GollumRox's left eye twitched at the sight of the mess her muses were making on the floor.
"Ooo! I think I see it!" Jude called out to Ewan from the inside of the Lucky Charms box. "Keep checking the excess!"
Ewan searched through the mess of plain hard cereal bits but didn't come across anything red, or color in that nature.
"Guys…maybe you ate the last one," GollumRox offered as she watched Jude slide further into the box until only his legs were seen sticking out.
"NO! I saw it!" Jude objected desperately, shoving out another pile of cereal.
"There's none in the reject pile," Ewan confirmed.
"Just give up, guys," the author groaned.
"NEVER!" Jude screamed back. And then he paused. "I found it! Here it is! I GOT IT! Pull me out!"
Ewan grabbed Jude's feet and pulled hard, only dragging the box along with him.
"Forkie, hold onto the box," Ewan told her.
GollumRox let out another annoyed groan and held the box steady as Ewan yanked Jude out, sending more pieces of plain cereal flying every which way…which pissed off GollumRox a bit more.
Both Jude and Ewan sat on the floor, panting to catch their breaths before Jude triumphantly held up what he grasped from the box.
"THE RED BALLOON!" he announced maniacally before placing it at the end of the row of the magically delicious marshmallow pieces. "We got them all!"
They let out a squeal in delight and hugged each other.
"You guys ARE going to clean that mess up, correct?" GollumRox droned.
"Oh, yeah, yeah," Ewan answered distractedly. "Aren't you proud of us, Forkie?"
"Guys…you're in your bloody thirties and you're collecting the marshmallows from Lucky Charms! I mean, that's just low, childish and stupid! Don't you guys have lives?"
They exchanged glances.
"No," Jude said. "Why do you think we're HERE?"
"And you're talking about US being low, childish and stupid. Look at YOU, Forkie. You're writing a Drake and Josh story."
"It's a PARODY," she corrected with exasperation. "Don't have to like the show to slam it. That's the whole point of slamming."
"Bet you'd leave us for Conan if he beckoned you," Ewan grumbled.
"Wha…what does Conan have to do with anything?!"
"Oh, nothing," he continued. "You know, Conan IS Irish and I bet he loves his Lucky Charms. So if HE were doing this, you wouldn't mind in the least, would you?"
"If he weren't making a huge mess, no!"
"Oh sure. The tall gangly white guy gets away with everything."
"Shut up, guys. Just help me with this. Would you like to cameo?"
"…Are you going to kill us off again?"
"Yes."
"Okay."
And so GollumRox and her two muses wrote this craptastic parody of Drake and Josh whilst eating bits of Lucky Charms off the floor.
Drake and Josh and Their Quest to be Cool
By: GollumRox
One Saturday night, two super cool, rich, good-looking, and quite successful boys were walking down the streets of L.A. trying to look for some way to spend their millions of dollars. Finally, they decided to pick up a couple of hookers and lose their virginities in a Hilton hotel.
Across the street, Drake and Josh watched as the two kids pulled their limo up to two rather attractive prostitutes and invited them inside.
"Man…" Josh moaned as the limo drove past them, sending up a spray of muddy water and soaking them. "Why can't WE be like that?"
"Because nobody likes us," Drake answered back.
"That's not true," Josh objected. "Plenty of people like us. I mean, we have dozens of stories written about us on fanfiction. AND we have a decently successful show."
"Josh," Drake droned sardonically. "Have you forgotten we're on Nickelodeon?"
Josh lowered his head in shame.
"Let's face it," Drake sighed. "We're just a couple of burnouts. Nobody wants to watch a show about two immature kids running around pretending they're in a bunch of life-threatening situations using recycled jokes and lame dialogue. We need to DO something with our lives!"
"Like what?"
"Well…"
As Drake sat and pondered about it, the bench let out a loud creak and collapsed onto the hard sidewalk.
"Josh!" Drake yelled, jumping up from the mess.
"Hey! Don't blame me! Probably just a screw loose or something. SCREEEEWWW LOOOOOOOOSE!!!"
"Stop trying to be funny."
"Sorry."
They took one last look at the splintered wood and bent metal, demolished by Josh's obesity before they turned groggily and took an aimless walk down the sidewalk.
The sun was beginning to set on the California horizon and the night was coming alive. But Drake and Josh didn't acknowledge their parents' warnings of mercilessly beating them if they weren't home by curfew and kept walking.
"Hey," Josh suddenly said, grabbing Drake's arm and stopping. "Do you hear that?"
"Don't touch me," Drake snapped, shoving Josh's pudgy hand off his shirt and spraying the spot with Lysol. "Hear what?"
