Title: A Choice For The Future - #5 in the 'Shadows in Time' series
Author: Isis Blue
Started: February 13, 2004
Completed: May 27, 2004
Feedback: vagabondangelcomcast.net
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em...though that should be quite obvious.
Rating: PG 13
Pairing: B/A, C/D, W/O, X/A
Series Summary: post-s3 (BTVS) AU…departs from canon after the s3 finale and jumps into my own universe. From there, almost everything will be different. A few characters and concepts will pop-up, but really, this doesn't relate at all to the seasons that followed s3.
Fic Summary: Final installment in the Shadows in Time series.
Spoilers: The first 4 fics in the series, and anything through the end of s3 of BTVS, but mostly the end of s3, and also mild generic spoilers for BtVS & AtS later seasons
Distribution: my site (Vagabond Soul), and if you already have any of my fics, you may take this one, if not, please ask first.
Author's Notes: This is the 5th, and final, fic in the SiT series, the first 4 can be found here:
Thank you: To Stars for beta'ing even though she's really busy, and to Roz for being a test reader!
Warnings: mild angst
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Part 1
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Five days. Five incredibly long days had passed since Buffy and her friends and family found out how it was that she was cured of the mystical poison that was rapidly killing her. At times it felt as if they had just read Angel's letter explaining his selfless actions to save Buffy's life yesterday, but at other moments, it seemed as though months had passed. Really, it had only been five days.
They were all still utterly shell-shocked to learn of the extent to which Angel had gone to ensure that Buffy's life would continue. He had made the greatest sacrifice for her. He had given up his own life so that she would live. It was awe-inspiring and tragic all in the same breath. They could only imagine the love the ensouled vampire felt for Buffy to do what he did. There were likely very few people in the entire world that would save another even though the cost was their own life.
No one knew quite what to feel about the events that had occurred five days ago. On one hand, they wanted to rejoice in the fact that their friend was going to be okay. She was someone who made everyone around her a better person. None of them wanted to lose her. Then, there were also the parts of them that were weeping over the loss of Angel. Even those who hadn't really known him, including Lindsey who could never win Buffy's heart because of Angel, were terribly saddened by his death.
At the moment, each and every one of them was incredibly worried about Buffy's well-being in the aftermath of reading Angel's explanatory letter. The blonde haired Slayer had basically fallen apart after realizing what he had done, and as of yet, had not even begun to recover. Truthfully, none of them were sure that she would be able recover from this latest horrible blow.
All of them were aware of the vampire's importance to Buffy. Those who initially knew of his reappearance, namely everyone but Lindsey and Oz, knew that Buffy hadn't been dealing with it well, but that eventually she would have softened once the anger faded. Now she would never have the chance. She would never be able to make peace with him, with their past, and with the fact that they made a child together. They knew it would forever haunt her that she never got to reconcile their problems.
Even worse, though, was the fact that her soulmate was dead. Before, Angel had only left and gone somewhere else. It allowed there to be hope that someday things might change and they'd be able to be together. But now, all that hope was effectively crushed. Angel was dead. There would be no more chances for them to be together. Buffy would never get to be with the one person in the world whose soul matched hers. And that was what had them worried the most.
It was never actually talked about, but they all knew that somewhere deep inside, Buffy held out hope that Angel would return to her someday. She'd forgone a relationship with Lindsey, a man who adored her and her daughter, because of the love she still felt for the vampire with a soul. How was she ever going to get over the fact that he was now truly gone? The answer was that she probably wouldn't. She'd manage to pull herself together if not for herself then for her daughter, but she would never be the same. This loss was too great.
Buffy had hardly said anything since she read the letter five days ago. She had sobbed in the arms of her friends and family for hours upon learning of Angel's sacrifice, but since then, nothing. Most of the time, she lay in her bed curled in a fetal position, staring glassy-eyed at the wall. She refused to talk to anyone, wouldn't even acknowledge them if they walked into the room. The only time she got out of bed was to tend to her daughter or to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, they were a little worried about her mental health.
Currently, almost everyone, Cordelia, Doyle, Oz, Lindsey, Giles, and Faith, were sitting in the living room of Buffy's apartment discussing the situation. When they heard Willow enter from the hallway leading to Buffy's bedroom, all eyes turned toward her.
