Chapter 3
Kara had had better days. For that matter, if she were capable she might consider removing certain days from the makeshift calendar that they were currently following. Anniversaries would be the first thing to go, followed quickly by birthdays and then all those little unofficial holidays which only served to prove just how much they had lost when the colonies had been destroyed.
But Kara had little say-so about calendars, or rosters, or even schedules. So instead of trying to manage the day by groping, she was doing her best to exhaust her way through it. So far, she had finished a five-mile run, and then had spent more than two hours in the gym working her upper body until she felt rather like an overcooked noodle. She would likely be sore tomorrow, but she couldn't find it in her to care. She wasn't often sore after her workouts, but then neither was she normally so diligent in trying to wear herself down. It would have been easier to just ask Lee to switch the roster so that she could fly, but to do so she would have to remind him why and if he had forgotten then she certainly didn't want to remind him.
Today would have been her wedding anniversary, if life had gone a bit differently. On the other hand, she'd also be dead, so maybe not. Or would that have been best? Snapping her mind back from the track it had taken, she realized that her arms were quivering a little more than she would have liked. Reps to the point of exhaustion were one thing, but without a spotter she was pushing the envelope. She eased the bar down to her chest for one last time, and as she started to push up she realized that she was in trouble.
Kara let out a breath, gently eased the weight down to her chest and gave her arms as much of a break as she could manage without compressing her chest. She had options. She knew she had options. She could always press up with only her right arm, sliding the bar to her left while rolling right. It would get her out of the situation safely, but it would be damned embarrassing and easily heard for three compartments in any direction. That was not attention she wanted to draw. Not today.
She could also call for help, but that wasn't one of her favorite options either. Independent to the core - she had always had too be - Kara was reluctant to ask anything of anyone. Asking something of them meant depending on them, and the fewer people she depended on, the better. People died. It was as simple as that. She wasn't going to depend on someone who might be dead tomorrow.
Like someone was dead today.
Options. Right. Kara closed her eyes and sent a little prayer that she would manage to get herself out of this without too much of a problem. She had three priorities at the moment: safety, discretion, and damaging the equipment as little as possible because there was nothing to replace it with. Thankfully, that was also the order of her priorities.
She had rested her arms for a full three minutes at least when she decided that the bruise she was going to have on her chest would be bad enough without waiting any longer. She took a breath to brace herself and then exhaled in a controlled motion as she closed her eyes and lifted.
The bar went up with surprising ease, and it was only when she opened her eyes to find Lee above her, his head upside down in her current position, carefully positioning the crossbar in its holders.
"Thanks," she said, more than a little out of breath. Absently she wondered if she could have done it on her own, and then she dismissed the thought. What was done was done.
"You should have a spotter," he reminded her with a raised eyebrow and a calm tone. It wasn't a reprimand, but rather a friendly gesture to remind her of safety.
"Right," she agreed, rubbing arms that were beyond rubbery and into numb. Yes, she would hurt tomorrow. But that was okay; it would be after today.
"You about through here, or do you have something else to do?" she asked.
"I'm done," she told him with feeling.
"Cool. If you've got the time, I want to talk."
Talk. Shit. It was the last thing she wanted, but he was her best friend and Zak's brother. Did she really have a choice? "Sure. Can I catch a shower first?" she asked.
"Sure. Bring your stuff, and you can even get a warm one. I happen to know the CAG."
She smiled at that. It wasn't the first time he'd offered her the use of his room or shower. As CAG, he was one of the few men aboard the Galactica to have such privileges. But he had earned them, both in the responsibility he shouldered and the job he did. Normally she didn't take him up on it, but after the way she had overexerted herself the concept of warm water - a rarity in the Squadron shower bays - seemed like a great idea. From any other man she might consider the offer of his shower a pass, but not Lee. Never Lee.
"Let me grab some clean clothes," she requested.
He gave a nod, waited patiently while she gathered her things into a small tote bag, and then followed him from the room.
Even as she dreaded the discussion she knew was coming, she also was glad that if she had to have it, she was having it with Lee. Kara had talked to the commander - Bill - about it on occasion, but there was so much pain in him that it was difficult. Discussion brought up years of pain and regret, both of what had happened and what it had caused, and she wasn't ready for that this year. If she'd had her way, she would be safely sedated in sick bay until the day was past; she figured Bill might want the same thing.
Once in Lee's room - a smaller version of his father's quarters - he ushered her into the tiny bathroom and shut the door for her. He seemed edgy, but not upset. She mulled that over for a bit as she set the water temperature and slid beneath the spray with a sigh. Warm. She had been a few degrees past hot while working out, but the walk to his room had left her chilled. The warmth felt good. She borrowed his soap both for body and hair, as shampoo had long been extinct on the post-war battlestar. Still, it was better than nothing. She scrubbed herself once, then a second time just because no one was really waiting on her and the water was still warm.