Upon the silence, they both heard a pounding bass coming from an adjacent street.
"It's music!" Josh exclaimed. "Come on!"
They hurried across the street, narrowly missed a speeding car, and headed towards the sound. When they turned a corner, they stopped and gazed at the sight they beheld.
"The Viper Room!" Josh proclaimed.
"I can read, Josh."
Sure enough, it was the famous L.A. nightclub where only the finest celebrities spent their evenings if they wanted a good time. It was HAPPENIN'!
"Wow! I can't believe we're here at the Viper Room!" Josh continued in awe. "This is where all the cool celebrities hang out!"
"Move it, dough boy!" Academy Award Nominee Ethan Hawke boomed from behind Josh and proceeded to shove him away and make his way up to the entrance of the club.
Despite what Mr. Hawke had just done, Josh grabbed Drake excitedly and said, "Dude! WE'RE celebrities! Maybe they'll let US in!"
"Don't TOUCH me!" Drake growled, shoving Josh away and spraying his shoulder with Lysol. "And are you completely insane? They won't let us in."
"Why wouldn't they? I mean, we're famous, right? We have two recognizable faces and – boom! We're in!"
Drake slid his finger across his chin as if he were actually thinking.
"It's worth a try I suppose."
"YAS!!! I LOVE YOU MAN!" Josh screamed, lunging at him for a hug.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Drake yelled and Josh froze in mid-air.
Unfortunately, Josh's weight was too much to keep him suspended in the air and he instantly fell onto the sidewalk.
Drake rolled his eyes. "Loser."
§
A few minutes later, Josh and Drake were parading up to the entrance of the club with wide, excited grins before a huge tattooed arm barricaded their path.
"What do you think you two kids are doing?" the bouncer asked them.
"We're here for the party," Drake smiled.
"Oh, no. You need to be famous celebrities to get in."
"But we ARE famous celebrities!" Josh proclaimed.
"That so? How many films have you been in?"
Drake and Josh looked at each other desperately.
"Well, uhm…" Josh began.
"We have our own TV show!" Drake cut in.
"Really. What's it called?"
"Drake and Josh."
"Never heard of it."
"It's on Nickelodeon!"
"Kids, you're holding up the line. Chuck E. Cheeses is right down the road."
"We are NOT kids!" Drake barked, pointing a defensive finger in the bouncer's face. "We happen to be perfectly mature ADULTS."
"Yeah!" Josh chimed in. "We're FIFTEEN!"
The bouncer snorted and then threw up his open hands in mock intimidation. "Ooo! Fifteen! Please forgive me, I didn't know. Please don't tell your parents on me, oh please."
"We won't if you let us in," Josh said.
About ten seconds later, the two kids were pitched onto the street.
"And STAY out!" the bouncer called out, brushing his hands together and returning to his position at the door.
"Dude," Drake said. "We've GOT to get into that club!"
"My pancreas…" Josh moaned from his tangled position on the pavement. "I need donuts."
§
Academy Award Nominee Johnny Depp strode up to the door, a wide grin on his perfect face. Probably because he knew he owned the Viper Room and was proud of it. The bouncer smiled and nodded to him.
"Evening, Mr. Depp."
"Hey, how's it going, Milt?" Johnny greeted, clamping a hand on the bouncer's shoulder.
"Not bad, Mr. Depp. Not bad at all."
"Very good. See you around, Milt," he smiled as he brushed past the bouncer and entered his club.
"Why does he always call me Milt?" the bouncer wondered out loud when two kids in drag complete with poorly applied make-up and blonde wigs approached him, smiling confidently.
"Hi! I'm Academy Award Winner Nicole Kidman!" said the shorter one in a terrible falsetto voice. "And this is my good friend Academy Award Nominee Naomi Watts!"
"We're both from Australia! G'day, mate!" the fat one squeaked.
"Go away, you guys," the bouncer droned, folding his arms in a bored fashion.
"Why? I'm an Academy Award winning actress! I'm never turned down from ANY nightclub!"
"I'm still from Australia! G'day, mate!"
"Dude, I'm not stupid. I know it's you."
"What are you talking about?! I'm Nicole Kidman!"
"And I'm from Australia! GOOD! DAY! MATE!!!"
The bouncer just rolled his eyes and snatched off the wigs. The two kids gulped and looked at each other.
"Uhm…" the shorter kid started. "We had sex changes?"
The bouncer grabbed both kids and tossed them back out onto the street. He turned to go back to the door when he heard the fat one scream after him: "THAT STILL DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I'M FROM AUSTRALIA! G'DAY, MATE!!!" And then, "Let's swing by Krispy Kreme again."
