Chapter 4
William Adama was no stranger to controversy. The last few years especially had become a battle regarding the introduction of technology, his unwillingness to advance with the times, and his inability to progress in general. He had been the old fogy, the useless old man who needed to retire, and the last throwback to a bygone age. A lot of it was true, but the reasons given had been speculation; he had never feared technology, he had feared the Cylons.
When the war had first begun, he'd also fielded rumors that he and the president were having a torrid affair. That particular one had humored him to the point to where he'd tracked down its source. The two primary events responsible had been an absent comment he'd made on the bridge about 'making babies' that had been taken far out of context combined with one of the president's aides hearing her say something similar. The favors he'd called in to get that information had been many and varied, but the laugh he'd received - and later shared with Roslin, who hadn't found it nearly so funny - had been well worth it. Yes, he had spies everywhere.
Over many years, he'd found that most rumors dissipated quickly when left alone. Arguments only leant credence to the half-truths or outright lies, and attempts at proof were most often wasted. By tomorrow, the rumors would have changed, the interest faded, and the gossip would attach itself to someone else. Some days it seemed like the wait was going to be interminable, and this was one of them.
The best part of being close to his crew was that he trusted them, and they him. Rarely did anything get in his way while in CIC. He had respect for the crew's jobs, and they followed his instructions without argument. Today had been another matter. Every request had elicited a sideways glance before compliance, and more than one whispered conversation had ended with his walking up to the individuals in question. It was odd, and it was also detrimental to getting the job done. He wasn't used to having his men question his orders, much less his morals.
He wasn't the commander of a battlestar because he was stupid, though. He had heard more than one whispered word before his presence had been noted, and he'd put together pieces from the glances and smiles. Some of the reactions were amused, almost approving, but others were vindictive. Still, every conclusion seemed to come back to the same insidious rumor. Apparently, he and Lieutenant Thrace were having an affair.
It was ludicrous. It was silly. Lords, if he were thirty - even twenty - years younger it might be flattering, but as it was the insinuations made him feel like an old man, and they brought to the fore his naturally chivalrous inclinations towards Kara. He'd always felt that way towards her, but it had nothing to do with a steamy affair. He simply saw a beautiful woman who acted far tougher than she had to, or should have to. He enjoyed her company, and yes they shared a past. But none of those facts were new, and neither had they been an issue in the past. Now - after one dinner in a public location - they were both fodder for gossip.
Most of the rumors had seemed to center on his having had dinner with her in the mess hall. He'd found that almost humorous, because everyone - literally - had to eat. They hadn't done anything wrong. So for the entire day he'd ignored the conversations, rolled his eyes when Saul had asked him what the problem was, and in the back of his mind he had worried.
He hadn't worried because of the rumors, though. He had worried because of the date. It was the first time in the five years since his youngest son's death when he hadn't been able to find a convenient excuse to check up on his favorite pilot. Any other day he could have slipped out, but given the rumors flying around CIC he thought his appearance at her squadron quarters, the gym, or the ready-room wouldn't have been questioned. With half of his command crew thinking that he was trying to get into some very young pants, it would be fuel for an already ridiculous rumor. He hadn't wanted to lend any tylium to the fire.
But the worry was still bothering him. Kara wasn't as strong as she liked to think she was, and dates had a way of bringing out pain as nothing else could. He could remember Iilya calling him each year on Zak's birthday with the pretense of checking some technical detail of their divorce. Truthfully, she had just wanted to share her memories with someone who remembered him. She hadn't wanted to forget Zak on the day that reminded her the most of him, and William had been grateful that she'd trusted him so much. It had been one of those conversations which had led to a reconciliation of sorts, or at least mutual forgiveness for past hurts. It hasn't all been bad, they'd decided, because their relationship had created Lee and Zak.
That didn't mean that sleep came easy on this night, or - glancing at the clock - this morning. He shuffled through the never-ending stack of work before him, convinced that paper must multiply when not being watched. He was too tired to face it, and yet his mind was moving too quickly for sleep. How was Kara? Was she okay? Did she need... someone?
He was almost ready to try sleep once more, something that had alluded him the last three times he had lain down, when he heard the faint sound. Gratefully, he stood from the chair at his desk, grabbed a robe, and went to find out who was there.
He rubbed his eyes as he approached his door. The banging on it had been quiet rather than pounding. At three in the morning, there were precious few people who would bother him without claxons accompanying their arrival. And of those few - given the date - one of them was most likely.
He wasn't wrong. As he opened the door, he saw a slightly rumpled but otherwise normal looking Kara Thrace. "Hi," she said almost sheepishly, and the grin was pure Kara. Lords, no wonder people were gossiping. She was beautiful in a way that was clean and pure and just plain sweet; it was no wonder they thought he might use rank and history to take advantage of it. If she hadn't been as dear to him as a daughter, he might have suspected the same thing himself.
He had to smile at the lopsided grin she had given him. "Come on in," he told her, opening the door fully. It surprised him when she seemed to look to both sides before stepping into the room, and yet it didn't. She must have been getting the same sidelong glances he had. "The coast should be clear," he told her in a mock-conspiratorial voice.
Her grin widened, as had been his intent, and she followed him into the room. He gestured her to a chair, then turned to take a seat next to her. The grin had left her face by then, leaving a somber type of worry. She had the most expressive eyes he'd ever seen.
