Chapter 19 - Sleeping and Waking

Spike falls into a restless sleep almost immediately. My mind is going over what happened, and I resolve to contact both Wes and Willow first thing in the morning. If there's no way of getting this control clause removed, the only other option we've got is leaving for Las Vegas immediately.

I think about what happened, and while it's true that it could have been worse, it was a pretty drastic show of power. No one was really hurt, well, not physically, but the blow to Spike's sanity must have been severe. He's so fragile - more than I ever realised before. It's different than Angel. I know he spent a long time after he was cursed, eating rats and listening to Barry Manilow. I also know he resented the fact that Spike seemed to cope with his soul so much more quickly. He took it to mean that Spike's guilt was somehow less than it should have been, but the truth was that they're just such different personalities. Angelus' evil was more … considered. He planned things, milking the maximum amount of suffering out of what he did. It's almost as if he has to feel remorse in the same way - by a deep consideration of it all. I think that's why he broods so much.

Spike's different. His evil was always much more spontaneous. I mean, that much was obvious just in my experience. He could make plans, but he was just too impatient to stick to them. His remorse seems to be different too. He went mad with it for a while, but then again, part of that madness was actually induced by the First, so I don't suppose we'll ever know how he'd have coped without that influence. But, when he realised I needed him, he was there, apparently back to normal, and ready. The damage was done anyway, he just didn't brood about it. It seemed that he could put it behind him. But what Lilah did to him - that was exactly the worst thing she could have done without actually having him kill someone. I wonder why she shied away from that. I mean, it's not as though it's part of her usual MO - minimising the body count.

Spike is restless, dreaming of - I don't know what - but I'd bet it's not hugs and puppies. He's tossing and turning, moaning, and I know he's in some sort of pain, but I can't do anything to help him.

Spike's body spasms, and as it relaxes, he turns in towards me, as if trying to hide from the world. I tighten my hold on him, and he seems to settle a bit, snuggling into me, and it feels so good to be able to return some of the comfort he's given me over time. I stroke his hair, gently smoothing it down, and hoping that he finds it as soothing as I do.

Lilah. She's a problem I currently have no idea of how to solve. I just know that the solution needs to include something very painful to make up for what she did to Spike tonight.

In thinking about causing Lilah pain, I realise I still don't know how to achieve that. I mean, what is she? She's dead, but she's not undead, not in the sense of being a vampire, and I have no idea what she is.

I get the impression that Wes has been concerned for her. I don't mean when she was alive - they had some sort of relationship then, even though he used that relationship to thwart her. But, from things Gina has said, I think he's still concerned about her. The hold the senior partners have on her seems to be total, and we have no information on what her existence is like. Is she able to enjoy the 'life' that she has? How do the senior partners motivate her to do what they want? Carrot or stick? It's yet another thing to think about, and I feel like my brain is in danger of overloading.

Spike shifts in my arms, and his face appears from where it's been nestled towards me. He's smiling, his face completely different from the pain-filled one I last saw. He looks so much younger. It's the face I used to see, back when he was giving me a reason to stay alive, and before he realised that me seeing him getting joy out of our liaison was a guaranteed way to pain at my hands. I feel another stab of guilt at that thought. When he was chipped, the only people who treated him like he mattered in any way were my mom and Dawn. For the rest of us, he was an object of fun, some extra muscle. Even when I knew I needed him, it was still on the basis that he, personally, had no value. I made it my job to remove any joy he might have felt.

Sure, he enjoyed a bit of violence, and he used to grin a lot while he was fighting, but what I'm seeing now is different. Not that grin, which was somehow hard, but a smile, gentle, beautiful. It makes my heart contract just to see it. I wish I could see that expression daily, for the rest of my life.

He shifts again, turning towards me, and his hand finds its way under my pyjama top, just to my waist, and I can feel his hand, warm on my skin. I miss this so much. I wish this could be every night, curled together, after …

I force myself to stop thinking that way. I need to sleep, and I force myself to just feel, just enjoy, without any what if's.

I must have slept at last, because the next thing I know is that I'm startled awake when Spike suddenly jerks, and sits up in bed. I open my eyes, and see him take in his whereabouts. There's a ghost of a smile on his face, and I can only assume he's trying to link his current position with a history that would account for it. A fraction of a second later, I know he's made the link, because his face changes to one which looks anything but happy, and it's accompanied by a stiffening of every limb.

I place one hand on his shoulder, and my other arm around his waist, trying to pull him back down to me, but he pulls away, getting out of bed and fastening his jeans.

"Spike," I say, desperate to get him to look at me. "Come back. It's ok."

"It's not ok, Buffy," he disagrees. "And I don't see how it can be, not while some bint's got a free pass into my head and can make me try to hurt you."

"You didn't hurt me last night," I remind him.

"Yeah, well, Slayer strength. Next time, she's going to choose some poor bird who hasn't got your advantages. And I'm going to hurt her, because I couldn't stop myself last night, and not hurting you is about the best incentive I've got."

"You're not going to hurt anyone. If I have to knock you out, I'll stop you."

"You can't be with me every second, …"

"I can if I need to, but that won't matter if Wes or Willow come up with a way out of Lilah controlling you. And, if we get on with what she wants, she should leave you alone for a while at least."

