These Things Happen, Except When They Don't
"Hello, can I get a room?" The receptionist was caught off guard for a moment, then composed herself quickly. "Of course, Mr.Depp," she said in a friendly tone. "Would you like your usual room, or something else?" Johnny smiled. "I feel like a change," he said. "Got anything around back, like room two oh four, perhaps?" "I'll check," said the lady at the desk. She typed for a moment. "Certainly, sir. Room two zero four is all yours." She handed him the key with a smile. "Enjoy your stay!"
Johnny smiled to himself as he walked away. Everything was perfect; everyone thought he was Johnny Depp (which he was), he got the room with the entrance to the vault in it, and he carried his arms and armor in a duffel bag right with him without anyone being suspicious. Unless somebody found out Johnny Depp was somewhere else. That could complicate things. All the more reason to be fast, he thought to himself. He opened the door and locked the door behind him. Unzipping the duffel bag on the bed, he quickly suited up and collected his weapons and containment device for the element.
Now all he had to do was find the entrance. Johnny looked at the scans. A hatchway was hidden under the floor. But how to open it? He wondered a while. He would have to take a scan of technology on the door and in the room to see what would trigger the door. Setting up the scanner on the floor, Johnny selected the appropriate mode. This scanner was large and stood on tripod legs, and although it was less portable than the handheld version, it could perform more accurate, detailed scans within a larger range. The device mounted on the tripod began to rotate. Johnny sat on the bed to wait. He idly wondered what Ranma was doing now. Johnny felt a pang of sadness fill his heart. He knew that all too soon he would have to leave these people, these people whom he had grown to love so much. How could he be expected to leave? If only there could be two of him. Two of him.... Two of him....
Something tickled the back of Johnny's mind, something excited telling him wonderful news with the knowledge it possessed. What was it?! Johnny could not seem to get a hold of the thought that nagged at his mind. He would have to figure out what it was later. His scans were done.
"Hey, you see Idol last night?" asked Rob. "Nah," said Jerry. "I don't like that show. What about-" he never finished that sentence. The knockout dart in his neck would render him unconscious and give him a short term memory loss. "Geez, this is easier than I thought," muttered Johnny to himself. Once he had figured out all you had to do was pull on the bottle of expired prune juice in the back of the fridge to open the door, Johnny had walked right in and taken down every guard without a fight. As he approached the containment field, Johnny pulled out his container and turned it on. The vacuum it created pulled in the element and stored it safely. Johnny turned to leave. As he reached to open the door back to the lodge, something smacked his arm. "I spoke too soon," said Johnny with a grin. There, standing in front of him was a good old fashioned well built security droid. "This will be interesting," said Johnny.
He rolled to the right, setting the container on the ground and taking out his shotgun. One of the droid's many weapons, an auto cannon, focused on him. One shot knocked it aside and a second destroyed it. The droid turned to face him. Standing at fifteen feet tall, with a rocket launcher and flamethrower on one arm, a massive chain gun on the other, shoulder mounted plasma cannons, a large array of self target-acquiring machine guns, and spring loaded legs that could shake the groud as forcefully as an earthquake it made quite a intimidating foe. To most people. Code named "Bruiser", it was one of the military's best weapon and best kept secret.
Bruiser fired a stream of burning napalm. Johnny dodged the flames and unclipped a grenade from his belt. The stream stopped. With amazing precision Johnny hurled the grenade into the flamethrower nozzle. Bruiser fired, detonating the grenade inside itself. The nozzle burst and flaming liquid splashed onto the walls. The eruption exploded Bruiser's rockets, fully destroying his right arm. Firey blood flowed from Bruiser's open wound. His right arm useless, he raised his left arm. The minigun on his arm (though there was nothing mini about it) started to spin, gaining speed. At top speed the bullets tore from it and hammered the walls as Johnny ducked and dodged the huge shells aimed at him. He could not hope to destroy the gun, so he focuse on destroying his other implements until he ran out of ammunition. As he rolled and avoided the bullets screaming around him, he methodically shot and disabled his auto cannons. Johnny put away his guns and took out two plasma grenades. With the same astonishing precision, Johnny chucked the two grenades into the focusing cone on the plasma cannons. Without hesitation Bruisers ejected them backwards, accepting there was nothing he could do. They exploded in the distance, an intense blue fire.
