***
Finally! Here it is...the first part of
the 2nd fic in the SiT
series. Sorry it took me so long to get
it out! Even though I haven't been
posting, I have been writing...working on this series, and also a fic I'm co-writing with *Stars*...so I haven't been totally
slacking! Hope you like this part!
~Isis
***
Title: A Moment For Goodbye - #2 in the 'Shadows in Time' series
Author: Isis Blue
Feedback: vagabond_angel@comcast.net
Disclaimer: must this be stated every time? But to answer the question, not I don't own them…I'm borrowing them because certain writers are cruel and heartless.
Rating: R-ish
Pairing: B/A, as always
Series Summary: post-s3 (BTVS) AU…departs from canon after the s3 finale and jumps into my own universe. From there, almost everything will be different. A few characters and concepts will pop-up, but really, this doesn't relate at all to the seasons that followed s3.
Fic Summary: Angel tries to move on with his life, but his thoughts keep drifting back to Buffy.
Spoilers: The first fic in the series (A Far Cry From Yesterday – link above) and anything through the end of s3 of BTVS, but mostly the end of s3.
Distribution: my site (Vagabond Soul), and if you already have any of my fics, you may take this one, if not, please ask first.
Author's Notes: This is sort of a companion piece to 'A Far Cry From Yesterday' and catches up with what has been going on with Angel. Initially, this was going to just be a short songfic, but then I got the idea for the series and it got turned into the second fic in the series.
AN2: The song is "Good Night Sweet Girl" by Ghost of the Robot...for those of you who don't know, that is James Marsters' band…and uh, yeah I'm aware of the serious irony caused by using a song of theirs in a B/A fic. The lyrics may not be perfect, I got them off the net and then re-transcribed them.
AN3: Much thanks to my beta *Stars* whose help was invaluable.
Warnings: Angst, adult situations (sex)
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Part 1
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Angel's heavy, booted foot kicked the door closed after entering the room. His nose wrinkled in disgust as he took in the interior of the room. He quietly smirked at the thought of how only a few years ago this place would have looked like Heaven to him. Now it only looked like the cheap, dingy motel room that it was. It didn't really matter, though, he was only going to be staying there one night.
Dropping his overnight bag on top of the tiny, lopsided dresser, Angel shrugged out of his coat and placed it on the back of the only chair in the room. He glanced at the small, single bed covered by a threadbare, large print comforter and frowned at its size. The bed did not look the least bit comfortable. Still, it was better than dozing in the back seat of his car, again.
He crossed the small room and kicked off his shoes before flopping down onto the tiny bed. Grimacing, Angel rolled over onto the opposite side after a metal coil from one of the springs poked him in the back. He shifted around until he was able to lay without being jabbed by anything. At least the springs weren't made of wood.
As he lay there staring up at the water stained ceiling, pangs of hunger rippled through his body. He knew he'd have to feed soon. He could only hold off so long before the need for sustenance became too much, but the thought of ingesting blood disgusted him. It reminded him of what he truly was which then reminded him of why he'd been forced to leave Buffy.
Her image eased its way into his mind at that moment. It has been two months since he's seen her, but he could still picture her perfectly. Every detail of her was permanently etched in his memory. From her soft, golden blonde hair, to her heart-warming smile, to her ability to see him for more than the demon he was. She made him feel like a man. For a short while, she'd given him hope that he could be more than just a demon.
The reality of it all, though, was that he was a demon. And not just a demon. A vampire, forever forced to stalk in the shadows of the night, and to consume the very essence of life in order to survive. Nothing could, or would ever, change the barest truths of his existence. He'd known that, and for so long tried to push it to the farthest realms of his conscience, but it had been bluntly pointed out to him one morning months ago and he'd finally had to face what his heart hadn't wanted to. He was no good for her.
Buffy had been his savior, his guiding light. She'd, unknowingly, set him on a path of redemption. Everything that he'd become was due to her, but she deserved more than what he could ever give her. She was forced, by destiny, to bare the weight of the world on her shoulders. So much of her life had been taken from her, and he couldn't be responsible for her losing out on more of it.
If he had stayed, she would have been forced into the darkness with him. He'd never be able to take her to the beach, or for a picnic in the park, or do anything that required the light of day. She'd have to watch while he guzzled bags of blood in order to survive. He couldn't even express his love to her, worship her body as she rightly deserved, without the fear of unleashing the demon within him. And even if he could make love to her, his barren, dead seed would never produce children.
There was nothing he could give her. Nothing at all, except for a few moonlit strolls and hesitant hugs and kisses that could never lead anywhere. He couldn't take the small semblance of a normal life away from her that she should have. Her destiny had taken enough, he couldn't take the rest. She deserved everything, sunlight, nights of passion, a family...all things he couldn't give her.
So he left, tearing both their hearts to shreds in the process. It was the only thing he could do. The only thing he could give her; the chance for a normal life. Without him there, she could move on, find someone to love who could give her all that he could not. That's why he'd left. It didn't matter that his soul cried out constantly for her. It didn't matter that his worthless life was worth nothing without her. The only thing that mattered was knowing that she would have the chance to be happy without him there.
