duende

.:bruising:.
chapter four

She moved quietly as she stepped near him, a steaming bowl of food in her hands. Kouga smelled her approach a long way off but it wasn't until he heard the floorboards loudly creak her arrival did he bother to glance up at her. She smiled down at him and Kouga could only manage a lukewarm expression in return.

"I made you some lunch," she said as she offered him the bowl.

Kouga turned his head away and gave her a dismissive gesture with his hand. "I'm still full from this morning."

"Then try to eat as much of it as you can," Sango responded as she motioned with the bowl once more and waited for him to take it. He looked at her from out of the corners of his eyes, trying to assess her commitment to get him to take the food. She could be just as stubborn and aggravating as that Inukoro she used to associate with a year ago. Kouga knew she wouldn't leave him alone until he complied, but old habits died hard. She wasn't alpha female. Hell, she wasn't even Yourouzoku. Taking orders and receiving help from her always caused his Yourouzoku pride to demand resistance.

Sango's arm remained outstretched toward him as she refused to move, "Please, Kouga, just try it."

The quality of the 'please' affected him the most and he felt his resolve begin to ebb away. It would probably please her in some sadistic way if she knew she was just as stubborn as any Yourouzoku. That stubbornness caused him to feel tired of bickering with her over food everyday. He snorted as he turned to look at her fully, his facial expression as cold as he could manage and idly wondered if most humans were as annoyingly stubborn as she was. Kouga suspected they all were to a degree, but Sango and Kagome were probably unusually so.

Undaunted, she waited for him to take his share of the food while her ration sat untouched as it cooled. She was waiting for him to eat before she would feed herself. A pang of guilt stabbed at him and he took the bowl from her without a word, ignoring her grateful expression as she moved to sit down across from him and begin to eat.

Kouga raised the bowl to his face and sniffed the food contained within. "I don't like this," he informed her with a conceited tone. "I prefer meat."

Sango swallowed and rubbed her chin with the back of her hand. She wanted to berate him for his ungrateful behavior, but she resisted temptation as she reminded herself that the wolf was actually cooperating a little more today than normal. In fact, he had acting more cooperative since their last fight. That gave her some hope and her patience immediately returned.

"I'm sorry, but I don't have any meat for you today. I'll try to get some tomorrow."

Kouga put the bowl down and crossed his arms over his chest indicating his disinterest. The gesture was almost childish and Sango was tempted to laugh.

"Please try to eat," she implored. "You're finally starting to put on some weight. Please... just a little."

He stared hard at her for a long moment as she braced herself for yet another argument. Her shoulders grew tense as they locked eyes, then without so much as a grunt he picked up the bowl and sniffed at it once more.

"This slop is disgusting," he told her as picked through it. "I don't know how you humans can eat this garbage every day." He pushed the rice around with his finger before finding a morsel that looked edible and popping it into his mouth. Swallowing, the wolf grimaced from the taste.

"Thank you," Sango said between mouthfuls as she continued to supervise him. It was her habit now to watch him eat, just to be certain. The rigorous training that Sango underwent as a young child and teenager taught her to always be suspicious of youkai motives. Though her heart felt relieved to see Kouga acting civil toward her on occasion, the cynical side of her was certain that he was humoring her for the most part, even now. His apparent cooperation was a ruse meant to disarm her. He would comply with her wishes until she trusted him enough to let her guard down and then when the opportunity was right, he would disappear. She was convinced she could see the unspoken plans in his eyes and she found herself resenting him for thinking she was so easily fooled. Sango chewed soundlessly as she regarded him, still glad that he was eating something, even if he was just toying with her.

Kouga popped the last morsel he deemed worthy into his mouth and swallowed before placing the bowl on the floor and sliding it toward her, the majority of the meal left uneaten. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall, "Don't feed me that crap again. I'm not like Inukoro. I don't like human food."

Sango ignored his barb at Inuyasha and quickly finished her lunch. She heard Kouga move to the bed behind her and she turned her head to watch him lay down. "I still need to change your bandages," she said as she collected his bowl.

"They're fine."

"They need changed," she insisted, her back still pointed toward him.

He watched her start to gather fresh bandages and begin the process of mixing her healing salve. A curious frown creased his brow as he observed her. Her motivations and patience perplexed him. Her insistence about helping him was twice as aggravating as it was touching. Even when they fought, she somehow managed to maintain that damn compassion that never ceased to frustrate him. The fact that she refused to kill him and end his misery was exasperating enough, but her continued kindness was what really perturbed him. She refused to be bullied and Kouga was quickly coming to the point where he felt compelled to truly hurt her in order to convince her to leave him alone.