"What?" he asked.
She gave a nod towards his very rumpled bed. "I didn't mean to get you up."
He shook his head at that. "I've been up and down all night," he admitted. "Insomnia is the bane of command. Actually, you're a welcome diversion." He looked at her for a moment, noting the red rims and slight shadows beneath large green eyes, neither of which had been visible in the dimmed corridor lighting. He leaned forward to take her hands into his; they were ice cold. "I wanted to come see if you were okay," he told her. "But I figured that you knew where I was if you needed anything."
"I was fine," she said with a shrug, and all trace of pleasure was gone from her. That fast. Her emotions ran strong and very, very deep. "I did my usual workout, then ran a little more, and hit the gym for a couple of hours." She stared at her hands in his for a moment before continuing. "Then I cried it out and slept it off."
"I'm sorry," he told her gently. "You shouldn't have had to go through that alone."
She shook her head. "Actually, I didn't," she admitted. "Lee kinda wedged his way in, and it all got mixed up. Anyway, he was there for the worst of it, so I guess I've now fallen completely apart for every Adama male. Must be some kind of a record."
He squeezed her hands. "You're allowed. Although I'm surprised you told Lee."
She shrugged at that. "It wasn't deliberate," she admitted. "He wanted to talk to me about... well, what I want to talk to you about. Anyway, we talked some, I got mad, he kept me out of the brig, and somewhere in all the adrenaline I wound up pouring my heart out." She gave a shrug, and a hint of her previous grin. "I fell asleep afterwards."
Bill nodded, then gestured to the coffee pot on a corner table. It was one of his few privileges of command, and he didn't regret having it. "Want some coffee?"
She shook her head at that. "I've already got my days and nights screwed up beyond redemption," she said. "I just... if you were awake, I wanted to ask you about something."
"Ask away," he suggested.
"Lee said..." she began, and then stopped. She took a deep breath, and finally looked up to meet his eyes. "There are a rumors that we're romantically involved," she said in clipped tones. "I wanted to know if you're taking any flak for that, and if you are then I wanted to apologize."
"Apologize? For what? You haven't done anything wrong. You ate dinner with an old man; it's dull as hell, but not a criminal offense."
She shook her head at his joking approach. "I know this is going to cause you problems. It seems like the better things go for the fleet, the worse people need to make up their own little dramas."
He grinned. "You've been through the rumor mill before," he reminded her. "This is no different."
"Yeah, I know," she muttered grimly. "I'm pregnant, I'm gay, and I'm sleeping with your son. I think all three of those hit in the same week. But this is different. Lee and I can laugh about it because we've always had that crap said behind our backs. But you..."
"I...?" he prompted.
"The crew respects you. They've never liked Lee because he came in from the outside. He could be a Holy Lord and they would still find fault. And me? I give them reason to take shots at me. I don't hang with anyone in particular, I beat the shit out of them at cards, and I'm not above knocking them into the next room if they're on my nerves. But you... I guess..."
"I deserve better?" he asked, and he couldn't keep the smile in. When were people in general going to realize that he was as human as any of them?
"You do," she insisted. "None of us would be alive if you hadn't held things together at the beginning. Lee and I ask for this garbage, but you haven't done anything to deserve it. I guess... I just don't want you to have to deal with the crap."
His smile gentled. "Kara, if anything, I'm simply flattered."
"What?" Her hands released his as she pulled back in surprise. Oh, her eyes. He almost laughed as they widened to encompass half of her face.
"At my age, if they want to think I can keep up with you, I'd say it's the ultimate compliment." The last he told her with a wink.
She shook her head, but at least the deadly-serious expression was fading somewhat. "You do so much for everyone," she said simply. "And you don't even take time to sleep. Why would people... I just don't understand the appeal of telling lies, I suppose. It seems pretty useless."
"Entertainment value, I suppose."
"Right," she muttered in disgust. "At the expense of others."
"You said Lee told you. How was he taking it?"
She shrugged, and then winced as she pulled one leg up to the seat of her chair and rested her chin on her knee. "He was concerned," she said. "Although I think it was more about what trouble I'd get into killing whoever started the rumor than the rumor itself. He has enough good sense to know it isn't true, and you know he's been through the rumors as well."
"Since he was a kid," William agreed. "He's battled them his whole life. Everyone just assumed that being the son of a known officer in the Colonial Service was a leg-up in the ranks, but nothing could be further from the truth. They expected twice as much from him to allow half the credit, and they never let him forget for a minute that he wasn't the first, and might never be the best. He used to come home so furious...."
"Sounds like Zak," she said softly. "No matter how well he did something, he always compared it to what Lee was doing, or what you had done. He never... sorry, Lee and I got off on this and I guess it's stuck in my head."
"What is?"
"That Zak never felt... good enough. He couldn't just be himself; he had to be as good as his family. I know none of you ever pushed him, and hell, Lee discouraged him as much as possible because he could see that the talent wasn't there. But Zak never listened. He was never... satisfied."
"Did he... resent that you could do what he couldn't?"
Kara looked thoughtful. "He never acted like it. When he was upset, he usually got really quiet. I never knew what he was mad about until he'd worked through it and could talk about it. He was funny that way."
