Chapter 6 - Return to LA

We got back a couple of hours ago. The apartment is quiet, and I assume Wes and Gina are already asleep.

Not me. I can't. No, that's not true, my eyes are heavy, and I know that as soon as I let my guard down, I'll sleep. But I can't let that happen. I'm terrified that if I do, I'll forget about him again.

I know the bubble bath is supposed to stop that happening, and I had a good long soak before I came to bed, but I can't help it. I felt so close to him this past week. I know, it hasn't all been good, and a lot of it has been painful, but it was worth it to feel him in my life again. And what wouldn't I do to have him here, now, holding me, soothing away my terror?

I haven't really relaxed since the moment the plane took off. I just kept thinking about him, about what we've learned so far, trying to make sure that I wasn't forgetting, panicking when I realised I couldn't recall some minute detail.

I haven't slept well since Wes' news. Well, that's hardly surprising. Among all the bombshells I've had dropped on me, it's right up there with the big ones. Like the prophecy that said I was going to die. Or like the fact that I had to send Angel to hell. Or that the only way to save the world was to kill my little sister.

Sometimes I just hate whoever it is who decides what I've got to face next. When Wes said those words, so soon after the knowledge that Spike could come back, there was just this sense of normality. I mean, the Slayer doesn't get what she wants, what she needs. There's always this huge price to pay.

The prospect of Spike spending eternity in hell makes my insides turn to ice-water. It's just so unfair - he died to save the world, so he deserves heaven, doesn't he? I mean, I did it too, I died to save the world, so I should know.

Wes didn't come up with much more before we left. To tell the truth, he's been itching to get back to W&H since Willow's bubble-magic, desperate to try it out. I'm just surprised he didn't go straight into the office tonight, although I'm certain he'll be up and out very early in the morning.

I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I don't have to go back to the office until Monday morning, but I'm going to go mad sitting around here waiting to hear something. I always hated this bit, the waiting, the not understanding. For the first time since I left the crater that Sunnydale became, I wish I could just go and patrol - dust a few vampires, decapitate a few demons. If this goes on much longer, maybe I'll do just that, even if it means breaking my agreement with Angel that LA was 'his town'.