"All right," she said as she knelt next to him and reached to untie his bandages, "let's take a look here."

She worked swift and silent as she carefully removed the bandage and examined the wound. She blotted the area with cool water, causing the surrounding flesh to flinch away from the contact.

"How's the pain?"

Kouga looked at her intensely, his expression softening as he spoke, "If I knew then what I know now, I would have let you die with him."

Sango's hand froze as her body went rigid. She tried to cover her discomfort by quickly resuming her duties, but the slight change in her scent and her sudden paleness gave her away.

"It wasn't right for me to deny you that," he continued, keeping the tone of his voice as neutral as possible. "You loved him, didn't you?"

She dotted the salve on the wound and began to rub it in, her fingers trembling ever so slightly. "Why are you talking about this?"

"I didn't understand back then-"

"There was nothing for you to understand," she interrupted as her hands moved quicker.

Kouga grunted and looked away from her, "You wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, didn't you? Honestly now, wouldn't you rather be with him? If you had to do it all over again and I hadn't stopped you."

"Then I'd be dead now," Sango finished, her voice becoming strained, forced. "But you held me down. You saved my life."

Aqua eyes moved over her face, "No regrets?"

"I don't regret living."

"Ah," Kouga continued quietly, "I don't suppose you do. But if I hadn't held you down, not only would you and that houshi still be together, but you would be with your people as well."

Sango's lower lip began to tremble as she finished tying the bandage, her final knot eliciting a sharp intake of breath from the wolf. The pain from the bandage tied too snug did not prevent Kouga from noticing the inner turmoil he caused in the human and he entertained his sense of shame behind an expressionless mask.

"He might not even be dead," he said, regretting his words even as he spoke, "who's to say that anything dies once they enter the Kazanna."

The taiji-ya lowered her head until her chin nearly touched her chest and breathed deeply, clenching her fists at her sides. It was the thought that Miroku might still be alive that haunted her heart the most. What if he was trapped in another reality surrounded by all the youkai his Kazanna consumed over the years? No matter how much logic assured her that Miroku was dead, her heart kept asking the same cruel question.

What if...?

With a shaky sigh, Sango pushed her doubts back down as far as they would go, locking them away to besiege her heart another time. Kouga was trying to bait her and he was doing a very effective job of it, too. Rage welled up inside of her at the realization that he was purposefully trying to amplify her heartache, but she knew that if she gave in to her ire, Kouga would win.

"Naraku killed him when he forced the Kazanna to spread," Sango said with a strained tone of authority. "He's dead."

Kouga peered at her for a long moment, impressed with her self-control. "If you say so," he said with a shrug, his casual attitude only adding to Sango's anguish.

She felt tears begin to sting her eyes and squeeze her heart. How could he say that? He saw what happened. Sango swallowed hard and quickly wiped away a stray tear as she looked at Kouga with raw grief and hurt, "Why are you talking about this?" she whispered, "Why are you..."

"I have been thinking about that day," the wolf interrupted, "Everything happened so fast... he called out to you while I held you down, didn't he? Just before he was consumed..."

He saw a teardrop splatter on the ground and he pushed again, "Were you able to hear everything? There was a lot of noise, but I heard him. He was terrified, Sango."

"Kouga..." Sango's heartbroken voice whispered, begging him to stop.

"Naraku probably prolonged it, the sick bastard. In any case, there was no body afterwards, was there? Not a scrap of clothing remained. Not even his shakujou was left behind. Everything was consumed." Kouga watched Sango's shoulders shake for several seconds as she gave in to her tears, "At least when your brother died you had a body to bury. You knew for certain he was really dead and-"

"Stop it, Kouga!" she yelled, thumping her fist against his chest as hard as she could. "Stop it!"

"Stop what?" he asked, allowing cruelness to seep into his voice.

"You know what you're doing! Stop!"

Kouga pushed himself up into a seated position and glared hard at her, "You want me to stop remembering? Is that what you've done?!"

Sango's eyes went wide and she shook her head, "N-no! I haven't-"

"Yes, you have! Look at you," he made a sweeping gesture with his hand as his lips curled back in disgust. "You act so high and mighty and treat me like a child when you're the one who's sick."

Sango's throat tightened painfully, "I haven't forgotten, Kouga."

Blinding pride and selfish anger spurned Kouga forward and he growled, "I'm not like you, bitch. I will never forget."

