DISCLAIMER: I hate these things. [sigh] I don't own the plot, because it's a folk tale (or maybe it belongs to the Brothers Grimm. Whatever) and the characters belong to the Amazing and Almighty Tamora Pierce, except for the Narrator, and the RSPP, which I own. Oh, and Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner, who belong to Looney Toons. Or the Baudelaire orphans, those belong to Lemony Snicket. Sheesh, this chapter has a lot of guest stars.

A/N: This chapter includes some Jon-bashing. I have problems with him, because of his jerky behavior in "In the Hand of the Goddess", "The Woman Who Rides Like a Man" and "First Test". If you don't like it, don't read it. You've been warned.

Chapter 4: Utter Randomness

Alanna: You're...erm...well...

Daine: Just say it!

Onua: You're...

Daine: Well?

TTRNGP: Betrothed.

Daine: [faints]

Neal: [catches her] Hey, why am I still here, anyway? I haven't done anything since yesterday!

Alanna: I have no idea.

Neal: Oh, whatever. [looks at Daine] Maybe I should kiss her so she'll wake up...

Daine: [is instantly awake due to the mere suggestion of kissing Neal] Get off of me!

Neal: Hey! How do you know it's not ME you're betrothed to!

Daine: Oh, goddess, I hope not.

Thayet: I hope not, too. [winks at Neal]

Daine: Um...Aunt Thayet, isn't that a little...disgusting?

Thayet: Um, why?

Daine: Well, for one thing, you're married. For another thing, you're like 40.

Thayet: I'm not THAT old. And I happen to be married to the biggest jerk on Earth.

Alanna: What's EARTH?

Thayet: Um...I'm not sure.

Jon: [pops out of nowhere] I LOVE YOU THAYET!

Thayet: Eeek! [runs away with Jon and a slobbering Neal chasing her]

Daine: That was weird.

Onua: Daine? Can we get back to the subject here?

Alanna: Yeah. Like the fact that you're a goddess.

Daine: [faints again, but this time Neal's off chasing Thayet so she bangs her head on Ibn Nazzir]

Ibn Nazzir: YOU SHALL BE CORRUPTED! MUAHAHAHAHA! [runs around in circles]

Alanna: Eeek! Not you again! Didn't I just see you when I was Cinderalanna?

Ibn Nazzir: The author finds me amusing. I'm not sure why. YOU SHALL ALL BE CORRUPTED!

Random Anvil: [falls on Ibn Nazzir's head because he forgot the Almighty]

Wile E. Coyote: Yes! Finally one of those anvils missed me!

Road Runner: Meep! [runs off, chased by Wile E.]

Alanna: Wile E. Coyote talks?

Thayet: [runs back into the cottage and bolts the door before Neal or Jon can enter]

Onua: [dumps a glass of water on Daine's head, waking her up]

Daine: Did I miss something?

Alanna: Yeah, but don't ask. So anyway, we were just telling you that you're a goddess, and betrothed to a prince named Arram who you've never even met, Neal wants to marry you, you have a cross dressing emporer who wants to kill you, and you have to stay away from toothpicks or die. Did I miss anything?

Daine: I sure hope not. I think I must have the most miserable life in the world.

Baudelaire Orphans: At least a one-eyebrowed madman with a tattoo of an eye on his ankle isn't chasing you.

Daine: Point taken.

Alanna: [wiggles her fingers a bit and everyone not created by the Almighty Author or Tamora Pierce vanishes from the story]

Thayet: THANK YOU! They were getting annoying.

Onua: Anyway, Daine, we're taking you back to your parents. Tonight.

Daine: NOOOOOO! I LOVE NUMAIR!

Alanna: I'm sorry, Daine. It must be this way.

Daine: Who are my parents, anyway?

Onua: Your Da is the hunt god of Galla, Weiryn. Your Ma is also from Galla, Sarra the Green Lady.

Neal: YES! NOW I CAN ASK FOR YOUR HAND!

Daine: Oh, shut up, Neal. Didn't Thayet lock you outside?

Neal: Oh, yeah. [vanishes]

Daine: So how are we going to get to the Divine Realms?

Alanna: You see, the Almighty Author built an Almighty catapult.

Daine: CATAPULT? Like a slingshot?

Onua: Yup. All we've got to do is climb in, have someone pull us back and whoooosh! We're in the Divine Realms.

Daine: That is just freaky.

Thayet: You don't like it, complain to the Author.

Random Singing Picketing People: YES! That's what we did! Now we're the RSPP! [they wave signs proclaiming "AUTHOR UNFAIRNESS!" and "Character Rights!"]

Alanna: Not YOU again!

Narrator: That evening...

Alanna: C'mon, Daine. Time to go.

Daine: [sobs]

Neal: Can I come too?

Thayet: I guess there's no choice.

Narrator: They all pile into the Almighty Catapult, and have the RSPP pull them back...

RSPP: This is unfair! We have RIGHTS, we tell you! Rights! [they start singing] R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Thayet: NO! NOT THE OLDIES! PLEASE! SPARE US!

RSPP: Oh, whatever. [they launch the catapult]

Narrator: They were soon in the Divine Realms...

Daine: [shape-shifts into an eagle and flies to the top of a tree]

Alanna: DAINE! We don't have time for this!

Narrator: While TTRNGP are trying to get Daine out of the tree, and old enemy awaits in a nearby citadel, much closer than they think...

Ozornella: I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS! How could a stupid little girl outwit me for 16 LONG YEARS?

Ozornella's Stupid Minion: Der...I dunno.

Ozornella: WHY HAVEN'T YOU FOUND HER?

Minion: Der...I dunno.

Ozornella: [sighs] WHY ME?

Minion: Der...I dunno.

Ozornella: WHY WON'T YOU SHUT UP?

Minion: Der...I dunno.

Ozornella: WHY ARE MINIONS ALWAYS STUPID?

Minion: Der...I dunno.

Ozornella: YOU ARE NOT HELPFUL! When am I going to learn, if you want a job done right, do it yourself?

Minion: Der...I-

Ozornella: JUST SHUT UP!

Minion: Okey dokey.

Ozornella: I shall pay a visit to my old friends Sarra and Weiryn. Me, and my pal here. [holds up giant silver toothpick] THE EVIL TOOTHPICK OF DOOM! Also known as TETOD! [swoops out of the citadel, holding the toothpick and cackling]

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A/N: CLIFFHANGER! MUAHAHAHA!

Garetha: DON'T STEAL MY LINES!

Thank you to my reviewers, yet again. To Aura Rayne: No, I'm doing Immortals characters only in this fic, with the exception of Neal. I will do a PotS fairy tale sometime in the future-although that probably won't be my next fic. All info on my next fic will be included in my final A/N in this story.

Also, if you want a logical explanation as to why Daine didn't put two and two together and realize she was betrothed to Numair/Arram...Well, this story just isn't logical, folks. Get used to it.

Seriously, though, I like to think Daine was in shock, and wasn't really thinking correctly. Of course, in this story none of the characters are thinking correctly, or normally, for that matter. Except for Jon. He never thinks correctly, so he's therefore thinking normally.

I could blabber on for a while, but I won't. So, I'll see you at the next (and final) chapter of Sleeping Magelet. Bye!