With no more excuses, she stepped from the shower and reached for a towel -also Lee's - and dried off her body before scrubbing her hair with the same towel. Dressing was quick and easy. She didn't bother with underclothes as she had pretty much soaked through them during her workout, but her tanks and pants were still fairly clean. She wadded up the wetter workout clothes and stuffed them back into her tote. If she didn't send them to the laundry carefully labeled and in her bag, she'd never see them again and small shirts were still hard to come by.
Finally feeling almost human, she stepped from the steamy bathroom in a slight cloud to find Lee waiting with a big smile on his face. "What?" she asked with her hands on her hips.
"Your hair's sticking up," he said simply.
She shrugged a shoulder, ran her fingers through the wet strands a couple of times, and then took a seat across from him. "Thanks for the warm water," she told him.
"Anytime," he replied. Then, more seriously, "You know that, right? That you can come here?"
She nodded, but it was more in confusion than agreement. Of course she could come to Lee. She always had. Well, almost always anyway. "You have a point?" she asked almost absently.
The sigh he gave told her more than the withdrawal in his eyes or the characteristic crossing of his arms. He was shutting her out, or shutting himself in. Either way, he was gearing up for something she wouldn't like.
When he remained silent, just looking at her, for more than a minute she got annoyed. "You asked me to come here," she reminded him. "You're the one who wanted to talk."
He nodded, his body relaxing slightly in the chair. Only slightly. "I'm trying to think of a way to bring this up without winding up with a black eye."
"I'm gonna like it that much, huh?" she asked.
"There's been some talk. I just... before it got back to you by way of some poor specialist who was only repeating what had been repeated, I thought I'd let you know the latest scuttlebutt."
Kara grinned genuinely. "Am I pregnant again?" she asked with a smile. "Or have you left me."
"This is serious," he reminded her, but his tone was lighter. He knew her too well to think that the rumor mill might bother her, so there had to be more too it. He didn't disappoint. "Rumor isn't hooking up you and me," he said simply. "It's connecting you and my dad."
Kara's world stopped. For a brief moment, she could neither see nor hear, think nor breathe. The world just ceased to exist while she digested the fact that she was being accused of sleeping with the one man in the world who she respected above all others. It was so absurd as to not be real, and yet Lee wouldn't spring this on her without a reason. Motion returned to her a long time before logic sorted out the images in her mind, and she headed for the door.
"Kara," Lee called, but she wasn't listening. Who in hell had started this? Why? What would Bill - the commander - think of it? She wasn't sure whether to be more insulted or angered, but one or the other was going to win.
Just as her hand reached the wheel on the hatch, she felt a firm hand clasp her arm to restrain her. It was just the target her confused mind needed. She came around with her opposite arm, prepared to give a firm left hook to the person with little enough sense to get in her way while she felt like this. For better or for worse, the person had enough sense to know that the punch would be coming, and it was easily deflected. That pissed Kara off. Yet before she could bring up her right arm in the uppercut she intended, both of her arms were held firmly below the elbow, one of his legs had wrapped around both of hers, and she found herself on the floor looking up and one seriously calm man. Calm. He was calm, and she was ready to kill.
She might have won the fight, but her arms hadn't yet recovered from their overtaxing less than an hour before, and her legs were still tight from her run. Fighting just wasn't an option. She tried to buck off the weight that had her held firmly, but it wasn't getting her - or him - anywhere.
"Give?" he asked, his voice still totally calm even after several moments of her trying to damage him where it would hurt the most. She hadn't been successful; Zak had taught her a lot of tricks, but Lee had taught most of them to Zak.
"Give," she muttered.
He knew her well enough not to let her up immediately. If he had, she would have decked him without a second thought. Instead, he talked to her in a reasonable tone of voice. She wanted to wring his neck. "You and Dad have been seen having dinner together," Lee said quietly, his voice holding an almost hypnotic quality. "That's all. There was the usual assumption that you've slept your way up the ranks, but you've heard that before. I didn't tell you so that you could land yourself in the brig; I told you because you need to hear what's being said behind your back."
She took a deep breath, then another. Then, to her overwhelming embarrassment, she squeezed her eyes shut against tears. Why? Kara had no idea. But the involuntary reaction was enough to drive the tension from her body, and with it Lee's weight. He moved aside, resting on his knees beside her, never taking his arms from hers. It didn't matter now, though. She couldn't lift her head, much less fight him.