"Iilya was the same way," William said with a fond smile. "Sometimes we went days saying no more than necessary to manage to be civil. She would be furious and had no clue how to tell me, and I just wanted her to tell me what I'd done so I could fix it and it could be over and done. There were times we spent a whole leave time that way." He shook his head, his smile fading. "So damned much wasted time."
Kara's head lowered, and when it came back up her eyes were shiny but there was no trace of tears. It didn't surprise him; she didn't cry often. She didn't allow herself that. "I liked Iilya," she said softly. "She looked a lot like Lee, but she acted just like Zak. Lords, it was a weird combination. Lee is just the reverse; He looks like her, but he acts more like you. It must be so strange to see pieces of yourself in someone else."
"Sometimes," he admitted. "Sometimes it's gratifying, and other times it's... disappointing. He makes the same mistakes I do. He struggles with the same things. And yet some things that are so clear to me he just..."
"Misses entirely?" she asked.
"Exactly."
"Give him credit for trying," she advised. "He doesn't mean to be a... well, a man."
"Hey," William said with a laugh, tossing the nearest object her way. It happened to be a blanket he'd tossed over on the chair hours earlier.
Kara just grinned at him, catching the blanket easily despite a grimace as she lowered her foot quickly to the floor in order to maintain her balance. "Well, it's true," she said. "Men never say what they mean; they just dance around it."
He shook his head, still laughing, but was unable to find another soft projectile. "I'm out of ammunition, so I suppose you'll get away with that last remark."
But she was smiling. On a day such as this, that was enough. And she had made him feel worlds younger just by treating him as a person - a friend - rather than as the leader of the military or the savior of mankind.
"We could always resort to hand-to-hand," she laughed, putting up her fists in a mock-boxing pose.
"I think you might have me in that as well," he admitted reluctantly. "Although twenty years ago..."
"I would have still knocked your block off," she said with a wink.
"Not likely. I took several awards at the academy, and many thereafter. I may not look like it now, but I was quick on my feet, and had a hell of a right hook."
"But you would play fair," she said with a wide grin. "You always do."
He laughed at her again. "You are so good for me," he muttered, surprised when he heard the words. He hadn't meant to say them aloud.
"Same here," she told him, her voice just as soft. "Whenever I wonder if it was all real - if I ever really had him - I just look at you and I know it wasn't a dream. Same eyes, same smile, and the same stupid sense of humor. It's a little easier to have him gone when I see a part of him every day." She looked at him a long moment, then shook her head and blushed a bright red. "Lords, that sounds stupid. You must think I'm an idiot."
"No," he corrected with another gentle smile. "It sounds right. And it makes me happy that I can help. When we lost him, all I wanted to do was to make the hurting stop for you, but there was nothing.... Day after day, nothing I could say or do would take that pain away. There were times when I wondered if the... resemblance was causing the problem to be even worse. I'm glad it wasn't true."
"I really didn't notice it until just lately," she admitted. "Not consciously, anyway. Maybe I've just been missing him and looking for pieces of him in others. I don't know. When I'm around you, he feels just a little closer."
William thought about that for a moment, curious. "What about Lee?"
She cocked her head to the side. "Lee?"
"Closer or further away?" he asked. "How does Lee make you feel about Zak."
She paused for a moment, looking thoughtful. "Comfortable," she admitted. "In a way like you, but in a way... I don't know. I guess he's familiar, the way Zak was. I knew him before Zak even, worked with him at the academy, and then even after we lost him Lee and I kept in touch. It was just a note or letter here or there, maybe a couple of calls, but we kept tabs on one another. Lords, even when we were mad at each other we kept it civil; that's how close we were. Are. Hell, I don't know. How does he make me feel? I guess it's like with you; he just makes me feel like a person. It's not as related to Zak with him though, it's just Lee and I when we're together. Just friends."
"Don't you normally?"
"Hmm?"
"Feel like a person?"
She shrugged, but the expression on her face told him far more than the absent gesture. She was holding something back, likely because she didn't want to get anyone into trouble.
"Kara?"
"I've... never gotten along with people really well," she said. "Maybe it was being juggled from home to home as a kid; I'm not sure. I didn't make friends easily because either I'd be gone or they would. After a while, you just quit trying. You get along with the kids around you, but that's about all. You can't take any more than that. I've already told you that I don't hang with anyone. The girls don't want me around because I don't go in for the makeup and fancy clothes, and I don't gossip about men or who's frakking who. I didn't even before the war because it just seemed so useless. Zak and Lee never cared about that, though. And the rumors are that I'm gay because I won't date, but the guys don't ask me out because I can out fly and out fight them. And the few that have weren't worth a repeat performance, trust me. Around the girls I feel... stupid. And around the men I'm just mad because it pisses me off when they can't accept me as an equal. I don't know how you managed with Lee and Zak, but that shit never mattered to them; doesn't matter. I'm just Kara. Yeah, I can fly and I live in uniform, but I'm still Kara."
"That was a mouthful," William told her. "Maybe Zak wasn't the only one who held things in. As for the boys, you'll have Iilya to thank. I wasn't there enough to teach them much of anything."
"They're still like you. Or Zak was... Lee is." She shrugged. "It's all stupid," she said on a sigh. "The world is mostly over, and I'm worried about not having a date, or an anniversary that I didn't get. I guess I need to reevaluate some priorities."
