Sorry for the delay. There's just too much going on at home right now, with general family celebrations and so on. Chapter 14 has been started, though, so I'll post it as soon as I can.

Chapter 13 – Back, But Not to Normal

I go to bed, but sleep doesn't come. In some respects, this is worse than not knowing if we'd succeed – no scrap that. It's not. He's safe, and that's all that matters.

His mood switched when he knew he was human, and it's all to do with his belief that his human self is worthless. I understand that, even though I don't agree with him. It's obvious to me now, as it wasn't for so long, that his demon hasn't been running his life for a long time, if ever. Ok, I know, feeding, killing, loving violence, but he needed to kill to live. And the violence? I've got to admit, there've been times I've missed it. Before I came to LA, I'd go out at night sometimes, just looking for something to kill.

I only realise I'm listening for any movement outside when I finally hear something. I jump up, terrified that Spike's decided to leave, but before I get to my door, there's a knock, and Willow's quiet voice asking if I'm awake. I open the door, and she comes in, fluffy slippers and robe and eyes filled with concern.

We sit on my bed, and it's like old times. I tell her what happened, about the bargain I made with Lilah. And I explain, as far as I can, what's happened since then.

"He told me once," I remember. "That time when he tied me up and offered to kill Dru for me if only I'd admit there was something between us? He told me she had saved him from mediocrity."

I'm not sure why I hadn't remembered that, well, apart from the fact that it's an incident best forgotten. I can see now, that even then, he was struggling to understand his own feelings, and having considered humans as food for so long, he just didn't know how to express how he felt. I mean, his relationship with Dru wasn't something I'd want to share. But he loved her, was devoted to her for a century. When he looks at me, I can almost believe he'd stay with me that long. Or the way he used to look at me, before, and then again, at first tonight.

"He's convinced that I can't love him now," I tell Willow. "The problem is, how do I persuade him to stay around long enough for me to prove it?"

Willow looks at her hands for a moment.

"Buffy, are you sure it's as simple as that? I mean, how do you know you can still love him? If he's human, and, well, limited in strength and everything, would you still love him? Or, could he love you, knowing that you weren't equals?"

She's putting into words something that's been at the back of my mind, but which I'd been keeping there, hoping that as long as I didn't put words to it, it wasn't real.

"Willow, I… I think I love him regardless. It wasn't the demon I loved before, it was the man. I know the demon was part of it, but it was more of an undercurrent. Then again, there was a time when I thought I loved Angel. I know, it'd be stupid to just expect Spike and I to be, well, perfect, but I know one thing for certain. He's the most important person in my life right now. And I'm going to do everything I can to make sure he knows that."

Somehow, after Willow left, I managed to sleep. Now, it's six in the morning, and I'm wide awake, and desperate to check that he's still here, and that it hasn't been a dream.

I get up, pull on some clothes, and creep into the living room. I needn't have bothered with the creeping, because he's sitting watching TV. He's got the sound pretty low, which explains why I didn't hear it before.

If he knows I'm there, he doesn't acknowledge it at all. The table in front of him is littered with debris – it looks like he's wiped me out of snack foods overnight. I go into the kitchen and put on some coffee, then go back. I sit down, and just watch him as he tries to pretend I'm not there.

After a few moments, he gives up trying.

"Ok slayer, what do you want to say? You've been sitting there, watching me, waiting to say something, so out with it."

"I … I … I don't know. I mean, there's a lot I want to say, but nothing in particular right now. Just … just, I want to ask you to stay. Please."

"We've already established I don't really have any choice about that, haven't we?"

"Well, yes, but … I think, if I ask Wes, he could probably get you papers, make you legal. Then, if you wanted to, you could get a job, get some money, and … do whatever you want. But, I'd still want you to be here."

"Oh, I get it. You want to take up where you left off when you blew up my crypt – at least until you realise I'm not like he was."

He gets up as he says that, moving towards where I'm sitting, and to my surprise, he bends over, and he's so close to me, I can feel his proximity in every nerve of my body.

"I mean," he continues, "I could probably give you a good run, but I don't think I'd be up to five hours any more."

His eyes rake up and down my body as he says that, but it leaves me feeling cold.

"That's not what I meant," I tell him, willing my eyes no remain tear-free. "I just meant, I care about you. You're right, maybe I don't know you as a human, but I want to know you. I want to know you as well as I did before – better than I did before. But, you don't have to stay here, in this apartment if you don't want to. But if you do, then I've got two spare rooms once Willow's goes, and …"

I stop then, because what I want to say is at once both completely obvious and obscure.

He shrugs.

There's a sound, then, coming from the door. I get up, and go and open it. No one there, but there's a thick envelope on the floor. I glance at, and it's addressed to me, so I pick it up and take it inside.

As I turn away from the door, still staring at the envelope, I hear Spike's voice from the other end of the hallway.

"Someone there? The Poof come to call is it?"

"No, Spike, just some mail," I answer.

I open the envelope and pull out a wad of paper. The top sheet explains what it's all about – it's on a Wolfram and Hart letterhead. It seems the lawyers aren't above sending out paper copies of their contracts.

I take the envelope to my bedroom and leave it there. There's no way I want Spike finding out about the deal I made – at least not right away. The Spike I know would insist on getting involved with what I have to do, and I can't risk that with human Spike.

I go into the kitchen and pour myself some coffee. I offer Spike some too, but he's back to watching some trashy show and either doesn't hear me or doesn't want to. I decide to leave him to wallow for a bit, and take my coffee to my room, where I climb back into bed, and take out the contents of the envelope.

