Disclaimer: Look, how often must I say this? I do not own the X-men, Labyrinth or David Bowie and his songs. Sniff.

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"Ahh!"

"Jean, I don't think screaming is helping matters."

"Sorry Storm."

"Thank you."

"Ah thought ah'd go deaf if she kept on goin'."

"Rogue, now is not the time for this."

"Whatevah proffesah." There was a pause. "Ah'm ah the only one who thinks these hands are kinda...wrong?"

There was a pause. "No, they are wrong."

"Hey!"

"Ahh!"

"Jean!" Rogue growled. "Th' hands just talked, big wow. Now, hands, what way are we going?"

"None just yet, up or down?"

"Come on, come on!"

"We don't have all day."

"Aah!"

"Get a lot of people falling down here, do you?" The professor asked conversationally. "Will my wheelchair be waiting for me?"

"No."

"It probably dropped down to the bottom, Charles." Storm sighed.

"Then we'll go down." The red head smiled at her ingenuity and screamed again as they were all dropped.

"Tha's real good thinkin', Miss Perfect."

-----------------

Scott stopped in his wanderings to find himself at the doors he had entered into the maze. He looked left then right then sat down. "Anyone going to help me?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

"Aah!"

"It's alright." Continued the high pitched squeaky voice. "I'm just a worm."

"Oh."

"Now, you'll want to just walk forward and through that gap."

Scott got to his feet and did so, surprised to realise that the walls were cleverly placed together to look like one continuous piece of work. "Oh." He started to blush. "What way?"

"Left."

"Great." He ran off.

The worm chuckled. "Wont the Goblin King be pleased? Right would have taken that human straight to the castle."

There was a croak before the Toad-Goblin appeared next to him. "Hello."

"Hello." The worm started to edge away.

"I'm supposed to deal with this lot – not you." The Toad-Goblin flicked out his tongue and swallowed the worm whole. "Yum, worm for breakfast."

"Toad-Goblin!"

"Coming!"

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"Logan!" Shadow-cat screamed. "Get it away, get it away!"

"Hold still!"

"Ahh!"

"I said stay still."

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god..."

Evan raised an eyebrow. "Its only a spider, kitty, and your hair will grow back." He grinned broadly. "At least I'm not the only X-man now with a crew cut."

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god..."

Logan looked over to the other mutant. "Do you think I should maybe just give her one danger room session as compensation."

"Yeah..."

-----------------------

Rogue opened her eyes slowly and found herself in a pitch black room. This was not good at all as she struggled to locate anything. A candle suddenly flared to life and the Goth glared at Ororo who was holding the candle.

"Sorry."

"It's all right." The weather witch looked around her then froze as a shadow detached itself into the circle of light.

"Vell, vell, vell, how are you enjoying mien maze?"

"Kurt, did you take John?" Rogue put her hands on her hips and marched over to him. "Well?"

The blue mutant blushed and shrugged. "I'm ze Goblin King and she asked me to take him avay."

The Goth looked at him square in the eyes. "Ok, at least ya have a reason. Jean!"

"What now?"

Kurt jumped in before world war three exploded out. "So then, how are you finding this challenge?"

Jean smiled smugly. "A piece of cake."

"Then let's raise the stakes." A clock appeared and the hour hand started to move forward rapidly.

"That's not fair!"

Everyone glared at Jean as Kurt bowed and vanished in a puff of brimstone smelling smoke. Ororo spoke first. "Jean, can I ask you not to speak anymore until we have your cousin?"

"Ok."

"Good." The weather witch stood up and ran into the knee high Pietro-Goblin. "Oh, what are you doing here?"

"I'm to take you back to the start."

"Which is?"

The goblin pointed to a ladder. "Up then left, takes you straight to the beginning."

"Ok." Storm conjured a bolt of lighting and fried the little goblin before heading to the ladder. "We shall go up then right."

------------------------

Kurt looked around his large castle room again and watched in his crystal ball as Ororo took initiative and started to head straight to the castle, he knew the Brotherhood Goblins wouldn't fail him. Only Scott was going the wrong way and Kitty was sporting a very strange haircut. Oh well, accidents happened.

"So zen." He looked at the goblins lazily. "Vhat shall ve do as ve vait?"

A particularly fluffy goblin grinned. "No idea."

"I, like, have totally no idea." A little goblin with a high pony giggled.

Kurt sat up, bolt straight. "You remind me of the babe." Music filled the room.

