Disclaimer: If only I owned Harry Potter........ sigh.
Yeah, this is turning out to be a series of angst ficlets. It's a grouping of one-shots, all of them are different POVs.
Perfect
I never asked for this life.
I never wanted Hagrid to pick me up from that house.
I never wanted to be dropped off on a doorstep to a home where I'm unwanted.
I never wanted to be a savior.
I never wanted to be a celebrity.
I never wanted to be something people look at and expect to be perfect.
Whenever people look at me, they see the Boy-Who-Lived.
They don't see a real human being with talents and faults
They don't see someone with likes and dislikes
They don't see someone with strengths and weaknesses
They don't see someone with their own thought and feelings
They don't see someone with those nagging little thoughts that keep you awake at night
They don't see someone begging for approval and always getting it, but never believing it.
They say I'm the Boy-Who-Lived
They say I'm going to save the world.
They say I'm going to defeat Voldemort and free them from the cage of fear Voldemort has woven around them.
They say I can do no wrong
But I can.
I can do everything wrong.
I most likely will do everything wrong.
I most likely will betray Ron's trust in my abilities
I most likely will waste Hermione's research that she has spent so many long hours working on
I most likely will fall into darkness, never to come out until I'm so fully warped that no one can save me
I most likely will screw the world over and over and over again until it's just a hunk of charcoal.
I most likely will break when the world needs me the most.
Why does the world need me?
They say they need a savior, and that I'm it
But I'm not it.
I never wanted this.
I never wanted to be the one everyone runs to when they're in need.
Because when they do, I know I'll break.
I know I'm good for nothing
I know I suck at everything I do
I know I'm an idiot at everything I ever tried learning
I know I don't have enough spells memorized.
I know everyone thinks I'm great, but I'm not.
Sometimes I feel guilty because I know I'm not good enough to be the savior I have to be.
But then I feel angry; why should I have to be all that?
I never asked for it and I never wanted it and I still don't ask for it and I still don't want it and I will never ask for it and I will never want it.
Everyone expects everything of me and I know that I'm not good enough and when they say I am good enough, I know they're lying because there are so many flaws in what I do.
Whenever I perform a spell, I try to move my wand a certain way, but it's not right, it's supposed to move another way.
Whenever I'm practicing Quidditch it's so much fun and I love flying and it's incredible, but I can pick out every little flaw in what I do.
It's fine
It's not horrible
But it's not perfect
And I hate it because I have to be perfect
I know that if I ever say this to anyone, they'll immediately start saying crap like, "how can you possibly do anything not perfectly?", and I might believe them
For a short while
Then I remember that my godfather died of my stupidity
Then I remember that I'm not worthy enough to deserve kindness
Then I remember all the little flaws
Then I remember
And everything turns black
Despair clouds my mind
Darkness builds and builds all around me and it conquers everything and nothing can stop it, not Hermione, not Ron, not McGonagall, not even Dumbledore.
If they can't, how can I?
If I ever told this to anyone, they would call me mental, because they think I'm good at the things I do
I'm okay, but it's never good enough
They don't understand.
Do you?
Do you understand what it feels like to never be exactly what's needed?
Do you understand what it feels like to be an insignificant little bug, swept away in the onrushing tide
Do you understand what it feels like to feel fine one second, and the next, you have to beat yourself down into the dirt to make sure you don't get a big head
Do you understand what it feels like to never be able to say what you're thinking, to hold it all in, to never let it out, even when you have to or you'll die?
I almost want to die
I can't though
Everyone expects me to be all perfect and happy, but I'm not, I'm depressed, and they all expect so much and the pressure is building up and I can't breathe I can't breathe and it's horrible and they don't know what it feels like and if I died they would bring me back to life just so I can save them but I can't I can't save them no one can least of all me who is not even worthy-
I can't die
I literally can't
I have to save the world first
But I can't save the worlds
I will never save the world
Does that mean I'll never die?
But everyone has to die
Anyone mortal, at least
Does that mean I'm immortal?
So I will watch the world as it slips into its final stages, I will watch as Ron and Hermione build their lives together, I will watch as their lives will end together, I will watch as everyone's lives end.
