A/N: Hey, I'm on a roll with updates! Evan, to answer your question about
the Jack/Doug action...don't feel sorry for them. In my effort to keep this
story PG-13, I'm forced to leave most of the details up to the imagination,
but they're definitely having their fun, LOL! (And between you and me, in
my experience, my attempts at writing sex scenes usually end up being
laughable.) Kel, your review made me smile. And you read my mind about
having some Pacey/Ben interaction. Thanks for the enthusiasm! Yelak,
sweetie, you're always a bright spot. I'm so glad you're liking it! OK,
onward and (hopefully) upward...
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"So you must be pretty brave. Brave or stupid, which is it?" Pacey adjusted the rearview mirror so he could see the kid, who was staring out the window at the darkened streets of Capeside as they drove through town toward his house.
Ben briefly met Pacey's eyes in the mirror, then looked away, keeping his expression carefully neutral. "What do you mean?"
"I think you know what I mean. I mean my brother's not someone you want as an enemy, and you seem to be doing everything you can to stay on his bad list. Not to mention Andy, Jack, and me, for that matter. So what is it, do you just enjoy the challenge?"
"What challenge is that?" Ben asked, a defensive edge creeping into his voice.
"Of winning your best friend's girl."
"With all due respect, Mr. Witter, you don't know what you're talking about."
"One might assume as much, but if you want to know the truth I probably understand more than anyone else you know. Anyway, I have a question for you. If Amy means so much to you, why do you keep dragging her into your messes?"
"That's not what I'm trying to do. I'm...I care about her."
"So much so that you give her ecstasy to lift her spirits when she's in a bad mood? That you drink and get behind the wheel with her in the car? So much that you drive a wedge between her and everyone who loves her?"
"I love her."
Pacey glanced at Ben in the mirror again. For a brief, powerful moment, he saw himself at sixteen, his worldly and wise bravado belying the fact that he'd spent his entire short life in this sheltered little seaside town, his intentions good and noble but constantly failing, a human train wreck...knowing the pain of first love and what it could do to a person who fell into it without warning...the bittersweet pill that you swallow for better or worse when you lose a friend and gain in return something so uncertain, so unknown, so exhilarating...
The feeling vanished as quickly as it had washed over him, but Pacey was jolted by it, by a sudden intense clarity about the boy in his backseat, an empathy that hadn't existed even just moments before. They rode the rest of the way in silence.
When Pacey pulled into the Chambers' driveway, Ben cleared his throat almost nervously and said in a tone that was somehow admirably strong and vulnerable at the same time, "I know you're going to believe what you want, but please know that I'm not trying to hurt Amy. I'd never do anything to hurt her on purpose. I just...I just want to make her happy." He trailed off, cleared his throat again, and muttered, "Thanks for the ride."
"Hey, kid," Pacey said suddenly. Ben paused with his hand on the door handle and looked at him expectantly. "You think you know everything there is to know, don't you? But let me tell you, you've got a lot to learn. It doesn't matter how many times you screw up or how many people are expecting you to screw up. What matters is that you don't get so beaten down by the screw-ups that you forget there's time to do things right. It just takes some people longer than others."
Ben hesitated, as if waiting for more. "Thanks," he said after a moment, and then got out of the car and shut the door. He stood there and watched with an expression that was close to awe as Pacey backed out of the driveway and headed down the street.
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Andrew still wouldn't answer the phone. Maybe he was asleep. Amy rolled over on her stomach and looked at the big red numbers of the clock radio. 2:39. It would make sense that he would be asleep, but somehow she didn't think so. Somehow she was sure he was lying awake in his room, just four houses away, listening to the repetitive buzz of his cell phone and too angry and resentful to pick it up and see what she wanted. And hurt. More than anything he was probably hurt.
And he had every right to be. Especially since his fears and insecurities had all played out in full glory tonight as she and Ben sat under the star- dazzled sky at the beach. She couldn't remember who had leaned in for the first kiss, but she could remember being overcome by the moment, the soft, strong, familiar lips against hers, enjoying the sweet taste of him as equally oppressive clouds of guilt, desire, sadness, and excitement fought for control of her heart.
For now, the guilt was winning by a landslide. "Oh Andy, I don't want you to hate me. I don't want to do this to you." She spoke the words aloud to the ceiling, feeling more tears stinging behind her closed eyelids. "But what else can I do? I made the wrong choice."
It had seemed right at first. She had convinced herself beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was right. Andy was her best friend, after all, and she did love him, and he loved her. It was safe and comfortable and, in the beginning, even exciting to explore a new room in the well-worn household of their lifelong friendship. But when it started to unravel, when they began having to scramble to keep up some semblance of the closeness that made them who they were, she couldn't hide from it anymore. It was Ben she wanted, Ben she had always wanted. And though she wouldn't admit it even to herself, there was a small of her that resented Andrew for causing her to give up what she might have had with Ben.
She dialed his number one more time, not really expecting him to answer but feeling a sudden, overwhelming need to hear his voice. Hearing his voice might help untangle the confusion in her head, ease the knot of fear in her chest that tightened every time she thought of what had happened on the beach. What had she done? Was there something fundamentally wrong with her, some twisted sort of need to hurt everyone who loved her over and over again? Was she self-destructive enough to ruin every relationship she might ever have by always wishing she had taken the other fork in the road?
