamed at her.
A small tap on the door snapped her out of her depressing thoughts and her head snapped up to see who it was. She breathed a sigh of relief as Millie's head poked around the gap in the door and gave her a faint smile.
Easing the door open Millie stepped inside and closed it again quietly behind her before crossing the room to stand beside the bed. Meryl looked up at her silently, her eyes a dull shade of what they used to be.
"How are you feeling Meryl?" Millie asked happily and sat down on the edge of the bed.
"I'm fine...actually I'm better than fine." She put on her best smile, which instantly faltered when she looked into Millie's sad and all knowing eyes. Meryl could never fool her best friend.
For a long moment the two sat in silence, quite happy to be in each others presence and comfortable enough with each other to not have to fill the gap with talking. Both were carefully planning what to say to each other so that their points would not be misunderstood. Neither of them wanted to fight because they hadn't been understood properly and finally Millie broke the silence with the question Meryl knew was coming:
"What did you say to Mr. Vash earlier?"
For a long time Meryl didn't answer and Millie wondered if she had even heard her. "Meryl?"
"I heard Millie, I'm just trying to find an answer that makes sense." Meryl replied and leaned forwards to bury her face in her hands again. Her head sill ached with confusion and weariness; she was tired...so tired of living and hurting all the time. Millie laid a comforting hand on her shoulder and tried to cheer her friend up.
"I'm sure its not all that bad." Her tone was full of hope and forced happiness.
"I don't think I can stay here anymore." Meryl murmured, partly hoping that Millie wouldn't hear her.
"What! So after all this time, having the pain of Vash leaving, your just gonna leave and do exactly the same thing to him!" Millie tried to suppress the anger in her tone but failed and simply allowed her feelings to be shown.
"Millie..." Meryl looked up at her friend and their eyes met hesitantly, "after all that has happened there is no way I can stay here in this place...with him."
"I thought you wanted to be close to him?"
"I did...I mean I do...its just that things have changed now."
"Is this something about what happened earlier?" Millie pressured again.
Meryl nodded slowly and the familiar stinging at the back of her eyes returned with such a force she struggled to keep the tears from being shed.
"Vash told me he loved me."
"And why is that so bad?"
"He is only saying that out of guilt and pity for me, I'm not human anymore Millie and he probably feels like he should be responsible for me."
"Now Meryl." Millie said firmly "Think about what you just said and ask yourself whether that sounds at all like the Vash we know and care about."
"I..."
"Listen Meryl, I don't really understand why you and Mr. Vash are like this around each other but listen to me, after Vash left your room earlier I haven't seen him since. He was pretty upset by the looks of it and seeing him like that made it clear to me that he was being completely sincere with you."
"Do you think so?" Millie smiled at Meryl's childlike expression, her large innocent eyes staring up at her tearfully and the guilt that flickered beneath them.
"I'm sure if you spoke to him he would forgive you." Millie smiled and stood up and Meryl nodded and jumped from the bed before stumbling over to the drawers to search for some clothes to wear.
"I'll go and get you something to eat." Millie grinned and left the room quickly.
Meryl quickly discarded her nightclothes and changed into a fresh blouse and skirt before dashing out of the door, pausing only to drag a brush through her hair and slip on some shoes. She had an idea where Vash might be and she didn't want to waste anymore time.
Dashing down the short flight of stairs she reached the front door and opened it before stepping out into the afternoon rays. She could not believe how long she had stayed in her room; already the suns were setting in the sky and casting a fiery glow all around.
Breathing in deeply to try and calm her fluttering stomach Meryl walked as silently as possible. There were not many people out in the streets and she guessed they were probably inside, sheltering from the dying rays of the suns.
Pausing in her step she swivelled her head upwards towards the cliff side where she and Vash had been all those weeks ago and sure enough, he was there. His back was turned towards her and his gaze was fixed at the sky, watching the suns as they fell from their places in the sky.
The shadows lengthened even as she made the short walk up the rocky cliffy side and it wasn't long before she was standing a few meters from him. She stood for a while and observed him, before now she had thought that maybe he was lost deep in thought but as she watched him even more carefully she could see the slight quiver of his shoulders. 'He's crying' Her throat thickened and she tried to force away the tears that had once again sprung into her own eyes.
***Meryl's POV***
Carefully I approached him, still unsure of what to do or say to him once I got there, I was afraid he would ignore me or perhaps he would shout at me as I had done to him. Blocking the thoughts from my mind I tried to concentrate on what to say to him, I knew I should apologise first, but then what?
I forced one foot to move in front of the other until I was standing beside him and sat down next to him. I was afraid to speak and break the silence or his concentration and simply sat next to him with my eyes fixed on the dusty ground. I wasn't even sure whether he knew I was there with him and almost jumped out of my skin when he spoke.
"You should be resting." His voice was soft and almost too gentle and my throat tightened in response, it would have been easier to take if he was angry with me. I didn't anticipate such a gentle response and I bit on my bottom lip nervously. My guilt gathered in strength and he had hardly said a sentence to me yet.
