Xmas FarScape Style

by claudiasharon

Crichton introduces the crew to Christmas in his own special way.

X-mas Farscape Style

By: Claudia Sharon

Disclaimer: Farscape and its characters are owned by Jim Henson, The Hallmark Network, and the Sci-Fi Channel.

Rated: PG. Maybe a little hinted to-wards J&A, but who isn't doing that nowadays?

Category: This is a holiday humour fan fiction.

Spoilers: Well, none really. They happen with the whole crew, except Zhaan is not ill, and Sikozu is not in it. Also, Crais has become a comrade, so he pops up too. So, somewhat in between the episode Self-Inflicted Wounds to Different Destinations.

Summary: Crichton introduces the crew to Christmas in his own special way.

Archiving: Any other place, ask me first. Thanks!

Chiana slowly turns the corridor. She stalks and prances around like a young pussycat. She purrs softly, careful not to make any loud sound. She rounds another corridor, tier 8. 'Ah, no one is doing anything fun around here. It's so frelling boring.' She thinks to herself as she sighs. Suddenly, everything stood silent. Moya's systems were at a halt, not a creature was stirring, not even Rygel. Chiana rounded a corner and almost jumped a metra as she ran into Jool. Jool started screaming like a banshee, so Chiana took her hands over her ears to try to drown out the noise.

Chiana yells, "Shut the frell up, Jool! It's just me, Chiana!"

Jool stops screaming and blushes. "Oh, sorry." (She rolls her eyes) "You scared the frell out of me."

Chiana replies to her eye rolling gesture snotty-like, "Ya, I can tell. So, what the frell are you doing up so late? Find anything interesting to do around here?"

Jool looks at her crossly and replies in the same manner as her, "Well, I could ask you the same thing, trelk." Chiana glares at her, her eyes beating down into Jool's. "Alright, fine." She looks at her defeated. "I am bored. Bored to death. So frelling bored. There is not anything to do on this frelling ship." She continues, whining, "And my quarters are so boring, too!"

Chiana, rolling her eyes "Well, your quarters are not for entertainment purposes. They're for sleeping and body hygiene."

Jool, in her normal snotty tone "I know that. But, the problem is, well...." She sighs and then starts to whine again to Chiana. "We don't have any entertainment at all. We need to find one. Something. Anything. Like a game, or a place, or some dren like that. You know what I mean?"

Chiana smiles at the idea. "Yes. I actually do, Jool. Hmm..." She comms Pilot. "Pilot, Hey there. Are there any places or commerce planets around here to have a little fun on?"

Pilot, sighs "Yes, Chiana. There is a small commerce planet. That is all that my scans have found."

Jool, whining again, "Frell. Isn't there anyplace else? Like a club or something of that nature? I don't want to go to a boring old commerce planet. They do not have anything fun there."

Pilot, annoyed at Jool now, "No, Jool. Just a commerce planet. Sorry." He temporarily disables his comms with Jool.

Chiana, sensing Pilot's anger, "Okay, thank you Pilot."

Jool whines, "Now what are we going to do?"

Chiana replies, "Well, let's go down to the commerce planet to buy something to do."

John rounds the corner to where Chiana and Jool are chatting. They turn around and look at him innocently. Chiana grins at John as he grabs for his head.

John surprised, "What? What? Is my Santa hat still on?"

Jool confused, "Your what? Your mante hat?"

Chiana confused, "Why the frell would you want a mante on your head? Those can bite hard!"

John confused, "Mante? Uh. Right. Never mind."

Jool smirks, "Where are you going, John?"

John smiles devilishly, "I'm decorating Moya!"

Chiana confused, "What? Uh, with what? And why would you do that John?"

John singing, "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, had a very shiny nose....And if you've ever saw it, you would even say it glows..."

Jool stares at him perplexed. "What the frell?"

Chiana "Who the yotz is Runlofe?"

John annoyed, "Its Rudolph! And he's a reindeer. He flies Santa's sleigh. He's got a red nose. Come on, get in the holiday spirit!" John puts some garland around Jool's neck and some tinsel around Chiana's.

John smiling satisfied with his work of art. "There we go. Now you're in the Christmas spirit." John walks away prancing and continues to hum the tune of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, while Chiana and Jool look at each other confused. They give in and start to play with their little decorations John had given them, smelling, tasting, and even eating pieces of it.

A few microts later, Aeryn walks by Chiana and Jool, with an angry look on her face. She glances at the two of them playing with their garland and tinsel and acting very juvenile.

Aeryn angry and annoyed, "What the frell are you two doing?"

Chiana laughing, "Playing with this dren John gave us. Woh, Aeryn. What the frell happened to you?"

Jool laughing with Chiana, "Yeah, You look like someone ran you over with a make up kit!"