"No luck?" Cordy nodded to the tray, still full of food, carried in the redhead's hands.
"No," Willow sighed worriedly and set the tray down on the coffee table.
"Has she eaten anything since...," Doyle trailed off and leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees.
"I think she ate a sandwich yesterday when she was with Ash, but that's it," Cordy answered while putting a comforting arm around her fiancé.
"We have to get her to eat. She can't go on like this." Lindsey moved from where he was leaning against the wall and sat down on one of the leather chairs.
He was seriously concerned for Buffy. Having known her for about six years he knew how much Angel meant to her. Years ago, he'd harbored illusions that he could have a romantic relationship with her, but over the course of time it became obvious that she was still no where near over the vampire. Even so, he still cared deeply for her and because of that he worried a great deal about her. And with the current circumstances, his worry was multiplied times ten.
"Did she even say anything when you went in there?" Cordy again spoke to Willow.
"Not a word. I don't even think she knew I was there," Willow shook her head in the negative. Buffy's behavior was really beginning to scare her, and she had no idea what to do to help her. She wasn't even sure there was anything she or anyone else could do.
Giles took his glasses off and rubbed at his temples. He was at a total loss over what to do for Buffy, and it didn't help that he'd been out of her life so long and that things were tempestuous, at best, between them. Losing Angel had to be horrible for her. He was well aware of that. When she had been forced to send him to Hell years before she'd disappeared for months afterwards. This time, well, he wasn't sure she'd be able to handle it. He wanted to do something to help her, but considering their current relationship he didn't think she'd be open to his help.
Seven years had passed since the dreadful encounter back in Sunnydale that precipitated their estrangement and her move to Seattle, and in that time, Giles had spent many long days and nights regretting his actions. His anger had been valid, but he now knew he should have not let it take over. He should have supported her. He should have done so many things, but he couldn't change what had happened now. All he could do was be there for her and hope he got the chance to make things right.
"Hate to bring this up," Oz interjected and spoke up for the first time. "But should we be worried the Council will come after her again?"
"You think they'll try again?" Cordy turned to look at the usually quiet man.
"Just something to consider," Oz shrugged.
"Giles?" Willow looked to the ex-Watcher for an answer to their worries.
"It's possible, I suppose." He put his glasses back on and considered the question. "I don't think we have to worry about that immediately. They are probably unaware of her recovery from the poison, and if they have found out it will likely take them a while to regroup and try again."
"You said they most likely put it in her food before, right?" Cordy asked for clarification.
"It would have been the simplest method, yes," Giles nodded his agreement.
"With her not eating then we don't really have to worry about that," Willow sighed dejectedly.
"Yeah, she'll just starve to death," groaned Cordy, leaning back against the couch.
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Ashlynn quietly crept out of her room and down the hall. She didn't want anyone to hear her moving around. All she wanted was to see her Mommy. Something was wrong. She didn't know what, but it was obvious to her, even in her young age, that something wasn't right. Her Mother wasn't acting as she usually did. There were no happy smiles, no tickling laughter, no loving kisses, no nothing. The little she'd seen of Buffy the last few days had only exposed her to a blank face and empty eyes. Even to a six year old that was impossible to miss.
No one would tell her what was wrong with her Mommy. They said she was feeling sick again and that she shouldn't bother her. But Ashlynn didn't believe them. They also wouldn't tell her where her Daddy was. She'd only spent one afternoon with him but she already madly loved the man she'd only ever before heard about. She wanted to see him again, but he'd disappeared and every time she asked about him they never answered.
Arriving at her Mother's room, Ashlynn peaked inside the partially closed door. The room was dark except for a small light on the nightstand that was on. She could see her Mom lying on the bed sound asleep, or at least Ashlynn thought she was sleeping. Noting that no one else was in the room, she crept softly inside, not wanting to wake her Mommy.
