Chapter 28 – Talking and Listening

And suddenly, I'm alone. Well, Lucy's in her room, but I can't see her so that doesn't count. Wes and Spike went off a few minutes ago, Wes all grim determination, and Spike twitching with excitement despite his almost equal resolve.

I sit down for a moment. I should go to bed, I know that, but right now, I'm too wired to sleep. And I'm probably crazy, but the idea of going to bed without Spike right now – not one that appeals.

I spot my cell phone on the table where I left it, and I realise that it's past time I told Dawn what's been happening. Checking my watch, I realise she should be just about out of bed. Unlike her teenage self, she's an early riser these days. Which is just as well, because I don't want to wait any longer to phone her.

"Hey, Dawn," I greet her.

"Oh, hello, prodigal sister. Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you for …"

"I know, Dawn, and I'm sorry. Look, can you talk now? Because what I've got to tell you might take a while."

"Er, ok," she answers, curiosity obvious in her voice. "Let me just pour some coffee, and get comfortable."

"You sure I'm not going to make you late for work?"

"Buffy, this sounds important. And, so I go in a little late? It's not like I stick to a set time to finish."

I hear some rustling in the background, and I get a mental picture of her holding the phone to her ear with her shoulder while she gets her coffee and takes it into her living room to sit down.

"Right, you have my attention," she announces suddenly, and I've got to speak. The only problem is I don't know where to begin. But, I've got to start somewhere, and I remember the last thing I discussed with her.

"Remember when I split up with Angel?"

"Yes …" she answers, sounding as if she's expecting bad news.

"Well, just after that I went out of state for a few days, and my memories of Sunnydale got clearer. I started remembering details I'd forgotten, and thinking about Spike became the norm again, rather than something I had to concentrate on. It seems someone had been trying to make me forget about him. Wes was affected too, and Willow did something so we wouldn't forget again. And I had these dreams about Spike."

"Buffy, maybe forgetting about Spike was a good thing. You were so much happier when …"

"When I had the memories stolen?" I demand. "That wasn't happiness, not really. It was just taking away the pain without doing anything to heal the injury. Anyway, to cut a very long story short, it seems that the amulet Spike wore in Sunnydale came with a 'come back' clause. And he did. He came back."

The silence at the other end of the line is literally deafening.

"Buffy, did you say Spike came back?"

"Yes."

"Wow. So, what happened? I mean, how did he come back? Did he still have his soul or has he gone back to being the big bad?"

"Dawn, he came back human."

"Ok, now, just making sure. He came back human?"

"That's right."

"So, where is he now? What's he doing?"

"Right now, he's off with Wes seeing to some business."

"But, you're not together, are you? I mean, after everything, I know you were friends again, but you wouldn't …"

"Dawn, I love him. I've loved him since those last few months in Sunnydale, and maybe before then. And he still loves me. So, yes, we're together."

There's another silent pause until Dawn speaks again.

"Buffy, are you sure? I mean, after …"

"Dawn, I've never been so sure of anything in my life."

"Are you happy?"

"That's hard. No, things aren't perfect right now. There've been some consequences to bringing him back, and there's some bad stuff to sort out, Slayery stuff that I'm not going to discuss on the phone. But I know I can't be happy without him, so I really want to give it a go."

"Slayery stuff? I thought you'd retired."

"Let's just say I wasn't given much choice."

"Ok, so, how is human Spike doing? I mean, you didn't cope well with Riley being all weak and kitteny."

"He's not."

"Not kitteny?"

"Something like that. He wasn't happy about being human, not at first. But I think he's getting used to it. Look, I can't say much more right now. When it's all over, how about Spike and I come for a visit?"

"I don't know," she says, and she sounds more subdued than during the rest of the conversation.

"What don't you know?"

"I don't know if I want to see him. I mean, after what he did, or tried to do … to you. Then he ran. He ran away."

"He came back, though."

"I know, but then, I wasn't … I didn't …"

"You were good friends once."