My eyes are closing, and try as I might, I can't resist it any more. Still, I'm not going to sleep. I'm just going to lie here with my eyes closed, and think about him.

~~~~~

As soon as I open my eyes, I know I've slept. It's daylight. The sun is filtering through the curtains, and it's morning. I glance at my clock, and realise it's already late. I remember trying so desperately not to sleep last night. I go through an internal check list, to make sure I remember him. Spike. It's all there, the good and the bad. I say a little mental thank you to Willow.

She went home before the rest of us left, but she's going to keep in touch, and, as soon as I find an apartment of my own, she's going to come and visit. Thinking about that, I decide to get up and check the newspaper for apartments. Of course, then I realise that the delivery hasn't restarted since our time away, so I'm going to have to go out and get one.

Gina's in the kitchen when I go through.

"Wes left early, huh?" I ask.

Gina nods, her expression resigned. "He was gone by five. He said to tell you that he won't be calling if he finds something, in case the call is overheard. This apartment should be safe, though. He made a point of having it 'spyproofed' when we moved in - because he still didn't trust everyone at W&H."

"Your husband's a very wise man."

"I know. He makes me feel … safe. And I never thought I'd feel that again."

I nod, remembering when I first met Gina. And I have to agree with her assessment. You do feel safe with Wes around. Not safe in the way that he could stop an apocalypse or anything, more like he's just this solid presence, someone you know you can rely on. A bit like I used to feel about Giles. Before … No, I'm not going to think about that right now. I think back to what Gina said.

"Don't tell me you married him just to feel safe," I tease, knowing nothing could be further from the truth.

She blushes under my direct gaze.

"No, that was more along the lines of being a gift with purchase."

You wouldn't think someone with Gina's complexion would blush easily, but she does, and she looks so cute.

"Oh," Gina changes the subject. "This came for you while we were away. It was between some of our mail, but I didn't notice until I started opening it this morning."

She hands me an envelope. My hands shake slightly as I recognise the elaborate handwriting. It's from Angel. I tell myself not to be silly. Angel's the man I shared an apartment and a bed with until a short while ago. But it doesn't help, I still get this strong sense of foreboding from it. I open it quickly, desperate to have it proved harmless.

Buffy,

I hope you don't mind, but I thought you'd be interested. I know you've been staying with Wes, but you must be keen to find a place of your own. There's an apartment just come available in a W&H owned building, just a block from my own apartment. The rent's very fair, and it's a prestigious address. If you're interested, I've enclosed the details.

I've missed you so much since you left. I know you need some time on your own, and I'm willing to give you what you need. I have faith in your love for me. It held true through so much, that I can't believe that it would fail when we have finally overcome all the obstacles that kept us apart.

But, I won't pressure you. Have the time you need, and know that I'll be here when you're ready.

All my love, always,

Angel.

I feel almost sick as I read the note. I thought I'd been clear when I spoke to him. I thought he'd understood. I didn't have any doubts then, and I've even less reason to doubt my decision now.

I'm torn between sadness and blazing anger. Sure, I'm sad that he's still hoping where there isn't any hope. But more than that, I'm furious that he thinks he knows me better than I do. It makes me feel that he's treating me like a child again. Like a sixteen-year-old who doesn't know what she really wants. Like when he left me 'for my own good'.

Gina's been looking at me while I read the note, and then watching my reaction. I don't trust myself to speak, so I just hand her the note. When she finishes reading, she reaches out her hand to me.

"What're you going to do?"

"About the note? I don't know. I really want to just ignore it. There's no way I'm going to go and live in a W&H apartment, and definitely not one so close to him. And where does he get off trying to outguess my feelings?"

"It's worrying, though."

I consider what she means.

"You think he's trying to make sure I don't start finding out about Spike, don't you? The whole 'living in a company apartment' thing?"

"Well, if he knows about the memory spell, he could be worried that you remembered something. And he could want you where he can keep an eye on you."

"It's possible," I admit. I don't want to consider the fact that he's been involved in all this, but it's a possibility I can't afford to overlook. It just makes me feel so … stupid, and used.

I shake my head. "I'll have to think about the note, but one thing I don't have to think about is the need to find my own apartment. I was going to go out and pick up a newspaper, check out the ads. Anything you want while I'm out?"

"Well, we're kinda low on milk," she offers. "I need to go to the market, but I'd like to have a long, lazy morning first."

"Fine, I'll get some milk, and then we can go to the market later. Anything else for now?"

She grins at me.

"Well, I've got this notion for doughnuts. Jelly ones, I think."

I smile back. At times like this, sugar is my friend.

"Milk and doughnuts coming up, then."

I try to put Angel and the note out of my mind as I get what we need, but I can't. It's just like Angel on so many levels. Even if he's completely innocent of whatever's going on with Spike, he would still want me close. It was only the risk of losing his soul that kept him away from me before. He told me as much. And I certainly didn't get any spidey-sense tingle when we were together. I didn't have any suspicion that he was plotting something. But then, with the resources of W&H at his disposal, he's capable of just about anything.

I get back to the apartment to the smell of fresh coffee. I join Gina in the kitchen, placing a box of assorted doughnuts on the table. We spend a while just pigging out on sugar, and laughing, both of us pretending there's nothing going wrong.

When I've washed the sugar from my fingers, I start to look through the ads. I'm just about to give up when I see one which causes me to smile. It's only five minutes from where I am now, and I'm pretty sure I even know the building. It's close to my office, and a long way from Angel. It's got three bedrooms, and that's even better. I make a note of the number, then pass the paper to Gina.

She nods as she reads it.

"It looks great," she admits. "But am I selfish to approve mainly because it's so close to here?"

"No, of course not. Unless I'm being selfish for the same reason?"

"I'll call first thing in the morning," I promise. "Even if it's gone, I'll see if there's anything else around here. I've decided this is definitely a good neighbourhood."

~~~~~

When Wes comes home later, he has no news. He's found some corroboration, but that's all. The bad news is that he's also found a problem around the time-scale.