"You need to cut yourself some slack," he told her. "And I'll order that if I have to."
She smiled at the lame joke. One couldn't order emotions; Lords knew he would if he could. "I'm just tired," she said softly. "I crashed in Lee's room, but only for a couple of hours. When I woke up, I thought you might...."
"Be having a hard time?"
She shrugged, but didn't answer.
"I was," he told her. "Mostly because I was worried about you. There are times you remind me so much of Iilya. You are beautiful and determined and you care so much. But she didn't have the strength she needed to manage those emotions, and she didn't know when to admit that. You're strong enough, Kara. Not just for what's left of the world, but for what's inside yourself as well. You care enough to worry about an old man, and you don't even realize how special that is. Someone needs to be worrying about you, too."
"I'm fine," she hedged, the blush on her pale skin both obvious and charming. "Really. Remember, tougher than I look?"
"Kara, you don't have to do it alone. Please remember that. I'm always here to listen, and I'm sure Lee would make the same offer. He worries about you, too. Why do you think you pull more patrols than anyone else in the squad?"
"Because I'm the best he has?" she offered with half a grin.
"There is that," William agreed. "But also because you need to fly, and Lee knows that. If you let him, he'll take care of you."
She looked at him for a long moment, her expression unreadable. "You're not starting to play match-maker, are you?" she asked.
"I've always wanted you for a daughter," he told her with a soft smile, hoping she didn't know how serious he was about the subject. "But no, I'm not pushing. Although grandchildren would be wonderful."
"I'd rather fly than make babies," she told him honestly. "I'll serve the fleet that way if you don't mind."
With a soft expression he let her off the hook. "I don't mind. You fly better than anyone I've ever seen. Every time I see you fly, I miss it a little more. Damned eyesight took that from me, but I can still appreciate a beautiful flight. Think of me once in a while when you're out there. I'm not getting any younger."
She finally gave him a true smile. "Nope, you're getting older. Day after tomorrow, isn't it?"
"How do you remember these things?" he asked with a slight blush. Even Iilya had trouble remembering his birthday, although she remembered Lee's and Zak's with amazing accuracy.
"ZaK," she told him, but her smile didn't fade. "He planned the wedding so that he'd be sure to get in a birthday party while you were on leave. He said he hadn't been able to do it in years, and you couldn't refuse to show up to his wedding."
"I hate parties," William said with a wry grin, pleased that she was smiling despite the reference to his youngest son. "And he knew it."
"Parties are good," she told him with a wink. "They keep you young."
"Don't even think it, young lady," he told her with mock severity that wasn't nearly as feigned as he wanted it to be. He really did hate parties.
"Hey, I didn't say a word." She looked at her wrist and her face fell slightly. "Or did I say way too many? I've kept you up all night."
"I'm not on duty today," he told her with reassurance. "Saul's gift to me, so to speak. He and Kelly are covering the shifts so I get to sleep." He glanced over at the rumpled bed, which had yet to actually be put to real use. "Too bad they couldn't finagle a sedative to go with it."
"Well, try anyway," she suggested as she stood. This time her expression was beyond grimace or wince, she was stiff and hurting.
"Are you okay?" he asked, rising to take her arm and steady her. She flinched slightly from even his gentle grip.
"I overdid it in the gym," she admitted. "Trying to tire out enough to sleep. It worked, I guess, but I don't recommend it."
"Does Lee know? You shouldn't be in a cockpit when you're this stiff."
"He caught the fallout," she told him. "I'm sure he's figured it out and adjusted schedules accordingly. Knowing him he'll steal the patrol; he hasn't been in the air for a month.
"Then it sounds like he deserves it. You need some sleep as well."
"Good night, Commander."
He glared at her pointedly, wondering if they needed to have this discussion once again.
"Sorry," she said with a wry smile. "Good night, Bill."
"Better. Good night, Kara." He reached out to touch her cheek, soft and warm and alive. Then he leaned forward and kissed her gently on the forehead. She was a good person; good enough to care for an old man, and to put others before herself. The sad part was that she didn't even know it, and no one around her would appreciate it.
She left quickly, and only much later would he realize that she was probably trying not to be seen, not to fuel further rumors that would make their lives a living hell.
William Adama was awake a long time after she'd left him there. His mind was as active as it had been before she'd arrived, but the thoughts were on a far more current level. Was he pushing Kara towards Lee? Was that a good thing? Was he trying to live vicariously through his son? Would Lee and Kara even make a decent couple. They had a hell of a lot in common, and an understanding of one another that he doubted even they could comprehend. He had seen what misunderstandings could do to a relationship, and it was something that they would never have to cope with. For that reason if no other, the two of them should at least be considering the possibilities.
The questions seemed an endless circle, but one that he could at least concentrate on while lying down. He did so, plumping his pillow and covering himself as warmly as possible in the bed. Lords, he missed having a woman in his arms. Not just for the sex; he was old enough that he'd nearly forgotten what that was like. But he remembered Iilya's warmth against him, the way she kept the cold of the night at bay and made him feel - whatever his limitations as a husband or father - that he was at least a man.
Somewhere between memory and concern, he began to drift. Images of his sons overlapped with Kara and Iilya laughing, children playing, and nuclear weapons exploding. The chaos never really sorted itself out - never assumed a clear meaning - but finally it faded to black and William Adama was able to sleep.
