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Part 11
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Lindsey silently moved toward Angel and sat on the opposing couch, setting the object in his hands down on the coffee table in front of the vampire. Angel looked from Lindsey to the object and back to the blonde man. After a few moments, he finally reached over and picked up the item. It was a book of some kind from what he could tell. He was tempted to open it and see what was so important about the book, but instead, Angel's eyes were trained on the man sitting opposite him.
Before he could think too much about it, Angel blurted out the first question on his mind. "How long have you and Buffy been together?"
Lindsey neither flinched nor answered the question immediately. Instead, he stared pensively at Angel for a minute before responding. "We're not."
"Oh, that's ni-...you're not?" Angel snapped to full attention. That wasn't what he was expecting to hear at all.
"No," Lindsey raised an eyebrow, knowing full well what the vampire had assumed.
"But..." Angel's brow furrowed in confusion as he struggled to find something to say.
"We're friends," the blonde man who was apparently not Buffy's lover stated. "Close friends."
"You're...you're friends?" Angel choked out, relief and the slightest hint of hope filling his heart.
"Yes," Lindsey leaned back on the couch and crossed his right leg over his left. "Don't misunderstand me. Buffy is an amazing person, which I'm sure you know, and I wouldn't say no to being more to her, but her heart is still taken by someone else."
Angel gaped at Lindsey, a plethora of emotions playing on his face. Things he hadn't noticed before suddenly came to the forefront of his mind. He'd never seen them kiss, never heard them say I love you, never noticed anything remotely intimate between them. And the scents. Buffy's room smelled overwhelming of her and was only minutely tinged with others. In her room, there was not trace of their scents being intimately intertwined with each other.
A morose chuckle rose in Angel's throat, but he held it back. Man, he'd really jumped the gun on this one hadn't he?
Lindsey, meanwhile, was watching Angel with his own thoughts running through his head. He loved Buffy. He really did, and once upon a time years ago, he'd thought that if he waited long enough she would finally let him in. It never happened, though. Buffy always held a part of herself back; the part of her that had, and would, always love the souled vampire named Angel. So he'd settled for being her friend, and now that the vampire was back it was obvious to Lindsey that that was probably a wise decision. Anyone could tell that Angel still loved Buffy, and he knew that Buffy, even though she never said it, still held deep feelings for Angel.
"I thought...," Angel mumbled more to himself than to the man opposite him.
"I know what you thought," Lindsey's face remained expressionless. "Aren't you going to look at the book?"
Angel looked at the heavy book sitting in his lap and wondered what it was. The cover was plain with no writing on it giving him no clue whatsoever as to what could be on the pages inside. When he looked up to question Lindsey about its contents, Angel saw that the man was no longer seated on the couch. Looking around the room he caught sight of Lindsey's back just as the door to the stairwell closed behind him.
Shaking his head at the odd situation and fighting the urge to get up and jump up and down like a little kid over the revelation that Buffy and Lindsey were not together like he thought they were, Angel turned his focus back to the mysterious book in front of him. He didn't know why, but his hands were shaking as he pulled the front cover open.
Inside, on the first page, all he found was a plain white envelope. Something told him to open it and read whatever was in it so he carefully pulled the flap open and drew out what was a soft pink sheet of paper. Opening it, Angel read the words that he found were addressed to him.
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Some time later, after Angel had finished looking through the entire book, he sat staring at one picture in particular. It was one of Buffy and Ashlynn sitting under the shade of a large tree smiling and laughing as they blew bubbles. They looked so happy and he could almost feel the love between mother and daughter. It was a sight he never thought he would see; Buffy with their child, and it was amazing and heart breaking all at once.
He never thought a bunch of pictures would be so hard to look at. Each and every one was a reminder of some part of Buffy's and his daughter's life that he had been absent for. Looking at the images of Buffy's expanding stomach had made him want to rub his hands all over the bulging skin and place gentle kisses upon it. The one of Buffy holding newborn Ashlynn had made him shed more tears, as had the following pictures of various times in his daughter's life.
With each new picture he looked at, Angel fell more in love with the little girl he'd only met once. He was awestruck by every little detail: the smiles, the laughs, the tears, all of it. She was absolutely amazing. For one of the few times in his long, miserable life, he felt like he had been part of something truly good. He had helped to create something so completely pure and wonderful that he couldn't help but feel unworthy of it. He didn't deserve to be this little girl's father after all that he had done in his life.
