DISCLAIMER: I own 72 dollars and 37 cents. If you think I'm Tamora Pierce, here's a little newsflash-SHE GETS PAID! Not to mention she writes a lot better than I do.

Chapter 3: Birthday Preparations and Berry Picking

Daine: [runs home with Neal still following]

Neal: DAINE! WAIT UP! [follows her into the cottage]

Thayet: Is he your boyfriend?

Neal: Not if you don't want me to be her boyfriend, babe.

Thayet: Well, I'd rather be married to you than Jon.

Neal: Can I ask your father for permission to marry you?

Thayet: My father was a psychopath who forced my mother to commit suicide. If you want to talk to him, be my guest.

Neal: On second thought, maybe I'll marry Daine after all...

Daine: NOOOOOO! Aunt Alanna, stand up for me here! You didn't want to get married, either!

Alanna: But I got married anyway.

Daine: NOOOOOO! Onua?

Onua: That's AUNT Onua to you, missy.

Thayet: But she's betrothed!

All: [gasp]

Daine: I'm WHAT?

Thayet: No! I said...er...[whispers to Alanna] What rhymes with betrothed?

Alanna: Um...Erode?

Thayet: Uh...close enough. [to Daine] I said you were erode.

Daine: Um...[yanks out a Webster's dictionary and reads aloud] "erode: to diminish or destroy by degrees,to gradually eat into or wear away." So...that makes no sense whatsoever. Are you saying I'm supposed to eat Neal gradually?

Neal: Eeek! [jumps away from Daine]

Thayet: Um...

Daine: OK! [starts to run after Neal]

Neal: Think of the horrible taste I'd leave in your mouth!

Daine: Ew. You're right.

Thayet: So, did you get the berries?

Daine: Um...oops.

Thayet: So what took you so long? [looks suspiciously at Neal] You weren't...together, were you?

Daine: [runs around shrieking "EW! EW!"]

Neal: [sighs] I wish.

Daine: We were together, but Numair was there, too. [gets the dreamy look in her eyes]

Neal: Oh, no. Here we go again.

Onua: Numair?

Alanna: Who?

Daine: He's wonderful! He's tall, and handsome...

Alanna: Oh, great. Just what we need.

Thayet: Um...girls? We shouldn't forget she's...er...ERODE?

Daine: Huh?

Alanna: You'd better...um...pick those berries, Daine. We need them. For the...pie. I'm baking you a pie. It's your birthday tomorrow, remember? Your 16th?

Daine: You're baking me a pie? You're so nice!

Random People: Awww! Kodak moment!

Daine: That joke is old. Very old.

TTRNGP: GET OUT OF OUR COTTAGE!

Random people: We're just plain unloved. Do you realize we're not getting paid?

Daine: The Almighty Author doesn't get paid, either. And she does a lot more work than you guys.

Random People: Point taken. [they leave]

Alanna: I'll have to file a complaint with the Almighty Author about them...

Daine: Anyway, I'll go get the berries.

Neal: I'll come, too. You guys have any nice haystacks around here?

Daine: [runs into the forest screaming, with Neal following]

Alanna: So, we need to address the situation at hand.

Thayet: Yes. How do we tell Daine she's betrothed?

Alanna: Actually, I meant what are we getting her for her birthday. But that works, too.

Thayet: [sighs] What are we going to do?

Singing Peasants: The Funky Chicken?

Thayet: Argh! I thought we got rid of you in chapter one!

Singing Peasants: We really need to get a union job...

Thayet: [sighs] We need to think.

Singing Peasants: [to the tune of that song from Blues Clues] So just sit down in your thinking chair and think, think, thi-i-ink...

Thayet: AHHHH! Go away!

Singing Peasants: OK, that's it! We are COMPLAINING! We either get paid or we'll join up with the Random People and become picketers! [they run off to yell at the poor Almighty Author]

Onua: So, really, what are we going to do?