She stared at Buffy for a minute, trying to decide what to do now that she'd managed to get near her before climbing gently onto the bed. Kneeling near her Mother's head, she frowned at the sight of Buffy's face. It looked like she'd been crying. Ashlynn reached out her tiny fingers and lightly touched Buffy's cheek. The skin was damp, confirming Ash's suspicion that her Mom had been upset about something. She wanted to know what was wrong, and why she'd been crying, but she didn't want to wake her up. Instead, she lay down on the bed and curled herself up next to Buffy, falling asleep in only a few minutes.
The moment Buffy felt her daughter's breathing even out; she opened her eyes and looked down at the blonde haired child. She'd been awake the entire time, but didn't have the nerve to face her baby girl yet. How was she supposed to tell Ashlynn that her Father, the man she'd just met and already adored, was gone? How could she tell her that when she, herself, couldn't yet accept it?
Words couldn't even begin to describe how horrible she felt over the way she treated Angel. When she first saw him that night days ago, she'd been completely shocked to say the least. Seven long years had passed since he walked out of her life. The first few months, years even, she kept expecting him to come back to her. After a while, that hope died. It was still there, buried deep inside, but each day that passed the possibility of his return seemed less and less.
Then he was there, standing before her in all his handsome glory. She wished now that she hadn't run from him. She wished that she'd talked to him, or hugged him, or done anything but run. The next time she saw him she acted even worse, and she regretted every second of it. She'd yelled at him and let him think she moved on. She practically threw herself at Lindsey and rubbed it in his face. But worst of all, she tried to keep his daughter from him.
Sure, when push came to shove, she told him about Ashlynn. Buffy wondered, though, if she still would have done it if she hadn't believed she was really going to die. Would she have told him? Yes, probably someday, but he didn't deserve someday. She should have told him right after his return. Instead, she held back, and he had to hear the news when she was half delirious. And then he had to hear the whole story from Willow and Cordelia. Gods, she was a horrible person.
Now, he was gone, and she'd never be able to make it up to him. She'd never be able to talk to him, hug him, or see him with their daughter. He would never be able to do anything again, and all because of her. Angel sacrificed himself for her despite how badly she treated him. She was the one who was supposed to be dead, not Angel. The poison was given to her, was supposed to kill her. Angel wasn't supposed to die! It wasn't fair. It was supposed to be her not him.
The sobs that Buffy had been holding in for days once again rose, but she couldn't cry. Her daughter was pressed up against her and would certainly wake if she let loose the torrent of tears she could feel threatening to fall. So, as quietly as possible, she slipped out of the bed, making sure to tuck the covers around Ashlynn's sleeping body. Stumbling because of her weakness from not eating and residual effects from the poison, Buffy left the room.
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Down in the office of the club, Lorne and Doyle finally managed to get a few minutes away from everyone else. The green-skinned demon had been trying to find the opportunity to talk to his friend for days, but there always seemed to be others within listening distance. Thankfully, some club business came up that allowed them to get away from the others for at least a few minutes.
"Did you know what he was going to do?" Lorne half snapped at Doyle the moment they were within the confines of the office.
"No," Doyle shook his head emphatically. "He came ta me, asked about my connections, and said he wanted ta speak ta them."
"And you just took him there?" Lorne eyed him in exasperation.
"Hey! The man's a big, strong vampire! Ya wanna try sayin' no ta him?" Doyle held up his hands in defeat.
"Did he really threaten you?" Lorne asked as he sat on the edge of the desk.
"No, but that glare of his will make ya do jus' about anything." He shuddered as he remembered the deadly look Angel had given him when he tried to keep the information about the Oracle from him.
"So you told him about the Oracle. He didn't say why he wanted to see them?" Lorne continued his prodding, trying to piece together the events of the past week.
"He jus' said he wanted ta speak ta them. Nothin' else. I had no idea what he had planned," the half demon sighed dejectedly.
"We have no idea if he went there to offer his life for hers though. He probably wanted to know if they could do anything to help her," Lorne offered his thoughts.
"Probably," agreed Doyle. "But ya know them. I'm not surprised they did this."
"Me either," Lorne frowned with a shake of his head.
"I hate that he did it, but it saved Buffy," pointed out Doyle.
"He may have kept the poison from killing her, but I don't think we can say he saved her life." The vibes Lorne was getting from the Slayer seriously frightened him. She reeked of practically every negative emotion there was.