She gulped in a breath, and then another, as she hadn't done in almost a year. Exactly a year to the day. Oh, Lords, why now? Why in front of Lee?
"Most rumors have some truth," he said, distracting her from a memory that was about to pull her under. "I just wondered what part of this one was. They figure we're a couple because you actually listen to me on occasion, and you don't date, among other things."
"Like using your shower," she said in a gravelly voice. Lords, she sounded as bad as she felt.
"Exactly," he agreed, his voice soft with understanding. The grip of his hands had shifted, reassuring rather than restraining, and she was almost sorry. It would have been easier to be angry with him. "So what part of this one is true?"
"I ate dinner with him," she admitted. "In a public place, with plenty of witnesses. Damn, it was just the mess hall, and all we did was talk. Do you know he doesn't even go down there half the time because he doesn't have anyone to sit with?" she asked.
"I know," Lee told her. "I've eaten in his office with him a few times. He always said it was so he could get work done, but I had a feeling it was something more."
"One dinner," she muttered. "Lee, it's not that I care what anyone thinks, because I don't, but when the hell did my life become public property? When did his?"
He must have finally realized that she wasn't a danger to him or herself - much less any hapless person passing by in the corridor - because he released her arms and leaned back on his heels to offer her an arm. She had the good sense to take it, knowing that her body was sore enough without battling to get up from the ground on her own. She assumed a sitting position next to where he was squatting.
His eyes weren't meeting hers, though, and that bothered him. Neither was he speaking any longer. It seemed that once he had dropped his bomb, and then defused it as much as possible, he was at a loss. He wasn't offering his support, really. He wasn't angry with her, or defending his father. He wasn't... well, he wasn't much of anything.
"Lee?"
"Yeah?"
She took a deep breath before continuing. "Since when did you start listening to the rumor mill?"
"We both know it's out there," he told her evasively.
"Yeah, but we also know there's more creativity than honesty in most accusations. You seem to be giving this one some credence. That bothers me."
Lee gave a shrug. "I didn't know you made it a practice of eating with my dad," he told her carefully. "I mean, I know it's ridiculous - he's twice your age - but... I don't know. How often do you two get together, anyway?"
Kara thought about that a moment, and also tried to determine the spirit in which it had been asked. Deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt, she went with honesty rather than sarcasm. "After Zak, we got to be good friends. We were both fairly alone - you and your mom had each other, but he was really hanging, and hurting. I was feeling the same way. The two of us kept one another together for those first weeks. We were both missing Zak, and it was easier to miss him with someone who understood nearby."
"You could have come to me," he told her gently.
Kara shook her head avidly. "No, I couldn't. I felt... responsible. Hell, I was responsible, if indirectly. Your dad knew that, and it didn't matter. He was more worried that I was in pain than that I'd done it to myself. I'd never had anyone... care that way. I didn't know anyone could. You were hurting as much, but you were so angry. I saw what you did to your father, and I knew that if you turned it on me I couldn't handle it."
"You loved him," Lee argued. "I knew that."
"So did your dad," she reminded him. "That didn't make a difference to you. You needed to blame someone, and Bill was willing. I was too damned weak to argue."
"Bill?"
She gave a grin. "Only out of uniform. He told me that he had almost forgotten his own name, and wanted someone to use it on occasion. There's not much I can say 'no' to when it comes to him. He had me doing it right after, back before I was on the Galactica. He reminded me the other night that he still needs that."
Lee just looked at her. She couldn't interpret his expression to save her life. "I didn't know," he said softly, so quietly in fact that she nearly missed the words. He was standing now, and reached down to tug her to her feet. She accepted the help, wincing at the discomfort of sore muscles. "You okay?" he asked.
"I'll be fine," she told him, only now realizing that he had effectively distracted her from the reason she had been driving herself to exhaustion. Moments earlier, she had been fighting tears. Now she was just... numb. She preferred the feeling immensely.
"You didn't seem okay in the gym," he said as he turned to sit back down, this time in a chair.
So much for numbness or evasion. "I pushed it a little. I was off, and bored, and it just made sense to get in a little longer workout."
"Right. Now tell me what's bugging you?"
Kara gave him a glare. Damned man knew her too frakking well. "Drop it, Lee," she said simply.
He looked at her, and for a single precious moment she thought he just might. "Would you tell my dad?" he asked. She couldn't place the note in his voice, but she didn't like it.
Irritation burned through her. "I wouldn't have to," she snapped out.