§
This time, Drake and Josh were completely confident as they followed Academy Award Winner Mel Gibson through the line.
"Good evening, Mr. Gibson," the bouncer greeted.
"Hi!" Mel chirped happily and ran inside.
"Religious prick," the bouncer grumbled under his breath, much to the author's discontent.
Drake and Josh grinned cheekily, taking a large step and confronting the bouncer.
"Don't make me call the cops," the bouncer groaned, folding his arms again.
"What are you talking about?" Josh innocently asked, holding up his disposable camera. "We're reporters for Entertainment Tonight."
Shortly thereafter, Josh, along with Drake, was thrown once again into the street where they skidded to a stop on the gravelly road.
"That's the last time I go along with one of your ideas!" Josh screamed.
"I—"
A speeding garbage truck cut short Drake's objection.
§
Josh and Drake both sighed simultaneously as they sat, slumped lazily against a building, their hands resting palms-up on the pavement. Taking a blow from a garbage truck going 55 mph takes a lot out of you.
Academy Award Loser Ewan McGregor and his buddy Academy Award Nominee Jude Law strolled merrily down the street enjoying the Los Angeles scenery but stopped upon seeing the two beat-up kids. Ewan reached into his pocket and dropped two quarters next to them.
"We are NOT hobos!" Drake barked at them.
"Oh." Ewan picked up his quarters and pocketed them.
"What are you kids doing on the street?" Jude asked them in his thick English accent. "And why does it look like a speeding garbage truck hit you?"
"Because…" Josh snarled. "A speeding garbage truck DID hit us!"
"Why are you trying to be funny?" Ewan asked.
"I keep telling him to stop," Drake groaned.
Jude nodded understandingly, something completely out of character for him, and looked up noticing a celebrity get-together at the Viper Room.
"You two were trying to get into the Viper Room, weren't you?" he asked, smiling.
"How did you know?" Drake inquired in awe.
"Because…I am Jude the Gigolo Robot. And I know all." He then proceeded to cock his head to the left which triggered disembodied techno music and did a mindless dance.
"…Okay," Drake slowly began after Jude was done. "Is there any way you can get us in?"
"No."
"Then…why are you so concerned about us?" Drake asked sadly.
"We're not," Jude shrugged.
"We just wanted to point and laugh in your un-famous faces!" Ewan said.
And so, the two British actors pointed in Drake and Josh's mauled faces and proceeded to let out jolly British laughter before wandering off cheerfully after a good round of merry laughter at Drake and Josh's expense.
Both Drake and Josh scowled after them and looked at each other. At the same time, their faces lifted from anger to scheming smirks as they exchanged a knowing nod.
They heaved themselves from the ground and ran after Ewan and Jude.
"Hey, what the—" Ewan began but was cut off by Josh's fist in his mouth.
"AHHHH! NOT THE HAIR!" Jude screamed as Drake leaped on top of him and grabbed his perfectly groomed hair and proceeded to yank the crap out of it.
"GET OFF US!" was Ewan's last request before Josh threw him to the cement and pounced on him.
"RAPE! RAPE!" Jude screeched when Drake did the same.
"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Drake and Josh both screamed as they pummeled the doomed actors.
§
"Go on in, Mr. Crowe," the bouncer smiled as he gestured to Academy Award Winner Russell Crowe to enter.
"I'm from Australia," Russell whispered to him and winked before entering.
"Uh huh…" the bouncer nodded distantly but quickly regained posture when a rather mutilated-looking Ewan McGregor and Jude Law approached him.
It was definitely them – they were spitting images. There was just something about them that looked a little…wrong. Their skin seemed to be melting off their bones. They did look a bit shorter than last time the bouncer saw them. And he could've sworn Ewan looked a little more bloated than usual. He certainly was wider.
However, the bouncer just put on a welcoming smile. "Good evening, Mr. McGregor. Mr. Law."
"Who? Oh, hi!" Ewan said distractedly.
That's funny…his voice didn't seem to be his own. He sounded more like a kid.
"You two seem different…" the bouncer mused, taking a closer look at them.
"Oh really? How so?" Jude asked innocently, in a similar voice.
"Well, for one thing, you both have American accents."
"Oh, well that's what happens when you spend a lot of time in America, yah?" Ewan laughed now in a voice that sounded like he was whipping up another accent.
"My, what flabby skin you have," the bouncer muttered in disbelief.
"Um…I lost weight?" Ewan ventured.
"Looks to me as if you GAINED weight. I don't remember you being so hefty."
"Ah, well, I've been pigging out on a bunch of Krispy Kreme donuts. It's, uh, research. Yeah, I'm shooting a movie about Krispy Kreme."