"I know. But we weren't at the end. I don't think he forgave me for that time when I kicked you out of the house. I didn't think I cared about him then, but the way he looked at me after that, it hurt. There was so much. I don't know. And anyway, why hasn't he called me? Why did he leave it up to you to tell me?"

"About the first thing he did was look up your number on my cell phone. I think he even dialled, but didn't speak. He needed to know you were ok."

"But he couldn't talk to me."

"I expect he didn't know whether or not you'd want to talk to him. Hardly surprising when it seems you don't know either."

"Ok, look, I've got to get ready for work. I'll think about it."

"Promise?"

"Promise. But you've got to tell me everything. I get that you can't say it all on the phone, but I really want to know."

"I will. When we get through this, I'll come and visit, and it'll be up to you whether or not you talk to Spike. How does that sound?"

"Good, I think."

We finish the call, and I stand up and stretch. The call to Dawn seems to have taken the last of my energy, so I decide to go and lie down on top of the bed. I don't want to go to bed until Spike gets back, but lying on top of the covers, fully clothed, doesn't count, does it?

I go into the hallway, and, out of habit, go to check the door is locked. As I reach for the handle, someone turns it from the outside, so I step back, out of the way, ready to defend myself.

When the door opens, I'm surprised. Of all the people likely to be letting themselves into my home, I think she's about the least likely. Lilah Morgan.

She holds her hands up in a defensive gesture saying, "Hold on there, Slayer. There're some things you need to hear, and then I'll be gone."

I look at her for several moments, wondering at the nerve that would bring her here. I'm surprised I haven't hit her already, and I try to work out why. It occurs to me that she's changed since I last saw her. Then, she was all confident arrogance. Now, she's … well, if I didn't know better, I'd say she looks scared.

"This had better be good," I reply, taking on a defensive stance. "And I can always get with the causing you pain afterwards."

"Can we sit down?" she asks, and again I'm struck with how different she is.

I nod, and gesture her towards the living room. Once in there, she takes off her jacket, and her bare arms are covered with strange black symbols.

"Not your usual ," I comment, nodding towards her arms.

"Well, you're right, but I thought it suited me better than the alternative."

"Which is?"

"Battered, bruised and screaming in pain?"

"Is that supposed to protect you from me?" I ask in total disbelief.

"No, it's supposed to protect me from something I'm actually afraid of."

Ok, not sure what's going on now, but she's got my attention.

"You said you had something to say," I remind her.

"Yes," she agrees. "And it's important."

"So, talk."

And she does.

"I'm a simple gal really. Knew what I wanted, and that was power. Wanted to make sure I would never be dependent on another human being. I wanted to be my own person, and I honestly didn't care much if I hurt someone else on the way. It's a simple life, really. Keeps the options straightforward."

I haven't said anything, but maybe the fact that I'm tapping my foot impatiently has given her the impression that I'm waiting for this to be worth listening to.

"I've done things that would upset most consciences. I've done things that would turn most stomachs. And, you know what? I've never regretted it. Never. And then, out of the blue, I get some instructions, and I can't do it. Not only can't I do it, but I can't come up with a single alternative that would pacify the Senior Partners. They're adamant that there's only one way, and all my suggestions were ignored."

She stops again as if she's still struggling to understand this strange aberration in her personality.

"What did they ask you to do?" I demand, although I've already got an idea.

"They told me to take Gina, and deliver her to a holding dimension. They needed to have a lever for you since Spike was clever enough to find a way past the compulsion of the amulet."

"But you took her, anyway."

"Yes, I did. I took her, but I hid her. It was an impulse thing. I couldn't do that to Wes. And before you start thinking it, I haven't gone soft. I don't love him, never did. But … there's something about him. You know? Something sort of old world noble, and I just couldn't do that to him."

"So where is she?"

"She's safe. Really. It would be better if you don't try to find her. When it's safe, those who're keeping her for me will know, and they'll be in touch."

