Asuka thinks about how she truly feels for Shinji.
A.N: This just came from nowhere… .
Disclaimer: All rights belong to the owners, representatives and companies, none of which includes me. Actually they can keep it, cos I sure as hell don't want it. I can't take care of myself, much less a show like Neon Genesis Evangelion. I just wrote this crap.
The Other Side of the Scale
The pain hurt her. Of course that was what pain was supposed to do, why else call it that? Somehow through, this pain managed to hurt her deep within, within the place she tried to hide from. Why was it all deep pain, always gathered together? There was so much in her life, so much she tried to keep bury. Usually she had to remind herself that she was best, smartest, more beautiful then anyone, a leader, best Evangelion pilot. This shook everything she had done. It didn't matter anymore whether she was admired by all, feared, loved by anyone else…but him. It seemed to be only a small thing; it would have been before, only now…it seemed to matter more then anything else. What was she to do? Everyone thought she either hated him or thought him as a meddlesome brother. In fact until about an hour ago, she would have agreed. She did hate him. Had she perhaps misconstrued that feeling of hate and it was actually on the other side of the scale? Could that be why it had effected her so? That this feeling was actually a burning great wildfire of love? Quite past desire, quite past anything else but that all consuming feeling?
She stared to cry. She didn't want this; she didn't need it, especially from that pathetic, weak…beautiful creature. How could such a small thing as seeing with another person, not even touching each other brought so much hardship? It didn't even make sense to her. The girl with him wasn't even smiling, she was glaring at him. Could it be some whack form of jealousy? Then again what other reason would she have to be jealous? Asuka threw up her hands in defeat, as she placed her elbows on the kitchen table, then placing her chin inside them, tears trickling down her arm.
'Why?…why now? Why HIM?' She silently asked herself. She was glad no one was home. Not even Pen Pen could be found. Where he was didn't matter to her through, her thoughts taking top priority. She found them disturbing, yet somehow thought of him made her feel calmer deep inside. Maybe that was what scared her most?
She dreaded that he might come home soon, see her in this state. She didn't want to be near him, if not totally sure of what was going on. She shook her head. That was almost as big a lie as her life. She liked being the 'calm and controlled', ruler of the two. It had always made her feel better that she was superior to him. If he walked in now…he would see past the facade…he would know how weak she truly was inside and she might express this feeling. Something she didn't want. After all, he was a weak, pathetic…and in control of her. Under no circumstances could she let him know that. She was the higher of the two and it wold be kept that way. The world might fall apart without that.
'But I might fall apart…if I can't keep this up…' Asuka sighed miserably. She wished that he would come in, and say he felt the same way, wrap his arms around her…
'NO! I have to stop thinking this way! It's not right! I don't want to love him!' with that she slumped her chin hard onto the counter. It hurt, sure, but not as much as getting her arm twisted by some Angel or… the torment her heart was still seeping into her.
This was way too much for her to handle. She wished she could talk to someone, even the 'emotionless doll' or Misato would have done, but her already damaged pride would have it not. She would have to bear and swiftly eradicate it asap.
'That sounds sensible enough…I can do that can't I? I don't have to tell anyone.' She mused.
"Yeah, that's it! I'll act completely normal!" She said getting up and rubbing her chin.
"He'll never know, who says he has too? I don't think he'll be very pleased even if I did tell him. We'd just end up fighting a fight I'd win!"
'Sure. By hitting him square on the nose.' Asuka laughed at her thoughts as she cleared away remnants of her tears. It was going to be all right. This feeling would be gone by tomorrow, right?
A sound distracted her as she walked out of the bathroom. It took all she had to not turn around and hide back in the bathroom
"Misato? Asuka? You guys around? I brought Pen Pen back…Oh, hey there Asuka" Shinji said catching site of her in the hallway across from the door. She saw Pen Pen run to his refrigerator.
'Can I run in there with you?'
Biting her lip she walked up to him.
"You look like you're in a good mood. What'cha do? Fall into a lake?" She could hear her own voice quivering.
'Don't do it. What good will it do?' she thought as she saw Shinji's face drop. Her heart dropped along with it.
"…no…" he answered shortly. Asuka gave him a sly smile.
"Why don't you try it? I suppose that would be fun for you"
'I love you' The thought broke her resistance.
"Man, I hate you!" she cried pathetically, all hope crumbling. Any moment now and he would know her secret.
'I have to go!' and with that she turned on her heel and headed out of the room.
'If my feelings are truly on the other side of the scale, I guess that's where they'll stay. Not much I can do. I just hope, deep inside, he knows I'm loving him from afar'
Personally, I think that sucked. Now it's your turn. REVIEW!!!!!!
… # Rei Ant # …