Buffy did, though. She deserved everything their daughter brought to her life. He could tell from looking through the pictures and from watching the birthday party a few nights earlier that Buffy loved Ashlynn dearly. After all she'd been through in her life she had finally been given something to look forward to each day. And now something was threatening that happiness she'd found.
Looking back at the smiling picture of his soulmate and his daughter, Angel knew that he had to do something. He couldn't let Buffy die. He couldn't let Ashlynn lose her mother, the only parent she'd ever known. There had to be a cure to the poison that was decimating her body. And Angel was damn sure he was going to find it.
Feeling more confident than he knew he should, Angel set the photo album on the coffee table, hating to walk away from it but needing to do something, and strode toward Buffy's room. It was time to stop sitting around. It was time to do something. It was time to save Buffy's life.
As he passed by a door with a colorful nameplate that said 'Ashlynn' Angel paused momentarily. He could hear her inside watching what he assumed was TV. The temptation to go in and see her was great, but he fought it off, at least for now. Dealing with Buffy's illness was the foremost priority. He needed to focus on that before he could even think about getting to know his daughter. So he pulled his hand away from the doorknob and proceeded down the hall.
From the doorway of Buffy's room he could see Buffy lying motionless in sleep. In the chair next to the bed, Doyle sat reading what Angel assumed was one of the books they'd pulled to research Buffy's affliction. He remained silent for a few minutes content to merely watch the labored breathing of his beloved before turning his eyes once again to Doyle; the half demon who had been sent to protect Buffy years ago.
When Doyle finally looked up from his book, their eyes met and held for a second until Angel gave a slight nod of his head signaling that he wanted to talk to the half-demon. Sparing one more glance at Buffy, Angel turned and walked back into the living room and waited for Doyle to meet him.
"I think you can do something for me," Angel stated the moment Doyle had entered the room.
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the next morning
"Are you sure you're ready to do this?" Cordy spoke quietly, her hand poised on the doorknob in front of her.
"Yeah," Angel replied though he wasn't quite sure he was ready.
"Okay," the brunette sighed, feeling sympathy for the vampire. "Let me go in and close the shades first."
"Ash? You have a visitor" Angel heard Cordy say after she had entered into the little girl's bedroom. Moments later, once the threat of sunlight was gone, he stepped over the threshold and saw his daughter sitting at her desk with her back to him.
"Who's here?" Ashlynn looked up at her Aunt Cordy.
"Why don't you turn around and see," Cordy smiled and pointed toward the door where Angel stood.
Slowly, Ashlynn revolved in her seat and let out a small gasp when she saw the man standing a few feet away. Her eyes followed him as Angel walked into the room and knelt down next to her tiny desk chair. An eternity seemed to pass as the two stared into one another's eyes.
"Hi," Angel finally spoke and then cursed himself for such a lame greeting.
"Daddy!" Ashlynn flew off her chair and into Angel's arms, nearly knocking him over backwards.
Angel was shocked at the reaction but relished the feel of his daughter in his arms for the very first time. He hugged her tight to his body as a few stray tears trickled down his cheeks and onto the little girl's blonde hair. It was almost impossible for him to believe that this child was his daughter. Nothing could have prepared him for the feelings she brought about in him.
"You're here," Ashlynn stated softly as she loosened her grip and pulled back to look at the man she had heard so much about.
"You know who I am?" he asked and then raised a hand to gently touch her cheek.
"Uh huh," she nodded emphatically before she scurried out of his arms and raced over to her nightstand to grab something that Angel could not see.
Upon returning, Ashlynn plopped herself down onto Angel's lap and handed him what she had just retrieved. He took the object from her and instantly knew what it was; a picture of him and Buffy at her senior prom. Shakily, his fingers touched the smooth glass as his mind drifted back to that night when he'd held Buffy in his arms on the floor of Sunnydale High's gym. It was such a long time ago, but he remembered each and every second of it.
"Your Mom gave you this?" his voice was hoarse as he studied her big brown eyes.
"Yeah. She said it was you and her a long time ago," Ashlynn told him, settling comfortably in his lap.
"She's right," Angel gave her a sad smile and wondered what else Buffy had told their daughter about him. "She told you about me?"