He sat with his head turned away so I couldn't see his face and that made everything so much worse, he had already had so much pain in his life...he didn't need me adding to it. I considered leaving him alone but knew if I did I would probably lose him forever and just thinking about it made me want to give up on life altogether.
I couldn't bear to think of life without him, so why the hell was I sitting here saying nothing!
"Vash." I choked and just about kept the tears under control. He didn't look up, he didn't react at all and my heart twisted in agony. 'He really does hate me' I thought helplessly...
A cold tear escaped and gently trickled down my face leaving a small silvery trail behind it. I rubbed at it angrily, to rid myself of it. I had no right to cry.
"Do you need help getting back?" Vash asked, in the same soft but emotionless tone, which broke me from my thoughts. I snapped up my head hoping to meet his eyes but to my dismay he still had his head turned away, his hair had fallen from its usual style and waved in the light breeze.
"I came to apologise." I murmured quietly hoping that would provoke a reaction from him, anything was better than him just sitting there silently.
"You don't have anything to apologise for."
"I was awful to you...I didn't mean anything I said Vash...I was just afraid that you were pitying me and that I would be living a lie if I let you into my life." I let my head drop a little and focused on the ground again, it felt good to be able to get that out in the open. At least now he might understand why I acted so terribly but it didn't excuse what I had done.
"Oh...Meryl, do you really think I would be so cruel to do that to you?"
"No, I don't know what I was thinking, please forgive me."
"Like I said before, there is nothing to forgive." This time he did turn to face me and I met his eyes eagerly and instantly became lost deep inside them.
"I think I would feel better if you were angry with me." I admitted and scooted closer to him, my hand resting close by his on the dusty ground.
His eyes never left mine and I felt the deeper urge to just sit and stare into them all night when suddenly he broke eye contact and turned round to face me fully and rested his hands on my shoulders.
"Meryl, I can't believe how mean you are!" He put on his sweet puppy eyes and tried his best to look hurt and upset.
"I know, I'm sorry." I laughed at the huge grin he now had on his face and blushed as I realised his hands had remained on my shoulders.
"So what now?" He asked, his eyes softening to a gentle wash of green.
"What do you mean?" Did he mean us? Or did he mean something else?
"Well, I'm still not sure how you are still with us...I mean you are supposed to be dead but that Violet girl saved you...she made you into a plant and that may have some sort of effect on you."
"What!" I couldn't suppress the panic and he obviously noticed.
"Oh don't worry, I'm sure nothing bad will happen. I mean if Violet was fine with the plant energy there is no reason why you shouldn't be."
Suddenly he released his grip on my shoulders and turned back to stare at the suns which were almost gone by this time. The sky was alive with a passion of wonderful colours, flaming reds and brassy oranges, which mingled as one to form the perfect picture. I felt somewhat honoured to be able to see such a beautiful sunset and by the looks of it Vash felt the same way.
I had never seen him as relaxed as he was now; a small but genuine smile graced his angelic features and had risen up to his eyes; making them shimmer with a vibrant life. I sat looking up at him, only slightly aware that he probably knew I was sat staring at him. 'Look away' I told myself, but my body wouldn't listen and my eyes were fixed on him, drawn to him like a moth to the flame.
My heart fluttered as he turned to look at me again and I dipped my head to hide the flare of embarrassment that had instantly coloured my face. Why was I still pretending that I had no feelings for him? Why was he acting so normal? He knew how I felt about him, and I had the sneaking suspicion he felt the same way about me, but still both of us were hesitant, afraid to cross the line we had distanced ourselves from for so long.
Lost deep in thought I never even realised he had moved closer until I felt his arm move up around me and couldn't contain a small squeak of surprise. He laughed at my reaction and pulled me closer so I was snuggled up against his side.
"That's better." He murmured and glanced down at me with a huge grin on his face. I couldn't help but smile back before nuzzling up against him affectionately.
Okay so perhaps it wasn't the most intimate act, but for me it was the best thing I could have hoped for, leaning against him felt so right so...perfect. For the first time in my life I felt whole, not ripped apart or empty inside.
***Normal POV***
Millie sat in the kitchen with Ashley talking happily together and ignoring their fears about Knives and that strange woman who had almost succeeded in killing Meryl. Ashley said nothing to Millie about what had happened but in her youthful mind she knew that's who she was thinking about.
"This pudding is really good Millie." Ashley said, waving her spoon around enthusiastically.
"Yes it is." She agreed.
"Millie..."
"What's wrong?" The tall girl asked and the girl simply shook her head and lowered her gaze to the table. She wasn't sure whether she should bring up the subject that her friend was obviously thinking about.
"Knives isn't evil anymore Millie." She murmured quietly.
"You think so?" The interest in her tone was obvious.
"Yeah definitely, he's probably on his way home now."
"Maybe." She sounded sceptical and her blue eyes seemed suddenly dull with worry.
"You care for Knives don't you?" Ashley pushed the subject.
