Kara reached for her helmet just as soon as the lift started coming down. She was tired, irritable, and otherwise put out by the long patrol. She was never at her best after sitting for ten hours straight, and until she had both some food and the use of the head, things weren't going to get any better.
Thankfully, there was no one between her and those two necessities. She had her flight suit off, her business taken care of, and was seated before a full plate in the dining hall before she was faced with anything to challenge her peace of mind. Unfortunately, the thing posing that challenge was the one that she was most likely to blow up about.
"Hey."
His voice was soft, uncertain, and unexpected. Kara swallowed and then looked up into Lee's eyes. She didn't know what his problem was – wasn't sure she wanted to know – but she knew he must be upset about something. Without bothering to speak, she gestured to the seat in front of her. She figured that things could only get so uncomfortable in a public location.
"How was the flight?" he asked.
"Read the report," she told him after she'd swallowed, and then she promptly filled her mouth again.
He took a deep breath and let it out as a sigh. "We need to talk," he told her.
Great. The four words most certain to destroy any relationship, if that was what they had. Hell, she didn't even know. "Do you tell me why you spent the night in the ready room?" she asked between bites, trying to make the curiosity in her voice seem non-threatening and not really managing.
"Yeah," he acknowledged. "If you want."
She paused at that. Lee wasn't meeting her eyes, but there was something in his posture that made her feel like he was the victim here, and it ticked her off. She wasn't going to let him put this on her. "You're the one that wouldn't sleep in your own bed," she reminded him. "And you're the one who didn't show up this morning."
"This morning?" he said innocently.
She blushed, but she'd be damned if she'd tell him that not getting a kiss before flying had bothered her. "Never mind."
She was grateful when he didn't pursue the thought. "Can you meet me in my office when you're done?" he requested. That was what saved him, so far as she was concerned. He didn't order or demand… he asked with genuine uncertainty. He wasn't taking her capitulation for granted. Wise man.
"Give me ten minutes," she requested.
He nodded, and without another word he stood and left the dining hall. Kara stared at her meal for a while longer, and then finally picked it up and took it to the trash. She couldn't have kept it down even if she'd managed to force it past the tightness in her throat. Lee was going to end… whatever the hell they had. She didn't want it to end. She didn't know what it was, or where she wanted it to go, but she knew that she wasn't ready to try to manage on her own just yet. Lee was solid, and he had let her lean on him without making her feel weak. Lords, she was going to miss that.
She walked slowly to his office, not wanting to hear what he had to say. She knew it wouldn't be good. Just this morning she had been faced with a taste of managing without him in her life – waking alone, running alone, and working alone – and while she was more than capable of it, she'd found it hollow. She didn't need Lee in her life, but damn-it, she wanted him there. She liked having something comfortable to fall back on, and if that was horrible than so was she.
Stepping through the open hatch to his office, she pulled it closed behind her. Lee was behind his desk, working on something and not bothering to look up at first. She waited, determined to not show how insecure she was feeling. She was not going to let him intimidate her. She wasn't going to get upset, and she wasn't going to be childish. They had begun this relationship as adults, and she fully intended to end it the same way. But Lords, it really hurt.
When he still didn't look up after a couple of minutes, she cleared her throat. "You wanted to see me?" she asked.
He wrote something more, then looked up at her for a moment. He gestured to the chair behind her, but she shook her head. She wasn't going to take this lying down, or even sitting down. He seemed to realize that, because he stood up and leaned against the wall behind him rather than continuing to stare up at her. She might not be giving an inch, but neither was he.
"I wanted to apologize for leaving last night," he finally said. "At the time… well, I've had a chance to think about it, and it was the wrong thing to do. Ignoring this isn't going to make it go away."
She nodded as an acknowledgement, but she wasn't going to tell him that it was okay. "Make what go away?" she asked, and was pleased that her voice was so steady.
"I was… upset. But leaving was childish, just like not showing up this morning. If we're going to… We can't fix this if we don't talk about it. I guess I just need to find out if you want to bother fixing it."
Now she was lost. "Fix it?" she asked. "Fix what?"
"Last night," he told her. "When I… When you said…" He broke off, just staring at her.
"When I what?" she asked in frustration. "When I camped out in your bed? I mean, if you wanted me out, it's your room. Just say the word, Lee, and I…"
"Not that," he said, cutting her off. But there was something odd in his expression now. "You know you're always welcome in my bed. And I don't mind you nagging me to sleep; hell, if you didn't I'd probably never get any rest. Having you there is what makes that stupid bed worth getting into."
He wasn't making any sense. "So what did I do?" she asked, and she hated the way that her voice seemed so uncertain. But that was how she felt.
The odd look hadn't left his face, and his head tilted to the side as though an idea had just occurred to him. "Kara… what do you remember about last night?" he asked softly.
It seemed like a stupid question. She had been stone sober, if tired, and there was no reason she should be blacking out. What had she missed? "I remember hassling you about working so late," she admitted, thinking this nagging might be what had upset him. "And then… I guess I fell asleep waiting for you to come in. I remember that you did, and we…" She looked at the floor for a moment, unwilling to elaborate. "And then I woke up alone."