Even after two months his cold, unbeating heart still ached with a depressing constancy. It seemed as if the more distance he put between them, the more he thought about her. He'd spent the last two months slowly traveling east, farther and farther from Sunnydale and California. With each new day, he found himself somewhere new, but mentally and emotionally, he was still in Sunnydale. He knew, with an agonizing certainty, that it wouldn't matter where he went. She would always be a part of him whether he was in the same room as her or thousands of miles away.
His eyes flickered toward the closed curtains on the windows. He could feel the pull of the sun rising over the horizon. It would be so easy to fling back the curtains and wait for the harsh light of day to end his useless existence, but he couldn't do it. She'd told him, not so long ago, that it was the coward's way out, and she was right. So he'd go on, find some way to continue his miserable existence. There was still evil to fight and demons to slay.
With that in mind, he drifted off into another day of sleep filled with dreams of the tiny blonde who'd captured his heart, never realizing that it was his own demons that he should have been worrying about conquering.
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~the next night~
Angel slumped back against the dirty brick wall in the alley near the butcher shop he'd managed to find. In his hand he clutched a now empty container of blood that, once procured, he couldn't help but quickly ingest. His body had been starved of sustenance for so long that the mere smell of the thick liquid had sent him spiraling into full-blown blood lust that even he couldn't overcome. So he'd left the shop hurriedly and found the nearest dark alley before slurping down the viscous fluid, not caring that some of it had spilled out of his mouth and down his chin.
The meager container had done little to satisfy his needs, but it was enough to curb the unbearable thirst. He was tempted to pull another container out of the bag containing a large stock of blood, but he didn't. The supply he'd bought was going to be needed for the coming weeks when he wouldn't be able to get more.
Instead, he fought back his hunger as he did on a daily basis, which, really, wasn't as hard as it should have been. The packaged animal blood held even less appeal than it had before. Ever since that night, the one where Buffy had offered her life's blood to heal him, everything else seemed like a cheap, paltry imitation. Not even two months time could dull her unique taste to his senses.
He hated himself for having drank from her, for having almost killed her. At the same time, he was humbled by her unselfish gift. She had gone against her very nature and offered herself to save him. It only made him love her more, and yet it gave him one more reason to get himself as far away from her as possible. She shouldn't have had to do what she did, but she'd had to because of who he was; a vampire.
Shaking himself out of his thoughts, Angel dropped the empty container into the bag in his other hand. As much as he wanted to crawl into a dark hole and forever brood over his lost love, he had things to do. There were several more stops he had to make before his plans were set.
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A few hours later, Angel found himself standing on a walkway next to the water's edge, staring out at the soft, moonlit waves of the ocean. He had taken care of everything necessary for what he planned to do: purchased a supply of blood, a cooler to store it in, retrieved the few bags he'd taken with him from Sunnydale, and parked his beloved convertible in a long-term storage facility. Everything was set. Now, he just had to wait.
His eyes drifted over to the larger freighter docked nearby. He'd had to pull quite a few strings to get passage aboard the ship, but thankfully he'd managed to secure a small corner below deck in the cargo hold. There were a few perks to having lived so long and having the reputation he had, this was one of them. Soon, he'd be on that ship, headed to Europe, and farther away from the only woman he'd ever love and could never have.
"Nice view" a familiar voice spoke from behind him.
Angel whirled around to face the speaker, shock clearly written on his face. "Whistler?"
"Aww, I'm touched! You remember me," the demon mocked with a hand over his chest.
"What are you doing here?" Angel questioned with narrowed eyes, wanting to know why he'd been sought out.
"So much for pleasantries," mumbled Whistler with a shake of his head. His eyes shifted to the large ship nearby and then back to Angel. "Going somewhere?"
"Possibly," Angel replied warily and growing more worried by the demon's sudden appearance. "Is something wrong?"
"Wrong? No...I wouldn't say wrong. Unless of course you're referring to someone abandoning the destiny they were chosen for," Whistler replied in his usual crypticness.
Angel stared at him in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
"You, my friend. Or have you forgotten what you were hand picked to do?" the demon spoke with more than just a little venom in his voice. His bosses were not happy with the current situation, but unfortunately there was little they could do without directly interfering.
A pained looked crossed Angel's face at the reminder of his duty to the Slayer. "It's not that simple anymore," his voice answered in a harsh whisper.
"I imagine not," snorted Whistler. "None of us expected what we got from you two."
Sighing tiredly, Angel ran a hand through his hair and faced the demon who had sent him on the path to his soulmate. "Why are you here, Whistler?"
"Just making sure you know what you're doing," he nodded toward the ship that now had crewman boarding.
"Yes, I do," Angel stated, his voice lacking the conviction he'd meant to convey.
Whistler frowned at him and fought the urge to shake his head. There were so many things wrong with this situation, and so many things he knew that, unfortunately, he couldn't reveal. He was well aware of the Slayer's pregnancy, and it's impact, but it had been made clear to him that he was not to use that as a bargaining tool to get the ensouled vampire to stay. If Angel were to return, it had to be of his own free will, and not out of a sense of obligation.
"So you're just going to abandon her?" he questioned, hoping to play on the vampire's already heavy guilt.
"You don't understand," Angel bit out, turning away from the demon and leaning against the railing of the walkway.
"I understand perfectly, old friend," the demon sighed dejectedly. He'd done all he was allowed to do. The rest was up to Angel.
When Angel turned around a few minutes later, the demon was gone, leaving him to wonder why he'd been there at all and if what he was doing was right or not.
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TBC!