"I don't really know what I feel about that man, it's so strange...I know I should hate him for what he did to Wolfwood but I just don't."
"It's just the kind of person you are Millie." Ashley stood up and wrapped her arms around Millie's shoulders.
"Maybe I should go meet him."
"Huh?" Ashley looked at the older woman with interest and nodded meekly.
"I'll go meet with Mr. Knives and ask him what he means to do, maybe I can find out if he has really changed or not, then Mr. Vash won't have to worry anymore." Her blue eyes regained their life again and she stood up from the chair.
"Are you going now?" The girl asked and followed her around the room, watching her gathering her coat and shoes.
"Yes, will you stay here and tell Meryl and Mr. Vash that I'll be back a bit late?"
"Of course Millie, and be careful okay." Ashley followed her to the door and stood watching her leave before closing it and turning back to the empty house.
She hoped desperately that Millie would be okay but she sincerely believed that Knives was okay now and she was sure that Millie knew that too. 'I wonder why she went to meet him.' Ashley thought before flopping down on the couch and waiting patiently for Meryl and Vash to return in the haze of darkness.
* * * * * *
The suns had finally dipped away out of sight and given way to the consuming shadows leaving the cliffs bathed in a warm but heavy darkness. It lay thick around the desert like a comforting blanket to give protection from prying eyes.
Vash turned his gaze to the woman who was leaning against him, still awake but just barely. They hadn't spoken much at all but just watched the suns as they made their descent into oblivion and now darkness had settled over them both.
"Are you still awake?" Vash asked with slight amusement.
"Of course!" Meryl snapped, sounding only half annoyed as she sat up and pulled slightly away from him.
"Hey don't be that way, if you want to go back you only have to ask." He got up and brushed the dust from his clothes before holding out his hand to help her to her feet.
She looked at his hand incredulously, and for a moment he thought she was going to decline his offer until she reached up and took it. Then together they made their way home through the darkened streets.
"Millie will probably be wondering where we are." Meryl said quietly, wanting to fill the gap of silence as they walked.
"She won't mind."
"I think I should probably get back to work as soon as possible." She continued, knowing that he probably wouldn't like the idea of her working so soon after the incident.
"Meryl do you think that's wise?"
"Yes, we need the money to pay off the rent we owe."
"Maybe we can move on to another town." Vash offered.
"Even if we did we still have to pay off the rest of the money, but leaving might not be such a bad idea. The people here have never really been too fond of you Vash and this place holds so many bad memories." Meryl sighed miserably.
"So you want to leave?"
"I don't know."
"Well I say we talk this through when my brother gets back." Vash suggested and linked arms with Meryl happily as they reached the house.
"If he comes back." Meryl reminded him.
"He will." He pushed the door open and stepped inside. Ashley had fallen asleep on the couch and Meryl went over to her and smiled softly at the child before gently grabbing one of the blankets beside the couch and wrapping it around her.
"Do you want a drink or something?" Meryl asked as she entered the small kitchen and searched the cupboards for a cup, which was an almost impossible task in the darkness. Sighing she searched for the light switch.
"What are you looking for?" Vash asked as he poked his head into the kitchen and looked at her curiously.
"The light switch." She finally found it and flicked on the lights, which instantly lit up the room. "That's better." She reached back into the cupboard and lifted out a cup and turned to ask Vash if he wanted a drink.
"Wha-what are you doing?" She stammered as he reached over and laid his hands over hers, which were grasped around the glass so tight she thought it might break. He was so close to her and she could feel the heat emanating from him and her heart threatened to beat right out of her chest.
"Meryl..." His voice was low and quiet and she glanced up to look into her eyes, which were the most beautiful colour she had ever seen them.
"What's wrong?" Her voice sounded strangled.
"Will you still have me if I promise to be good?" He put on the most innocent face that Meryl had ever seen him use and she thought her heart would explode.
"When are you ever good?" Meryl laughed.
"I can be good sometimes." He whined and gently he prised the glass from her hands and set it on the side next to her before pulling her closer.
"I find that hard to believe." Meryl whispered.
"I can be polite." He said as he lowered his face so it was opposite Meryl's.
She looked deep into his eyes, which were now so close to her own it was scary, she had dreamed of this closeness for so long and now that it was here she was slightly afraid.
"Meryl, please may I kiss you?" He asked with a smile spreading on his face.
"If you want." She batted her eyelashes at him and he grinned before leaning further down and pressing his mouth gently against hers.
The kiss was gentle and shy, both of them unsure of what they were doing but eagerly continuing. Meryl let her arms reach up to wrap around his neck and worked one hand into his soft hair to hold him even closer. She felt his own arms slide around her waist and press her up against him. Meryl never knew that kissing like this could be so...good. She couldn't help but smile against his mouth and he obviously noticed because a second later he pulled back slightly to look into her eyes.
"I told you I was polite." He grinned and she swatted him in amusement. They stood together for a few moments longer, sharing breath in the dim lights before finally breaking apart, both of them a little flushed from the kiss they had just shared.
