Chapter 2:

Written in the eyes of Clef Brannon, TV show host and secret spy.

Frodo Pippin Merry Legolas

It had all fallen into place. Merry had been having an affair with pretty Legolas and that nobody Frodo. Pippin the pervert tweaked his diamante shoelaces nervously – the very same diamante shoelaces Merry had bought him at the fair.

Merry seated his attractive tartan rear next to Pippin the pervert and began bathing his feet in the clear shark infested river. He sidled closer and closer until he was practically sprawled over Pippin's head. Pippin the Pervert licked Merry's eyeball whilst Barry the Nazgul flew past headed for the hills.

"Merry, darling," he began, his hormonal voice breaking, "those tartan trousers are positively to die for. Could I share them? Or just remove them completely?"

Merry looked surprised, but soon regained his senses and saucily winked at Pippin the pervert. Pippin grinned and began his business in the romantic grass by the riverside. However, the grass chafed and was making fun of them, and besides, wasn't Merry cheating on him? "Merry," he quivered, "aren't you cheating on me?"

Merry looked uncomfortable and tried to continue snogging Pippin's face off. Pippin pulled away and pulled up his baggy trousers.

A tear rolled down Pippin's cheek.

"Merry, we can't go on like this. You don't treat me right. I feel so... ALONE." He lovingly pinched Merry's thigh.

Just then, he heard a feminine screech and a smell of loreal. He turned around to find the face of Maybelline New York staring at him. It was pretty Legolas. It seemed he had burnt his hand whilst straightening his locks and wanted someone to kiss him better. He puckered up nauseatingly. Merry looked at Legolas and suddenly leapt on him without warning. Pippin watched on as Merry and Legolas were rolling on the grassy floor being obscene.

Pippin the pervert ran as fast as his stubby legs could carry him, screaming, weeping and singing a song about leprechauns.

Suddenly, a floating gherkin wafted past Pippin's nose. "The shadows of the realm weep no diamante rings". How will this tale end? Who knows? Will it ever end? Find out in the next crappy chapter of Lord of the sellotape. I'm Clef Brannon, and you've been great!

Cheesy drumroll