Fate: Do0t. I've started Yadonushi, but that computer's being used to watch Hellsing. Prettypretty Hellsing. Prettypretty Integra. *pets Integra* Yeah, so we're on episode 12 of that, so we'll...uh...yeah. 'Bout that. Yeah. Work on it later. We'll start the next IoV chapter while we wait. Sound good to y'all? Great.
Disclaimer: La! Yu-Gi-Oh is not ours. Nor are the snatches of song towards the end, as Mai is listening to the radio. Those belong to the Goo Goo Dolls, who Fate discovered through Lady Yami Bakura, who is a goddess. Ruoko and Lupita are, however, ours. Now continue!
"We're back!"
Ruoko looked up, then poked Lupita as Mai and Jounouchi both flopped down at their table. "What happened to you?"
"Turned into a right mosh pit," Mai said, rubbing her upper arm ruefully.
"I like mosh pits," Lupita said, finally looking intrigued.
"Actually, since we're all here and relatively sober – are you relatively sober?"
Ruoko turned a strange shade of puce. Lupita examined her nails.
"You weren't wearing lipstick when we got here," Mai finally noted, pointing at Ruoko. "Nice attempt to make it look natural. Anyway, it's good that you're still not quite smashed yet. I vote we make plans."
"What kind of plans?" Jounouchi asked nervously.
"Well, do you want to be hooked up with Seto Kaiba?" Mai inquired.
"No!"
"Well, then, either we find you a boyfriend or something – "
"I'll take girlfriends too," Jounouchi said wistfully.
"Well, either we find you someone to shag, or we find him someone to shag. You seem to be the more honorable of the pair, so if we only find you a pretty-boy or girl, then he might still randomly seduce you one day. So we'll leave that as Plan B, and go on to Plan A: find Seto Kaiba a sex-toy!" Mai announced triumphantly.
"Are we talking human sex toy or Frederick's of Hollywood sex toy?" Lupita inquired.
"Do they sell sex toys? I thought they just did sexy knickers," Mai replied, startled.
Lupita shrugged. "Dunno. I've never been. But you get the idea."
"This doesn't sound like a good idea," Ruoko said after a pause.
"Thank you," Jounouchi told him.
"And just why is that?" Lupita demanded.
"...because it's bloody ridiculous?" Ruoko suggested.
"Che," Mai said. "There is that."
"Well, look, we have to try something," Lupita told him, exasperated. "If not...well, I don't know! What else can we do, watch them mope over each other and hate each other simultaneously? If they don't want to date, then obviously they need something. So. Who's eligible?"
"What do you mean, eligible?" Jounouchi asked suspiciously.
"Who do you know who would date Seto Kaiba?" Lupita inquired.
Ruoko stuck his hand into the air and waved it around. "Me!"
Lupita smacked his hand down. "No, Ruoko. Kun," she added as a belated afterthought.
Mai snickered.
"Yeah, about that, no," Jounouchi said. "I've been attacked by psychotic people enough in my lifetime. I'd rather not go through another assault, yes?"
"Good plan," Mai agreed.
"Psychotic people?" Ruoko inquired.
"Battle City ring a bell for you people?" Jounouchi asked.
"Oh, right, you're duelists. I keep forgetting that you're famous."
"We are?" Jounouchi asked.
"You have to be kidding me, of course we are," Mai said. "You and me, Mutou-san, Kaiba-sama, Otogi-sama, Anzu-chan, the Ishtars and Bakura, all of those people...we're not so easily forgotten. And isn't Kaiba-sama doing something new...something special? Something that's got the dueling started again?" She grinned. "I'm upgrading. Are you?"
"I guess I should start," Jounouchi said, surprised. "Since I've been out of the loop for so long, I...didn't know."
"Your creepy albino friend's been lurking," Mai said. "And that Egyptian blonde, Otogi and his dice, Mutou and his spirit, and Kaiba-sama's pulling the strings."
"Don't talk that way about Bakura-kun," Jounouchi said defensively.
"Sorry. He still scares me," Mai said dismissively.
"He scares everyone," Jounouchi retorted. "He's partially a raving psychopath, and partially the sweetest person you'll ever meet."
"Maybe we should hook him up with Kaiba-sama," Mai mused.