"I wonder where Millie is." Meryl said, trying desperately to keep her mind away from him and focus on something...anything else.
"I don't believe you!" He said, the smile from his face never faltering, "Do you purposely play hard to get or does it come naturally."
"I don't know what you're talking about." Meryl said as she batted away his hands, which were trying to draw her into another hug.
"She probably went for a walk." He said finally managing to get his arms around her and pressing her against his chest again.
She let her eyes fall closed and finally relaxed, allowing herself to be held by him, the weariness she had forgotten now returned and rested heavily on her eyelids. Sighing she wrapped her arms around Vash's slim waist and buried her face against his chest. She could feel one of his scars beneath the thin shirt against her cheek and nuzzled against it gently. He tensed under her gentle touch and looked down at her face, which was completely relaxed in the beginnings of sleep.
Gently he reached down and lifted her up into his arms and cradled her possessively against him, she turned her head up to look at him, violet eyes hazy with sleep.
"What are you doing?"
"Carrying you." He grinned and she shook her head, a small smile creeping onto her face.
Giving one glance at Ashley who was still fast asleep Vash ascended the stairs with Meryl in his arms before entering her room and laying her down on her bed. He smiled as he tugged a corner of the blanket out from under her and covered her with it before silently backing out of the room.
He knew she would have been annoyed if he had stayed with her, but part of him hadn't cared what she would have said or done in the morning. He hated returning to a cold, empty room with nothing but nightmares waiting for him in sleep. He partly wished that Meryl was still afraid to be left alone so at least he would have had that excuse to be with her. Sighing into the darkness he flopped down on his bed and fell asleep, his thoughts lingering between Meryl and his brother.
* * * * * *
Okay, well this chapter was sooooo hard to write, it took me three days to write which explains why some parts were written better than others. For some reason I just couldn't find the write words to express what I wanted to say, and I don't know why. Next chapter will hopefully be better and will focus mainly on Millie and Knives. I have also had a few new ideas which means this fic will last a little longer than expected. I hope you enjoyed it and plz review.
Oh and another quick note...some of u may have noticed I have started another fic called Freedom, but DON'T worry, this fic will be my main priority, I will not give up on it.
'Love and Peace'
Note: Hello everyone, just a short note this time, this next chapter is going to be in two parts, this half will be concentrating on Meryl and Vash and their relationship. Then the second part will be concentrating on Millie and Knives. So once again I will thank all my wonderful reviewers:
Snapdragon76 - Yay I'm glad you liked the last chapter; I wasn't really sure how people would find it. Thanks for your review and definitely go with the Kleenex feeling.
Pammi - I'm glad you are so understanding and yes there will be some Millie/Knives coming soon so don't worry. Thanks for your review.
Blue and TK - Your review made me laugh and I'm glad Wolfwood comes in handy sometimes lol. Thanks again for your cool review.
Kentai - Glad you like my fan fic and I hope you will continue reading, here is your update and thanks for your review.
Chibi Chibi - I'm sorry for the long wait but here is your update and I'm glad you liked my decision bout bringing Meryl back. Thanks for your review.
Xim_chan - Thank you for such a sweet review, it means a lot to me that people are enjoying my fics and it does wonders for my confidence. So thanks again and I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Silverado - wow two reviews from you ^_^ I'm happy now. Okay first off I'm glad that my writing was good last time, I do check through my chapters every time but I probably misread stuff or when I add things to make it more detailed it probably happens then so I'll make sure to be more careful. I knew that my fic was probably a bit predictable but I just couldn't bring myself to kill one of the main characters. I did actually consider it after receiving your review suggesting it and I'm wondering now whether it might have been a better choice...but anyways it's done with now. I'm glad you liked the way I made Vash get angry, it was a comment from someone else which provoked me to write it and after giving it a lot of thought I think that Vash probably would act that way. I also thought it would be a bit weird if Meryl just woke up and acted all happy as well, I tried to imagine what it would be like to wake up and find out you weren't even the same species, I think I would be pretty peed by it which is how I came to the decision about how Meryl reacted. This chapter is going to concentrate mainly on Vash and Meryl so I can make their relationship...well...more stable. Regarding your second review I'm glad that you are enjoying it and that review made my day. Thanks soooo much for your reviews and I hope you like this chapter too.
Neptune Butterfly - Yeah I think maybe I did make Meryl over react a little but don't worry it'll all be straightened out in this chapter. About your Knives and Violet point I was actually considering it, but then I remembered I had promised some Millie/Knives romance to some of the other reviewers, and I'm still not sure whether I should keep Violet alive or not...And don't worry Violet forgives Kuroneko too. And no you weren't reading too much into the whole Millie hoping her feelings weren't love, I was kinda going for that approach and I'm glad you picked it out. I look forward to being bugged again lol thanks soooo much for your review.