His blank look confirmed what she had suspected; he was oblivious to the significance that the day held. "Lee, just drop it," she requested. "I appreciate the shower, and the information. If I decide to have dinner with a friend in the future, I'll be sure to hide out like a criminal so that they can really get the speculation going. That is, if he's even willing to be seen with me. Shit, I didn't even think of what this was going to mean to him. I'm just a pilot, but he's in charge of the damned military." Her gaze snapped to Lee's. "How bad is it?" she asked.
"How bad is what?"
"The flak your dad is taking?" she asked with a good deal more concern than she had felt for her own less-than-sterling reputation.
"I don't know," he admitted. "I haven't talked to him."
"Shit," she muttered.
"What?"
"He's the frakking Commander, Lee. Everything he does is under a microscope. Do you even have a clue how much this crew respects him? Do you know what that means to him, or what this is going to do to him?"
"I have a good idea," he said as he crossed his arms before him. He was guarding again, although she didn't know why. "I've been on this ship for three years, Kara. My dad is just shy of being a Holy Lord. I hear about him at least ten times a day, and I have to live up to it because I'm his son." The last was said with a clear bitterness that Kara recognized all too well.
"You don't have to be your father," she told him, her irritation fading slightly. "Not any more than Zak had to be you. Just be yourself and do what you do best. If Zak had done the same, he'd still be alive."
"What do you mean by that?" he asked.
She shook her head. She had already said too much, and Kara didn't want to go into it again. "Forget it, Lee. You just don't need to be like your dad; not unless it's what you want. Life is too short to be anything you aren't meant to be."
"You mean Zak?"
"I don't mean anything. Lee, I'm tired. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Kara, don't do this to me," he asked.
Closing her eyes against the gentleness in his voice, she tried to martial some defense against him. She couldn't do it; where the Adamas were concerned, she never had been able to. "Do what?"
"Shut me out," he said. "After we lost him, I know I was an ass. I've apologized to dad, and to you... hell, I don't even know how many times. You always say it's over, but then when something's on your mind, you just shut down. I can't read your mind."
Kara closed eyes that were beginning to burn, her throat hurting as she tried to get in a breath past the tightness there. "Zak didn't want to be a pilot, Lee," she finally said. "He wanted to be you. He wanted to be your father. He wanted to be... good enough for me, and he never thought he was because I could fly. But he wasn't a pilot; not really. He was an artist, and a gentleman, and sometimes a serious joker. But he wasn't a pilot, Lee. He wasn't ever supposed to be a pilot."
"I know," Lee said, rising to meet her where she was still standing, and had been since he'd helped her stand moments before. "I must have told him a hundred times that he wasn't a pilot. It just made him try harder."
Kara sniffed, focusing her attention over Lee's shoulder and at the wall behind him. The feel of warm, solid arms around her body took her by surprise. She had cried her heart out in Bill's arms on a dozen occasions, and he'd lost his composure around her more than once although he'd never lost his dignity. But she had never fallen apart with Lee. She had never let him see this. But his arms were warm, and tight, and it felt so good to be held again, even if it was just by a friend. He was a friend who understood, or at least one who would try to. "It still hurts," she admitted.
"I know," he told her. And then he kissed her - on the top of her head - just as his father had always done; just as Zak had often done. It was a simple sign of affection, and acceptance, and it was more than she could take.
The tears started silently, eased into a gentle cry, and held there for what felt like forever. Lee never let go, and he never said a word. There was nothing he could say, and he seemed to know it. As the tears finally subsided, leaving an emotional depletion as complete as her physical exhaustion, she spoke softly. "Five years," she whispered.
"Hmm?" His voice was gravelly, hoarse.
"Today would have been five years - our anniversary."
"Lords, Kara," he said, and his voice broke softly. "I didn't even think."
"No reason you should have," she told him with a sniffle. "We never even sent out the invitations. We had ordered them, though. They came a week after the funeral. I still have one in my locker."
His arms tightened, but she didn't mind. Oddly, she hadn't reached out to hold him though. Her arms were caught between their chests, her hands grasping the pockets of his uniform. She was holding on for dear life, and it was just about the only think holding her up. Her mind was blank, her thoughts scattered and lost, her nose stuffy and her chest hurting. Her arms and legs ached with overuse, and her back was starting to make its presence known. On top of that, she was just plain tired.
So Kara never really knew when she went from desperate clinging into sleep. She didn't realize when Lee eased her body down to his bed and tugged off her running shoes. She didn't feel the blanket he tossed over her, and she didn't feel the shifting of the bed as he sat next to her, brushing her hair back from her face and just watching her sleep with deep regret.
A very long time later, Kara didn't notice when the bed moved once more, the lights in the room dimmed and the hatch opened and closed, leaving her alone in the bed of her fianc's brother.