"His yami would tear your throat out," Jounouchi informed her. "They're kind of...together."
"Are they cute together?" Lupita asked.
Jounouchi rolled his eyes. "If you like seeing pale, skinny, floofy-haired identical twins hanging off each other or beating the crap out of each other at random intervals, then they're absolutely adorable. Like kittens and puppies. Personally, I think they're damn freaky, but who am I to talk?" He slumped to the table and buried his face in his arms. "Lusting after Seto fuckin' Kaiba...now who's the freak..."
"Can I meet your freaky friends?" Lupita asked.
"No, Lupita," Ruoko said firmly. He blinked. "Chan."
Jounouchi snickered.
"Oh, out with it," Mai said. "Good for you both. Everyone's happy. What about Jounouchi-kun, here?"
"S-sorry," Ruoko stammered. "Someone to get Kaiba-sama with?"
"I like the white-haired freaks for this," Lupita said.
"You have got to be kidding me," Jounouchi deadpanned.
"I'm not. Sounds like Kaiba-sama's just looking for a quick fix in between big projects," Lupita said. "Why waste you on that when there's a perfectly good kid out there who can definitely defend himself, from the sound of it?"
"...No. Just no," Jounouchi insisted.
"Oh, come on, it's him or you," Ruoko told him.
"No it's not!"
"He'll thank you for it later!" Lupita tried.
"Now you're just getting weird," Jounouchi retorted.
"How about asking him for help? You know, since he's a friend and all?" Mai inquired.
"He's one of those distant-like friends," Jounouchi retorted. "Like you, only I didn't know him very well in the first place. He was my next choice, if you refused."
"Well then," Mai said pointedly.
"...fine, fine, fine," Jounouchi said, digging out his cell phone from some strange place on his body.
"Where exactly were you hiding that?" Lupita inquired.
"You probably don't want to know," Mai muttered as Jounouchi dialed.
"Hey...Bakura-kun? Yeah, it's me. Oh...around. Yeah. Kaiba and me? You heard? Oh God. Um. Um. Um. That's. Um. Why I'm calling. No, I'm not calling from his house and asking for a ride. Get your yami the hell off the phone. Tell him his mother was a rat whore and his father was a camel with mange. Yes, I am creative. I, um, called for a reason. ...oh. Yes. Well. Do, uh, you want to date Seto Kaiba?"
Jounouchi immediately held the phone away from his ear and winced. Less than a second later, the entire table could hear Ryou screaming, "No, I do not! What the hell?! Jesus! Ack, Yami, get off! No! I'm not dating a fucking rich playboy! I'd rather be a rich playboy! Shut up, Yami! Mmmph! Yam-meef!" There was a loud clattering noise, a very girly squeak, then Ryou apparently grabbed the phone back. "And that's a no! Can I do anything else, Jounouchi-kun? Anything?!"
"Even just for a week or so?" Jounouchi wheedled.
"Nooooooooo!"
Jounouchi winced. "Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry! Don't let your yami kill me! Wait, would your yami kill him? That could work!"
"Hey, he's setting up a new dueling thing, don't kill him!" Mai called.
"Oh, right. New dueling thing," Jounouchi repeated. "Mai-chan said she saw you lurking. You're upgrading? Ohh...what'd you get?" He snorted. "You and your Earl of Demise. They have a new spin on the Ouija Board? God help us all." He sighed. "Uh huh. Yeah. So do you have any suggestions?" Pause. "I meant with Kaiba, but that works too. My Baby Dragon fucking works fine, and you know it! Yeah, well, you did jack shit on Duelist Kingdom. No, protesting that you were stuck in a card doesn't count. I don't buy it anyway. You were freakin' evil. Anyway, anything I can do about Kaiba?" Pause. "Waiting it out might not work. Mai-chan and Lupita-san say that he's trying to get laid in between projects. I am not taking him to a whorehouse! Oh, shut it!"
Mai rolled her eyes. Boys.
"So that's out," Jounouchi said after he got off the phone. "I still volunteer," Ruoko said after a pause. "Ow!" he added when Lupita smacked him.
"That's also right out," Mai continued. "Look, boys and girls, we're not going to get anything else done tonight. The mosh pit is starting to infringe on our table. I'm heading out, as it's about five in the morning."