Happyjack - Yeah I really liked your idea bout Vash going crazy so I thought why not and added some of that into it. Anyway I'm glad you are liking the way I am showing my characters and that they are all acting kind of how they should be. Sometimes it gets really confusing having so many people to write about so I'm glad I'm not totally messing up anyone. Also glad you liked Meryl's reaction and I'll try not to rush to write stuff but I do feel guilty when I don't update for a while. Thanks for your review and enjoy this next chapter.
Rainy-days13 - Yay I'm glad I'm not evil anymore and enjoy this next chapter, Meryl and Vash fluffy goodness is a promise ^_^. Thanks for your review.
Nekokito - When I read your review I wasn't sure whether to be extremely flattered or nervous that now I have so many people reading and that I have to make sure my writing quality doesn't fail me. After a few minutes I realised that your review was excellent and it means a lot to me that so many people are enjoying this, and having a review like that has virtually guaranteed a well written chapter cos it has boosted my confidence sky high. So here is your update and I hope you all enjoy it.
scathachdhu - I'm glad you liked the angst, when I started out writing this fic it wasn't supposed to be that angsty but it seems like it has. So thanks for your review and here is your update.
Wow all of that took me ages but on with the chapter:
Chapter 13 - Guilt
Meryl continued to run through what had happened in her mind, there was a throbbing pain in her head that just would not disappear and the weight of what had just happened caused her terrible pain; mentally and physically.
She knew she must have hurt him with what she had said before and she didn't blame him if he was angry at her, Vash was the kindest most selfless man she had ever met and would never have said anything to hurt her. Yet even though she knew all of this her mind still doubted the honesty in his words, perhaps he had grown attached to her, but what if it was only her pathetic confession that had forced him to feel that way?
She sat up and pulled her knees up against her before considering anything further, yes she wanted to believe it but she didn't want to get hurt - especially by that idiot of a man.
"Okay Meryl." She said aloud as if to force it into her mind "Think rationally, could it actually be possible that he was telling the truth, and even if he wasn't would it be so bad?" She gathered her thoughts and drew in a deep breath. 'Even if he was lying, he was still prepared to be with me...doesn't that count for something?' She thought helplessly.
"No" she decided, "It doesn't, I can't just go around living a lie." She glanced around the dimly lit room and sighed miserably, the curtains were pulled tightly closed so that no harsh light could enter the room. Wrapping her arms tighter around her knees she sat silently, half expecting to wake up and find that this was all just a terrible dream.
She wondered where everyone was and whether they had already left, maybe her behaviour towards Vash had sent him packing again, and maybe Millie was upset with her. Perhaps they had left her alone in this house, which seemed so large and scary when it was so quiet.
Her eyes filled with tears, as they seemed to be doing more and more recently but she held them back, she refused to cry anymore. Wiping them away with her sleeve she buried her face in her hands to block out the world, everything just seemed like it was going wrong, her own little world where only she existed was being torn apart. 'It's my own fault for letting that broom-head into my heart like that' her mind screamed at her.
A small tap on the door snapped her out of her depressing thoughts and her head snapped up to see who it was. She breathed a sigh of relief as Millie's head poked around the gap in the door and gave her a faint smile.
Easing the door open Millie stepped inside and closed it again quietly behind her before crossing the room to stand beside the bed. Meryl looked up at her silently, her eyes a dull shade of what they used to be.
"How are you feeling Meryl?" Millie asked happily and sat down on the edge of the bed.
"I'm fine...actually I'm better than fine." She put on her best smile, which instantly faltered when she looked into Millie's sad and all knowing eyes. Meryl could never fool her best friend.
For a long moment the two sat in silence, quite happy to be in each others presence and comfortable enough with each other to not have to fill the gap with talking. Both were carefully planning what to say to each other so that their points would not be misunderstood. Neither of them wanted to fight because they hadn't been understood properly and finally Millie broke the silence with the question Meryl knew was coming:
"What did you say to Mr. Vash earlier?"
For a long time Meryl didn't answer and Millie wondered if she had even heard her. "Meryl?"
"I heard Millie, I'm just trying to find an answer that makes sense." Meryl replied and leaned forwards to bury her face in her hands again. Her head sill ached with confusion and weariness; she was tired...so tired of living and hurting all the time. Millie laid a comforting hand on her shoulder and tried to cheer her friend up.
"I'm sure its not all that bad." Her tone was full of hope and forced happiness.
"I don't think I can stay here anymore." Meryl murmured, partly hoping that Millie wouldn't hear her.
"What! So after all this time, having the pain of Vash leaving, your just gonna leave and do exactly the same thing to him!" Millie tried to suppress the anger in her tone but failed and simply allowed her feelings to be shown.
"Millie..." Meryl looked up at her friend and their eyes met hesitantly, "after all that has happened there is no way I can stay here in this place...with him."
"I thought you wanted to be close to him?"
"I did...I mean I do...its just that things have changed now."
"Is this something about what happened earlier?" Millie pressured again.
Meryl nodded slowly and the familiar stinging at the back of her eyes returned with such a force she struggled to keep the tears from being shed.
"Vash told me he loved me."
"And why is that so bad?"