"But, what's to stop the Senior Partners from finding you and getting the information from you?"

"Well, there's the latest accessory in being inconspicuous," she says as she glances at the marks on her arms.

"They hide you?"

"Yes. And you'd better hope they're good, because they're what I used to hide Gina too."

"So that's your plan. You hide until it's all gone quiet, and then you go back to business as usual."

She looks at me in frank disbelief.

"You don't know the Senior Partners at all, do you?"

I assume that's one of those questions that don't need an answer, so I don't attempt one.

"They won't forgive this. There isn't any way I can get back after this."

"So you're planning on, what, hiding out for the rest of your life? No, wait, you're not alive."

"What I'm planning on is using my escape plan."

"You've got an escape plan?"

"Well, yeah. Wes got me thinking. Back then, he tried to burn my contract, tried to set me free. And I thought, maybe, there'd come a time when I needed to get out. But they own me. They've got my soul, and there's no way I can ever get it back. Wes doesn't know it, but he did the research, or most of it. I came up with a way to get out, but it means I get right out."

"What do you mean, 'right out'?"

"It means I just won't exist any more. No body, no soul, no memories, no Lilah. It just extinguishes everything that makes me me. And you know, since I died, nothing has the same meaning. It's been a bit like sitting down to the most amazing banquet and finding it all tastes of sawdust."

"So, you destroy yourself. What do you want, a medal? Because …"

"Slayer, I'm not going to waste any more time on this. I need you to believe that Gina is safe. Personally, I don't care about the girl. She's nothing to me, but I couldn't be responsible for the pain it would cause Wesley if she was hurt. So, I did what I did. Now, if you take her from where she's safe, that's on your conscience, not mine."

"It's not that simple," I argue.

"No, really, it is."

And to her, I've got no doubt that's true.

She stands up then, and reaches over to where she left her jacket, and takes a small crystal out of the pocket. It's clear, maybe an inch and a half across and it could almost be diamond, but if it is, it's got a huge flaw in the centre. The innermost part of the stone is an inky black mixed with a sickly green, and it's roiling about in there. Lilah's staring at it, as if transfixed.

"Not exactly pretty, is it?" she comments, but she's not really talking to me.

"What are you going to do?" I ask.

She answers, but again, I don't think she's talking to me.

"It's my essence. It needs to be kept somewhere, or it will cease to be. It took me a good deal of bribery to get it in one of these, but, like I said, I needed an escape route. All I have to do is let it out into the air, and I'll be gone. Even my soul will just cease to exist."

She takes one last look at the crystal before closing her hand around it.

"Tell Wes to hang in there. Tell him, … tell him, … it's sometimes the strangest things that come back to bite you."

With that, she grips the crystal tighter, and I see her wince in pain. I wonder what she's doing, because I don't believe she's going to be able to crush that stone. My eyes are on her hand, and then I see the blood start to seep from her closed fist. She opens her hand again, and I can see it. The blood, from several deep wounds on her hand, is eroding the crystal, as if it's acid, thinning out the barrier between her essence and the world. And then, the first gap in the barrier appears, and the greeny black stuff starts to leak out, but it never makes it. No sooner does it emerge, than it disappears. It only takes about a minute, and it's all gone, and when I look up, so is Lilah.

I stand there in shock for a moment, almost unable to take in what I've seen. And then I notice the jacket, still lying on my sofa where she threw it. It looks so odd there, like a bad memory, so I pick it up intending to put it straight into the trash. But there's something odd about it – it seems strangely heavy. I frisk the jacket, trying to find what's there, and I feel something hard and heavy in one of the pockets. I turn the jacket upside-down over the sofa, and watch as something falls from the pocket. I gaze at it in disbelief for a second before picking it up. I can only assume this is Lilah's way of persuading me that she's been telling the truth. I can't believe I've got it in my hand, but it's there, hard and solid. It's the controller for the amulet.