William Adama was no stranger to controversy. The last few years especially had become a battle regarding the introduction of technology, his unwillingness to advance with the times, and his inability to progress in general. He had been the old fogy, the useless old man who needed to retire, and the last throwback to a bygone age. A lot of it was true, but the reasons given had been speculation; he had never feared technology, he had feared the Cylons.
When the war had first begun, he'd also fielded rumors that he and the president were having a torrid affair. That particular one had humored him to the point to where he'd tracked down its source. The two primary events responsible had been an absent comment he'd made on the bridge about 'making babies' that had been taken far out of context combined with one of the president's aides hearing her say something similar. The favors he'd called in to get that information had been many and varied, but the laugh he'd received - and later shared with Roslin, who hadn't found it nearly so funny - had been well worth it. Yes, he had spies everywhere.
Over many years, he'd found that most rumors dissipated quickly when left alone. Arguments only leant credence to the half-truths or outright lies, and attempts at proof were most often wasted. By tomorrow, the rumors would have changed, the interest faded, and the gossip would attach itself to someone else. Some days it seemed like the wait was going to be interminable, and this was one of them.
The best part of being close to his crew was that he trusted them, and they him. Rarely did anything get in his way while in CIC. He had respect for the crew's jobs, and they followed his instructions without argument. Today had been another matter. Every request had elicited a sideways glance before compliance, and more than one whispered conversation had ended with his walking up to the individuals in question. It was odd, and it was also detrimental to getting the job done. He wasn't used to having his men question his orders, much less his morals.
He wasn't the commander of a battlestar because he was stupid, though. He had heard more than one whispered word before his presence had been noted, and he'd put together pieces from the glances and smiles. Some of the reactions were amused, almost approving, but others were vindictive. Still, every conclusion seemed to come back to the same insidious rumor. Apparently, he and Lieutenant Thrace were having an affair.
It was ludicrous. It was silly. Lords, if he were thirty - even twenty - years younger it might be flattering, but as it was the insinuations made him feel like an old man, and they brought to the fore his naturally chivalrous inclinations towards Kara. He'd always felt that way towards her, but it had nothing to do with a steamy affair. He simply saw a beautiful woman who acted far tougher than she had to, or should have to. He enjoyed her company, and yes they shared a past. But none of those facts were new, and neither had they been an issue in the past. Now - after one dinner in a public location - they were both fodder for gossip.
Most of the rumors had seemed to center on his having had dinner with her in the mess hall. He'd found that almost humorous, because everyone - literally - had to eat. They hadn't done anything wrong. So for the entire day he'd ignored the conversations, rolled his eyes when Saul had asked him what the problem was, and in the back of his mind he had worried.
He hadn't worried because of the rumors, though. He had worried because of the date. It was the first time in the five years since his youngest son's death when he hadn't been able to find a convenient excuse to check up on his favorite pilot. Any other day he could have slipped out, but given the rumors flying around CIC he thought his appearance at her squadron quarters, the gym, or the ready-room wouldn't have been questioned. With half of his command crew thinking that he was trying to get into some very young pants, it would be fuel for an already ridiculous rumor. He hadn't wanted to lend any tylium to the fire.
But the worry was still bothering him. Kara wasn't as strong as she liked to think she was, and dates had a way of bringing out pain as nothing else could. He could remember Iilya calling him each year on Zak's birthday with the pretense of checking some technical detail of their divorce. Truthfully, she had just wanted to share her memories with someone who remembered him. She hadn't wanted to forget Zak on the day that reminded her the most of him, and William had been grateful that she'd trusted him so much. It had been one of those conversations which had led to a reconciliation of sorts, or at least mutual forgiveness for past hurts. It hasn't all been bad, they'd decided, because their relationship had created Lee and Zak.
That didn't mean that sleep came easy on this night, or - glancing at the clock - this morning. He shuffled through the never-ending stack of work before him, convinced that paper must multiply when not being watched. He was too tired to face it, and yet his mind was moving too quickly for sleep. How was Kara? Was she okay? Did she need... someone?
He was almost ready to try sleep once more, something that had alluded him the last three times he had lain down, when he heard the faint sound. Gratefully, he stood from the chair at his desk, grabbed a robe, and went to find out who was there.
He rubbed his eyes as he approached his door. The banging on it had been quiet rather than pounding. At three in the morning, there were precious few people who would bother him without claxons accompanying their arrival. And of those few - given the date - one of them was most likely.
He wasn't wrong. As he opened the door, he saw a slightly rumpled but otherwise normal looking Kara Thrace. "Hi," she said almost sheepishly, and the grin was pure Kara. Lords, no wonder people were gossiping. She was beautiful in a way that was clean and pure and just plain sweet; it was no wonder they thought he might use rank and history to take advantage of it. If she hadn't been as dear to him as a daughter, he might have suspected the same thing himself.
He had to smile at the lopsided grin she had given him. "Come on in," he told her, opening the door fully. It surprised him when she seemed to look to both sides before stepping into the room, and yet it didn't. She must have been getting the same sidelong glances he had. "The coast should be clear," he told her in a mock-conspiratorial voice.
Her grin widened, as had been his intent, and she followed him into the room. He gestured her to a chair, then turned to take a seat next to her. The grin had left her face by then, leaving a somber type of worry. She had the most expressive eyes he'd ever seen.