Lee looked at her for a long moment, his face unreadable. "I came to bed, and we made love," he said softly.
"That's what I meant," she admitted, and felt the red flushing her cheeks. Sex was so much easier to do than to talk about.
He shook his head at that. "We made love, and I said…" He paused a moment, his eyes closing, and she could see the pain there. "You told me you loved Zak," he finally said. "You were naked, in my arms, and I was in you – and you said that you loved Zak."
Oh Lords. She wasn't sure what had happened – she'd been so tired – but the look on his face told her that he wasn't making this up. Why she'd done it, she had no idea. "Was I dreaming?" she asked in a small voice. If she'd done it – and she had no reason to doubt him – then she must have hurt him. She had never meant that… She hadn't even known she'd done it.
"Were you?" he asked, and there was more than a little accusation in his voice. "Is that… Do you pretend I'm him?"
If his voice hadn't been shaking, she would have hit him for that. But he believed it. For some stupid reason, he acted like this was a competition between him and Zak, and it was nothing of the sort. Yes, she had loved Zak, but as guilty as it made her feel, she rarely even thought of him anymore. Lee filled her mind and kept her steady, not the memory of Zak, but the reality of his older brother. She hadn't planned it that way, but it simply was.
"If you do," he continued. "I need to know. I know we haven't made any promises to one another, and if… if I'm just filling in, than I'd rather you found someone else to do it."
It wasn't just his voice shaking now. She could see his hands on the wall, almost holding him up. She just wanted to hold him – have him hold her – and pretend none of this had ever happened. As far as she was concerned, it hadn't. "Lee, I have never – ever – thought of Zak when I was with you. Not like that, anyway. You're not replacing anyone, and if I said… I can't even believe that I said that."
"You think I'd lie about it?" he asked, and there was more pain in his voice than she'd ever heard. Oh Lords, had she done that?
"No," she admitted. "There wouldn't be a point. Lee, I don't know. Maybe it was a dream, but if it was I don't remember it. And I'm not saying that you didn't hear it, but I swear I don't understand it any more than you do."
His eyes closed, as though he couldn't bear to look at her, and she felt her heart crack a little if not actually break. "I don't know what to think," he said. "But I know what I heard. And whether you meant to say it or not, or know you said it or not, I'm not naïve enough to think that it didn't mean something. Maybe you're not consciously comparing us, but…"
"I've compared you," she told him through gritted teeth. She hadn't wanted to go into this. Zak was dead – gone – and she hadn't wanted anyone to know… But she couldn't let Lee think that she was finding him lacking when he had given her more than any other man had in her life.
"I see," he told her quietly.
"No, you don't," she corrected. "Lee, you're right. We do need to talk. But I'm not going to do it standing across the room from you with a desk between us. If you want to hear this, then we need to settle in because it's a frakking long story."
"I don't want to hear about your time with Zak," he said softly.
"And I don't want to tell you," she countered. "But you need to know that… Lee, yes I loved him, but there was a lot beneath the surface that no one saw. Will you please give me a chance to explain this?"
He stood there for so long that she thought he was going to tell her "no." But he didn't. After several interminable minutes, he stepped to the side and opened the hatch into his sleeping quarters. She released a breath, and followed his gesture into the room she had so recently felt was nearly her own. The covers were still mussed from the morning, and it was nearly too much for her. Lee took a seat at the foot of the bed, sitting rigidly straight. She took her seat at the head of the bed, pulling a pillow onto her lap and resting against the bed's shelf as she hugged the softness against her. She didn't even realize that it was Lee's pillow. "Go ahead," he told her softly. "Say what you need to."
Where to start? She wondered. "First of all, I want this clear. I did love Zak. He was the first man who really saw me as more than one of the guys, and I would have loved him for that even if I didn't love him for anything else. But Lee, Zak wasn't perfect. He was young, and… maybe a little selfish. I don't know. It was something I just accepted at the time."
"Accepted?" Lee asked. He looked completely confused, and she realized that she wasn't making herself clear.
"Lee, Zak and I did… make love. But as for comparisons, don't worry. He… I know he didn't mean to… but…"
"But what?" Lee asked in frustration.
"But it hurt," she said softly. "He wasn't… gentle. He wasn't mean or anything, but he was young and quick, and I don't think he realized how strong he was. Usually after, I was… pretty bruised up. It was nothing I couldn't handle, but that didn't mean it was my idea of a good time."
"He hurt you?" Lee asked. He didn't look like he believed her.
"I don't think it was deliberate," she said softly, but she wasn't looking Lee in the eye now. "He just… When he was… He didn't think much about his partner. And part of it was my fault, because I didn't tell him it was…" She shook her head. She couldn't explain to him what she hadn't understood herself. "I was afraid he'd leave me if I complained," she admitted. "And it wasn't so bad. I… got used to it."
"Got used to it?" His voice was incredulous.
"Lee, the first time you and I made love, yes I compared. It's only normal to compare what you're doing with previous knowledge. When you fly a new Viper, you always compare it to what the old one felt like. It's not conscious, but you do it."