Aeryn mutters under her breath, "Look who's talking." She looks at Jool square in the eyes, and then glances at Chiana. She responds sarcastically, "Ha, ha very funny. John came over to me singing some stupid human song while doing an irritating human dance. Then he promised me that he'd give me something I had always wanted, if I had closed my eyes."

Chiana looks at Aeryn amused. "And you listened to him?"

Aeryn still very angry, "I thought he would actually give me a brand new pulse pistol! Instead he put this dren on me. That frelling bastard." She wipes off some of the red makeup that forms a dot on the tip of her nose. "He then told me I looked like someone called Runlofe, whoever the frell that is. He left me, singing his stupid human song and calling me Peacekeeper Runlofe girl."

Chiana trying to stifle her giggles, "Hey, didn't he say something like that to us? He sang that song and how that guy glowed, with his red nose."

Aeryn pissed off even more with embarrassment, "He's been acting all crazy ever since we left that last commerce planet."

Jool confused, "So what the frell is wrong with him? I will never understand these humans."

Aeryn angrily, "Well I don't know. But I am going to go to my quarters to wash this disgusting dren off of my face. You two can figure this one out."

Aeryn struts off doing her Peacekeeper strut. She walks to her quarters and starts to scrub the red makeup off of her delicate nose with a soft cloth. Jool and Chiana turn to look at each other and giggle, actually getting along. They continue to play with their little presents John gave them.

John walks into the Galley and sees Rygel stuffing his face. Rygel looks up at John, infuriated, but continues to stuff his face with Hynerian marjools. John opens the refrigeration unit and starts randomly taking food out. He sets the items on the counter and starts to make a meal that looks partially human. Rygel looks at him oddly, but continues to stuff his mouth.

Rygel stares at John confused, "What the yotz are you doing Crichton? Don't you know that food will spoil? What the hezmana is wrong with you?"

John, eating something that relatively looks like a carrot, "No, it won't. I have to get started early on making dinner so we'll have time to sing songs, and then open all the presents!"

Rygel looks at him even more confused than he was before, yet happy that he'd not have to wait for someone to prepare a meal for him. "Ah, that's what I like. Will dinner be ready early then? I'm starved!"

John laughs, "No, Sparky. I'm starting early, but it'll be ready the same time as always. I'm just making a lot of food so we can have a big Christmas dinner!!"

Rygel looks at him sadly and very confused. "Ah. Yotz. Wait, a what kind of dinner?"

John smiles, "Christmas! It's Christmas Eve today! Tomorrow's Christmas Day!"

Rygel glares at Crichton even more confused than before, but a little amused by the odd way he had been acting lately. "Crichton, may I ask you, what the yotz is a Christmas?"

John happily, "It's a holiday on Earth. The best of them all!"

Rygel ponders, "Hmm... What do you do for this mass?"

John grins at the opportunity to explain his insane actions. "For Christmas, we make a big meal, exchange presents, get together with our families, have large breakfasts, an early dinner, and watch the football game. My favorite part of Christmas is the football game!"

Rygel "What is this hootball?"

John acts surprised that Rygel does not know what football is. "Football? You don't know what football is? Sports Sparky, sports! There is tackling and hiking!"

Rygel slowly understanding him, "Ah ha. Football. It is a game then? Sort of like Tadek?"

John "Well, Tadek is harder and like chess or checkers, but football is running around, throwing a ball, hiking, tackling, punting, yards, and it's got pigskin."

Rygel getting annoyed with this incessant rambling, he cuts John off with an "I get the idea!" and he glares at John for a microt.

John looking hurt responds empathetically, "Sorry!"

Rygel looks at him annoyed. "Well, you should be. I'm hungry. Leave me alone so I may eat in peace."

John, defensively, "Alright, alright. I'll leave you and your food alone." John leaves to go wreak havoc on the rest of the crew, while Rygel resumes stuffing his face.

Zhaan walks into Aeryn as they both turn the corner. Aeryn looks at Zhaan wide-eyed and confused. She stops in her tracks and stares at the angry Delvian.

Aeryn confused, "What the frell happened to you, Zhaan?"

Zhaan angrily, "John ran into me and tied this onto my head." She tries to unfasten the bow that is wrapped around her like she is a present.

Chiana's jaw drops as she stares wide eyed at Zhaan. "Ya, he ran into us too, and wrapped this dren around me and Jool."

Jool stifles a laugh. "Ya, and Aeryn had a red mark on her nose from John."

Aeryn glares at them in embarrassment. "You two had some green and gray dren on you!"

Chiana, holding up the tinsel and garland, looks at Aeryn surprised. "Yeah, this stuff. I just said that."

Aeryn looks at them angrily. "Yeah, whatever." She rolls her eyes at Chiana.

