Chapter 25 – Cutting

We've been here two days. Two days, in which I've spent time talking, and even more time listening, to women who've decided to spend their lives among demons. I've listened a bit to the men, the Carnolans, too but that's been rather less satisfactory. It seems that Winston's not actually as extreme as I'd hoped. In terms of social understanding, they're all very, well, immature is one way of looking at it. They seem brusque and arrogant and don't seem to have any wish to ingratiate themselves with anyone. Not that I want that, exactly, it's just, when you're dealing with people, there're certain things you expect, certain courtesies and habits you just take for granted. Things like knowing how to have a conversation rather than talking at the other person, and not continually looking me up and down as if I was quite literally on the market. After the first time or two when I met with some men or a mixed group, I left Spike out of these discussions. His temper wasn't coping. Not that this solved the problem, because afterwards I had to deal with a Spike who oscillated between jealous and hopeless and persuade him all over again that I only want him. Mind you, the persuading was fun. And, I can't help but think he's started to realise that I wouldn't be interested in a Carnolan even if he weren't around – his most recent protestation was lacking authenticity.

According to Lucy, the lack of social understanding among the Carnolans has been a problem, and she's been working to put it right. It seems that the way the Carnolan mind works just makes it difficult for them to understand human society. Their priorities are all about making money and their own families and society. In the recent past, the numbers of Carnolans actually persuading a woman to marry them have been few. Of course, the money has helped break the ice, but that, on its own, doesn't last. Apart from anything else, the information on the true identity of a boyfriend is only divulged after gaining the agreement of others. She implied that they had means of understanding the true motives of any of the women suggested, but she went quiet when I tried to find out how that was done.

I wondered about that, because, it seems to me that if there's a man who wants to get physical with a lady, and he can't marry her without getting permission, what's to stop him just going ahead and sleeping with her without disclosure? And, apparently, there's nothing to stop that, at least until the Carnolan is rendered fertile by the death of his mother. And again, there was a distinct clamming up as to how this was enforced.

The women, on the other hand, certainly seem happy. They're either all due Oscars, or it's genuine.

After our conversation with Lucy the other night, I put together a message for Wes. I explained as much as I could, grateful that at least Gina would be able to translate some of the abbreviations I used. If I'd been texting Giles, it'd have been pointless. Lucy suggested that she might get the phone back this morning, so maybe there'll be news.

It's barely dawn, and I'm lying in bed right now, propped on an elbow, watching Spike. I don't think I'll ever get tired of the sight. He looks so … angelic when he's asleep. Peaceful. Beautiful. A work of art. As I watch, he's becoming agitated, and I tense, ready to act if Lilah tries anything, but so far, it seems to be just a dream. I move away from him, just enough to give him room to move as it becomes obvious that he's fighting in this dream. Not that I'm in any danger of being hurt; his movements are just too small and controlled for that. There aren't any words I recognise, but he's muttering something. And then, it stops. He's still again, but before I can lie down close to him, he opens his eyes.

He seems as if he's not quite awake yet, looking at me as if he can't quite be sure I'm there. I put a hand out to touch his face, and he catches it, planting a kiss on my palm.

"I love you," I tell him. I've said it a lot lately, but he doesn't seem to be getting tired of hearing it.

"She said you would tell me."

Not the answer I expected, but I'm intrigued.

"Who?"

"The girl. The girl who was going to be hurt. I was dreaming about it. Back in the school, when I was hearing the voices. You told me there was a girl, and someone was going to hurt her. Some wankers were going to sacrifice her to a demon. She said you'd tell me. Some day, you'd tell me."

"Tell you what?" I ask, remembering Cassie, the girl I couldn't save.

"She didn't say, and I didn't know then. I know now. And you did. The day I burned up, you told me you loved me. How did she know?"

"She just knew, I guess."

He never mentioned what she said. All that time, and he didn't say anything. Did I love him then, right back then, when I was trying to save Cassie? I didn't think so, but … But then I couldn't say when it changed, when it became love.

There's someone knocking at our door, and I jump up and pull on a wrap before going to answer it. Spike, of course, doesn't have a wrap, and pulling on jeans that tight takes a little longer, so he stays where he is.

It's Lucy, and she's holding out my cell phone and a piece of paper.