"What babe?" All the goblins chorused.

"The babe with the power."

"What power?"

"The power of voodoo."

"Who do?"

"You do."

"Do what?"

"Remind me of the babe."

The goblins burst out laughing and Kurt jumped to his feet, using his staff like a microphone. "Quiet!" More laughter. "A goblin babe." Again they laughed. "Well?"

The goblins started to dance manically.

"I saw my baby,

Crying as hard as babe could cry

What could I do?

My baby's love had gone

And left my baby blue

Nobody knew

What kind of magic spell to use."

The goblins started, a particularly skinny pair taking the lead.

"Slime and snails."

"Or puppy dogs tails" Chorused a furry one.

"Thunder or lightning." Boomed a large, fat one.

"And baby said," Kurt pointed to John.

"Ga. Ga." The baby gurgled on perfect cue.

"Dance magic dance

Dance magic dance..."

---------------------------

Logan was growing nervous as he walked through a hedged in part of the labyrinth, it was the silence that was getting on his nerves really. Kitty had stopped screaming and finished with shell shock nearly an hour ago – though the time on his watch had jumped a further four for some reason. A number thirteen had also appeared.

Kitty was right now staring straight ahead in grim silence.

"So, what way – left or right?" Evan asked with a groan.

"Left?"

"We always go left."

"Then why did you ask!" Logan popped out his adamantium claws and froze when Kitty caught his hand.

"Why don't you stop using these for threatening Evan and start using them like giant hedge cutters." She smiled darkly. "That way we'll just plough straight on to the castle and I can kick the Goblin King between the legs."

"Now vhy vould you vant to do zat, fraulein?" Kurt smiled as he rested with his back against a pillar. "Vell?"

Kitty looked at him then at Logan then at the castle. "You're the Goblin King?"

"Am I not vearing ze ridiculously tight trousers and loose shirt?"

"Good point." She turned round and kicked Logan, hard. "Much better, ok, so how are we to get to the castle?"

The blue mutant grinned. "You're idea vas good, it doesn't break ze rules of ze labyrinth. Oh, and fraulein, I like ze hair like zhat." He winked, kissed her hand and teleported away.

Evan folded his arms. "It's not fair, why does he get to be Goblin King?"

"Because he's gorgeous?"

"Oh."

-----------------------

Scott stopped in his tracks and looked behind him, did the wall just move? Sure that he was paranoid, he stepped forward and smashed his face against a wall that had not been there a moment ago.

"Ow."

Cyclops looked over at Lance-Goblin who cackled at him. "What do you want?"

"Why are you wearing that ridiculous outfit?"

He looked at his spandex costume. "It's what I wear for battle."

"Are you fighting? Because I'd like a good fight!" He lunged for Scott but was knocked over easily since he was barely knee high in height.

"I don't have time for this!"

"Yes you do!" The goblin concentrated and the ground started to move, the walls crumbling as a rupture split the earth. A large rock landed on the goblin.

"That was a little bit of an anticlimax." Scott walked past the boulder and onto the clear path that led straight to the castle.

-----------------------

There wasn't much time left and the professor was well aware of this, and his empty stomach, as he tried to wade his way in a wheelchair through some swamp that had appeared from somewhere. He had long since reasoned that this dimension was highly unstable and that's why nothing made sense.

The professor sighed as the wheel of his wheelchair got stuck, again, and Ororo had to push him along, again, so that they could keep going. He kept waiting for Jean to actually think of using her telekinesis but it was failing somewhat. Before he could just go and ask her to save them all a lot of bother, there was a war cry followed by a girl with a crew cut armed with a stick.

"Oh." Kitty blushed. "Its just you guys – we thought it was the creepy things again."

"The creepy things?"

"Yeah, really tall with red hair and scrawny legs. Logan kept beheading them but they kept putting their heads back on." She shrugged. "It's safe to come out now!"

The two men both sheepishly shuffled out of hiding.

"Good." Kitty noticed that everyone was looking at her. "Yes?"

"Nothing."

The girl shrugged and started to continue trekking forward, like everyone else and found a hard time of doing so too. She stopped and raised her stick at the sound of approaching footsteps from a joining path.

Scott screamed when he saw Kitty with a crew cut jumping out in front of him. He then regained his composure enough to scowl. "Why did you do that?"

"In case you were some monster thing." There was a pause and Evan spoke first.

"Err, dude, why are you wearing that?"