"Uh huh," Ash tilted her head and looked at Angel. "Mommy and Aunt Cordy and Aunt Willow tell me stories about you."
"They do?" To say he was surprised that they'd talk about him was an understatement.
"Yeah." Ash's smiled turned to a frown. "But it makes Mommy sad and sometimes she cries."
Angel's shoulders slumped as he thought about Buffy talking to Ashlynn about him. Did he ever cause her anything but pain? That's all he seemed to do. Despite the sadness it caused her, Buffy had told Ashlynn about him. It warmed his dead heart to know that he hadn't been forgotten, that even though he hadn't been there he was still her Father.
"What did she tell you about me?" he inquired after his curiosity got the better of him.
Ashlynn took a second to consider the question before answering. "She said that you had to go away to fight the bad men and that's why you couldn't be here. She said that you loved me very much," she paused and peeked at Angel with tear filled eyes. "Do you love me, Daddy?"
His heart almost broke over the timid question. Without hesitation, he once again pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. "Of course I love you, Sweetie. Never doubt that I love you."
They simply held each other for the next few minutes, building a rapport that had never before had a chance to grow. For Angel, the little blonde headed ball of energy clutching at him was a miracle. When he was a human eons ago being a Father had never once popped into his drunken, lust-driven mind. His years as Angelus had been focused on torturing, killing, and other things that he didn't want to think about let alone mention. When his soul had been returned the only thing he could think about was all the atrocious things he'd done. Then came Buffy.
From the moment he first saw her sitting on the steps of Hemery High, sucking on a lollipop, he had loved her. She was the epitome of everything good and pure about the world. And never in a million years would he have thought she'd return his feelings. She had, though, and it was then that the idea of creating a child with her had first entered his mind. It was a pipe dream. He was a vampire; a demon living in a body that should have been long dead. He was supposed to take life, not create it.
He'd resigned himself to never giving Buffy a child, and in the end had left her so that she could have all that he couldn't give her. But by some miracle his dead body had done the impossible, creating the bubbly little girl now snuggled against his chest. What he'd done to deserve such a blessed gift was beyond him. He didn't know how it had happened, but he wasn't about to question something so wonderful.
"Wanna see the picture I drew?" Ashlynn's voice broke through his internal musings.
"Sure," he grinned at her and helped his daughter stand so that she could give him a glimpse of who she was.
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Later that day, after spending hours getting to know his daughter, Angel finally slipped from her bedroom and closed the door quietly behind him. He took a few steps before stopping to lean against the wall, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. As he stood there, head leaned back, his mind recalled part of the time he'd spent with Ashlynn.
"Can I see Mommy soon?" her voice trembled as she asked the question.
"She's still not feeling well, Sweetie," he told her, tucking a wayward strand of blonde hair behind her ear in a gesture so familiar to him.
"Oh. Will she be better soon?" Ashlynn tried not to cry, but she wanted to see her Mommy.
"Soon. I promise," he swore and tried to smile, knowing in his heart that he was not going to let Buffy die.
"Okay," she nodded, seeming to believe him. "Daddy? Are you going to stay?"
"I-I...," Angel stuttered, the question taking him completely off guard. "I don't know."
"Oh," her lower lip trembled and a few tears slid down her cheeks. "Please stay, Daddy."
"I can't make any promises, Ashlynn," he took one of her tiny hands in his. "But I can tell you that no matter what happens that I will always love you. Even if I'm not here you'll still be my little girl."
"I love you too, Daddy," Ashlynn threw herself into her Father's arms and cried.
Angel ran a hand through his hair as he thought about the amazing little girl. He hated lying to her, but he couldn't tell her the truth. He couldn't tell her he wouldn't be staying, that he wouldn't be there to see her grow up. As much as he wanted to be there, he couldn't, and it wasn't fair to her to make promises he knew he wouldn't be able to keep. Pulling his tired body away from the wall, he continued on to his next destination: Buffy's room.
He found Lorne sitting in the chair by Buffy's bed, humming lightly to her. "Any change?"
Lorne startled at the question having not noticed Angel's presence. "Geez! You are a stealthy one aren't you? To answer your question, no, she's not woken up again."
Angel gave a quick nod having expected to hear that. Buffy hadn't regained consciousness since the previous night. "Do you mind if I spend a few minutes with her?"
"Not at all," Lorne rose from the chair. "I'll go read some more dreadfully boring books with the others."