Kara had had better days. For that matter, if she were capable she might consider removing certain days from the makeshift calendar that they were currently following. Anniversaries would be the first thing to go, followed quickly by birthdays and then all those little unofficial holidays which only served to prove just how much they had lost when the colonies had been destroyed.
But Kara had little say-so about calendars, or rosters, or even schedules. So instead of trying to manage the day by groping, she was doing her best to exhaust her way through it. So far, she had finished a five-mile run, and then had spent more than two hours in the gym working her upper body until she felt rather like an overcooked noodle. She would likely be sore tomorrow, but she couldn't find it in her to care. She wasn't often sore after her workouts, but then neither was she normally so diligent in trying to wear herself down. It would have been easier to just ask Lee to switch the roster so that she could fly, but to do so she would have to remind him why and if he had forgotten then she certainly didn't want to remind him.
Today would have been her wedding anniversary, if life had gone a bit differently. On the other hand, she'd also be dead, so maybe not. Or would that have been best? Snapping her mind back from the track it had taken, she realized that her arms were quivering a little more than she would have liked. Reps to the point of exhaustion were one thing, but without a spotter she was pushing the envelope. She eased the bar down to her chest for one last time, and as she started to push up she realized that she was in trouble.
Kara let out a breath, gently eased the weight down to her chest and gave her arms as much of a break as she could manage without compressing her chest. She had options. She knew she had options. She could always press up with only her right arm, sliding the bar to her left while rolling right. It would get her out of the situation safely, but it would be damned embarrassing and easily heard for three compartments in any direction. That was not attention she wanted to draw. Not today.
She could also call for help, but that wasn't one of her favorite options either. Independent to the core - she had always had too be - Kara was reluctant to ask anything of anyone. Asking something of them meant depending on them, and the fewer people she depended on, the better. People died. It was as simple as that. She wasn't going to depend on someone who might be dead tomorrow.
Like someone was dead today.
Options. Right. Kara closed her eyes and sent a little prayer that she would manage to get herself out of this without too much of a problem. She had three priorities at the moment: safety, discretion, and damaging the equipment as little as possible because there was nothing to replace it with. Thankfully, that was also the order of her priorities.
She had rested her arms for a full three minutes at least when she decided that the bruise she was going to have on her chest would be bad enough without waiting any longer. She took a breath to brace herself and then exhaled in a controlled motion as she closed her eyes and lifted.
The bar went up with surprising ease, and it was only when she opened her eyes to find Lee above her, his head upside down in her current position, carefully positioning the crossbar in its holders.
"Thanks," she said, more than a little out of breath. Absently she wondered if she could have done it on her own, and then she dismissed the thought. What was done was done.
"You should have a spotter," he reminded her with a raised eyebrow and a calm tone. It wasn't a reprimand, but rather a friendly gesture to remind her of safety.
"Right," she agreed, rubbing arms that were beyond rubbery and into numb. Yes, she would hurt tomorrow. But that was okay; it would be after today.
"You about through here, or do you have something else to do?" she asked.
"I'm done," she told him with feeling.
"Cool. If you've got the time, I want to talk."
Talk. Shit. It was the last thing she wanted, but he was her best friend and Zak's brother. Did she really have a choice? "Sure. Can I catch a shower first?" she asked.
"Sure. Bring your stuff, and you can even get a warm one. I happen to know the CAG."
She smiled at that. It wasn't the first time he'd offered her the use of his room or shower. As CAG, he was one of the few men aboard the Galactica to have such privileges. But he had earned them, both in the responsibility he shouldered and the job he did. Normally she didn't take him up on it, but after the way she had overexerted herself the concept of warm water - a rarity in the Squadron shower bays - seemed like a great idea. From any other man she might consider the offer of his shower a pass, but not Lee. Never Lee.
"Let me grab some clean clothes," she requested.
He gave a nod, waited patiently while she gathered her things into a small tote bag, and then followed him from the room.
Even as she dreaded the discussion she knew was coming, she also was glad that if she had to have it, she was having it with Lee. Kara had talked to the commander - Bill - about it on occasion, but there was so much pain in him that it was difficult. Discussion brought up years of pain and regret, both of what had happened and what it had caused, and she wasn't ready for that this year. If she'd had her way, she would be safely sedated in sick bay until the day was past; she figured Bill might want the same thing.
Once in Lee's room - a smaller version of his father's quarters - he ushered her into the tiny bathroom and shut the door for her. He seemed edgy, but not upset. She mulled that over for a bit as she set the water temperature and slid beneath the spray with a sigh. Warm. She had been a few degrees past hot while working out, but the walk to his room had left her chilled. The warmth felt good. She borrowed his soap both for body and hair, as shampoo had long been extinct on the post-war battlestar. Still, it was better than nothing. She scrubbed herself once, then a second time just because no one was really waiting on her and the water was still warm.