Alanna: Ummm...bake a pie?

Thayet: THAT'S IT!

Alanna: See? I'm a genius!

Thayet: No! I mean we'll bake the pie, and make a dress for her and when she's in a good mood, we'll tell her.

Alanna: One problem.

Thayet: What?

Onua: We can't cook! Or make dresses!

Thayet: Nonsense! We'll use our Gifts!

Alanna: Um...Okay.

Narrator: While TTRNGP are working away at making the perfect birthday celebration for Daine, she was picking berries in the forest...

Daine: Neal! Go away!

Neal: No! I won't go away until you say you'll marry me!

Numair: Actually, I was about to say the same thing.

Daine: Numair! [gets that dreamy look in her eyes] What are you doing here?

Neal: Not him AGAIN!

Numair: I have awaited here all day long, my dearest Daine Stormwing, hoping you would return sooner than designated.

Neal: Gag me.

Daine: Gladly. [shoves a mouthful of berries in Neal's mouth] You were saying?

Numair: My darling, I must confess...

Daine: [gasp] You're married?

Numair: Not exactly...

Daine: You have sinus problems? I do too, it's really not that big of a deal...

Numair: NO! I just...

Daine: You're a cross dresser? [looks suspiciously at his tunic]

Numair: Of course not, I'm just...

Daine: You're a ghost?

Numair: I'M BETROTHED!

Daine: You don't have to shout! [gasps] You're BETROTHED? To who?

Numair: Some goddess girl. She disappeared at birth, though. I doubt she'll ever be found again. Marry me, my magelet?

Daine: Duh I will! But...if you're betrothed to a GODDESS, you must be...

Numair: A prince or a god? I'm only a prince. And she's only a minor goddess. Or was.

Daine: Oh, Numair, that's wonderful! I'll get to live in a PALACE and all, and...oh I love you Numair! [they kiss]

Neal: [finally manages to eat all the berries] Ick. Why can't they do this in private?

Daine: 'Cause some people won't leave!

Narrator: Back in the cottage...

Alanna: Let's see...to bake a pie crust...[sighs] When is somebody going to get around to creating a Super Wal-Mart that sells pre-made pies?

Onua: As soon as someone creates a JC Penney so I can buy a dress!

Thayet: Did you know the JC stands for James Cash?

Onua: WHO CARES? I just want to finish this stupid dress!

Thayet: [sniffs] I just thought it was INTERESTING...

Alanna: Would you two shut UP? I've got to bake this cake!

Onua: And what if I don't?

Alanna: I'll turn you into a cat again!

Faithful: I consider that an insult...

Narrator: Once the preparations were done, Daine arrived home. The next morning, she opened her gifts...

Daine: Oh, look, it's a gross bloody-red-purple dress!

Alanna: I wanted it purple, after my beautiful eyes...

Onua: I wanted orange, after your magic.

Thayet: I wanted red, 'cause I like red.

Alanna: So we blended them!

Daine: How...lovely. Can I eat my pie now?

Alanna: [brings out the pie] I decided not to use the berries. I made an asparagus cinnamon pie instead!

Daine: Oh...yum, Aunt Alanna. Let's eat it later, shall we? I have an announcement!

Alanna: What is that, Daine?

Daine: I'm getting married!

Thayet: To...whom?

Daine: Numair Salmalin!

Onua : Um...dear...we have to tell you something...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Thank you all for the amazing reviews. I got sooooo many! I'm surprised only one person mentioned the Neal thing. I expected more people to wonder why I used him. Well, I needed another source of humor. Most of the stuff in Chap. 2 and some of the stuff in Chap. 3 wasn't funny without him.

I'm not sure if this will be a 4-chap or 5-chap fic. If the next one is as long as this is, it'll be a 4-chap. We'll see. Anyway, I'm sort of eager to start on my next fic, because chapter 1's all written out in my head already. So expect this story to end soon!