"Seems to me as if you shrunk," he continued, still hardly believing his ears and eyes. "The camera must make you look taller. Aren't you both six foot?"
"Uhm…yes," Jude said flatly.
"Huh. Well, I'm 5'9" and I'm taller than you. You sure you didn't take any shrinking pills last night or anything?"
"Actually, yes. We took a bunch of them. You know, didn't want to get people jealous by towering over them, eh wot?"
The bouncer shook his head in awe as he studied them further. "Damn, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were those two kids that kept coming by earlier who killed you, skinned you, and are now wearing your skins just so they could get into the nightclub."
In the time it took him to say that, both Ewan's and Jude's eyes (which were not their usual green, but rather brown), grew wide in horror. Also, they both gulped nervously and began to waver in their stance.
"…But that's impossible!" the bouncer laughed and waved away the thought with his hand. Ewan and Jude giggled nervously. "It's a good thing those kids were just a couple of dumbasses and not cleverly homicidal like that. Go on in, guys!"
With that, the bouncer swept an open hand towards the entrance and looks of complete mirth and happiness overtook Ewan and Jude.
§
POV SWITCH! WHEEEEEEE!!!
§
At first, Josh couldn't believe it. He resisted all urges to tackle the bouncer and hug him and headed inside with Drake right next to him.
Inside, strobe lights were flashing, colors were bouncing on the walls, and every cool celebrity to ever be a cool celebrity was on the dance floor jiving like there was no August 18th! (Because 'like there was no tomorrow' is just SO cliché.)
It was a feast for the eyes, and Josh and Drake FINALLY accomplished it.
"Dude!" Josh yelped happily, grabbing both Drake's shoulders and shaking him. "We're in! We're actually IN the Viper Room!"
"Don't touch me!" Drake yelled back, shoving him backwards.
"Don't worry, man! That's Jude Law's skin I was touching! Not yours!"
"…Oh. Oh, right!"
They both let out screams of jubilation and danced a little jig before composing themselves.
"Dude, I can't believe it worked!" Josh breathed. "Of course, we're both going to go to hell for killing Ewan McGregor and Jude Law and using their skin just so we could get in here and have a good time."
"Yeah, later," Drake said, distractedly, landing his eyes on Academy Award Winner Halle Berry's ass. "Let's PARTAY!!!"
The two of them whooped excitedly and joined a huge mosh pit of celebrities on the dance floor where they were tossed around like clothes in a dryer. Well, no. More like pinballs in a pinball machine.
In fact, they were thrown and thrashed about SO much, the skin they were wearing accidentally wiggled off without their knowing.
"Oh my God!" Academy Award Winner Gwyneth Paltrow screamed, causing the entire club to go dead silent. "Ewan! Your skin fell off!"
"So did yours, Jude!" Academy Award Winner Angelina Jolie gasped, pointing at the now exposed Drake and Josh.
"Uh oh…" they both gulped.
"Hey, that's not Ewan and Jude!" Academy Award Winner Ben Affleck proclaimed. "Those are just two kids who killed them, skinned them and used their epidermises to fool the bouncer and get into the club!"
"Jeez, even I'm not that psychotic," Academy Award Winner Anthony Hopkins shuddered.
"GET THEM!" Academy Award Nominee Michael Clarke Duncan bellowed.
And so, after letting out terrified screams, Josh and Drake were chased around the club by the angry mob of celebrities until they were cornered, beaten mercilessly and then arrested.
"Well, Josh," Drake growled as the cop dragged him to the cop car. "What have we learned from all this?"
"Uhm, never eat cheese before noon?" Josh grinned through bloody teeth.
"Man…QUIT trying to funny!"
When they arrived at the prison, another large angry mob was awaiting them, only this time it was a mob of rabid Ewan McGregor fangirls and a mob of obsessive compulsive Jude Law fangirls. Upon exiting the car, both mobs of fangirls attacked Josh and Drake, beat them until they were dead from hemorrhaging, strung them up by twine, hung them from the prison tree and beat their bodies with aluminum bats.
Suddenly the violent image paused and the camera panned out to reveal the entire thing being seen on a tiny TV where GollumRox was leaning against it.
"And THAT," she preached, "is why you should never watch this show."
Her audience, consisted of her little brother Squeet, her stuffed penguin Christian Lenin, and the bear from Harvey Birdman, only stared blankly back at her.
She smiled. Her job was done.
"Who wants some Krispy Kreme donuts?" she asked, pulling a greasy box out from behind her back.
"Awrrrrrr," the bear said.
§
"Hearts, stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold and rainbows, and the red balloon!" Ewan and Jude sang upon seeing the story was finally over.