With no more excuses, she stepped from the shower and reached for a towel -also Lee's - and dried off her body before scrubbing her hair with the same towel. Dressing was quick and easy. She didn't bother with underclothes as she had pretty much soaked through them during her workout, but her tanks and pants were still fairly clean. She wadded up the wetter workout clothes and stuffed them back into her tote. If she didn't send them to the laundry carefully labeled and in her bag, she'd never see them again and small shirts were still hard to come by.
Finally feeling almost human, she stepped from the steamy bathroom in a slight cloud to find Lee waiting with a big smile on his face. "What?" she asked with her hands on her hips.
"Your hair's sticking up," he said simply.
She shrugged a shoulder, ran her fingers through the wet strands a couple of times, and then took a seat across from him. "Thanks for the warm water," she told him.
"Anytime," he replied. Then, more seriously, "You know that, right? That you can come here?"
She nodded, but it was more in confusion than agreement. Of course she could come to Lee. She always had. Well, almost always anyway. "You have a point?" she asked almost absently.
The sigh he gave told her more than the withdrawal in his eyes or the characteristic crossing of his arms. He was shutting her out, or shutting himself in. Either way, he was gearing up for something she wouldn't like.
When he remained silent, just looking at her, for more than a minute she got annoyed. "You asked me to come here," she reminded him. "You're the one who wanted to talk."
He nodded, his body relaxing slightly in the chair. Only slightly. "I'm trying to think of a way to bring this up without winding up with a black eye."
"I'm gonna like it that much, huh?" she asked.
"There's been some talk. I just... before it got back to you by way of some poor specialist who was only repeating what had been repeated, I thought I'd let you know the latest scuttlebutt."
Kara grinned genuinely. "Am I pregnant again?" she asked with a smile. "Or have you left me."
"This is serious," he reminded her, but his tone was lighter. He knew her too well to think that the rumor mill might bother her, so there had to be more too it. He didn't disappoint. "Rumor isn't hooking up you and me," he said simply. "It's connecting you and my dad."
Kara's world stopped. For a brief moment, she could neither see nor hear, think nor breathe. The world just ceased to exist while she digested the fact that she was being accused of sleeping with the one man in the world who she respected above all others. It was so absurd as to not be real, and yet Lee wouldn't spring this on her without a reason. Motion returned to her a long time before logic sorted out the images in her mind, and she headed for the door.
"Kara," Lee called, but she wasn't listening. Who in hell had started this? Why? What would Bill - the commander - think of it? She wasn't sure whether to be more insulted or angered, but one or the other was going to win.
Just as her hand reached the wheel on the hatch, she felt a firm hand clasp her arm to restrain her. It was just the target her confused mind needed. She came around with her opposite arm, prepared to give a firm left hook to the person with little enough sense to get in her way while she felt like this. For better or for worse, the person had enough sense to know that the punch would be coming, and it was easily deflected. That pissed Kara off. Yet before she could bring up her right arm in the uppercut she intended, both of her arms were held firmly below the elbow, one of his legs had wrapped around both of hers, and she found herself on the floor looking up and one seriously calm man. Calm. He was calm, and she was ready to kill.
She might have won the fight, but her arms hadn't yet recovered from their overtaxing less than an hour before, and her legs were still tight from her run. Fighting just wasn't an option. She tried to buck off the weight that had her held firmly, but it wasn't getting her - or him - anywhere.
"Give?" he asked, his voice still totally calm even after several moments of her trying to damage him where it would hurt the most. She hadn't been successful; Zak had taught her a lot of tricks, but Lee had taught most of them to Zak.
"Give," she muttered.
He knew her well enough not to let her up immediately. If he had, she would have decked him without a second thought. Instead, he talked to her in a reasonable tone of voice. She wanted to wring his neck. "You and Dad have been seen having dinner together," Lee said quietly, his voice holding an almost hypnotic quality. "That's all. There was the usual assumption that you've slept your way up the ranks, but you've heard that before. I didn't tell you so that you could land yourself in the brig; I told you because you need to hear what's being said behind your back."
She took a deep breath, then another. Then, to her overwhelming embarrassment, she squeezed her eyes shut against tears. Why? Kara had no idea. But the involuntary reaction was enough to drive the tension from her body, and with it Lee's weight. He moved aside, resting on his knees beside her, never taking his arms from hers. It didn't matter now, though. She couldn't lift her head, much less fight him.