I didn't ask for this.
Yeah, this is turning out to be a series of angst ficlets. It's a grouping of one-shots, all of them are different POVs.
Perfect
I never asked for this life.
I never wanted Hagrid to pick me up from that house.
I never wanted to be dropped off on a doorstep to a home where I'm unwanted.
I never wanted to be a savior.
I never wanted to be a celebrity.
I never wanted to be something people look at and expect to be perfect.
Whenever people look at me, they see the Boy-Who-Lived.
They don't see a real human being with talents and faults
They don't see someone with likes and dislikes
They don't see someone with strengths and weaknesses
They don't see someone with their own thought and feelings
They don't see someone with those nagging little thoughts that keep you awake at night
They don't see someone begging for approval and always getting it, but never believing it.
They say I'm the Boy-Who-Lived
They say I'm going to save the world.
They say I'm going to defeat Voldemort and free them from the cage of fear Voldemort has woven around them.
They say I can do no wrong
But I can.
I can do everything wrong.
I most likely will do everything wrong.
I most likely will betray Ron's trust in my abilities
I most likely will waste Hermione's research that she has spent so many long hours working on
I most likely will fall into darkness, never to come out until I'm so fully warped that no one can save me
I most likely will screw the world over and over and over again until it's just a hunk of charcoal.
I most likely will break when the world needs me the most.
Why does the world need me?
They say they need a savior, and that I'm it
But I'm not it.
I never wanted this.
I never wanted to be the one everyone runs to when they're in need.
Because when they do, I know I'll break.
I know I'm good for nothing
I know I suck at everything I do
I know I'm an idiot at everything I ever tried learning
I know I don't have enough spells memorized.
I know everyone thinks I'm great, but I'm not.
Sometimes I feel guilty because I know I'm not good enough to be the savior I have to be.
But then I feel angry; why should I have to be all that?
I never asked for it and I never wanted it and I still don't ask for it and I still don't want it and I will never ask for it and I will never want it.
Everyone expects everything of me and I know that I'm not good enough and when they say I am good enough, I know they're lying because there are so many flaws in what I do.
Whenever I perform a spell, I try to move my wand a certain way, but it's not right, it's supposed to move another way.
Whenever I'm practicing Quidditch it's so much fun and I love flying and it's incredible, but I can pick out every little flaw in what I do.
It's fine
It's not horrible
But it's not perfect
And I hate it because I have to be perfect
I know that if I ever say this to anyone, they'll immediately start saying crap like, "how can you possibly do anything not perfectly?", and I might believe them
For a short while
Then I remember that my godfather died of my stupidity
Then I remember that I'm not worthy enough to deserve kindness
Then I remember all the little flaws
Then I remember
And everything turns black
Despair clouds my mind
Darkness builds and builds all around me and it conquers everything and nothing can stop it, not Hermione, not Ron, not McGonagall, not even Dumbledore.
If they can't, how can I?
If I ever told this to anyone, they would call me mental, because they think I'm good at the things I do
I'm okay, but it's never good enough
They don't understand.
Do you?
Do you understand what it feels like to never be exactly what's needed?
Do you understand what it feels like to be an insignificant little bug, swept away in the onrushing tide
Do you understand what it feels like to feel fine one second, and the next, you have to beat yourself down into the dirt to make sure you don't get a big head
Do you understand what it feels like to never be able to say what you're thinking, to hold it all in, to never let it out, even when you have to or you'll die?
I almost want to die
I can't though
Everyone expects me to be all perfect and happy, but I'm not, I'm depressed, and they all expect so much and the pressure is building up and I can't breathe I can't breathe and it's horrible and they don't know what it feels like and if I died they would bring me back to life just so I can save them but I can't I can't save them no one can least of all me who is not even worthy-
I can't die
I literally can't
I have to save the world first
But I can't save the worlds
I will never save the world
Does that mean I'll never die?
But everyone has to die
Anyone mortal, at least
Does that mean I'm immortal?
So I will watch the world as it slips into its final stages, I will watch as Ron and Hermione build their lives together, I will watch as their lives will end together, I will watch as everyone's lives end.
I didn't ask for this.