Lee looked around his room and tried to get rid of the nervous energy that seemed to be pervading him. It was silly, he decided. He and Kara had been together a hundred times before. He had nothing to be nervous about. But he was.
The knock at his door made him jump, and he shook his head. Dumb, he decided. Very dumb. To begin with, Kara had never needed to knock, and after that, it wasn't as though she'd never been in his room. It was practically hers as well, or it had been. He still had her toothbrush in his locker and the t-shirt she liked to sleep in under his pillow. Okay, so he was sentimental. He could live with it.
"Anybody home?" she asked as she stuck her head through the hatchway.
"I'm here," he said, but he found it difficult to move. It was awkward, because they had never been tentative around one another. From the first time they'd come together, it had been pure energy and affection tempered by very little conscious thought. They had never felt the need to be embarrassed around one another. But now, after so long apart, he wasn't sure how to act or what was expected.
She stepped through the hatch, closing it behind her and bracing it with the bar he'd found for that purpose. Then she moved towards him, her expression as uncertain as his, and her smile positively shy. It was as un-Kara-like as anything he'd ever seen.
Shaking his head, he finally decided that enough was enough. He stepped forward and slipped his arms around her, drawing her head to his chest and rubbing his other hand up and down her back. Kara sighed at the sensation, hugging him back with more strength than finesse. It felt good to know that she'd missed him as much as he'd missed her. It also felt good to have her against him. Nearly the same height, they lined up perfectly; she felt right.
He just held her for a very long time. In all honesty, for him it was more about having her in his life than in his bed. Yes, he loved to be with her in all ways, but he'd learned that she was more than a lover. She was his stability, just as he seemed to be hers.
"Can we lie down?" she asked. Her voice was soft, tentative. He never had been able to deny her.
Reluctantly he released her and led her by the hand to his bed. At the side, he unbuckled her coveralls and helped her ease out of them, leaving her in no more than her underwear. Then he stripped off his day uniform so that he was dressed – or undressed – in a similar manner. She had already kicked off her running shoes, shoved his covers out of the way, and had taken her place on the far side of the bed. He lay down next to her, not sure what she expected. He didn't want to just pounce on her, but if she wanted to… well, he certainly was ready, willing, and able. Lords, he'd missed her.
As soon as his head hit the pillow, Kara bridged the distance between them and lay down half atop him. With her head oh his chest, her hand beneath his shirts and lying on his stomach, and her knee tucked between his, Kara was at home. He wrapped his arms around her, enjoying the tickling sensation of her hair in his face. He had always realized how right she felt, but until now he hadn't realized how much he needed that sensation. He needed a place to belong, and this was it.
The words were out before he thought about it. "I love you," he said softly, and then squeezed his eyes closed in regret. Shit, this was what had gotten him into trouble in the first place. But somehow he had a hard time not expressing the emotion when she was in his arms. He'd missed her, and he needed her to know that on an unconscious level. He did love her, and in many ways beyond the obvious.
"I…I love you, too," she said carefully. Then, she lifted her head to meet his eyes. He gazed into sparkling hazel as he heard her words. "I'm not sure I know what it means, but I do. Is that good enough?"
He smiled at that. How could she still feel she wasn't good enough for him when he was the one who kept screwing up? "How about we learn together," he suggested.
She smiled at that, snuggling down into his arms again with a sigh. He had to agree. Yes, he wanted to make love with her. He'd missed her body as much as her mind and her encouragement, but for now it was enough to have her in his arms. She felt right there, and he didn't want to let go even long enough to pull back to kiss her. He just wanted to hold on. Kara didn't seem to mind. In fact, within moments her breathing had taken on the soft, heavy regularity that she only achieved in sleep. He peeked down at her, smiling when he saw the peaceful expression on her face. With her energy banked, her body still, she was even more precious to him. So few people ever saw this side of her; he felt honored to have the privilege. He was even more honored that she trusted him so completely after what they'd been through. It was like being given a gift.
Moments later, he followed her into sleep. It wasn't hard to do. Lulled by her regular breathing and encouraged by a week of fitful sleep and overwork, he held tight and slipped into oblivion, loving her in his dreams as they hadn't taken time to do awake.