"Thanks," Angel mumbled and solemnly took his place in the chair Lorne had just abandoned.
From the doorway, Lorne studied Angel and frowned. The vampire was giving off weird vibes. He needed to find Doyle. Maybe the half demon would know what's going.
"Hey, baby," Angel murmured to Buffy once Lorne had left the room.
"I met Ashlynn," he started to tell her about his first real encounter with their daughter. "She's beautiful. You did an amazing job with her."
Angel sighed, wishing Buffy was awake so he could talk to her. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, and for her. I know it must have been hard. But you made it through. You have everything I always wanted you to have."
"I promise you, Buffy, I won't let anything happen to you," he reached up to cup her cheek. "Ashlynn needs you. Your friends need you. I won't let you die."
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"There has to be something we can do!" Angel could hear Cordy's voice before even entering the living room an hour later. "We can't just let her die!"
"I wish there was something, Cordelia, but the poison has no known cure," Giles repeated what he had already told them many times.
"We're just supposed to let her...," Willow couldn't finish the sentence as she began sobbing on Oz's shoulder.
So caught up in their arguing and misery, the group never noticed Angel enter the room and creep along the outer edges until he reached the door to the stairs. He paused for only a moment, questioning himself and the decision he'd made while on his errand the previous night. He glanced to the group of friends only feet away, then to Buffy's room, and finally toward Ashlynn's room, before carefully pulling open the door and sneaking out into the night.
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TBC!!
Part 11
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Lindsey silently moved toward Angel and sat on the opposing couch, setting the object in his hands down on the coffee table in front of the vampire. Angel looked from Lindsey to the object and back to the blonde man. After a few moments, he finally reached over and picked up the item. It was a book of some kind from what he could tell. He was tempted to open it and see what was so important about the book, but instead, Angel's eyes were trained on the man sitting opposite him.
Before he could think too much about it, Angel blurted out the first question on his mind. "How long have you and Buffy been together?"
Lindsey neither flinched nor answered the question immediately. Instead, he stared pensively at Angel for a minute before responding. "We're not."
"Oh, that's ni-...you're not?" Angel snapped to full attention. That wasn't what he was expecting to hear at all.
"No," Lindsey raised an eyebrow, knowing full well what the vampire had assumed.
"But..." Angel's brow furrowed in confusion as he struggled to find something to say.
"We're friends," the blonde man who was apparently not Buffy's lover stated. "Close friends."
"You're...you're friends?" Angel choked out, relief and the slightest hint of hope filling his heart.
"Yes," Lindsey leaned back on the couch and crossed his right leg over his left. "Don't misunderstand me. Buffy is an amazing person, which I'm sure you know, and I wouldn't say no to being more to her, but her heart is still taken by someone else."
Angel gaped at Lindsey, a plethora of emotions playing on his face. Things he hadn't noticed before suddenly came to the forefront of his mind. He'd never seen them kiss, never heard them say I love you, never noticed anything remotely intimate between them. And the scents. Buffy's room smelled overwhelming of her and was only minutely tinged with others. In her room, there was not trace of their scents being intimately intertwined with each other.
A morose chuckle rose in Angel's throat, but he held it back. Man, he'd really jumped the gun on this one hadn't he?
Lindsey, meanwhile, was watching Angel with his own thoughts running through his head. He loved Buffy. He really did, and once upon a time years ago, he'd thought that if he waited long enough she would finally let him in. It never happened, though. Buffy always held a part of herself back; the part of her that had, and would, always love the souled vampire named Angel. So he'd settled for being her friend, and now that the vampire was back it was obvious to Lindsey that that was probably a wise decision. Anyone could tell that Angel still loved Buffy, and he knew that Buffy, even though she never said it, still held deep feelings for Angel.
"I thought...," Angel mumbled more to himself than to the man opposite him.
"I know what you thought," Lindsey's face remained expressionless. "Aren't you going to look at the book?"
Angel looked at the heavy book sitting in his lap and wondered what it was. The cover was plain with no writing on it giving him no clue whatsoever as to what could be on the pages inside. When he looked up to question Lindsey about its contents, Angel saw that the man was no longer seated on the couch. Looking around the room he caught sight of Lindsey's back just as the door to the stairwell closed behind him.