She jumped as if an electric current had run through her body when Andrew's voice cut into her jumbled thoughts. But it was just his voice mail message. Sighing, she hung up once again. What had she intended to say to him, anyway? "Sorry about tonight, but I just wanted put the icing on the cake by telling you that it's over. I'd still like to be your friend, but I'm going to see how things work with Ben now." She laughed without a trace of humor. She felt sick to her stomach.
It took a long time for her to fall asleep, and when she did, her dreams broke her heart.
------------------------
"So you must be pretty brave. Brave or stupid, which is it?" Pacey adjusted the rearview mirror so he could see the kid, who was staring out the window at the darkened streets of Capeside as they drove through town toward his house.
Ben briefly met Pacey's eyes in the mirror, then looked away, keeping his expression carefully neutral. "What do you mean?"
"I think you know what I mean. I mean my brother's not someone you want as an enemy, and you seem to be doing everything you can to stay on his bad list. Not to mention Andy, Jack, and me, for that matter. So what is it, do you just enjoy the challenge?"
"What challenge is that?" Ben asked, a defensive edge creeping into his voice.
"Of winning your best friend's girl."
"With all due respect, Mr. Witter, you don't know what you're talking about."
"One might assume as much, but if you want to know the truth I probably understand more than anyone else you know. Anyway, I have a question for you. If Amy means so much to you, why do you keep dragging her into your messes?"
"That's not what I'm trying to do. I'm...I care about her."
"So much so that you give her ecstasy to lift her spirits when she's in a bad mood? That you drink and get behind the wheel with her in the car? So much that you drive a wedge between her and everyone who loves her?"
"I love her."
Pacey glanced at Ben in the mirror again. For a brief, powerful moment, he saw himself at sixteen, his worldly and wise bravado belying the fact that he'd spent his entire short life in this sheltered little seaside town, his intentions good and noble but constantly failing, a human train wreck...knowing the pain of first love and what it could do to a person who fell into it without warning...the bittersweet pill that you swallow for better or worse when you lose a friend and gain in return something so uncertain, so unknown, so exhilarating...
The feeling vanished as quickly as it had washed over him, but Pacey was jolted by it, by a sudden intense clarity about the boy in his backseat, an empathy that hadn't existed even just moments before. They rode the rest of the way in silence.
When Pacey pulled into the Chambers' driveway, Ben cleared his throat almost nervously and said in a tone that was somehow admirably strong and vulnerable at the same time, "I know you're going to believe what you want, but please know that I'm not trying to hurt Amy. I'd never do anything to hurt her on purpose. I just...I just want to make her happy." He trailed off, cleared his throat again, and muttered, "Thanks for the ride."
"Hey, kid," Pacey said suddenly. Ben paused with his hand on the door handle and looked at him expectantly. "You think you know everything there is to know, don't you? But let me tell you, you've got a lot to learn. It doesn't matter how many times you screw up or how many people are expecting you to screw up. What matters is that you don't get so beaten down by the screw-ups that you forget there's time to do things right. It just takes some people longer than others."
Ben hesitated, as if waiting for more. "Thanks," he said after a moment, and then got out of the car and shut the door. He stood there and watched with an expression that was close to awe as Pacey backed out of the driveway and headed down the street.
-----------------------------
Andrew still wouldn't answer the phone. Maybe he was asleep. Amy rolled over on her stomach and looked at the big red numbers of the clock radio. 2:39. It would make sense that he would be asleep, but somehow she didn't think so. Somehow she was sure he was lying awake in his room, just four houses away, listening to the repetitive buzz of his cell phone and too angry and resentful to pick it up and see what she wanted. And hurt. More than anything he was probably hurt.
And he had every right to be. Especially since his fears and insecurities had all played out in full glory tonight as she and Ben sat under the star- dazzled sky at the beach. She couldn't remember who had leaned in for the first kiss, but she could remember being overcome by the moment, the soft, strong, familiar lips against hers, enjoying the sweet taste of him as equally oppressive clouds of guilt, desire, sadness, and excitement fought for control of her heart.
For now, the guilt was winning by a landslide. "Oh Andy, I don't want you to hate me. I don't want to do this to you." She spoke the words aloud to the ceiling, feeling more tears stinging behind her closed eyelids. "But what else can I do? I made the wrong choice."
It had seemed right at first. She had convinced herself beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was right. Andy was her best friend, after all, and she did love him, and he loved her. It was safe and comfortable and, in the beginning, even exciting to explore a new room in the well-worn household of their lifelong friendship. But when it started to unravel, when they began having to scramble to keep up some semblance of the closeness that made them who they were, she couldn't hide from it anymore. It was Ben she wanted, Ben she had always wanted. And though she wouldn't admit it even to herself, there was a small of her that resented Andrew for causing her to give up what she might have had with Ben.
She dialed his number one more time, not really expecting him to answer but feeling a sudden, overwhelming need to hear his voice. Hearing his voice might help untangle the confusion in her head, ease the knot of fear in her chest that tightened every time she thought of what had happened on the beach. What had she done? Was there something fundamentally wrong with her, some twisted sort of need to hurt everyone who loved her over and over again? Was she self-destructive enough to ruin every relationship she might ever have by always wishing she had taken the other fork in the road?
She jumped as if an electric current had run through her body when Andrew's voice cut into her jumbled thoughts. But it was just his voice mail message. Sighing, she hung up once again. What had she intended to say to him, anyway? "Sorry about tonight, but I just wanted put the icing on the cake by telling you that it's over. I'd still like to be your friend, but I'm going to see how things work with Ben now." She laughed without a trace of humor. She felt sick to her stomach.
It took a long time for her to fall asleep, and when she did, her dreams broke her heart.