"He is only saying that out of guilt and pity for me, I'm not human anymore Millie and he probably feels like he should be responsible for me."
"Now Meryl." Millie said firmly "Think about what you just said and ask yourself whether that sounds at all like the Vash we know and care about."
"I..."
"Listen Meryl, I don't really understand why you and Mr. Vash are like this around each other but listen to me, after Vash left your room earlier I haven't seen him since. He was pretty upset by the looks of it and seeing him like that made it clear to me that he was being completely sincere with you."
"Do you think so?" Millie smiled at Meryl's childlike expression, her large innocent eyes staring up at her tearfully and the guilt that flickered beneath them.
"I'm sure if you spoke to him he would forgive you." Millie smiled and stood up and Meryl nodded and jumped from the bed before stumbling over to the drawers to search for some clothes to wear.
"I'll go and get you something to eat." Millie grinned and left the room quickly.
Meryl quickly discarded her nightclothes and changed into a fresh blouse and skirt before dashing out of the door, pausing only to drag a brush through her hair and slip on some shoes. She had an idea where Vash might be and she didn't want to waste anymore time.
Dashing down the short flight of stairs she reached the front door and opened it before stepping out into the afternoon rays. She could not believe how long she had stayed in her room; already the suns were setting in the sky and casting a fiery glow all around.
Breathing in deeply to try and calm her fluttering stomach Meryl walked as silently as possible. There were not many people out in the streets and she guessed they were probably inside, sheltering from the dying rays of the suns.
Pausing in her step she swivelled her head upwards towards the cliff side where she and Vash had been all those weeks ago and sure enough, he was there. His back was turned towards her and his gaze was fixed at the sky, watching the suns as they fell from their places in the sky.
The shadows lengthened even as she made the short walk up the rocky cliffy side and it wasn't long before she was standing a few meters from him. She stood for a while and observed him, before now she had thought that maybe he was lost deep in thought but as she watched him even more carefully she could see the slight quiver of his shoulders. 'He's crying' Her throat thickened and she tried to force away the tears that had once again sprung into her own eyes.
***Meryl's POV***
Carefully I approached him, still unsure of what to do or say to him once I got there, I was afraid he would ignore me or perhaps he would shout at me as I had done to him. Blocking the thoughts from my mind I tried to concentrate on what to say to him, I knew I should apologise first, but then what?
I forced one foot to move in front of the other until I was standing beside him and sat down next to him. I was afraid to speak and break the silence or his concentration and simply sat next to him with my eyes fixed on the dusty ground. I wasn't even sure whether he knew I was there with him and almost jumped out of my skin when he spoke.
"You should be resting." His voice was soft and almost too gentle and my throat tightened in response, it would have been easier to take if he was angry with me. I didn't anticipate such a gentle response and I bit on my bottom lip nervously. My guilt gathered in strength and he had hardly said a sentence to me yet.
He sat with his head turned away so I couldn't see his face and that made everything so much worse, he had already had so much pain in his life...he didn't need me adding to it. I considered leaving him alone but knew if I did I would probably lose him forever and just thinking about it made me want to give up on life altogether.
I couldn't bear to think of life without him, so why the hell was I sitting here saying nothing!
"Vash." I choked and just about kept the tears under control. He didn't look up, he didn't react at all and my heart twisted in agony. 'He really does hate me' I thought helplessly...
A cold tear escaped and gently trickled down my face leaving a small silvery trail behind it. I rubbed at it angrily, to rid myself of it. I had no right to cry.
"Do you need help getting back?" Vash asked, in the same soft but emotionless tone, which broke me from my thoughts. I snapped up my head hoping to meet his eyes but to my dismay he still had his head turned away, his hair had fallen from its usual style and waved in the light breeze.
"I came to apologise." I murmured quietly hoping that would provoke a reaction from him, anything was better than him just sitting there silently.
"You don't have anything to apologise for."
"I was awful to you...I didn't mean anything I said Vash...I was just afraid that you were pitying me and that I would be living a lie if I let you into my life." I let my head drop a little and focused on the ground again, it felt good to be able to get that out in the open. At least now he might understand why I acted so terribly but it didn't excuse what I had done.
"Oh...Meryl, do you really think I would be so cruel to do that to you?"
"No, I don't know what I was thinking, please forgive me."
"Like I said before, there is nothing to forgive." This time he did turn to face me and I met his eyes eagerly and instantly became lost deep inside them.
"I think I would feel better if you were angry with me." I admitted and scooted closer to him, my hand resting close by his on the dusty ground.
His eyes never left mine and I felt the deeper urge to just sit and stare into them all night when suddenly he broke eye contact and turned round to face me fully and rested his hands on my shoulders.
"Meryl, I can't believe how mean you are!" He put on his sweet puppy eyes and tried his best to look hurt and upset.
"I know, I'm sorry." I laughed at the huge grin he now had on his face and blushed as I realised his hands had remained on my shoulders.
"So what now?" He asked, his eyes softening to a gentle wash of green.
