Author's Note: Believe it or not the dreams just keep on getting scarier. Oh and Alfonso, no hard feelings. (Prays Chris Columbus comes back to direct the movies) anyways, here is the sixth scary strange chapter, with special guest...

Chapter 6: BE OUR GUEST!

The next morning Hermione was dreading falling back asleep. Would she have another strange perverted dream?

"What's wrong 'Mione?" Ron asked.

Hermione wouldn't dare tell Ron this dream. "Nothing Ron. I just miss Harry that's all."

"He's only at work," Ron laughed.

Hermione ignored him and rubbed her pregnant belly. She remembered reading that pregnant women often had 'wet' dreams. But shouldn't they be with Harry and not Lupin?

"I had another dream." Hermione said.

"About Lupin?" Ron guessed.

"Yes! Why the hell am I having dreams about him?"

"I dunno. Have you been thinking about him lately?"

"No, not at all. But why do I keep having strange senseless stupid dreams!"

"Maybe it's because you are sexually frustrated?"

"Wow Ron, you may be right."

"When was the last time Harry fucked you?"

"Ron! That's personal!"

"That long?" Ron laughed.

"Well...no..." Hermione blushed.

"Hey, if it'll help get rid of these strange dreams, then I'll take the kids to play miniature golf tonight. That way you and Harry could have alone time."

"Will you, please?" Hermione begged.

"Sure, no problem. Just don't tell Harry our plan."

"Deal. Oh and Ron, did you really give Lupin that Speedo to be mean!"

"Yeah!" Ron laughed. "Hey Hermione, did you really see him naked in the shower?"

"How the hell did you find out?" Hermione demanded.

"He told me!" Ron laughed unable to breathe.

Hermione got up from the table to make tea.

"So tell me Herm," Ron giggled, "Was it...impressive?"

"Ron! What's with men comparing their wankers!?"

"Men, are competitive, so tell me? Big, small?"

"Are you gay, Ron?" Hermione laughed. "Why would you want to know how big his wanker is?"

Ron smiled evilly. "Just to know."

"Okay, it was...normal I guess."

"How normal?"

"For God's sake Ron! I've only seen Harry's! And its not like I gawked at Lupin!"

"How normal?" Ron asked again as he began to laugh.

"NORMAL! I don't know! It was a quick glimpse damn't!"

"Bigger than Harry's?"

Hermione just walked out of the room leaving a laughing Ron in the kitchen.

"Annoying little bugger, isn't he Sirius?" She asked her pregnant mound as she walked upstairs. "Oh wait," she whispered. "RON!"

"Yeah?" Ron asked from the kitchen.

"I'm going to take a nap! Come monitor me and see if I act strange!"

Ron wasted no time to come up to Harry and Hermione's bedroom.

"Okay Ron, if I begin to sleep talk or make any strange gestures, just wake me up."

"And this is supposed to help by?"

"By making sure that if I have another embarrassing dream that I'm not yelling it aloud for Harry to hear."

"Good deal. Go on sleep, I'll watch over you."

"Thanks."

But Hermione didn't know that hiring Ron for such a sensitive job was a bad idea.

"MUMMY!" Francesca yelled as she ran into the bedroom.

"What dear?" Hermione asked as she lay down.

"Can we watch this?" Francesca asked anxiously as she held up a movie.

"Beauty and the Beast? All right. Ron, put this on for her."

Ron took the DVD from Francesca and stuffed it in the player. While the DVD was playing, Francesca was sitting on Ron's lap while Ron kept checking to see if Hermione had fallen asleep. And one time he peered over, she was snoozing away.

Hermione was in the Great Hall with everyone. By that everyone including, Fudge, Viktor Krum, Rita Skeeter, the Dursleys, the three headed dog and yes, even the annoying talking Jamaican head was there!

"What is this?" Hermione asked Harry.

"It's the reunion Hermione!"

"But why is everyone here?" She gasped when she noticed Lupin was there too.

Just then Snape walked up to Harry and Hermione and Hermione ducked behind her husband. "Um hello, Hades?"

"Hades?" Snape asked. And he walked away confused.

Dobby came up to Harry and gave him a big hug.

"Oh my God don't hit me!" Hermione yelled shielding herself.

"Why would I do that Miss?" Dobby said sadly as he gave Hermione a hug too.

(Somewhere in Scotland...)

JK Rowling sits at her computer reading peoples fan fictions. She decides to read something funny and finds my story.

"Hermione's Crazy Dreams?" She asks herself.

JK clicks on my story and reads.

"Why oh why do these sad lonely children ruin my book characters!" She yells out loud.

Her very scared shocked husband comes into her office. "What's wrong?" He asks.

"Look at what this strange person wrote about my book characters!" She yells pointing at the screen. "Remus Lupin is a kind consoling man. Not a stripper! And why the heck is Hagrid utterly convinced he's Santa Claus?"

"There, there, now," JK's husband says as he pulls up a chair. "They are just having a bit of fun!"

JK shakes her fist at screen. "I am going to leave a rude review on her email!"