He sighs deeply at that, recognising the truth of what I've said, but then he looks over his shoulder.

"Well, I hope you don't mind if I have a few personal moments. Disadvantages of being human and all, but I need to use the bathroom, and a shower might be a good idea."

"Fine," I tell him, settling back down under the covers. "I'll guard the door."

My final comment doesn't even merit a smile. I lie there, trying to relive the feeling of holding Spike in my arms. I inhale deeply, trying to smell him from the sheets, and realise it's different from before. There're similarities, but there's a muskiness that was missing before, making his scent even more distinctive.

When he's finished, I follow him in to shower, and when I'm dressed, I grab some coffee, and I'm about to get something to eat when the phone rings. It's Wes.

"Buffy," his voice is full of concern. "I hear Lilah paid you a visit last night."

"Yeah, how did you know?" I answer, taking the phone to my room.

"I had some business with Angel early this morning. He told me."

"And how did he know?"

"It seems Lilah visited him just after she left Spike alone. Angel's livid, of course, and he's currently planning a way to get Spike out of circulation and keep him that way. It took me some time to get him to calm down enough to make any sense. I've just left his office. Angel's getting ready to send out the troops to find Spike. Do you know where he is?"

"Of course I do. He's here, and if Angel sends his goons after him, they'll have to contend with me."

"Good. Angel assumed he left after what happened. I'd hate to think he was out somewhere in the city alone."

"He wasn't in any state to go anywhere," I tell him.

"So, what happened?"

"Well, sounds like you already know the highlights. She forced Spike to re-enact something from our past - let's just say it wasn't the brightest moment for either of us."

"And then?"

"And then I spent some time trying to convince Spike that he's not an evil monster. Kind of the opposite of what I used to do. He was so broken by what she did. He seems a bit better this morning, but it's going to take a while before he can put it behind him."

"But he's still there?"

"Yes, he's in the kitchen."

"Good. Look, I'm going to be finished here in a few minutes. Ok if I come round then? I think we need to get moving on things."

"Yes and yes," I agree. "I was going to call you in a few minutes. Oh, and give Angel a message from me, will you?"

"What?"

"Tell him to stay away from Spike. Tell him that if anything happens to Spike, I'm going to stake first and ask questions later."

"I will. See you soon."

While I've got the phone in my hand, I call Willow. She doesn't have any good news, but promises to go on working on the control issue.

True to his word, Wes arrives a short while later. Spike seemed to be avoiding me while we waited, but I didn't push it. Once Wes arrives, he swaggers into the living room. He looks cocky enough to put his vampire-self to shame, but I sense the lie in his demeanour. Wes doesn't say anything, but I see him narrow his eyes as he takes in the changes.

"Ok, Buffy, so how do you want to play this?" Wes asks, as soon as we're settled.

"Well, unless you can tell me that you've found a way round Lilah's ability to get into Spike's head, then I think we should get on with it - leave for Las Vegas today, or at the latest tomorrow."

"I'd hoped to have more time to find out some more about the Carnolan social structure and so on, …"

"There's what Lilah gave me," I remind him.

"But we've no idea how much of that is truth and how much just what they want us to believe," Spike butts in.

"Very true," Wes agrees. "And I understand your haste, but I'd have to advise a slight delay - a couple of days, that would allow me to …"

"Wes," I say, making my voice clear and, I hope, not allowing my internal emotional turmoil to be seen, "if you don't get that booking done today, then I'm going to do it. I want to be at that hotel by tomorrow night, absolute latest. Is that clear?"

"Perfectly," he replies. "I don't think this is the wisest course, but if that's the way you want it …"

"It is."

He nods, starting to get up from where he's sitting. I put a hand on his shoulder before he stands.

"Thanks, Wes. For everything. And especially for not arguing about this."

"Would it do me any good?"

"Not the slightest."

"It seems a wise course to save my energy for a cause I actually have a chance of influencing." He smiles wryly as he says that, then he's back to business.

"I'll get my PA, sorry, my ex-PA to do the booking. Hotel, flight and car hire. I've already obtained a complete set of paperwork for Spike. His background will specify that he's of 'independent means'. That'll account for the money you'll be spending. I'll call you with the flight details as soon as I have them."

"Thanks," I reply, then go to get up, but Wes tells me he can find his own way out. To my surprise, Spike gets up anyway, and when I look at him questioningly, he answers that he needs to 'use the boys'' room.

Once they're in the hallway, I hear voices, so I approach the doorway. I'm not too surprised by what I hear.

"Promise me, mate," Spike's voice.

"I hardly think Buffy would…"

"She wouldn't. But, I need you to promise me. If I hurt her, make sure I can't do it again. I don't care how. Set Angel on me, whatever it takes."

There's silence then, and I assume Wes is stalling, or trying to think of something else to say.

"I hope I'd find a more … humane way than setting Angel on you. I have memories, recently restored to me, of how he reacted when he believed I was responsible for hurting someone else he loved. But, I promise."

I hear a sharp exhalation from Spike then, followed by both the bathroom and front doors closing. I force the conversation out of my mind for now. If something happens, there'll be time to make sure Wes doesn't keep his promise. In the meantime, I've got packing to do.