"Can I get a ride?" Jounouchi jumped up. "Please?"
"You're asking to drive with me again," Mai said, shaking her head. "You're insane."
"...yeah, I guess," Jounouchi agreed with a shrug. "I'm not surprised."
"About what?" Mai inquired.
Jounouchi shrugged. "Nothin'. We going?"
"Yeah. Lupita-san?" Mai asked, looking back.
"Ah, we're going to stay," Lupita said. "We'll be seeing you...when we see you," she finished absently with a wave.
"Good night," Mai called as she and Jounouchi escaped the club.
"Ulp," Jounouchi announced on seeing her car.
"Oh, come on, you survived the ride up here with barely a complaint. What's going on?" Mai asked.
"Maybe it's being in an enclosed area with such a lovely woman that distracts me from all other things," Jounouchi suggested.
Mai gave him a skeptical look.
"Or maybe I'm getting used to it?" Jounouchi added.
Again with the skeptical look.
"Well, honestly, what else can I say? I like fast cars?" Jounouchi demanded.
"Good enough," Mai agreed, and climbed in.
After dropping Jounouchi off, she sped back to her own house and staggered in through the door. The heat was starting to become unbearable as the sun began to rise.
"Nnng..." she whimpered as she wandered over to the air conditioner and gave it a couple shots with her fist. It turned back on with a sullen growl, spitting warm air at her face.
Sighing, she stripped off her skirt and shirt, then dropped her knickers in a pile on the floor as she staggered into the shower.
"So...hot..." she complained as she flicked the radio on and turned the water on to cold.
"He-ey, you never made it, now ain't that unusual! I'd love to be you...at least then I'd see you!"
She made a face under the icy spray, then ducked her head under the shower head, reaching for the soap. She scrubbed at her skin and face, watching as the glitter and makeup sluiced off of her and down the drain.
"Damn," she muttered, lowering herself to sit under the spray, knees drawn up to her chest. She pulled her hair over one shoulder so it wouldn't drag on the floor, then closed her eyes. Better than any piece-of-shit air conditioner, and cheaper, too, she reflected. Oh, what am I doing? Trying to hook up albino freaks and random coffee house boys with Kaiba to get him away from Jounouchi? I thought I'd forgotten this when I forgot him...
She shook her head violently, standing back up with a flourish. I never forgot him. I just wished I could. I do like him. Always have. Always will. But...but I shouldn't have to deal with this. He'll find himself a nice boyfriend...wait, is he gay? He...kind of protested us hooking him up with another boy... She sighed impatiently, then reluctantly turned the shower off as her fingers began to prune. She toweled herself off slowly, then reached for the lotion as she wandered through her apartment to sit in front of the A/C. The radio was still blasting, her multitude of speakers echoing through the apartment. She hummed along with the latest song as she rubbed lotion on her legs, examining the nail polish on her toes. Oooh. Time for a new coat. I'm thinking blue. She sighed. "This distraction thing? Not working," she told herself. "Time for a new plan for Jounouchi-kun...and time for a new plan for me."
She got up, tossed the lotion back in the basin, and tugged a shirt over her body. She then flopped back on the couch, her hair hanging to the floor, and stared at the ceiling.
"I'm all out of ideas," she murmured. "Gawd, I need freaking Valium!" She rummaged through her purse and grabbed out the prescription bottle, then downed her dose. Rubbing at her eyes, she tossed the bottle across the room, and slumped back on the couch to await sleep.
"So far away...so far away...so far away..." the radio wailed as her eyes drifted shut.
Fluffy: We couldn't help but poke at PM-sama's wonderful fic, Fairydust. ^_^;; We heart chyuu, PM-sama. No, really. Don't look at us like that! Nooooo! *scampers away*
Kitten: Heh, well, here it is.
Sailor Epyon: I feel flattered! ^_^
Hotaru-Yuugijou: I have much lub for your name. I'm glad you liked it!
Liviana: Hee! Not telling...and yes, they are. By the way, I owe you a oneshot fic, I do. Email me or IM me, it's all in my profile. *grin*
schizothief: Oooh, Oreos...and Shiny!Jounouchi is a lot of fun. Shiiiiiny.
Duel: Ahem. That was better. But you can do even better than THAT. Really. ^_^