And she types an evil review.

MrsThewlisRadcliffe is typing her strange story and receives an email. "OH A REVIEW!" I say happily and I open it up.

Hey mrsThewlisRadcliffe person! You're story sucks!

Love JK Rowling

"JK...wrote to me?" I say beginning to cry. "JK ROWLING! MY IDOL MY LORD AND SAVIOR!" I begin to cry insanely. "Oh, wait! She thinks it sucks? I'll make her see it my way."

I respond to JK's email: Thanks for your review! Count to five!

JK and her husband look at each other in confusion and count to five.

POOF!

They are in the Great Hall.

"OH MY GOD!" JK Rowling screams. "Where are we?" She asks her husband.

"Welcome! Welcome! To Hogwarts!" Dumbledore announces.

Author of this stupid story: Shoots Michael Gambon in head and revises Richard Harris and makes him Dumbledore instead.

"I believe ma'am you are at Hogwarts School," says the original Dumbledore.

Author of this stupid story: Aww, much better!

JK Rowling looks around herself confused.

Author of this stupid story: "Mrs. Rowling, I believe I put you at Hogwarts and added you to my dumb story!"

Everyone looks up at ceiling at the sound of my voice and screams.

"Are you GOD?" Snape asks me.

Author of this stupid story: "NO! YOU IDIOT! I'm the author of this stupid story!"

"Her name is Mrs. Murray!" Her husband interrupts.

Author of this stupid story: "Oh damn't you came too? Hey dude? Don't you have a name? So I can stop calling you 'JK Rowling's husband'?

"Yes, my name is Neil Murray. Dr. Neil Murray."

Author of this stupid story: "Alright, Dr. Murray. Make yourself at home and shut up while I narrate!"

Mr. Murray: "Okay! But hurry up I'm late for my eyebrow waxing appointment!"

Author of this stupid story: "OKAY! Keep your shirt on, here it goes!"

JK Rowling looks up at the ceiling and yells to me. "Hey! Who's going to baby sit my kids?"

Author of this stupid story: (Puts the three headed dog and five dragons in front of her house and sticks Professor McGonagall in charge of babysitting) "There! Happy?"

Harry, Ron and Hermione run up to JK Rowling and 'Dr.Murray'.

"Come have a seat!" Harry yells and leads Joanne and Neil to a seat to a new table I added in the Great Hall smack dab in the middle.

Author of this stupid story: (Gives JK Rowling a marvelous plate filled with food)

"Where's my food?" Her husband asks.

Author of this stupid story: "Oh, I forgot about you?"

"Do I still get food?" He asks again annoyed.

Author of this stupid story: "No, because I don't like you."

"Why don't you like me?" Dr. Murray asks.

Author of this stupid story: "Because you freaking got JK Rowling pregnant! And because of the kid she didn't do a tour for the fifth book! She would have come to the United States and done a book signing and I could have gone to see her...but no...you knocked her up and she had to stay at home and take care of your baby...while I freaking wait until the sixth book tour to meet her! SATISFIED!"

The Great Hall is quiet.

Author of this stupid story: "Sorry, everyone, continue..."

Harry goes up to JK and gets down on his knees and begs. "PLEASE! Bring Sirius back from the dead!"

JK Rowling looks at him with pity. "I'm sorry Harry, but I can't."

Harry looks at her puzzled. "Oh well, couldn't hurt to try."

Harry gets up on the table JK and Dr.Murray are sitting at and begins to sing.

Author of this stupid story: "Oh yeah! I forgot this was Hermione's dream!"

While Francesca and Ron are watching Beauty and the Beast, the music seeps into Hermione's brain...

Harry to JK Rowling: "Bonjour mademoiselle, it is with deepest pride and with greatest pleasure that we welcome you tonight. And now we invite you to relax let us pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents...your dinner!"

Food pops up on everyone's plates (yes even Dr. Murray's)

Harry starts singing, "Be – Our – Guest! Be our guest, put our service to the test! Tie your napkin around your neck Sherrie and we provide the rest! Soup de' Jour, Hot le' Flour? Why we only live to serve! Try the gray stuff it's delicious! Don't believe me ask the dishes! They can sing they can dance after all Miss; this is Hogwarts (yes, I changed that one lyric)!

Ron: "And our dinner here is never second best! Come on and fold your menu take a glance and then you'll be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest!"

Author of this stupid story: Takes a breather, and rewinds her Beauty and the Beast tape to make sure every word of that stupid song is correct.

Everyone in the Great Hall: Raises their drinking goblets and sings, "Beef something...something...something... (can't understand French damn't).

Harry: "You're alone and you're scared, but the banquets all prepared! No one's gloomy or complaining while the flat wears entertaining! We tell jokes I do tricks with my bold candlesticks!"

Everyone in the Great Hall: "With the unique perfect taste that you can bear! Come on and lift your glass you've won your own free pass to be our guest, if you're stressed it's fine dining we suggest! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST!"

Author of this stupid story: Shines a blue spot light on Ron.