"What?" he asked.
She gave a nod towards his very rumpled bed. "I didn't mean to get you up."
He shook his head at that. "I've been up and down all night," he admitted. "Insomnia is the bane of command. Actually, you're a welcome diversion." He looked at her for a moment, noting the red rims and slight shadows beneath large green eyes, neither of which had been visible in the dimmed corridor lighting. He leaned forward to take her hands into his; they were ice cold. "I wanted to come see if you were okay," he told her. "But I figured that you knew where I was if you needed anything."
"I was fine," she said with a shrug, and all trace of pleasure was gone from her. That fast. Her emotions ran strong and very, very deep. "I did my usual workout, then ran a little more, and hit the gym for a couple of hours." She stared at her hands in his for a moment before continuing. "Then I cried it out and slept it off."
"I'm sorry," he told her gently. "You shouldn't have had to go through that alone."
She shook her head. "Actually, I didn't," she admitted. "Lee kinda wedged his way in, and it all got mixed up. Anyway, he was there for the worst of it, so I guess I've now fallen completely apart for every Adama male. Must be some kind of a record."
He squeezed her hands. "You're allowed. Although I'm surprised you told Lee."
She shrugged at that. "It wasn't deliberate," she admitted. "He wanted to talk to me about... well, what I want to talk to you about. Anyway, we talked some, I got mad, he kept me out of the brig, and somewhere in all the adrenaline I wound up pouring my heart out." She gave a shrug, and a hint of her previous grin. "I fell asleep afterwards."
Bill nodded, then gestured to the coffee pot on a corner table. It was one of his few privileges of command, and he didn't regret having it. "Want some coffee?"
She shook her head at that. "I've already got my days and nights screwed up beyond redemption," she said. "I just... if you were awake, I wanted to ask you about something."
"Ask away," he suggested.
"Lee said..." she began, and then stopped. She took a deep breath, and finally looked up to meet his eyes. "There are a rumors that we're romantically involved," she said in clipped tones. "I wanted to know if you're taking any flak for that, and if you are then I wanted to apologize."
"Apologize? For what? You haven't done anything wrong. You ate dinner with an old man; it's dull as hell, but not a criminal offense."
She shook her head at his joking approach. "I know this is going to cause you problems. It seems like the better things go for the fleet, the worse people need to make up their own little dramas."
He grinned. "You've been through the rumor mill before," he reminded her. "This is no different."
"Yeah, I know," she muttered grimly. "I'm pregnant, I'm gay, and I'm sleeping with your son. I think all three of those hit in the same week. But this is different. Lee and I can laugh about it because we've always had that crap said behind our backs. But you..."
"I...?" he prompted.
"The crew respects you. They've never liked Lee because he came in from the outside. He could be a Holy Lord and they would still find fault. And me? I give them reason to take shots at me. I don't hang with anyone in particular, I beat the shit out of them at cards, and I'm not above knocking them into the next room if they're on my nerves. But you... I guess..."
"I deserve better?" he asked, and he couldn't keep the smile in. When were people in general going to realize that he was as human as any of them?
"You do," she insisted. "None of us would be alive if you hadn't held things together at the beginning. Lee and I ask for this garbage, but you haven't done anything to deserve it. I guess... I just don't want you to have to deal with the crap."
His smile gentled. "Kara, if anything, I'm simply flattered."
"What?" Her hands released his as she pulled back in surprise. Oh, her eyes. He almost laughed as they widened to encompass half of her face.
"At my age, if they want to think I can keep up with you, I'd say it's the ultimate compliment." The last he told her with a wink.
She shook her head, but at least the deadly-serious expression was fading somewhat. "You do so much for everyone," she said simply. "And you don't even take time to sleep. Why would people... I just don't understand the appeal of telling lies, I suppose. It seems pretty useless."
"Entertainment value, I suppose."
"Right," she muttered in disgust. "At the expense of others."
"You said Lee told you. How was he taking it?"
She shrugged, and then winced as she pulled one leg up to the seat of her chair and rested her chin on her knee. "He was concerned," she said. "Although I think it was more about what trouble I'd get into killing whoever started the rumor than the rumor itself. He has enough good sense to know it isn't true, and you know he's been through the rumors as well."
"Since he was a kid," William agreed. "He's battled them his whole life. Everyone just assumed that being the son of a known officer in the Colonial Service was a leg-up in the ranks, but nothing could be further from the truth. They expected twice as much from him to allow half the credit, and they never let him forget for a minute that he wasn't the first, and might never be the best. He used to come home so furious...."
"Sounds like Zak," she said softly. "No matter how well he did something, he always compared it to what Lee was doing, or what you had done. He never... sorry, Lee and I got off on this and I guess it's stuck in my head."
"What is?"
"That Zak never felt... good enough. He couldn't just be himself; he had to be as good as his family. I know none of you ever pushed him, and hell, Lee discouraged him as much as possible because he could see that the talent wasn't there. But Zak never listened. He was never... satisfied."
"Did he... resent that you could do what he couldn't?"
Kara looked thoughtful. "He never acted like it. When he was upset, he usually got really quiet. I never knew what he was mad about until he'd worked through it and could talk about it. He was funny that way."