Shaking his head at the odd situation and fighting the urge to get up and jump up and down like a little kid over the revelation that Buffy and Lindsey were not together like he thought they were, Angel turned his focus back to the mysterious book in front of him. He didn't know why, but his hands were shaking as he pulled the front cover open.
Inside, on the first page, all he found was a plain white envelope. Something told him to open it and read whatever was in it so he carefully pulled the flap open and drew out what was a soft pink sheet of paper. Opening it, Angel read the words that he found were addressed to him.
By the time he finished reading the letter, Angel's face was drenched with tears. He almost couldn't believe that Buffy had done something so incredibly thoughtful after the way things had ended between them. She had, though, and now he had in his hands a pictorial of his daughter's life. He was almost afraid to look, afraid to see what exactly it was that he had not been there for, but his need for even the smallest taste of his beautiful little girl was too overwhelming. So with shaking hands he turned the page, bracing himself for the emotions he knew were forthcoming.My Sweet Angel,
If you're looking at this book, it means you must now know the truth; that Ashlynn is your daughter. We made a child together, Angel. You and me. Something that is a part of both of us.
I know you wish you could have been there to see it all, and I wish that you could have been there too. But we don't always get what we want do we? Well, at least we never seem to.
I knew, somewhere deep down inside, that I'd see you again someday, that you would finally get the chance to meet your daughter. I don't know when it will be, or if ever. Maybe it's just wishful thinking that you're not gone forever. If you ever do return, I know that there's nothing I can do to give you the memories of your daughter that you will have lost. So I made this for you.
Cordelia is the only one who knows what this book really is. She helped me put it together and add to it over the years. Everyone else thinks it just a photo album, but it's not. It's a chronicle from early in my pregnancy until now. There are pictures from the various stages of the pregnancy, a few sonograms, ones from the birth, and then others from different times in Ashlynn's life. I know they can't replace real memories, but maybe they will help, if only a little.
Love Always,
Buffy
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Some time later, after Angel had finished looking through the entire book, he sat staring at one picture in particular. It was one of Buffy and Ashlynn sitting under the shade of a large tree smiling and laughing as they blew bubbles. They looked so happy and he could almost feel the love between mother and daughter. It was a sight he never thought he would see; Buffy with their child, and it was amazing and heart breaking all at once.
He never thought a bunch of pictures would be so hard to look at. Each and every one was a reminder of some part of Buffy's and his daughter's life that he had been absent for. Looking at the images of Buffy's expanding stomach had made him want to rub his hands all over the bulging skin and place gentle kisses upon it. The one of Buffy holding newborn Ashlynn had made him shed more tears, as had the following pictures of various times in his daughter's life.
With each new picture he looked at, Angel fell more in love with the little girl he'd only met once. He was awestruck by every little detail: the smiles, the laughs, the tears, all of it. She was absolutely amazing. For one of the few times in his long, miserable life, he felt like he had been part of something truly good. He had helped to create something so completely pure and wonderful that he couldn't help but feel unworthy of it. He didn't deserve to be this little girl's father after all that he had done in his life.
Buffy did, though. She deserved everything their daughter brought to her life. He could tell from looking through the pictures and from watching the birthday party a few nights earlier that Buffy loved Ashlynn dearly. After all she'd been through in her life she had finally been given something to look forward to each day. And now something was threatening that happiness she'd found.
Looking back at the smiling picture of his soulmate and his daughter, Angel knew that he had to do something. He couldn't let Buffy die. He couldn't let Ashlynn lose her mother, the only parent she'd ever known. There had to be a cure to the poison that was decimating her body. And Angel was damn sure he was going to find it.
Feeling more confident than he knew he should, Angel set the photo album on the coffee table, hating to walk away from it but needing to do something, and strode toward Buffy's room. It was time to stop sitting around. It was time to do something. It was time to save Buffy's life.
As he passed by a door with a colorful nameplate that said 'Ashlynn' Angel paused momentarily. He could hear her inside watching what he assumed was TV. The temptation to go in and see her was great, but he fought it off, at least for now. Dealing with Buffy's illness was the foremost priority. He needed to focus on that before he could even think about getting to know his daughter. So he pulled his hand away from the doorknob and proceeded down the hall.
From the doorway of Buffy's room he could see Buffy lying motionless in sleep. In the chair next to the bed, Doyle sat reading what Angel assumed was one of the books they'd pulled to research Buffy's affliction. He remained silent for a few minutes content to merely watch the labored breathing of his beloved before turning his eyes once again to Doyle; the half demon who had been sent to protect Buffy years ago.