Ron: Life is so unnerving, for a servant who's not serving, he's not whole without a soul to wait upon. Oh, those good old days when we were useful, suddenly those good old days are gone...TEN years we've been rusting needing so much more than dusting! Needing exercise a chance to use our skins! Most days we just lay around the castle. Why be fat and lazy you walked in and oopsey daisy!"

Author of this stupid story: Makes the blue spotlight go away and lights up great Hall again! MUHAHAHAHA!

Hermione: It's a guest! It's a guest! Thanks a lot and I'll be blessed! Wines been poured and thank the lord I've had the napkins freshly pressed! With that soup, she'll want tea, and my dear, that's fine with me! While the cups are doing their shooing I'll be bubbling I'll be brewing! I'll get hot...heaven's sakes is that a spot? Clean it up! With all the company impressed! We've got a lot to do for you our guest!

Teachers: She's our Guest!

Hermione: She's our guest!

Teachers: Jump on staff table and hold hands and start dancing, "She's our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest! Our guest will be so impressed! It's been years since we've had anybody here and we're obsessed! With our meals and our wheels yes ma'am we aim to please! With the candlelights still glowing! While the blah blah (damn volume!)

Ron: (Grabs sorting hat and puts it on and starts doing the moon walk) Course by course! One by one! Till you shout! Without a doubt!"

Everyone: Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST!

BE OUR GUEST!

Everyone puts their wand in the air and shoots off sparks and runs around Great Hall screaming and shouting and some people take off their clothes and scream and others start freak dancing. Hagrid and Filch are flying in circles. Buck Beak is eating Malfoy's head. Trelawney is juggling crystal balls. Snape is rubbing his butt in Goyle's face. Crabbe is doing twenty back flips in a row. Colin is taking pictures of Ginny Weasley as she flashes everyone. Fred and George are getting high. Dumbledore is farting. The flying Ford Anglia crashes into the Great Hall and kills all the Slytherins. Chris Columbus comes in and pops open a cold one. The Whomping Willow starts walking towards the Great Hall to have some fun. Peter Pettigrew rubs his legs in Voldemorts face. Lucius Malfoy is riding a bike. Crookshanks is fucking Mrs. Norris. Fudge starts doing jumping jacks. Viktor Krum is puts on a bra. Fluer is giving Karkaroff a piggyback ride.

Hedwig comes and rips out Mad-Eye-Moody's magical eyeball. Gilderoy Lockhart is signing autographs on people's butts. The basilisk comes and rips off all of the Hufflepuff's heads. Seamus is peeing on the wall. Dean is driving a monster truck over the dead Hufflepuffs. Neville is riding the basilisks screaming, "Yee Hah!" The blue Cornish pixies are throwing turds at people. Mr. And Mrs. Weasley are on their knees and barking at people like dogs. Percy is pouring mustard down his shirt. Professor Quirell is chocking Professor Umbridge with his turban. The ghosts are flying through people and saying cuss words. Flitwick is wearing a dress and doing a merry little jig. Madam Rosmerta is skipping and playing the flute.

And all of the house elves, including Dobby and Professor Lupin in the black Speedo are chasing around Hermione and hitting her with scepters screaming "DIE BITCH DIE!"

Then the Knight Bus drives in and blasts Linkin Park's 'Breaking the Habit!' song really loud breaking all the windows and the bus crushes all the Ravenclaws.

Then the Terminator comes and gets a bazooka and blows off the ceiling.

And the band AFI comes in and starts singing, 'The Leaving Song Pt.2'

Alfonso Cuaron comes in, "Why couldn't they sing something wicked this way comes?"

Author of this stupid story: "I thought I killed you Cuaron!" (Makes Alfonso a human piñata and the house elves stop hitting Hermione and start hitting him instead)

Lupin transforms into a werewolf and howls. Then the author of this stupid story changes Alfonso Cuaron back into a human, and Lupin bites off his head.

And all this time JK Rowling and her husband are praying they'd live to see their children again.

Author of this stupid story: "EVERYONE STOP!"

Everyone stops.

Author of this stupid story: "Had enough JK Rowling?"

JK Rowling stands up. "Are you nuts? Did you know I was pregnant with my third baby!"

Everyone including myself gasps.

Author of this stupid story: "Oh yeah, I forgot!"

Madam Pomfrey comes into Great Hall and gives JK Rowling's husband a vasectomy.

Everyone cheers.

Author of this stupid story: "Sorry, JK Rowling, here I'm putting you back safe and sound."

POOF!

JK Rowing is back at her computer with her husband by her side. "Neil?" She asks her husband.

"Yes?" He asks as he complains about his sore groin.

"What the hell was that all about?"

JK Rowling types a new review for my story.

I open the email and read: Excellent story! Love Jo Rowling

Author of this stupid story: (Begins to cry of happiness)

Hermione woke up screaming and Ron looked at her wide-eyed.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

Hermione picked up the phone and called Harry at work.

"Potter," said Harry.

"Harry! Come home now and FUCK ME! That's an order!"

And she hung up.