Kara woke slowly, warm and soft and comfortable for the first time that she could remember. She nuzzled into her solid, warm pillow and recognized the resiliency of Lee's chest almost as quickly as she realized she wasn't on her bunk. Lee's chest. Lee's room. Lee holding her. She smiled involuntarily. Everything was right in her world, and she was smart enough to know it.
She shifted slightly, stretching to relieve the stiffness of being in one position for too long. It wasn't the easiest thing to do with Lee wrapped around her, but she didn't mind. She was just grateful to be there.
As she moved about, she became aware of several other things. To begin with, she wasn't absolutely exhausted. She wasn't completely rested either, but she felt far better than she had in a long while. Next, she realized that Lee was moving slightly, shifting as she had, stretching stiff muscles.
"Morning," she said softly, raising herself up to look at him. Neither of them had turned off the light the night before, so she found herself staring at the bluest eyes she'd ever seen. Those eyes had always gotten to her.
"Good morning," he replied, giving her a gentle squeeze. "What time is it?"
She stretched sideways to get a look at his clock. "Oh-six-forty," she told him. "I'm on shift at ten."
"I'm off today," he told her.
She grinned. "So we have… some time?" she asked in her most innocent voice.
He smiled back, and it was nearly devilish. "Oh, yeah," he told her. With that, she found herself rolled over and tucked beneath a body that was surprisingly heavy for its leanness. He was strong and muscular, and he made her feel safe. Even beneath him, with his knee between her legs and her body pinned, she felt no fear, only anticipation.
He didn't kiss her right away, as she had expected him to do. He ran his lips along her hairline, down her cheek, over her nose, and down to her chin in a brushing, rubbing kiss that kept her entranced. Once he'd made it to her neck, sucking and nibbling gently, he worked his way back up to her lips. She got to the point to where she just wanted him to kiss her and get it done. She even moved and wiggled beneath him, trying to encourage him to move his lips up… up… just a little more…
When he raised his head, he just smiled at her, and she knew he was playing with her. She wasn't sure how she felt about it though. She wanted him – needed him – and goofing around wasn't what she was looking for at the moment. "Kiss me," she told him. "Please."
He was more than happy to oblige, and he proceeded to do so both deeply and thoroughly. As always, she was struck by his gentleness, but now she had to wonder if it was just the way he was, or if it was a reaction to what she'd told him about her past. She supposed it didn't really matter. She enjoyed it, he was smiling, and that seemed to be enough.
For the longest time he just kissed her. Lips first, and then gentle sucking hisses down her collar-bone and around the neckline of her shirts. He stroked down her arm before his kisses went that direction, nibbling on her fingers when he got there, and then across to her waist. By the time he finally nuzzled the fabric of her shirts away, his lips beginning a path back up on bare skin rather than cloth, her breathing was getting erratic and she could swear he must be able to hear her heartbeat.
She wasn't completely still under his hands and lips. She did her fair share of stroking as well, down to his waist, and up under his shirt so that she could enjoy the feel of his back as he moved over her. The wiry strength always caught her by surprise as she felt the bunch and pull of muscles beneath skin, and as always she was amazed at just how warm his body was.
And then she stopped thinking. His mouth had found one breast, and the sensations he was creating were making her insane. At her gasp, she felt him smile, his tongue flicking around the nipple before he settled in to suck on her long and hard. He wasn't hurting her, but the feeling was so close to the edge of pain that she knew he wasn't holding back because of what he'd been told. That reassured her as his words could not. It hadn't changed the way he felt about her, and it wouldn't change the way he treated her.
By the time he'd finished giving her other breast the same thorough treatment as the first, she'd managed to claw and pull his shirts up over his head, freeing her to look and touch without any barrier. He'd done the same thing with her, tossing her shirts over one shoulder before coming back to her with something bordering on reverence.
He was the only man who had ever made her feel this way, as though she was precious and valued and loved. Before him, sex had been an act of physical release that she had forced herself to tolerate. It hadn't always been awful, and there were parts of it she had liked, but Lee was the only one who made her really want it, look forward to it. From their first time, when a simple kiss of comfort had taken on a life of its own, to the night he'd loved her half-asleep, there had been something in his touch that she needed. It had kept her coming back when she hadn't known if she should even be there. It had kept her near him even when there was nothing at all sexual in their time together.