"Iilya was the same way," William said with a fond smile. "Sometimes we went days saying no more than necessary to manage to be civil. She would be furious and had no clue how to tell me, and I just wanted her to tell me what I'd done so I could fix it and it could be over and done. There were times we spent a whole leave time that way." He shook his head, his smile fading. "So damned much wasted time."
Kara's head lowered, and when it came back up her eyes were shiny but there was no trace of tears. It didn't surprise him; she didn't cry often. She didn't allow herself that. "I liked Iilya," she said softly. "She looked a lot like Lee, but she acted just like Zak. Lords, it was a weird combination. Lee is just the reverse; He looks like her, but he acts more like you. It must be so strange to see pieces of yourself in someone else."
"Sometimes," he admitted. "Sometimes it's gratifying, and other times it's... disappointing. He makes the same mistakes I do. He struggles with the same things. And yet some things that are so clear to me he just..."
"Misses entirely?" she asked.
"Exactly."
"Give him credit for trying," she advised. "He doesn't mean to be a... well, a man."
"Hey," William said with a laugh, tossing the nearest object her way. It happened to be a blanket he'd tossed over on the chair hours earlier.
Kara just grinned at him, catching the blanket easily despite a grimace as she lowered her foot quickly to the floor in order to maintain her balance. "Well, it's true," she said. "Men never say what they mean; they just dance around it."
He shook his head, still laughing, but was unable to find another soft projectile. "I'm out of ammunition, so I suppose you'll get away with that last remark."
But she was smiling. On a day such as this, that was enough. And she had made him feel worlds younger just by treating him as a person - a friend - rather than as the leader of the military or the savior of mankind.
"We could always resort to hand-to-hand," she laughed, putting up her fists in a mock-boxing pose.
"I think you might have me in that as well," he admitted reluctantly. "Although twenty years ago..."
"I would have still knocked your block off," she said with a wink.
"Not likely. I took several awards at the academy, and many thereafter. I may not look like it now, but I was quick on my feet, and had a hell of a right hook."
"But you would play fair," she said with a wide grin. "You always do."
He laughed at her again. "You are so good for me," he muttered, surprised when he heard the words. He hadn't meant to say them aloud.
"Same here," she told him, her voice just as soft. "Whenever I wonder if it was all real - if I ever really had him - I just look at you and I know it wasn't a dream. Same eyes, same smile, and the same stupid sense of humor. It's a little easier to have him gone when I see a part of him every day." She looked at him a long moment, then shook her head and blushed a bright red. "Lords, that sounds stupid. You must think I'm an idiot."
"No," he corrected with another gentle smile. "It sounds right. And it makes me happy that I can help. When we lost him, all I wanted to do was to make the hurting stop for you, but there was nothing.... Day after day, nothing I could say or do would take that pain away. There were times when I wondered if the... resemblance was causing the problem to be even worse. I'm glad it wasn't true."
"I really didn't notice it until just lately," she admitted. "Not consciously, anyway. Maybe I've just been missing him and looking for pieces of him in others. I don't know. When I'm around you, he feels just a little closer."
William thought about that for a moment, curious. "What about Lee?"
She cocked her head to the side. "Lee?"
"Closer or further away?" he asked. "How does Lee make you feel about Zak."
She paused for a moment, looking thoughtful. "Comfortable," she admitted. "In a way like you, but in a way... I don't know. I guess he's familiar, the way Zak was. I knew him before Zak even, worked with him at the academy, and then even after we lost him Lee and I kept in touch. It was just a note or letter here or there, maybe a couple of calls, but we kept tabs on one another. Lords, even when we were mad at each other we kept it civil; that's how close we were. Are. Hell, I don't know. How does he make me feel? I guess it's like with you; he just makes me feel like a person. It's not as related to Zak with him though, it's just Lee and I when we're together. Just friends."
"Don't you normally?"
"Hmm?"
"Feel like a person?"
She shrugged, but the expression on her face told him far more than the absent gesture. She was holding something back, likely because she didn't want to get anyone into trouble.
"Kara?"
"I've... never gotten along with people really well," she said. "Maybe it was being juggled from home to home as a kid; I'm not sure. I didn't make friends easily because either I'd be gone or they would. After a while, you just quit trying. You get along with the kids around you, but that's about all. You can't take any more than that. I've already told you that I don't hang with anyone. The girls don't want me around because I don't go in for the makeup and fancy clothes, and I don't gossip about men or who's frakking who. I didn't even before the war because it just seemed so useless. Zak and Lee never cared about that, though. And the rumors are that I'm gay because I won't date, but the guys don't ask me out because I can out fly and out fight them. And the few that have weren't worth a repeat performance, trust me. Around the girls I feel... stupid. And around the men I'm just mad because it pisses me off when they can't accept me as an equal. I don't know how you managed with Lee and Zak, but that shit never mattered to them; doesn't matter. I'm just Kara. Yeah, I can fly and I live in uniform, but I'm still Kara."
"That was a mouthful," William told her. "Maybe Zak wasn't the only one who held things in. As for the boys, you'll have Iilya to thank. I wasn't there enough to teach them much of anything."
"They're still like you. Or Zak was... Lee is." She shrugged. "It's all stupid," she said on a sigh. "The world is mostly over, and I'm worried about not having a date, or an anniversary that I didn't get. I guess I need to reevaluate some priorities."