"Here's your phone back," she tells me. "And there was some voice mail, so I had someone transcribe it before it came back into the enclave. Looks like there're some text messages too, but I don't know what they're about."

"You mean you didn't check?"

"No, I didn't. Obviously, someone had to listen to the voice messages."

I turn around again, closing the door behind me, and fall back on the bed, pressing the keys to access the texts. Spike takes the paper from my hand, and for a moment we both read in silence.

Wes was worried. By the sound of it, my message didn't change that, but he's agreed to wait for now. There's a second message from him that doesn't seem to make much sense.

Tree still working. Believe breakthrough possible.

I look at it a couple of times before it dawns on me. It's the word breakthrough that does it, in the end. The only breakthrough I'm interested in is the one that will free Spike from Lilah's control. That explains the rest of it. The tree I assume is Willow, and it all sounds hopeful.

By the time I've translated that, Spike's looking over my shoulder. He seems to understand it too, because he looks a little happier than he did.

"What's on the paper?" I ask.

"Dawn's been calling you, sounds worried. And a couple from Gina. Just hoping things are ok, and that she's worrying too."

I take the paper from him, and it's obvious that there's more than these bald statements on it. As I start to read, he grabs some things, pulls on his pants, and tells me he's going to shower.

I read the messages, and, well, there're a lot more words there, but he actually summed it up pretty well. I immediately try to put a text together for Dawn in the hope that I can get Lucy to send it. Unfortunately, there's so much I need to tell her, and it's just not feasible. I stick to the bare fact that I'm safe, and promise to call her first chance I get and suggest she contact Wesley for more information.

I lie back on the bed and consider joining Spike in the shower, but I decide I'm just too comfortable where I am. Anyway, if I'm still here, maybe I can persuade Spike to join me when he comes back, and then I'll need to shower anyway.

I come awake suddenly, the way you do when you had no thought of sleeping in the first place. I'm cold, and, although I've no idea how long I've been asleep, I'm concerned there's no sign that Spike's come back. I go down to the bathroom and I'm surprised to hear water still running. I call on Spike, but he doesn't answer. It occurs to me that it might be Lucy in there now, so I run down to the first floor to see if Spike's there, but deep down, I know something's wrong. I find Lucy in her kitchen, and ask her if she's seen Spike. She says she hasn't, and assumes he's responsible for the lack of hot water. I run back upstairs, hearing Lucy behind me. I call again, and again I get no response. I try the door, and it's locked.

"What's wrong?" Lucy asks from behind me.

I don't answer, I just put my shoulder to the door. The lock gives easily, and I run into the room, pulling aside the curtain. The first thing I see is the blood. Lots of it, running down the drain, mixing with the icy water that's still running. I hear a gasp from Lucy as she follows me in.

Spike's crouching in the bathtub, and he's got a razor blade in his hand. He's been scoring his chest arm and legs, cutting into his flesh, and he's shaking with cold and humming to himself.

I grab the nearest towel, switch off the water and wrap it around him.

"Can you get a first aid kit?" I demand of Lucy, and she nods then disappears.

Spike's shaking his head now, and then he speaks. Or, at least, it's his voice, but I know it's Lilah.

"Just a little reminder, Slayer. I didn't expect to go this long without seeing results. Just don't get sidetracked."

I know the instant she's gone, because Spike goes limp, dropping the blade, no longer needing to resist. I gather him up in my arms, lift him to his feet and turn around to find Lucy behind me, a box in her hand.

"I'll take him upstairs," I say, starting to walk him there. He's shivering, and I wonder what else Lilah was doing to him. At the door of our bedroom, I turn and take the box from Lucy, then continue to take Spike to the bed. He's weak, but I don't have to carry him.

"I'll go," Lucy says from the doorway. "Let me know if you need anything else."

I smile my thanks towards her, and she closes the door behind her.

Spike's just lying there, the towel covering him like some sort of gory shroud. His eyes are closed, and his breathing's very shallow. I peel back the towel, checking his chest, arms and legs. The cuts are shallow, but they've bled a lot, and he's pale. It's hard to estimate how much blood he's lost, and right now, I really wish he was still a vampire so I could be sure that he'd be ok.

I start to clean him off, gently wiping the cuts on his arm with an antiseptic cloth, and he winces then opens his eyes. He bats my hand away, muttering something and trying to sit up.