Grief and guilt gave way to fury and Sango allowed her body to act on pure emotion. With one strong, fluid motion, Sango struck Kouga across the face with the back of her hand as hard as she could. They glared at each other in silence, as neither was willing to be the first to look away. Kouga's jaw clenched tightly as he secretly dared her to try to strike him again.

"You have no right."

Kouga's mouth quirked into a hateful smirk as he ignored the stinging sensation on his cheek, "I have every right. I'm not the one living in a fantasy and pretending all is well."

"No, Kouga," she said, contempt dripping from her voice, "you're the one living in a graveyard and allowing Naraku to control your life like Kagura once controlled your people."

The hairs on the back of Kouga's neck stood on end, but he bit his tongue as he considered his next move. He felt like he was fighting Inuyasha. They were too evenly matched, though Sango was far more intelligent than the hanyou. Still, Inukoro had his moments of genius that made him a dangerous adversary and Sango seemed gifted in the same way. To win this fight he would have to outsmart her.

Kouga knew his words cut her to the quick, but her retorts also drew blood. He expected her to fight back, but he didn't expect such a low blow. She seemed so civilized in her fighting style that he was confident he would be able to rattle her without much resistance. He'd only known her as a warrior. The time he spent actually speaking to her was nominal at best. Before his tribe had been wiped out, all of his attention was focused on Kagome.

He barely noticed the taiji-ya.

This aspect of her persona ran deeper than he expected. He counted on her to be as resistant as Kagome, but she was proving to be far more. Usually, strength was a trait he found extremely attractive, but in her, it only frustrated him. Kouga felt certain that his verbal barbs were strong and effective, but there was still something in her that kept her spine ramrod straight. It wasn't simple pride and he knew for certain that it wasn't because she lived a lie.

There was something in her that he could not see, and therefore, could not attack.

Kouga waited until she visibly calmed before pressing her again. "Are you really glad to be alive now, Sango?" he asked with mock innocence. "What do you have to live for here in this empty village surrounded by corpses?"

Sango searched his face seeking the truth in his eyes. His question was meant as an assault, but there was something about it that felt different. She detected an underlying quality in his voice, which seemed to be asking for understanding. Sango still felt the pain from his efforts in bruising her heart, but the taiji-ya caught a speck of honest interest reflecting in his gaze. Kouga wanted to persecute and drive her away, but part of him also wanted to hear her answer and understand why she was so different from him. After all, they were kindred spirits. Both taiji-ya and youkai had suffered great loss.

"My father raised me to live strong. To adapt and persevere," she said quietly. "So I do."

She was silent for a long moment, her eyes distant as memories churned inside of her. Then, with a voice that sounded far to fragile for a woman so strong, she said, "In the beginning, I had to force myself to get out of bed every day. I didn't see a point in doing chores. I didn't see the point in doing anything. And then I'd remember my father and I'd hear his voice in my head telling me to help my mother in the garden or check the weapons, make poison, sharpen blades... so I'd get up and do the chores I knew he expected me to do." She paused, then lifted her eyes to peer into his, "After a while, I realized that I would dishonor my parents by giving up. So I keep going because they would want me to, even though I sometimes don't want to."

Now it was Kouga's turn to feel uncomfortable. The way Sango held his gaze made his chest feel tight and his stomach twist. This wasn't how he anticipated their conversation going. He had expected anger, wanted anger - instead her damn compassion was eating away at his defenses. Questions and uncertainties were whispering in the back of his mind that he wasn't ready to confront. It was both unnerving and maddening.

"Don't you think you dishonor the Yourouzoku by wanting to die?" she asked, and he found himself unsure how to answer. His people simply didn't kill themselves. To do so was to cause intentional harm to the pack. If a warrior could no longer fight, he or she would sacrifice themselves against a strong enemy for the good of the clan. That was as close to "suicide" as the Yourouzoku got.

Now that his people were gone, there was no one for him to sacrifice himself for - no one for him to die trying to protect. Instead, they had all died to protect him and that level of sacrifice was unacceptable. How was he supposed to go on living without his people, his family?

"There is no dishonor," he said. "The Yourouzoku no longer exists. I simply wish to be where I am meant to be - with my people."

"The Yourouzoku live as long as you survive, Kouga," she said. "Shouldn't that be reason enough to continue living?"

AN: A shakujou is the staff of a wandering Buddhist monk. The jangling metal rings that top the staff are meant to warn all living creatures of the monk's approach so that he will not accidentally step on even the tiniest of insects. (definition taken from Sengoku Jidai)