"You need to cut yourself some slack," he told her. "And I'll order that if I have to."
She smiled at the lame joke. One couldn't order emotions; Lords knew he would if he could. "I'm just tired," she said softly. "I crashed in Lee's room, but only for a couple of hours. When I woke up, I thought you might...."
"Be having a hard time?"
She shrugged, but didn't answer.
"I was," he told her. "Mostly because I was worried about you. There are times you remind me so much of Iilya. You are beautiful and determined and you care so much. But she didn't have the strength she needed to manage those emotions, and she didn't know when to admit that. You're strong enough, Kara. Not just for what's left of the world, but for what's inside yourself as well. You care enough to worry about an old man, and you don't even realize how special that is. Someone needs to be worrying about you, too."
"I'm fine," she hedged, the blush on her pale skin both obvious and charming. "Really. Remember, tougher than I look?"
"Kara, you don't have to do it alone. Please remember that. I'm always here to listen, and I'm sure Lee would make the same offer. He worries about you, too. Why do you think you pull more patrols than anyone else in the squad?"
"Because I'm the best he has?" she offered with half a grin.
"There is that," William agreed. "But also because you need to fly, and Lee knows that. If you let him, he'll take care of you."
She looked at him for a long moment, her expression unreadable. "You're not starting to play match-maker, are you?" she asked.
"I've always wanted you for a daughter," he told her with a soft smile, hoping she didn't know how serious he was about the subject. "But no, I'm not pushing. Although grandchildren would be wonderful."
"I'd rather fly than make babies," she told him honestly. "I'll serve the fleet that way if you don't mind."
With a soft expression he let her off the hook. "I don't mind. You fly better than anyone I've ever seen. Every time I see you fly, I miss it a little more. Damned eyesight took that from me, but I can still appreciate a beautiful flight. Think of me once in a while when you're out there. I'm not getting any younger."
She finally gave him a true smile. "Nope, you're getting older. Day after tomorrow, isn't it?"
"How do you remember these things?" he asked with a slight blush. Even Iilya had trouble remembering his birthday, although she remembered Lee's and Zak's with amazing accuracy.
"ZaK," she told him, but her smile didn't fade. "He planned the wedding so that he'd be sure to get in a birthday party while you were on leave. He said he hadn't been able to do it in years, and you couldn't refuse to show up to his wedding."
"I hate parties," William said with a wry grin, pleased that she was smiling despite the reference to his youngest son. "And he knew it."
"Parties are good," she told him with a wink. "They keep you young."
"Don't even think it, young lady," he told her with mock severity that wasn't nearly as feigned as he wanted it to be. He really did hate parties.
"Hey, I didn't say a word." She looked at her wrist and her face fell slightly. "Or did I say way too many? I've kept you up all night."
"I'm not on duty today," he told her with reassurance. "Saul's gift to me, so to speak. He and Kelly are covering the shifts so I get to sleep." He glanced over at the rumpled bed, which had yet to actually be put to real use. "Too bad they couldn't finagle a sedative to go with it."
"Well, try anyway," she suggested as she stood. This time her expression was beyond grimace or wince, she was stiff and hurting.
"Are you okay?" he asked, rising to take her arm and steady her. She flinched slightly from even his gentle grip.
"I overdid it in the gym," she admitted. "Trying to tire out enough to sleep. It worked, I guess, but I don't recommend it."
"Does Lee know? You shouldn't be in a cockpit when you're this stiff."
"He caught the fallout," she told him. "I'm sure he's figured it out and adjusted schedules accordingly. Knowing him he'll steal the patrol; he hasn't been in the air for a month.
"Then it sounds like he deserves it. You need some sleep as well."
"Good night, Commander."
He glared at her pointedly, wondering if they needed to have this discussion once again.
"Sorry," she said with a wry smile. "Good night, Bill."
"Better. Good night, Kara." He reached out to touch her cheek, soft and warm and alive. Then he leaned forward and kissed her gently on the forehead. She was a good person; good enough to care for an old man, and to put others before herself. The sad part was that she didn't even know it, and no one around her would appreciate it.
She left quickly, and only much later would he realize that she was probably trying not to be seen, not to fuel further rumors that would make their lives a living hell.
William Adama was awake a long time after she'd left him there. His mind was as active as it had been before she'd arrived, but the thoughts were on a far more current level. Was he pushing Kara towards Lee? Was that a good thing? Was he trying to live vicariously through his son? Would Lee and Kara even make a decent couple. They had a hell of a lot in common, and an understanding of one another that he doubted even they could comprehend. He had seen what misunderstandings could do to a relationship, and it was something that they would never have to cope with. For that reason if no other, the two of them should at least be considering the possibilities.
The questions seemed an endless circle, but one that he could at least concentrate on while lying down. He did so, plumping his pillow and covering himself as warmly as possible in the bed. Lords, he missed having a woman in his arms. Not just for the sex; he was old enough that he'd nearly forgotten what that was like. But he remembered Iilya's warmth against him, the way she kept the cold of the night at bay and made him feel - whatever his limitations as a husband or father - that he was at least a man.
Somewhere between memory and concern, he began to drift. Images of his sons overlapped with Kara and Iilya laughing, children playing, and nuclear weapons exploding. The chaos never really sorted itself out - never assumed a clear meaning - but finally it faded to black and William Adama was able to sleep.