The first few pages bring no surprises. Of course, it's couched in legal-speak, but it all seems kinda like I remember. Then, I come to the new stuff. There's a load of background reading. Everything I could ever want to know about Carnolan demons, their history and habits, and a lot more besides. I set that aside for now, and go to the bottom of the pile. Here are some sheets in a different style altogether, and I just know Lilah's responsible for them.

Buffy,

I've enclosed the things my employers think you'll need to complete your task. Typically, they don't actually have a clue about the real world, so I'm adding this bit.

You may not have realised it yet, but you're going to be on this job for a while, and you're not going to have time for any other life once you get started. So, I've arranged for someone to take over your counselling. I know you're not going to like it, but you really don't have a choice. However, I can assure you that my choice is not only extremely competent and experienced, she's also trustworthy - and I mean that from your point of view. Check her out if you want, but you'll find I'm right.

You've got a little time before you need to get onto this, but it's just enough for you to put your life officially on hold. If you take too long, then I'm going to have to start experimenting with my control of Spike. Actually, I'm itching to do just that, but for the sake of our bargain, I'll hold off for a while.

Since Wes is so keen to help you, I've arranged for him to take an extended paid leave of absence. He'll be getting details of his new status this morning too, so he won't be surprised when you call him.

Ok, so, there you have it. Don't worry about Angel. I'll take care of him.

Lilah Morgan

Under that note is a sheaf of paper which seems to be a resume for some woman who looks slightly familiar. I stare at the photo for a few seconds, and then it comes to me. She was a TA when I was at school. She was ok, too - reputed to be brilliant, and working on some research of her own. I read through the details of her career, and if it's all true, then there's nothing I can take exception to.

I didn't like Lilah last night, and I really don't like her now. Just when I was thinking I was settled, she's just going to shake everything up. And I can't just leave Spike while he's in this state. That's just not a possibility, but then, neither is me taking him along. Having to look after a human Spike would just make everything else so difficult.

So, I'm going to have to risk just waiting. And I'll have to keep Spike where I can make sure she doesn't force him to do something I've got a problem with.

~~~~~

It's later in the day, and I'm at work. I didn't want to leave Spike, but if I'm going to check up on my replacement, one Sarah Carlisle, then I need the contact list I keep in my desk. And then again, there's the fact that I've got appointments.

Wes called me just after I got here. As Lilah promised, he got some details this morning too. He's going to come over tonight, and he's going to bring Gina. Apart from anything else, she's desperate to meet Spike after all she's heard. And then there's the planning and research we need to do. I really wanted to arrange to go out somewhere - their apartment or somewhere, so we could talk without Spike overhearing, but Gina was insistent and I don't want to leave him alone longer than necessary.

Willow's leaving in the morning. She's done what she came here for, and while she's promised to help again if she's needed, there's no reason for her to stay away from Kennedy longer than she already has.

I get home to an empty apartment. There's a note from Willow to say she's gone out to get something for Kennedy. There's no note from Spike.

When Willow gets back, she's as surprised as I am that Spike's gone. I hoped he'd just been bored with the TV, and gone for a walk, but it's getting dark. It may not be Sunnydale out there, but it's not safe either. I go out, searching the streets close to my apartment, trying to find him, leaving Willow to pack and let me know if he gets back.

My heart's in my mouth as I walk, circling blocks, knowing that there's not really much chance that I'm going to run into him. And that's assuming he's just out for a walk. If he's decided to leave, to get away from me, then …

I wish I hadn't told him about Wes being able to get him papers, because, by inference, that means Angel would be able to get them for him too. And if it meant getting Spike out of my life forever, I can't help but think that Angel might be only too happy to help.

It's so long since I did this. It really seems like a patrol, except it's not vamps I'm looking for, it's one particular ex-vamp. I scan each alley I come too, knowing from experience that vamps don't really like feeding too publicly. They're not exactly afraid, what with the super strength, and the way the bumpy face scares people away, but they just don't want to be disturbed.

As far as I can tell, it's a standard evening in LA. There're lots of people around, but none of them is him.

I've been walking around for over two hours, and the fear that I felt when I realised he was out alone has been multiplying inside me. I reach a park, and wonder whether I should look there too. Since I've failed on the streets, I decide to give it a try. It's full dark now, and without the benefit of street and car lights, I'm quickly plunged into total darkness. Times like this I wish I had vamp vision.

If he is here, there's no way I'm going to find him, and I turn to head back to the street, when I get a faint tingle. There's a vamp around here somewhere. I check my pocket and waistband, making sure I've got a couple of stakes ready, and push my Slayer sense out trying to locate it.

I pinpoint the direction, and move that way, every sense extended for maximum information. I hear them before I see them. They're not exactly being noisy, but they're discussing something, and there are at least three of them.

"Who gets to be first?" one asks.

"It's my turn," another voice counters.

"I brought him, so it's my turn first," a third voice states. This voice sounds much more confident that the others. "You don't like it, you go and catch yourself one."

"You know we can't," someone whines. "We're not strong enough yet. That turncoat hurt us badly. We only just got away from him the other night. We need fresh blood, and the master told you to make sure we get it."

There's a snarl then, and I know I'm getting closer. I also know that their victim is Spike. Ok, no, I don't know, but I'm terrified it might be.

"Ok" the third voice gives in, "but he's coming to, so be quick."

I'm so close, I can almost touch them, but there's a thick hedge in front of me, and I've got to go around it. It's just too thick to go through quickly, and too high and even to climb. I wish I had a flashlight with me. I start to hurry along the hedge, desperate to find an opening. I hear the sound of a struggle, and my heart's pounding. I know I'm hearing Spike's last moments, and I can't get to him.