Jool, not paying much attention to Aeryn's PMS-like state says happily, "It is so much fun to play with!" She takes the garland out of Chiana's hands and wraps it around her soft, tanned face.

Zhaan finally gets the bow unfastened from her head. "Alright, we have to find him and stop him before he drives the rest of the crew farhbot."

The four women all nod their heads in agreement. They start checking every corridor and every tier until they appear in the Galley, where Rygel is still stuffing his face.

Rygel, again annoyed for having his meal interrupted stares at the four and asks, "What the frell do you four want? Can I not just have one meal in peace?"

Aeryn ignores his comment and asks, "Has John been by here yet?"

Jool playing with her garland, "Ya he's been acting really strange lately."

Rygel annoyed, "Yeah. He told me he is celebrating an Earth tradition. He did come by acting all human-like, so I kicked him out. It was very odd, even for Crichton."

Zhaan, holding the bow in her hands, "Well, where did he run off to?"

Chiana hoping that Crichton has more stuff for them to play with says, "We're trying to find him before he hurts someone!"

Rygel very annoyed, "I don't know. I don't care. I just want to eat."

Aeryn obviously sick of this says, "Fine. We will split up and search the rest of the ship.
As they leave, Pilot appears on the clamshell, very confused, with an angel-like figure on top of his head and Christmas-looking lights wrapped around his body.

Pilot on the clamshell, "Can anybody help me? Crichton's gone mad!"

Chiana's jaw drops again and smirks at Pilot. "I could have told you that."

Rygel looks at Pilot and starts chortling at him. "Pilot! What the frell?"

Aeryn tries to stifle a laugh. "Pilot, is Crichton still down there with you?"

Pilot agitated. "Yes, he's getting some long green rope type thing."

Chiana says proudly, "Oh, I have one of those, see?" She holds up her garland to the clamshell as Pilot stares at her dumbfounded.

Pilot confused, "Is this some earth thing or something? A disease perhaps?"

Rygel tries to control his laughter. "Yes, Crichton was telling me it was a sort of holiday, I believe called Chriestmas."

John shows up on the screen. "Christmas, Sparky. It is called Christmas."

Pilot worried "John, would you be so kind to calm down for us all."

John "Oh, you are the perfect shape for the Christmas tree! Come on! Celebrate!"

Pilot's screen fades and then their image disappears completely from the view screen. Rygel looks at everyone's dazed expressions and bursts out laughing.

Aeryn "we have to get down there. Crichton has gone mad!"

Zhaan "Apparently John's feelings and traditions from Erp were brought here, and now he is homesick, missing this holiday, as Rygel called it, which seems, in turn, to affect us."

Jool stares at Zhaan as she rambles on about Crichton's problems. Chiana cuts Zhaan off, getting sick of her ramblings. "So much that we."

Aeryn decides that it has been long enough, and she doesn't want to hear any more of this. She cuts Chiana off with an angry glare at her. "We don't have much time to waste. Let's go. Now." She commands them.

Chiana glares back at Aeryn. "Right. Thanks, Aeryn."

Zhaan, Aeryn, Chiana, and Jool all head over to Pilot's den to stop the madness. Rygel remains in the Galley laughing his arse off at the crew's hilarity.

When they arrive into Pilot's den, they all see Pilot's confused expression on his face with garland and tinsel wrapped around his body. John is singing "Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree" while decorating him.

Pilot whispers in a small voice "Help, me. Please."

Aeryn walks up to John and taps his shoulder. In a child-like voice she asks him "Oh Johnny? May I have a word with you?"

John preoccupied "In a microt babe." He puts the finishing touches on his 'Pilot Christmas tree" and follows Aeryn away from the rest of the crew into a corner. Everyone else stats to 'undress' the 'Pilot tree'.

John "Okay Aeryn. Shoot."

Aeryn confused "John, I don't want to shoot you. I need to have a serious discussion about your Erp homesickness.

John rolls his eyes. "Right. Okay Aeryn. Go on."

Aeryn takes a deep breath. "Well, everyone else is as homesick as you are, but we are being rational about it. You, however, are acting insane. You need to control your creative urges and talk to someone about it. We would be willing to listen, if you gave us the chance."

John, confused starts to act silly again. "What, Am I acting irrational to you? Well, forgive me for my Christmas spirit, Scrooge. Humbug. Lump of coal for you little lady!"

Aeryn rolls her eyes and places a firm hand on his shoulder. "John, listen to what I am saying. You need to learn to control yourself. If you wanted to celebrate this important holiday, you could of just asked us. We would have been perfectly happy to share this day with you and learn more about your Erp cultures. But instead, you tortured and 'dressed up' your crewmates. We do not appreciate this kind of treatment."

John looks at her seriously, realizing how moronic he had been acting. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe I should've talked to you about it."