Johnny had counted on the Bruiser having a recurrent critical design flaw, and it had payed off. The Bruiser, while boasting an impressive amount of firepower and excellent aim at stationary and, to an extent, moving targets, and also the ability to recognize many combat situations and adapt, it often fell short in one important and infuriating way. It would not use more than one weapon at a time. Unless commanded to, the Bruisers with the problem would only use one weapon at a time. The scientists had figured out part of the case, but could not explain all. The Bruiser kept tally of targets destroyed and with what weapon. If for some reason it just so happened that a majority of targets had been eliminated with a particular weapon, the Bruiser would reason that if it devoted all its weapons usage to this one weapon, it would destroy more targets than before. This seemed logical, and it explained some cases, but not all. Sometimes it would occur in just one skirmish that the Bruiser would only use one at a time, or even just while testing. In some cases it seemed as though the Bruiser just had gotten a favorite gun that it wanted to use all the time. These flaws also meant that he Bruisers would not adapt to their situation. If it used one gun all the time and the rest were destroyed, when its weapon's ammuniton ran out, it had no weapons to resort to and was destroyed easily. Johnny had hoped that this one was afflicted, and he was right. The gun stopped firing and it slowed down to a halt. And then it began to jump.
Johnny timed the jump and jumped himself as he shock wave passed under him. Johnny unclipped his last two grenades. This had better work, he thought fervently. Its legs contracted. Johnny pulled the pins. It sprung straight into the air. Johnny slid the grenades on the ground. They skittered across the floor. The Brusier began to fall. The grenades stopped under Bruiser's shadow. He struck the floor, or rather the grenades on top of the floor. The explosions rocked the machine, and for a eternity it wavered. Finally, it lost its balance and hit the floor with a reverberating boom. Johnny walked cautiously over to its head. The maintenance panels had come off. Johnny found its CPU, pressed the barrel of his gun against it, and squeezed the trigger. Its ever vigilant eye grew dim, and the machine relaxed. Johnny sighed in relief, and tried to wipe the sweat from his brow. His hand hit his helmet. "Arrgh!" he yelled, and ran up to his room.
Akane walked into the living room and shut the door. She was home first; she always was. She dashed to her room and slammed the door. She locked the door, heart pounding. She had held it off for weeks. She couldn't resist now. She turned her radio on loud. She walked over to her dresser and opened it with trembling hands.
Ranma awoke to blaring rock music. He sat up in his bed and listened. It was coming from Akane's room. That puzzled him. Akane never listened to rock, especially not Metallica, ever before. Was it on to mask something else? Grabbing a glass, he tiptoed up the stairs and listened through the door. At first all he could hear was the radio. As his ears adjusted, he tuned out the music and strained his ears. The only thing he heard was Akane. "Oh, Ranma..." she said, and then she moaned softly. The glass shattered in his hand. Holy shit, thought Ranma. His heart thumped as the thought of Akane entered his mind; she lay on her bed, eyes closed and leaking tears of pleasure, and she cryed out Ranma's name as she imagined his naked body while she...He fainted.
Which is how Akane found him ten minutes later, unconscious outside her door on a pile of broken glass. She stared down at him. Ranma fainted, and broken glass? Shit, she thought. She slammed the door and sat down on her bed. Her heart pounded as she realized Ranma had been listening to her while she was....She fainted.
Which is how Nabiki found them, fainted on either side of the door, Ranma on top of a pile of glass and Akane on top of her sweat covered bed. Examining the evidence, Nabiki realized that Ranma had been listening to Akane and fainted and then Akane found him and fainted when she realized he realized she had been....She fainted.