Lee finally sated himself at her chest, and his mouth started to wander. He tickled his way down one side, sent her into a gasping arch as he nibbled over one hip, and it wasn't until her underwear were long gone that she realized he'd even been headed in that direction. Then he worked his way back up her body, licking and gently biting, kneading and caressing, until he could look her in the eye.
"Last chance," he told her with a grin. "You sure you don't want to put a knee where it will do the most good?"
She laughed at that, remembering the threat she'd made long before, under far different circumstances. "Only if you stop," she told him as her fingers slid beneath the waistband of his underwear. "If you do, I'm not responsible for my actions."
He laughed softly. "Not much chance of that," he said in a distracted voice. His eyes were already following the path his hand was taking, an as he reached her inner thigh she caught her breath. Lords, he knew just how to touch her to make her insane. And touch her he did, thoroughly, deeply. She was moving around beneath him so much that she was amazed he could even keep atop her. But somehow he managed, taking her body higher as he did so, until she thought surely she would fly apart. And then he stopped.
It took her a moment for her to catch her breath, and when she did she gave him a look of pure frustration. "What?" she asked softly.
He just grinned. "Now I get to start all over," he whispered, and proceeded to do just that. But this time, Kara wasn't idle. She let her hands roam over his chest, loving the feel of warm skin and soft hair. From there she moved her hands down his sides, kneaded his firm buttocks, and smiled as his body jerked forward to hers and his breath came in with a gasp. If he could tease, then she could do so as well.
And she did tease for a while, their voices blending with soft sighs and the occasional moan of pleasure. When her hand wrapped around him he gave a gasp, his head dropping down to her neck and his hands moving into a more supportive position. She knew what was coming next; she knew him.
"Okay, you made your point," he told her breathlessly.
"You ready to get down to business?" she asked, unable to keep the smile from her face or her voice.
He didn't answer verbally, but his body told her all she needed to know. His hips moved down, his knee shifted her legs apart, and Kara felt him come home.
Breathe, Lee thought. Inhale – one time. Just one. He managed to get in a breath of air past the physical sensation of being completely surrounded by warm and moist flesh. He had forgotten, he decided. That was it; he'd just forgotten how this felt. Never mind that it had only been a few days since they'd been together. Never mind the every time they did this it took him off guard. Never mind that he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to move again.
Her body gripped him firmly, perfectly, just as her arms held the rest of him. Her hands were not still, but roaming up and down his back, trailing over his backside, and making sure that breathing remained a concerted effort. And even at that, it was several moments before he had enough strength to move within her.
When he finally did, he found that he couldn't stop. In fact, keeping his rhythm slow and steady was the best he could manage as Kara's hands moved back to his chest, fingers trailing over nipples and making coherent thought an impossibility. He sucked in another, much-needed breath, and then he tried again. Slow, he told himself. Slow. He didn't want to hurt her…
"Lee?"
It took a moment for the words to penetrate his intensity of thought. "Hmm?" he replied, out of breath and strained to the limit.
"Go ahead," she said softly. "You won't hurt me."
He shook his head. "Don't be so sure," he gasped. At the moment, it was all he could do to remain still. He was terrified that if he moved again, he would lose all control, all reason.
"Lee?" she said more sharply. Her hands left his chest, moving up to cup his cheeks and force him to look at her. She was so beautiful there, with her hair tousled and her eyes so huge, her skin glistening with a fine layer of perspiration. "I love you," she said softly. That caught his attention, because regardless of his position, it was the first time she'd said the words without prompting. "And I trust you," she added. "You won't hurt me."
He watched her expression for a moment, looking for any sign of strain or discomfort. All he saw was a gentle smile and the most beautiful eyes he'd ever come across. "I love you, too," he told her quietly.
And then the time for talking was done. His hips moved sharply, urgently, and Kara's body answered his in a perfect counterpoint. The two of them seemed to move in perfect rhythm until he couldn't stand it a moment more. Holding his breath, he waited for her to catch up. It didn't take long. After no more than two additional thrusts, she cried out and her body tightened around his as she curled up towards him. He held her that way for a moment, still and quiet, and just enjoying the sight of her going over the edge with the knowledge that he had helped her get there.