He and Willow worked out we had five weeks until the alignment which would consign Spike to Hell, but now it turns out it's not so simple. Apparently, among those who wrote about the amulet, there were a number of dialects. And guess what? There were four separate stars which all had the same name, depending on the dialect. They all come into alignment within the next few months, but one of them is due in just over two weeks from now. He needs to analyse the whole text with a fine-tooth comb to work out which dialect was being used, and therefore which star it refers to.

~~~~~

I dreamt of Spike last night. I can't remember the detail, but I woke this morning feeling that strange mixture of happiness and loss that sometimes follows an especially happy dream. I get up and get ready for work, and my impatience at not knowing how to help Spike is tempered by the afterglow of the dream. It's almost as if he's done it on purpose, giving me something to keep me from tearing my hair out.

I manage to make some time in my calendar to go and see the apartment at noon. It looks to be exactly what I want, even if it's a little more expensive than I'd been thinking about. And it's twice the rent of the one Angel 'offered' me. Still, business is good, and I can afford it, so I agree on the spot. The agent offers to draw up the paperwork and have it ready for signing by the end of the day.

I go back to the office feeling better than ever. I know it's not actually doing anything to help Spike, but it's made me feel better to find myself somewhere to live that's just for me.

Gina's pleased when I tell her that everything's settled. We're chatting about furnishings when Wes eventually comes in.

He looks tired. His skin seems a little yellow, and he has dark shadows under his eyes. I'm desperate to hear if he's found anything, but I know I'm intruding, so I get up and go into the kitchen to start dinner. That's the one down side of living with them – the fact that they don't get to be alone as much as they should. Still, it won't be for much longer.

I was so disappointed last night when he said he'd not found anything, although he was pretty sure he knew where to look.

Gina comes in a while later, and tells me to go and speak to Wes.

I go towards Wes' room, and my heart's in my mouth.

"Buffy," he acknowledges as I enter.

"What is it? What did you find?"

"Oh, more corroboration, mainly. There's not too much new information yet. What I have found is the original intention behind giving Angel the amulet."

"I thought we knew that. It was to help defeat the First."

"Well, no. That's what happened, but only because you changed the rules."

"Me? What did I do?"

"You chose Spike as your champion."

I make the logical jump to what had been intended.

"They thought Angel would be my champion."

"Exactly."

"But, surely that wouldn't have made any difference?"

"Well, someone thinks it would. Two differences to be exact. Firstly, the plan wasn't to defeat the First, more to stall it. I'm still not sure of the exact details, and without knowing who was behind it, I'm not sure I'll ever make sense of it. The other part of the plan was to control Angel."

"How?"

"Again, the details aren't too clear, but it has to do with the controller. When it's used to bring back the bearer of the amulet, it's possible to bind the soul to the will of whoever has the controller. That was the key part of the plan. Someone, and I assume it was one of the Senior Partners, wanted to have Angel in charge of W&H, but wanted to completely control him."

Ok, the controlling Angel thing is too much for me to take in right now.

"Why was the result different because I chose Spike?"

"As far as I can tell, it's largely because of their souls. Angel's had his for a long time. And during that time, he's done a number of things that, well, he shouldn't be too proud of. Spike hadn't had his for long, and apart from when he was under the control of the First, I'd imagine he'd been, well, behaving himself."

"So, Spike's soul was, what, clean? Is that what you're saying? And Angel's wasn't?"

"Putting it simply, yes. The power generated by Spike's soul was enough to seal the Hellmouth. That wasn't expected."

"Ok. So, why hasn't whoever-it-is used the controller to bring back Spike?"

"I assume it's because there's no reason to do it. There might even be an element of revenge involved. He did wreck the plan."

"But, that would mean that Angel's ok? He wouldn't be part of a plan to control himself, would he?"

"No, but it doesn't mean he doesn't know something. I did find traces of information that're hidden behind a higher security clearance than I knew existed. That could mean Angel, or it could go straight to a Senior Partner."

"So, could you do with someone who's into major mojo who can also do a mean bit of hacking?"

"Willow?"

"Yeah. I signed the paperwork after work today. I move into my new apartment next week, and I'm going to ask her to visit."

"It'll be risky, but I haven't got any better idea."