Lee didn't say a word, but he blushed. Apparently, talking about this wasn't any easier for him than it was for her.
"I compared Lee, but only that first time. Because… there wasn't a comparison. When you kissed me, you didn't split my lip. And when you touched me you didn't leave bruises. And you always waited until I was… ready instead of just… doing it as soon as you could get my pants off. You never hurt me. I didn't know it could…be like that. I didn't even know I could really enjoy it. Zak always did, and it… helped him sometimes to calm down or hold together. And afterwards he held me, and that kind of made up for it. I'd never been that… close to anyone. And I figured that anything good had a tradeoff. That first time with you and I, that's what it was about. I just wanted to… give you something. I didn't know I'd get anything back except maybe a hug. And you were so damned gentle it caught me off guard. You always are."
Lee was still sitting silently, but he wasn't looking at her now. "Was he… always that way."
She gave a shrug. "Sometimes more than others," she said. "Remember, it was never deliberate. I don't think he even realized that I wasn't… with him. He was a little self-centered, but most men are at his age. And he was…" she took a breath before continuing. "Lee, he was no rougher than anyone else I'd slept with, so I didn't really know anything was wrong with it. I didn't have girlfriends to ask, or a mother to go to. My friends were men, and they talked about how fast, how hard, and how many. I guess I thought it was supposed to be that way. I think Zak thought that, too."
Lee shook his head. "Our dad taught us better than that," he said softly. "He always said women were to be treasured and treated with respect."
"He did," Kara assured him. "It was just… in the bedroom. In everything else, he was pretty terrific. And he told me he loved me," she explained. "No one had ever said that to me. He said it a lot, like he was afraid I would forget. At first I was too surprised to say anything back, but once I'd… said it to him… the look on his face… We said it to one another a lot," Kara said softly. "Usually he said it first, because I didn't think about it. But I really believe he did."
"So you were willing to put up with getting beat-up in the bed every night just so someone would tell you he loved you?"
She waited until he looked her in the eye before she answered. When she finally had that sharp blue gaze on her face, she spoke. "He was gentler than anyone else had ever been," she said clearly. "I had no idea… Until you and I… Lee, I didn't know. You're the one who taught me there was more to it than heavy breathing and a lot of sweat. I don't think I could deal with it now that I know what it's supposed to be like, though. At the very least, I think I'd… speak up if it was hurting. You've spoiled me that way."
"Were there…?" he paused and seemed to think a moment. "Were there a lot of men before Zak?"
Well, if he wanted to know, she'd tell him. Honesty seemed to be the rule of the day. "Just two," she said softly. "The first was at the end of secondary school. It started as just playing around with one of the Triad players, and it got out of hand. I think that was the worst time, but maybe it's because it was my first. He was big on grabbing, and he never did take his pants off. He didn't talk to me afterwards, either. That was fine with me. I didn't have anything I wanted to say.
"The second time was in college. He was… a charmer. I figured it was all lines, but what the hell. He didn't bother with taking off clothes or even a little bit of groping before. Hell, he didn't bother with lying down. As I remember it, he didn't bother asking permission. After that, I stayed clear of guys in bars, and I worked on my left cross. I've used it more than once."
"He raped you?" Lee said in shock.
She shook her head. "No, not… I don't think I would have told him no, but he just didn't take the time to ask so I felt a little… used. I didn't like the feeling. I found out later that it had been a bet. Someone had said that I preferred girls, and he put money on my sleeping with guys. Maybe that's why he didn't really ask. I don't think it would have mattered, though. I was pretty drunk."
"And Zak?"
She smiled softly in remembrance. "We went out a few times," she said. "He didn't grope or make any suggestions, so I wasn't even sure he was interested in more than friendship. After a couple of weeks he started catching me in corners and kissing me. From there… it progressed. He was fairly gentle at first, but then he got… more aroused. That's when he stopped paying attention. After the first time, I didn't expect to see him again. I was really surprised when he was still there the next morning. He acted like that was how it should be. He wanted to do it again, but I was pretty sore so it was a couple of days before we got that far again. After a while, I got used to it. I didn't… enjoy it, but there were worse things in life.
"When he asked me to marry him it was… I couldn't believe it. I mean, someone wanted me. That had never happened, Lee. My folks ditched me when I was a kid, and the homes that the government stuck me in only took me because they had to. Granted, I wasn't an easy kid to like, but I guess it still bothered me that no one tried to… get past it. Zak was the first person who really did. I didn't want to lose him, and if that meant being a little sore a couple times a week, or wearing long sleeves to cover a couple of bruises, then it seemed a pretty small price to pay."
Kara looked away from Lee's gaze. She couldn't figure out for the life of her what he was thinking. She'd never told anyone all that. Hell, she hadn't thought of it in years, and now she'd spilled her life story. Oh well, she decided. It was done. If Lee left now, which she was pretty sure he would, then at least he knew who he as leaving. He opened his mouth to speak, closed it, and shook his head as he looked down. The silence was making her crazy.
"So, any questions?" she asked. "If you have them, ask now. I don't plan to talk about this again. Ever."