"What do you mean?" Did he mean us? Or did he mean something else?
"Well, I'm still not sure how you are still with us...I mean you are supposed to be dead but that Violet girl saved you...she made you into a plant and that may have some sort of effect on you."
"What!" I couldn't suppress the panic and he obviously noticed.
"Oh don't worry, I'm sure nothing bad will happen. I mean if Violet was fine with the plant energy there is no reason why you shouldn't be."
Suddenly he released his grip on my shoulders and turned back to stare at the suns which were almost gone by this time. The sky was alive with a passion of wonderful colours, flaming reds and brassy oranges, which mingled as one to form the perfect picture. I felt somewhat honoured to be able to see such a beautiful sunset and by the looks of it Vash felt the same way.
I had never seen him as relaxed as he was now; a small but genuine smile graced his angelic features and had risen up to his eyes; making them shimmer with a vibrant life. I sat looking up at him, only slightly aware that he probably knew I was sat staring at him. 'Look away' I told myself, but my body wouldn't listen and my eyes were fixed on him, drawn to him like a moth to the flame.
My heart fluttered as he turned to look at me again and I dipped my head to hide the flare of embarrassment that had instantly coloured my face. Why was I still pretending that I had no feelings for him? Why was he acting so normal? He knew how I felt about him, and I had the sneaking suspicion he felt the same way about me, but still both of us were hesitant, afraid to cross the line we had distanced ourselves from for so long.
Lost deep in thought I never even realised he had moved closer until I felt his arm move up around me and couldn't contain a small squeak of surprise. He laughed at my reaction and pulled me closer so I was snuggled up against his side.
"That's better." He murmured and glanced down at me with a huge grin on his face. I couldn't help but smile back before nuzzling up against him affectionately.
Okay so perhaps it wasn't the most intimate act, but for me it was the best thing I could have hoped for, leaning against him felt so right so...perfect. For the first time in my life I felt whole, not ripped apart or empty inside.
***Normal POV***
Millie sat in the kitchen with Ashley talking happily together and ignoring their fears about Knives and that strange woman who had almost succeeded in killing Meryl. Ashley said nothing to Millie about what had happened but in her youthful mind she knew that's who she was thinking about.
"This pudding is really good Millie." Ashley said, waving her spoon around enthusiastically.
"Yes it is." She agreed.
"Millie..."
"What's wrong?" The tall girl asked and the girl simply shook her head and lowered her gaze to the table. She wasn't sure whether she should bring up the subject that her friend was obviously thinking about.
"Knives isn't evil anymore Millie." She murmured quietly.
"You think so?" The interest in her tone was obvious.
"Yeah definitely, he's probably on his way home now."
"Maybe." She sounded sceptical and her blue eyes seemed suddenly dull with worry.
"You care for Knives don't you?" Ashley pushed the subject.
"I don't really know what I feel about that man, it's so strange...I know I should hate him for what he did to Wolfwood but I just don't."
"It's just the kind of person you are Millie." Ashley stood up and wrapped her arms around Millie's shoulders.
"Maybe I should go meet him."
"Huh?" Ashley looked at the older woman with interest and nodded meekly.
"I'll go meet with Mr. Knives and ask him what he means to do, maybe I can find out if he has really changed or not, then Mr. Vash won't have to worry anymore." Her blue eyes regained their life again and she stood up from the chair.
"Are you going now?" The girl asked and followed her around the room, watching her gathering her coat and shoes.
"Yes, will you stay here and tell Meryl and Mr. Vash that I'll be back a bit late?"
"Of course Millie, and be careful okay." Ashley followed her to the door and stood watching her leave before closing it and turning back to the empty house.
She hoped desperately that Millie would be okay but she sincerely believed that Knives was okay now and she was sure that Millie knew that too. 'I wonder why she went to meet him.' Ashley thought before flopping down on the couch and waiting patiently for Meryl and Vash to return in the haze of darkness.
* * * * * *
The suns had finally dipped away out of sight and given way to the consuming shadows leaving the cliffs bathed in a warm but heavy darkness. It lay thick around the desert like a comforting blanket to give protection from prying eyes.
Vash turned his gaze to the woman who was leaning against him, still awake but just barely. They hadn't spoken much at all but just watched the suns as they made their descent into oblivion and now darkness had settled over them both.
"Are you still awake?" Vash asked with slight amusement.
"Of course!" Meryl snapped, sounding only half annoyed as she sat up and pulled slightly away from him.
"Hey don't be that way, if you want to go back you only have to ask." He got up and brushed the dust from his clothes before holding out his hand to help her to her feet.
She looked at his hand incredulously, and for a moment he thought she was going to decline his offer until she reached up and took it. Then together they made their way home through the darkened streets.
"Millie will probably be wondering where we are." Meryl said quietly, wanting to fill the gap of silence as they walked.
"She won't mind."
"I think I should probably get back to work as soon as possible." She continued, knowing that he probably wouldn't like the idea of her working so soon after the incident.
"Meryl do you think that's wise?"