When Doyle finally looked up from his book, their eyes met and held for a second until Angel gave a slight nod of his head signaling that he wanted to talk to the half-demon. Sparing one more glance at Buffy, Angel turned and walked back into the living room and waited for Doyle to meet him.
"I think you can do something for me," Angel stated the moment Doyle had entered the room.
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the next morning
"Are you sure you're ready to do this?" Cordy spoke quietly, her hand poised on the doorknob in front of her.
"Yeah," Angel replied though he wasn't quite sure he was ready.
"Okay," the brunette sighed, feeling sympathy for the vampire. "Let me go in and close the shades first."
"Ash? You have a visitor" Angel heard Cordy say after she had entered into the little girl's bedroom. Moments later, once the threat of sunlight was gone, he stepped over the threshold and saw his daughter sitting at her desk with her back to him.
"Who's here?" Ashlynn looked up at her Aunt Cordy.
"Why don't you turn around and see," Cordy smiled and pointed toward the door where Angel stood.
Slowly, Ashlynn revolved in her seat and let out a small gasp when she saw the man standing a few feet away. Her eyes followed him as Angel walked into the room and knelt down next to her tiny desk chair. An eternity seemed to pass as the two stared into one another's eyes.
"Hi," Angel finally spoke and then cursed himself for such a lame greeting.
"Daddy!" Ashlynn flew off her chair and into Angel's arms, nearly knocking him over backwards.
Angel was shocked at the reaction but relished the feel of his daughter in his arms for the very first time. He hugged her tight to his body as a few stray tears trickled down his cheeks and onto the little girl's blonde hair. It was almost impossible for him to believe that this child was his daughter. Nothing could have prepared him for the feelings she brought about in him.
"You're here," Ashlynn stated softly as she loosened her grip and pulled back to look at the man she had heard so much about.
"You know who I am?" he asked and then raised a hand to gently touch her cheek.
"Uh huh," she nodded emphatically before she scurried out of his arms and raced over to her nightstand to grab something that Angel could not see.
Upon returning, Ashlynn plopped herself down onto Angel's lap and handed him what she had just retrieved. He took the object from her and instantly knew what it was; a picture of him and Buffy at her senior prom. Shakily, his fingers touched the smooth glass as his mind drifted back to that night when he'd held Buffy in his arms on the floor of Sunnydale High's gym. It was such a long time ago, but he remembered each and every second of it.
"Your Mom gave you this?" his voice was hoarse as he studied her big brown eyes.
"Yeah. She said it was you and her a long time ago," Ashlynn told him, settling comfortably in his lap.
"She's right," Angel gave her a sad smile and wondered what else Buffy had told their daughter about him. "She told you about me?"
"Uh huh," Ash tilted her head and looked at Angel. "Mommy and Aunt Cordy and Aunt Willow tell me stories about you."
"They do?" To say he was surprised that they'd talk about him was an understatement.
"Yeah." Ash's smiled turned to a frown. "But it makes Mommy sad and sometimes she cries."
Angel's shoulders slumped as he thought about Buffy talking to Ashlynn about him. Did he ever cause her anything but pain? That's all he seemed to do. Despite the sadness it caused her, Buffy had told Ashlynn about him. It warmed his dead heart to know that he hadn't been forgotten, that even though he hadn't been there he was still her Father.
"What did she tell you about me?" he inquired after his curiosity got the better of him.
Ashlynn took a second to consider the question before answering. "She said that you had to go away to fight the bad men and that's why you couldn't be here. She said that you loved me very much," she paused and peeked at Angel with tear filled eyes. "Do you love me, Daddy?"
His heart almost broke over the timid question. Without hesitation, he once again pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. "Of course I love you, Sweetie. Never doubt that I love you."
They simply held each other for the next few minutes, building a rapport that had never before had a chance to grow. For Angel, the little blonde headed ball of energy clutching at him was a miracle. When he was a human eons ago being a Father had never once popped into his drunken, lust-driven mind. His years as Angelus had been focused on torturing, killing, and other things that he didn't want to think about let alone mention. When his soul had been returned the only thing he could think about was all the atrocious things he'd done. Then came Buffy.