When her body quieted, her eyes half closed and her smile still at half-mast, he started to move again. Her sigh of contentment did wonders for his ego; she might be finished, but she enjoyed letting him have his turn. It didn't take him long to go over the precipice himself, and when he did he felt Kara reach up to hold him tightly, her strong arms surrounding him as though keeping him together.
It was a long time before either of them could breathe normally. Lee had slid to his side, taking her with him. She had tucked one knee between his legs and had both arms around his body, her head against his chest. He looked down at the top of her head and couldn't resist leaving a gentle kiss there.
"I've missed this," she told him softly. "I've missed you."
"That goes both ways," he said. "But it wasn't just this." When she looked up at him, wide eyes speaking the question without words, he explained. "I love to have you close," he said gently. "But I need to know we're okay. Having you angry with me… eats away at something in me. I… need to know that you're here for me, and that you'll let me be here for you. We've lost too much, Kara. I don't think I could manage if I lost you too, either figuratively or literally."
"I know," she answered. "I just… I guess I need to know that you want me here because of me, and not because you feel sorry for me. I spent a lot of time with foster-families over the years who had taken me because of obligation or guilt. I won't be a charity case. I can't."
"You're not," he assured her with another quick kiss. "You never were. How could I feel sorry for someone who is so strong? Kara, you keep me sane around here. And I'm not just talking about when the big stuff hits the fan, but the little things too. You're there when I've had it with the pilots' complaining, and you know who to assign on what team to keep the peace. You do as much of my job as I do, and you're also the bridge that put my family back together and keep it that way." He took a moment to brush long bangs out of her eyes and tuck them behind one ear. "I don't just love you," he said softly. "I need you. And given the state of the world we live in, that scares the hell out of me."
She watched him for a moment, then put her face against his chest and pulled him tightly to her once more. "Tell me about it," she muttered. "But Lee, I'm not good at this… relationship thing. I mess up, and I don't mean to hurt you, but…"
"That's all I need to know," he said, cutting her off. "And it was as much my fault as yours, anyway. If I'd woken you up, and asked right then, we wouldn't have had a problem. Instead, I decided to sulk long enough to set you off. That was my bad judgement, not your mistake."
"So neither one of us know what we're doing?" she asked with more than a little humor in her voice.
"Maybe not," he admitted. "But I figure that if we just take our time, and do things a step at a time, we'll get through it. Think of it as a game of Pyramid. You don't show your hand before you make your bid. If you get things out of turn, they fall apart."
"So, I messed up with saying the wrong thing, then you messed up by taking it personally, and I messed up again by attacking you when you were just trying to understand."
"In a nutshell," he agreed.
She grinned up at him. "So that means you get to mess up next time. It's your turn."
He gave a gentle laugh, holding her closer to him, and gently kissing her lips. "I'm sure one of us will," he agreed. "But let's not borrow trouble.
"Sounds fair," she agreed. "We've got enough to worry about without making our own problems."
Lee didn't answer, but he nodded. A glance at the clock told him that their time was limited, but he didn't want to let go. He would have to; there was more to life than what happened in bed, but he hadn't felt this comfortable in a very long time. He glanced down at Kara again, seeing her eyes closed and her hands slack where they had come to rest against his chest. She was out cold. Carefully, he extricated himself from the bed, soothing her quietly when she moved about restlessly, and making sure that the blankets were tucked carefully around her so that the chill in the air wouldn't wake her.
Then he grabbed his underwear and uniform to dress in the head – a cramped proposition at best, but he didn't want to wake Kara. Finally, he glanced at her one last time as he slipped out his hatch and closed it back so that the room would stay quiet.
He gave the roster one quick glance to confirm where she was supposed to be, and then put a line through her name and added his own. After what he'd put her through, he figured the least he could do was let her get some sleep. She'd probably be mad at him for it – she was so damned independent – but if he could give her a few more hours of sleep then he'd do it. Besides, it was his turn to mess up, and he wouldn't want to let her do it first. Lords knew what would happen if they allowed themselves to get out of turn.
The End J