She gulped in a breath, and then another, as she hadn't done in almost a year. Exactly a year to the day. Oh, Lords, why now? Why in front of Lee?
"Most rumors have some truth," he said, distracting her from a memory that was about to pull her under. "I just wondered what part of this one was. They figure we're a couple because you actually listen to me on occasion, and you don't date, among other things."
"Like using your shower," she said in a gravelly voice. Lords, she sounded as bad as she felt.
"Exactly," he agreed, his voice soft with understanding. The grip of his hands had shifted, reassuring rather than restraining, and she was almost sorry. It would have been easier to be angry with him. "So what part of this one is true?"
"I ate dinner with him," she admitted. "In a public place, with plenty of witnesses. Damn, it was just the mess hall, and all we did was talk. Do you know he doesn't even go down there half the time because he doesn't have anyone to sit with?" she asked.
"I know," Lee told her. "I've eaten in his office with him a few times. He always said it was so he could get work done, but I had a feeling it was something more."
"One dinner," she muttered. "Lee, it's not that I care what anyone thinks, because I don't, but when the hell did my life become public property? When did his?"
He must have finally realized that she wasn't a danger to him or herself - much less any hapless person passing by in the corridor - because he released her arms and leaned back on his heels to offer her an arm. She had the good sense to take it, knowing that her body was sore enough without battling to get up from the ground on her own. She assumed a sitting position next to where he was squatting.
His eyes weren't meeting hers, though, and that bothered him. Neither was he speaking any longer. It seemed that once he had dropped his bomb, and then defused it as much as possible, he was at a loss. He wasn't offering his support, really. He wasn't angry with her, or defending his father. He wasn't... well, he wasn't much of anything.
"Lee?"
"Yeah?"
She took a deep breath before continuing. "Since when did you start listening to the rumor mill?"
"We both know it's out there," he told her evasively.
"Yeah, but we also know there's more creativity than honesty in most accusations. You seem to be giving this one some credence. That bothers me."
Lee gave a shrug. "I didn't know you made it a practice of eating with my dad," he told her carefully. "I mean, I know it's ridiculous - he's twice your age - but... I don't know. How often do you two get together, anyway?"
Kara thought about that a moment, and also tried to determine the spirit in which it had been asked. Deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt, she went with honesty rather than sarcasm. "After Zak, we got to be good friends. We were both fairly alone - you and your mom had each other, but he was really hanging, and hurting. I was feeling the same way. The two of us kept one another together for those first weeks. We were both missing Zak, and it was easier to miss him with someone who understood nearby."
"You could have come to me," he told her gently.
Kara shook her head avidly. "No, I couldn't. I felt... responsible. Hell, I was responsible, if indirectly. Your dad knew that, and it didn't matter. He was more worried that I was in pain than that I'd done it to myself. I'd never had anyone... care that way. I didn't know anyone could. You were hurting as much, but you were so angry. I saw what you did to your father, and I knew that if you turned it on me I couldn't handle it."
"You loved him," Lee argued. "I knew that."
"So did your dad," she reminded him. "That didn't make a difference to you. You needed to blame someone, and Bill was willing. I was too damned weak to argue."
"Bill?"
She gave a grin. "Only out of uniform. He told me that he had almost forgotten his own name, and wanted someone to use it on occasion. There's not much I can say 'no' to when it comes to him. He had me doing it right after, back before I was on the Galactica. He reminded me the other night that he still needs that."
Lee just looked at her. She couldn't interpret his expression to save her life. "I didn't know," he said softly, so quietly in fact that she nearly missed the words. He was standing now, and reached down to tug her to her feet. She accepted the help, wincing at the discomfort of sore muscles. "You okay?" he asked.
"I'll be fine," she told him, only now realizing that he had effectively distracted her from the reason she had been driving herself to exhaustion. Moments earlier, she had been fighting tears. Now she was just... numb. She preferred the feeling immensely.
"You didn't seem okay in the gym," he said as he turned to sit back down, this time in a chair.
So much for numbness or evasion. "I pushed it a little. I was off, and bored, and it just made sense to get in a little longer workout."
"Right. Now tell me what's bugging you?"
Kara gave him a glare. Damned man knew her too frakking well. "Drop it, Lee," she said simply.
He looked at her, and for a single precious moment she thought he just might. "Would you tell my dad?" he asked. She couldn't place the note in his voice, but she didn't like it.
Irritation burned through her. "I wouldn't have to," she snapped out.