From the moment he first saw her sitting on the steps of Hemery High, sucking on a lollipop, he had loved her. She was the epitome of everything good and pure about the world. And never in a million years would he have thought she'd return his feelings. She had, though, and it was then that the idea of creating a child with her had first entered his mind. It was a pipe dream. He was a vampire; a demon living in a body that should have been long dead. He was supposed to take life, not create it.
He'd resigned himself to never giving Buffy a child, and in the end had left her so that she could have all that he couldn't give her. But by some miracle his dead body had done the impossible, creating the bubbly little girl now snuggled against his chest. What he'd done to deserve such a blessed gift was beyond him. He didn't know how it had happened, but he wasn't about to question something so wonderful.
"Wanna see the picture I drew?" Ashlynn's voice broke through his internal musings.
"Sure," he grinned at her and helped his daughter stand so that she could give him a glimpse of who she was.
---------
Later that day, after spending hours getting to know his daughter, Angel finally slipped from her bedroom and closed the door quietly behind him. He took a few steps before stopping to lean against the wall, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. As he stood there, head leaned back, his mind recalled part of the time he'd spent with Ashlynn.
"Can I see Mommy soon?" her voice trembled as she asked the question.
"She's still not feeling well, Sweetie," he told her, tucking a wayward strand of blonde hair behind her ear in a gesture so familiar to him.
"Oh. Will she be better soon?" Ashlynn tried not to cry, but she wanted to see her Mommy.
"Soon. I promise," he swore and tried to smile, knowing in his heart that he was not going to let Buffy die.
"Okay," she nodded, seeming to believe him. "Daddy? Are you going to stay?"
"I-I...," Angel stuttered, the question taking him completely off guard. "I don't know."
"Oh," her lower lip trembled and a few tears slid down her cheeks. "Please stay, Daddy."
"I can't make any promises, Ashlynn," he took one of her tiny hands in his. "But I can tell you that no matter what happens that I will always love you. Even if I'm not here you'll still be my little girl."
"I love you too, Daddy," Ashlynn threw herself into her Father's arms and cried.
Angel ran a hand through his hair as he thought about the amazing little girl. He hated lying to her, but he couldn't tell her the truth. He couldn't tell her he wouldn't be staying, that he wouldn't be there to see her grow up. As much as he wanted to be there, he couldn't, and it wasn't fair to her to make promises he knew he wouldn't be able to keep. Pulling his tired body away from the wall, he continued on to his next destination: Buffy's room.
He found Lorne sitting in the chair by Buffy's bed, humming lightly to her. "Any change?"
Lorne startled at the question having not noticed Angel's presence. "Geez! You are a stealthy one aren't you? To answer your question, no, she's not woken up again."
Angel gave a quick nod having expected to hear that. Buffy hadn't regained consciousness since the previous night. "Do you mind if I spend a few minutes with her?"
"Not at all," Lorne rose from the chair. "I'll go read some more dreadfully boring books with the others."
"Thanks," Angel mumbled and solemnly took his place in the chair Lorne had just abandoned.
From the doorway, Lorne studied Angel and frowned. The vampire was giving off weird vibes. He needed to find Doyle. Maybe the half demon would know what's going.
"Hey, baby," Angel murmured to Buffy once Lorne had left the room.
"I met Ashlynn," he started to tell her about his first real encounter with their daughter. "She's beautiful. You did an amazing job with her."
Angel sighed, wishing Buffy was awake so he could talk to her. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, and for her. I know it must have been hard. But you made it through. You have everything I always wanted you to have."
"I promise you, Buffy, I won't let anything happen to you," he reached up to cup her cheek. "Ashlynn needs you. Your friends need you. I won't let you die."
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"There has to be something we can do!" Angel could hear Cordy's voice before even entering the living room an hour later. "We can't just let her die!"
"I wish there was something, Cordelia, but the poison has no known cure," Giles repeated what he had already told them many times.
"We're just supposed to let her...," Willow couldn't finish the sentence as she began sobbing on Oz's shoulder.
So caught up in their arguing and misery, the group never noticed Angel enter the room and creep along the outer edges until he reached the door to the stairs. He paused for only a moment, questioning himself and the decision he'd made while on his errand the previous night. He glanced to the group of friends only feet away, then to Buffy's room, and finally toward Ashlynn's room, before carefully pulling open the door and sneaking out into the night.
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TBC!!