"Lie back," I tell him. "Let me check you out."

"I'm fine," he disagrees. "Just surface cuts. Had to do it."

"I know," I say. "Just another item on the reckoning I'm preparing for Lilah. But you must've lost a lot of blood, so I'm going to ask Lucy what they do about injuries round here."

"No," he says, putting a surprisingly strong hand on my arm.

"Spike, you're human now. You need to get checked out, maybe a transfusion. The blood …"

"Was pretty dilute. Look, most of the cuts have already stopped bleeding."

I take another look, and see he's right. Now that the water's no longer obscuring the picture, I can see that some of the cuts have already crusted over, and others look older than they should.

"How long ago did you do some of these?" I ask.

"Started just after I got into the bathroom. Almost as if she knew you were out of the way."

There's another knock on the door then, and Lucy opens it without waiting for an answer. Beside her is Jessie, one of the women I met the other day.

"Lucy told me there's been an accident. Like I said when we talked, I'm a nurse, trained as one anyway, even if I'm not working right now on account of the little ones. She thought maybe I could help."

I nod my head. "Yeah, I think he may need more than a band aid."

Spike's obviously not happy, but he doesn't stop her from examining him, then checking his pulse and blood pressure.

"How long since you gave me my phone back?" I ask, cursing the fact that I had no idea.

Lucy checks her watch before replying. "About an hour and a half, maybe a little more."

I realise then that Spike must have been in that shower for over an hour. But it still doesn't make sense.

Jessie turns round to gesture me back to the bedside.

"He seems to be in pretty good shape considering," she says. "His pulse is a bit high, but that's to be expected, and his blood pressure's at the low end of normal range. He might get a few giddy spells, but he should be fine. It would've been better to let me have a look sooner, though. Some of those cuts are hours old. If you want my professional opinion, he should see a psychiatrist. Cutting himself like that – one day it's going to go too far."

She leaves then, and Lucy gives me a concerned look before leaving too.

"What happened, Spike?" I ask. "Has Lilah been having you cutting yourself for days?"

As I say it, I know it's ridiculous. I've become intimately acquainted with Spike's body lately, and I'd know if this had happened before.

"Don't be daft," he answers. "All happened this morning."

"But she said, …"

"Don't care what she said. Maybe she's not such a good nurse."

"But, she's right," I say, pointing to the cuts on his legs. "They don't look fresh."

"Well, I started there," he admits.

"Yeah, an hour and a bit ago."

"Is that all?" he asks, seeming bewildered.

"Yeah, sorry, I fell asleep. Didn't know you'd even been gone that long." I'm feeling guilty about that, but I force myself to think about something more constructive.

"So, why did she have you cutting yourself? What's that supposed to gain her, except for pissing me off?"

"She didn't want me to cut myself," he says, grimacing and doing that jerky thing with his head.

"What?"

"What do you think, love? She wanted me to hurt you, or failing that, anyone else I could find. Started putting these ideas in my head, and I tried to fight her. She was winning, right up till I found that razor by the bath. Took out the blade, and managed to distract myself."

"You … chose to …"

I punch him lightly on the shoulder, then feel instant remorse when he grimaces.

"But why?"

"She knew you were asleep. She said you'd stay that way too, for a while. But she gave me the choice – hunted through my memories, found an image or two of the kiddies we say yesterday. She … she …"

I lay myself down on the bed beside him, and hold him close. The trembling's started again, but I don't think it's from cold this time. I rock him gently in my arms, and soon he's fallen asleep.

While he sleeps, I'm thinking. He healed, and is healing, fast. Slayer fast. Or vamp fast. And he managed to thwart Lilah. And Lilah managed to get through to him here. Now, does that mean that the compulsion was somehow weakened by the enclave? Or has he really found a way to resist the compulsion. Unfortunately, if the compulsion actually involves hurting himself rather than someone else, I don't see how this method is going to work. Not that I even want a repeat of this method. I don't want to leave him now. The way he's clinging to me is just so needy. But, I need to talk to Lucy. We've found out what we can for now. What I need is to come up with a plan. And to do that, I need better access to Wes and Willow than I've got in here. We need to get back outside the enclave, and we need that now. I just hope I can persuade Lucy.