Chapter 10
I can't breathe.
I can't speak.
And I can't even contemplate moving an inch.
"P-pardon?" I managed to choke out after three long, agonizing minutes. Leave it to me to finally remember manners at a time like this.
Michael was pacing across the room, pushing his bangs out of his eyes over and over again. He stopped and looked at me, though, and I swear that I could see tears prickling in the corners of his eyes. "I think I'm…" He took a deep breath. "…gay."
Of course I knew what he meant with the 'batting for the other team' comment. It's not like he could've meant it literally, as Michael is totally against team sports. And apparently against his 'team' as well.
"Mia?" he said softly, coming to sit in the chair across from mine. "Say something."
"You're gay."
"Yeah," he said. "I think so."
Well, that's just peachy. I know I should be just a little bit happy, because this means that there's nothing seriously wrong with me…but I just feel like going and slitting my wrists. "You think so?" I echoed hopefully. If he wasn't sure, there was always the chance that I could persuade him back to the other side.
"Well, yeah. I've kind of been aware of it for a while…I just wasn't positive."
"Are you now?" Please, please say no.
"I guess so. You want me to list the reasons?"
Strangely enough, I did.
Why I'm Pretty Sure That I'm Attracted to Males
Compiled by Michael James Moscovitz
He looked at me kind of strangely after saying that last item as I inwardly tried to figure out just who he had kissed.
And then it dawned on me. It is a little consoling that Michael finds me cool and pretty.
But WHY, GOD? WHY?!
Michael put a hand over mine and looked deep into my eyes in a way that I would've totally appreciated just yesterday. "I swear to God, Mia, you had me doubting my homosexuality just as I had sold myself on it. But it was just friendly instincts, you know? And I mean it when I say that you're one of my best friends. I wouldn't have told just anybody all of this."
I kind of wish I was 'just anybody.' Blissfully ignorant of this completely gorgeous guy's sexual preference.
I want him so badly. But then again, I also want what's best for him.
Why can't my two deepest desires just merge into one wonderful situation?
Oh, right. Because it's like a law of nature or something for my life to completely suck.
I don't know when I started crying. But all of the sudden, tears were flowing down my cheeks rapidly and the bit of mascara I had put on this morning in hopes of wooing back Michael began to run down my face. "Mia, sweetheart," he whispered. "Please don't cry because of this. I'm not worth it, believe me."
Instead of getting psyched over my crush of the century calling me 'sweetheart', it just depressed me even more. Because the way he said it was so friendly, it was maddening. "I'm sorry," I said, wiping my eyes. "It's really not that big of a deal."
My wavering voice and constant sniffles didn't make for a convincing argument. "Are you sure? Because Felix already completely wigged out on me…and I have a feeling you're about to do the same. I mean, if you don't want to talk to me any more, I won't be surprised or angry. I understand, really."
Michael's a bad liar too. But I just reached out and took his hand (though I subconsciously was probably not conveying the friendly intentions he seemed to have with this gesture) and squeezed it gently. "I'd never do that. We're friends, right?"
"Yeah," he said with a wobbly smile. "That's cool. Can, um, you not tell anyone about this conversation, though?
Uh, duh. Like I would ever confess to obsessing over my best friend's older brother and then being rejected because he happens to like his own kind. Michael must think I'm mentally retarded or something. Grandmere does.
"Your secret's safe," I said, refraining at the last second from employing the lame 'lock my mouth and throw away the key' motion.
We both stood and Michael cracked a grin. "You don't know how much this means to me," he said, reaching towards me for a hug.
I let myself sink into his arms, almost forgetting for a second that he has absolutely zero interest in me.
But knowing now that he kissed me and felt absolutely nothing, it's kind of driven the urge to jump his bones clear out of my mind. He's still the nicest, cutest, sweetest guy I know, and I'd feel absolutely awful if he lost friends over his situation.
Maybe there's still a chance, though. I mean, I could save Michael from the Dark Side (not that there's anything wrong with homosexuality, just when the boy I happen to be head-over-heels for wants a dude in his pants…that's when I'm not too hip with it).
But Michael didn't seem too sure about his conclusion that he was gay. Maybe if I was tactful and persuasive enough, I could still have the man of my dreams.
It's really for his own good too. He's clearly not happy with the way things are now.
How the hell do you go about seducing a boy anyway?