Cyclops blushed and mumbled something about battle stations before self consciously moving on along the path. There was a sudden rush of feet and they were surrounded by the 'creepy things' with long scrawny legs and bright red and orange fur. They looked as if they were goblins who had been set on fire.

"What have we here?" One grinned.

"Some people! Why are you here?"

Jean took a breath. "To get to the castle to save my cousin from the Goblin King."

"Kurt will take better care of him than you did." Kitty growled before glaring at the things. "Just get out of my way, now!"

"Oh, we don't have any problem with that – we don't have any problems at all!"

The leader scare crow like goblin laughed as he took his head off.

"Don't have no problems

No problems (they echoed)

Aint got no suitcase

No suitcase (again, they echoed)

Aint got no clothes to worry about

Aint got no real estate

Or jewellery or gold mines to hang me up

I just throw in my hand

Throw in his hand (echoed)

With the chilliest bunch in the land!"

They continued their awful singing in their slow lazy drawls and kept throwing about their heads and limbs before trying to pull off Logan's head.

His solution was to chop off a few arms then rip off all their heads and throw them into the water with a ferocious snarl. He turned to see that Kitty had successfully dissembled twice his number and so scowled.

She smiled sweetly. "Anything the matter?"

"No."

"Hey look – it's the wall to the path to the castle!"

Everyone looked at Jean. Ororo this time decided to ask. "Child, how do you know that?"

"Err, I read the goblins mind?"

There was a loud groan followed by several 'couldn't you have done that before'. She had the decency to at least blush.

----------------------

Kurt laughed in triumph as they managed to clamour onto the pathway that was a five minute walk to his unguarded front door. The only thing was, they could stand on the clearly marked pits concealed poorly by the remaining members of the Brotherhood of Goblins.

He watched, horrified, as they fell through the traps and down the chutes into the bog of eternal stench. How could they have fallen for that! He sighed and walked over to the nearest goblin which he then proceeded to throw out the window before picking up the cousin.

"Vell, lets hope you don't get any of ze genes on Jeans side of ze family."

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The stink was overpowering, it was, it was indescribably bad. The bogs water popped and bubbled with an audible farting noise only adding to the stench which they were all currently trying not to breathe in.

Ororo looked around her and noticed that there was a bridge spanning the bog which led to another wall. After pointing this out, they made their way there only to be confronted by a guard.

This guard was maybe half knee height, had a huge white moustache and white tousled hair under a smart blue admirals cap. He was armed with a sword and boots and a menacing glint in one eye. "Halt! You are not allowed to cross this bridge!"

Everyone looked at the guard then at each other then back at the guard. They all burst out laughing uncontrollably before just walking past.

"I said halt!" The small dog like creature lunged forward and sunk his teeth into Logan who snarled and spun round, successfully knocking over half his team mates before going down in a heap with the guard standing on his chest victorious.

"Anyone else? I thought not! Now back!"

Evan grew a spike and flung it at the guard who moved with lightning speed and kicked the mutant in the back of the knee before reappearing to one side.

"No one can cross this bridge without permission."

There was a pause and then Cyclops let loose with his laser eye beams, sending the guard flying and the bridge crumbling into the swamp. Everyone glared at him.

"Well, I think I'd best inform you that if you step into that water you'll forever smell as bad as this, only I personally think it smells like roses, and also, if you had asked my permission, you could have crossed the bridge."

Everyone continued to glare at Scott who was burning a red that matched his ruby quartz visor. "Ok, I goofed up."

He was given the silent treatment as everyone turned away. The professor spoke first. "Do you think Storm that you could fly us across? Or Jean, perhaps lift us across?"

"Charles that would be an incredible feat for anyone."

"Even you?"

"Even – well, yes, even me." She shook her head. "Perhaps we could move some branches and form a crude bridge."

"It might not hold though."

"We could get Scott to test it." Kitty volunteered.

"It's a plan."

-----------------------

From high in his castle tower, Kurt watched in hysterics as the X-men tried to build a bridge stable enough for it to stay up. Why they couldn't use the bridge a few feet downstream was beyond him but still, it was hilarious.

The blue mutant turned to the goblin that was looking nervous as he held a tray by his side. "Ja, goblin?"

"I have brought the things you requested, lord."

"Good, now go and do what goblins do." Kurt opened up the platter and took out the glass of cola and ice which he sipped leisurely. The box of chocolates was then opened and he settled down for a comfortable wait as the goblins started to dance and sing again.