Aeryn removes her hand from his shoulder. "Yes, you should have. Now, will you help us clean up the rest of the mess you had made? We can celebrate Christmas, but this time in a rational and sane way."

John smiles at her. "Sure I will."

John walks back over to Pilot and the rest of the crew to apologize to them and help clean up his mess. Aeryn joins them as they walk around Moya cleaning her up.

D'Argo and Crais arrive in one of Moya's pods. Once they leave the docking bay, the search the ship to find the rest of the crew. They arrive in the Galley with handfuls of gifts for the crew. The set their things down once they see the crew in there with Pilot's face on the clamshell. They sit down and smile at their friends, as John appears with a cooked bird that relatively looks like a small turkey. He has it neatly carved and sets it down on the table next to the other foods already there. He sits down next to Aeryn and Chiana, and smiles proudly at the crew.

John "D'Argo, Crais, thank you for helping me with the gifts. While all of you were putting up with me here, they were off buying the gifts that I had requested for you. After we eat our meal, you can all open the presents. Alrighty then. Who would like to start off our meal by saying grace?"

Chiana "John, we hadn't gotten you anything!"

John smiles. "That is okay. You didn't know about this set up."

Crais smiles. "Putting up with you, Crichton and not killing you should be our gift to you."

Rygel laughs. "Yes, or the fact that we did not jettison you off into space. Though I believe Aeryn was quite ready to do so."

Aeryn looks at him and laughs. "Yes, quite ready." She winks at John and he laughs. "Yes, well thank you all for putting up with me and my Earth traditions. I hope we will always be friends, for the rest of time. Next time, I won't act so nuts, I'll just approach you all for the celebration."

D'Argo "Good call. I hope we will always be able to tolerate each other." He pats John on the back.

Jool "Especially John. He is the hardest to tolerate out of us all."

Pilot laughs. "I am in agreement with that!"

John "Hey! Very funny."

Rygel impatiently complains "Alright! Yes, yes. It is all nice and good now, let's eat!"

John winks at Rygel. "Alright! Amen. Grace. Go for it everyone and dig in! Eat!"

Everyone starts passing the food around the table and eats. They talk about the crazy day John had to put them through and how lucky he was that Aeryn did not finally jettison him out into space.

Later after they had eaten dinner and cleaned up the mess, the crew joins each other in Pilot's den to open presents. John takes out two presents that were hidden in his room and hands them to D'Argo and Crais. Everyone else already has their gift in hand; ready to open them to see what is inside. Finally, John nods his head and everyone tears into their gifts to find out what they had gotten. Aeryn looks at her brand new pulse rifle, as long as her two arms in length. She giggles with glee loudly, and when everyone looks at her she blushes and continues messing with the rifle. D'Argo opens his gift to find some fluid to run his Qualta Blade when it is turned into a gun, and a cover for it when he is not using it. He pats John on the back thanking him, and starts charging his blade. Jool starts screaming loudly as she smiles and holds up her brand new leather corset. She gleams with joy, runs up to John and hugs him to death, while still screaming. She walks back happily to her room to try on her new outfit. Pilot looks at his present to see a picture of him and the crew taken a few cycles ago. It is framed and nicely decorated with a material that looks like the interior of Moya. He smiles and humbly thanks John or the kind gift. John hands Pilot Moya's gift, which is a picture of baby Talyn, her son. Pilot hangs up their gifts and after thanking John again, he explains to Moya what his day was like and why she got a present. Zhaan looks at her gift and sees a box containing new herbs and various plant species from the many planets they had been to. After she thanks John, over 700 times, she walks off to the Apocathary to organize her new herbs and plants. Crais looks at his gift, which is a new ponytail holder that accessorizes with all types of black Peacekeeper clothing. Crais thanks John, and leaves to show Talyn the present John had gotten him, which is a picture of his mother, Moya. Rygel stares at his gift, a new septar with a gem that looks real. He proudly holds it in his hand, and starts parading it around the ship after briefly thanking John. Chiana looks in tears at her new go-go outfit. She runs up and jumps on John, hugging him and kissing him all over. She jumps down and runs to her quarters to try it on. John heads off to his quarters, smiling happily for his first successful Christmas on Moya, hoping there will be many more like this one.

Early the next day, the crew takes two pods down onto the near-by planet in search for the perfect gift for Crichton. They find a suitable gift and by the time they have arrived back to Moya, John is just getting up out of his bed. The crew greets him in his quarters, and hand him his gift. He looks at them groggily, and opens it. He sees a hand-painted picture of the whole crew together with Pilot and Moya, and under it a boom box that plays music (Uncharted Territory style). He hops out of bed and thanks them all by hugging them. He cries with joy, thinking to himself that this is one of their good days. One of their very good days.