"Yes, we need the money to pay off the rent we owe."
"Maybe we can move on to another town." Vash offered.
"Even if we did we still have to pay off the rest of the money, but leaving might not be such a bad idea. The people here have never really been too fond of you Vash and this place holds so many bad memories." Meryl sighed miserably.
"So you want to leave?"
"I don't know."
"Well I say we talk this through when my brother gets back." Vash suggested and linked arms with Meryl happily as they reached the house.
"If he comes back." Meryl reminded him.
"He will." He pushed the door open and stepped inside. Ashley had fallen asleep on the couch and Meryl went over to her and smiled softly at the child before gently grabbing one of the blankets beside the couch and wrapping it around her.
"Do you want a drink or something?" Meryl asked as she entered the small kitchen and searched the cupboards for a cup, which was an almost impossible task in the darkness. Sighing she searched for the light switch.
"What are you looking for?" Vash asked as he poked his head into the kitchen and looked at her curiously.
"The light switch." She finally found it and flicked on the lights, which instantly lit up the room. "That's better." She reached back into the cupboard and lifted out a cup and turned to ask Vash if he wanted a drink.
"Wha-what are you doing?" She stammered as he reached over and laid his hands over hers, which were grasped around the glass so tight she thought it might break. He was so close to her and she could feel the heat emanating from him and her heart threatened to beat right out of her chest.
"Meryl..." His voice was low and quiet and she glanced up to look into her eyes, which were the most beautiful colour she had ever seen them.
"What's wrong?" Her voice sounded strangled.
"Will you still have me if I promise to be good?" He put on the most innocent face that Meryl had ever seen him use and she thought her heart would explode.
"When are you ever good?" Meryl laughed.
"I can be good sometimes." He whined and gently he prised the glass from her hands and set it on the side next to her before pulling her closer.
"I find that hard to believe." Meryl whispered.
"I can be polite." He said as he lowered his face so it was opposite Meryl's.
She looked deep into his eyes, which were now so close to her own it was scary, she had dreamed of this closeness for so long and now that it was here she was slightly afraid.
"Meryl, please may I kiss you?" He asked with a smile spreading on his face.
"If you want." She batted her eyelashes at him and he grinned before leaning further down and pressing his mouth gently against hers.
The kiss was gentle and shy, both of them unsure of what they were doing but eagerly continuing. Meryl let her arms reach up to wrap around his neck and worked one hand into his soft hair to hold him even closer. She felt his own arms slide around her waist and press her up against him. Meryl never knew that kissing like this could be so...good. She couldn't help but smile against his mouth and he obviously noticed because a second later he pulled back slightly to look into her eyes.
"I told you I was polite." He grinned and she swatted him in amusement. They stood together for a few moments longer, sharing breath in the dim lights before finally breaking apart, both of them a little flushed from the kiss they had just shared.
"I wonder where Millie is." Meryl said, trying desperately to keep her mind away from him and focus on something...anything else.
"I don't believe you!" He said, the smile from his face never faltering, "Do you purposely play hard to get or does it come naturally."
"I don't know what you're talking about." Meryl said as she batted away his hands, which were trying to draw her into another hug.
"She probably went for a walk." He said finally managing to get his arms around her and pressing her against his chest again.
She let her eyes fall closed and finally relaxed, allowing herself to be held by him, the weariness she had forgotten now returned and rested heavily on her eyelids. Sighing she wrapped her arms around Vash's slim waist and buried her face against his chest. She could feel one of his scars beneath the thin shirt against her cheek and nuzzled against it gently. He tensed under her gentle touch and looked down at her face, which was completely relaxed in the beginnings of sleep.
Gently he reached down and lifted her up into his arms and cradled her possessively against him, she turned her head up to look at him, violet eyes hazy with sleep.
"What are you doing?"
"Carrying you." He grinned and she shook her head, a small smile creeping onto her face.
Giving one glance at Ashley who was still fast asleep Vash ascended the stairs with Meryl in his arms before entering her room and laying her down on her bed. He smiled as he tugged a corner of the blanket out from under her and covered her with it before silently backing out of the room.
He knew she would have been annoyed if he had stayed with her, but part of him hadn't cared what she would have said or done in the morning. He hated returning to a cold, empty room with nothing but nightmares waiting for him in sleep. He partly wished that Meryl was still afraid to be left alone so at least he would have had that excuse to be with her. Sighing into the darkness he flopped down on his bed and fell asleep, his thoughts lingering between Meryl and his brother.
* * * * * *
Okay, well this chapter was sooooo hard to write, it took me three days to write which explains why some parts were written better than others. For some reason I just couldn't find the write words to express what I wanted to say, and I don't know why. Next chapter will hopefully be better and will focus mainly on Millie and Knives. I have also had a few new ideas which means this fic will last a little longer than expected. I hope you enjoyed it and plz review.
Oh and another quick note...some of u may have noticed I have started another fic called Freedom, but DON'T worry, this fic will be my main priority, I will not give up on it.
'Love and Peace'