Which is how Kasumi found them, Nabiki lying in the hallway, Ranma in front of Akane's door on top of a pile of glass and Akane in her room on her sweaty bed. She looked at the clues and determined Nabiki had fainted when she discovered Akane had fainted when she saw Ranma fainted outside her door on a pile of glass and realized he knew she had been....She fainted.
Which is how Soun and Genma found them, Kasumi lying on the stairs, Nabiki in the hallway, Ranma in front of Akane's door on a pile of glass, and Akane in her room on her sweaty bed. Piecing together the loose ends, Soun and Genma found that Kasumi and Nabiki had fainted when they saw Ranma fainted outside Akane's door and that Akane fainted on her sweaty bed when she realized Ranma knew she had been...They fainted.
Which is how Happosai, Ukyo, Ryoga, Pantyhose, Shampoo, Mousse, Cologne, and Kuno (who all happened to be going to the Tendo Dojo for one reason or another) found them, Soun, Genma, and Kasumi on the stairs, Nabiki in the hallway, Ranma in front of Akane's door on a pile of broken glass, and Akane in her room on her sweaty bed. From this they deduced that Soun, Genma, Kasumi, and Nabiki fainted when they saw that Ranma fainted outside Akane's door on the glass he had broken and Akane had fainted when she realized Ranma heard her and knew she had been....
They all fainted.
Which is how morning found them all, sleeping peacefully in various places on the Tendos' floor. Then they all woke up. Then Ranma fainted when he remembered what Akane had been doing, Akane fainted when she remembered he knew what she had been doing, and Soun, Genma, Kasumi, Nabiki, Happosai, Ukyo, Ryoga, Pantyhose, Shampoo, Mousse, Cologne, and Kuno remembered that Akane had been.... They all fainted. Johnny walked in the door. Utterly confused, he went up to Akane's room. There he realized they had all fainted because Akane had been....He fainted.
Akane woke up the next morning. She realized everybody she knew and probably many more she didn't all knew what she had done. Ah well, she thought. Now I don't have to explain myself or hide it. She stripped down naked. Fine with me, she thought, as she threw herself onto the bed. But only Ranma knows I was thinking about him. I just have to be more careful about what I say while I'm doing it. She suddenly realized she wasn't doing anything but the vibrator still thrusted. Oh would you look at that, the vibrator's possessed. Oh look, now the vibrator's turned into Mousse. Well, as my all too horny sister Nabiki always says, If there's a smargen of zarble ghoffen jeorbadorbady BLAH!
"GWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
Akane woke up, and so did everyone else in the house. She panted as sweat poured down her face. She thought back and realized today was Sunday. She hadn't gone to school, nobody had fainted and now the only thing wrong was Shampoo was in the bed next to her. "What wrong babe, you want more sex?" asked Shampoo.
"GWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
Akane smacked herself in the face with a telephone book. Ow, that hurt, she thought. Yes, today was Sunday, and yes, she was awake, and how did she know? Because she was sane, and because everything was normal. Well, to the usual extent. She splashed water on herself, and on Ranma, and on Genma. He turned into a girl. Genma turned into a panda. There was no one in the house except those who were supposed to be. Akane sighed, and fell onto the couch. "Um, Akane?" said Ranma. "Yes?" she asked tiredly. "Did you know you tend to dictate your dreams?" Akane froze. She turned her head towards him. "Who heard?" she asked, fire in her eyes. "Um, uh, just me," said Ranma sheepishly. "Everyone else was gone, but uh, I heard just about everything from you turning on the radio to you and Shampoo in the bed. And I have got to say, you've got some STRANGE dreams there girl. I'd see a doctor if I were you. If I were me, I wouldn't." BOOT! Ranma flew out the window. Akane grumbled as she dialed Dr.Tofu's number.