His blank look confirmed what she had suspected; he was oblivious to the significance that the day held. "Lee, just drop it," she requested. "I appreciate the shower, and the information. If I decide to have dinner with a friend in the future, I'll be sure to hide out like a criminal so that they can really get the speculation going. That is, if he's even willing to be seen with me. Shit, I didn't even think of what this was going to mean to him. I'm just a pilot, but he's in charge of the damned military." Her gaze snapped to Lee's. "How bad is it?" she asked.
"How bad is what?"
"The flak your dad is taking?" she asked with a good deal more concern than she had felt for her own less-than-sterling reputation.
"I don't know," he admitted. "I haven't talked to him."
"Shit," she muttered.
"What?"
"He's the frakking Commander, Lee. Everything he does is under a microscope. Do you even have a clue how much this crew respects him? Do you know what that means to him, or what this is going to do to him?"
"I have a good idea," he said as he crossed his arms before him. He was guarding again, although she didn't know why. "I've been on this ship for three years, Kara. My dad is just shy of being a Holy Lord. I hear about him at least ten times a day, and I have to live up to it because I'm his son." The last was said with a clear bitterness that Kara recognized all too well.
"You don't have to be your father," she told him, her irritation fading slightly. "Not any more than Zak had to be you. Just be yourself and do what you do best. If Zak had done the same, he'd still be alive."
"What do you mean by that?" he asked.
She shook her head. She had already said too much, and Kara didn't want to go into it again. "Forget it, Lee. You just don't need to be like your dad; not unless it's what you want. Life is too short to be anything you aren't meant to be."
"You mean Zak?"
"I don't mean anything. Lee, I'm tired. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Kara, don't do this to me," he asked.
Closing her eyes against the gentleness in his voice, she tried to martial some defense against him. She couldn't do it; where the Adamas were concerned, she never had been able to. "Do what?"
"Shut me out," he said. "After we lost him, I know I was an ass. I've apologized to dad, and to you... hell, I don't even know how many times. You always say it's over, but then when something's on your mind, you just shut down. I can't read your mind."
Kara closed eyes that were beginning to burn, her throat hurting as she tried to get in a breath past the tightness there. "Zak didn't want to be a pilot, Lee," she finally said. "He wanted to be you. He wanted to be your father. He wanted to be... good enough for me, and he never thought he was because I could fly. But he wasn't a pilot; not really. He was an artist, and a gentleman, and sometimes a serious joker. But he wasn't a pilot, Lee. He wasn't ever supposed to be a pilot."
"I know," Lee said, rising to meet her where she was still standing, and had been since he'd helped her stand moments before. "I must have told him a hundred times that he wasn't a pilot. It just made him try harder."
Kara sniffed, focusing her attention over Lee's shoulder and at the wall behind him. The feel of warm, solid arms around her body took her by surprise. She had cried her heart out in Bill's arms on a dozen occasions, and he'd lost his composure around her more than once although he'd never lost his dignity. But she had never fallen apart with Lee. She had never let him see this. But his arms were warm, and tight, and it felt so good to be held again, even if it was just by a friend. He was a friend who understood, or at least one who would try to. "It still hurts," she admitted.
"I know," he told her. And then he kissed her - on the top of her head - just as his father had always done; just as Zak had often done. It was a simple sign of affection, and acceptance, and it was more than she could take.
The tears started silently, eased into a gentle cry, and held there for what felt like forever. Lee never let go, and he never said a word. There was nothing he could say, and he seemed to know it. As the tears finally subsided, leaving an emotional depletion as complete as her physical exhaustion, she spoke softly. "Five years," she whispered.
"Hmm?" His voice was gravelly, hoarse.
"Today would have been five years - our anniversary."
"Lords, Kara," he said, and his voice broke softly. "I didn't even think."
"No reason you should have," she told him with a sniffle. "We never even sent out the invitations. We had ordered them, though. They came a week after the funeral. I still have one in my locker."
His arms tightened, but she didn't mind. Oddly, she hadn't reached out to hold him though. Her arms were caught between their chests, her hands grasping the pockets of his uniform. She was holding on for dear life, and it was just about the only think holding her up. Her mind was blank, her thoughts scattered and lost, her nose stuffy and her chest hurting. Her arms and legs ached with overuse, and her back was starting to make its presence known. On top of that, she was just plain tired.
So Kara never really knew when she went from desperate clinging into sleep. She didn't realize when Lee eased her body down to his bed and tugged off her running shoes. She didn't feel the blanket he tossed over her, and she didn't feel the shifting of the bed as he sat next to her, brushing her hair back from her face and just watching her sleep with deep regret.
A very long time later, Kara didn't notice when the bed moved once more, the lights in the room dimmed and the hatch opened and closed, leaving her alone in the bed of her fianc's brother.