"Gotta agree with ya on that." Doyle, too, knew they may have one the battle, but they were still waging a war on keeping the Slayer from self-destructing.
"I have a feeling that this story isn't over yet, my friend," Lorne suddenly stated.
Doyle looked at him oddly, surprised by the out-of-the-blue declaration, and curious as well. "Why do ya say that?"
"Just a feeling," he shrugged noncommittally.
"Well, whatever yer feelin', I hope it's somethin' good." Doyle started toward the door. "I better get back before 'Delia comes lookin' fer me."
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"So no one's got any idea on how to get her to eat?" Willow asked the group still gathered in the living room.
"We could always force it down her throat," Cordy chimed in.
"Oh, yeah, that'll work. Pry open a Slayer's mouth and shove food in it," snorted Faith, saying something for the first time that night. She felt awkward around these people. It was like they kept staring at her, expecting her to do something.
"Good point," Cordy frowned and wrinkled her nose.
"She'll eat when she's ready to," Lindsey added his two cents to the conversation.
"But what if she doesn't?" Willow's voice broke slightly as she spoke. She was truly worried about her friend's well-being. If they didn't get through to her soon, she was afraid Buffy would waste away to nothing.
"We have ta snap her out of it soon. Ashlynn needs her Ma." Doyle spoke up from where he'd been standing since he came back from talking to Lorne.
The reminder of the little girl sobered them all more than they already were. It was hard enough dealing with Buffy's sabbatical from reality, but they were skating on thin ice when it came to Ashlynn. They'd been lying to her non-stop the last few days trying to keep her from Buffy. And every time she asked about Angel, they were forced to distract her so she wouldn't find out the truth. Even though the child had only just met Angel, they knew it would break her heart to hear he was gone forever.
"Maybe we should let Ashlynn in to see her," Oz pondered out loud. He clarified when he saw the disbelieving looks from the others. "It might snap her out of it."
"I don't think-" Giles started to say.
"No, he's right," Willow smiled at her husband. "She needs something to remind her that she can't just crawl into a hole. Letting Ash in might just do that."
"Ya know, I think you're on to something," Cordy agreed eagerly.
"Any suggestions on how to go about this?" Willow leaned forward, looking at the group expectantly.
Cordelia thought for a second then snapped her fingers. "Tomorrow morning we could take Ash in to have breakfast with her. She might eat if Ash if there watching her."
"Do you think it's a good idea to take Ashlynn in there when Buffy's so out of it?" Lindsey questioned, worry evident in his voice.
"It's the only idea we have!" Cordy glowered in irritation at Lindsey then softened her look. She knew that everything from the past week had to be hard on him. He'd been pining after Buffy for so long and Angel's reappearance and subsequent death showed him that he never really had a chance with Buffy.
"I hate to bring this up now, but are we still going to have the memorial?" Willow raised an issue they'd been talking about the day before. With Angel gone, it seemed only appropriate to do something to remember him. Those who had known him, even if they hadn't really been friends with him, wanted an opportunity to say goodbye to the man who meant so much to their friend and who had given up his life for her.
"I don't think Buffy's ready for that yet." Doyle shuddered at the idea of telling Buffy they were planning a memorial for her dead lover.
Giles sighed and leaned back against the couch he was seated on. He felt direly out of place amongst these people, and didn't know if they really cared about anything he said. "I must agree with, uh, Doyle. I doubt Buffy could handle it in her stated of mind."
"I guess we should wait a while. Buffy's libel to go completely catatonic if we were to do something now." Willow rested her head on Oz's shoulder, relieved that she had her husband there with her.
"Yeah, and I mean, it's not like we're in a hurry since there's no body. He wasn't even alive, err, you know what I mean," Cordy pointed out the not so small fact that Angel was a vampire.
"Cordy!" Willow chastised the brunette for her coarse words.
"What? It's true," huffed Cordy.
"So we're holding off on the memorial?" Oz stepped in to keep a fight from starting. Cordy and Willow may have put their past differences aside long ago and become friends, but they still tended to get on each others nerves.
"No," a new voice sounded before anyone else could speak. They all turned to find Buffy standing at the entrance to the living room.
"Buffy!" Willow squeaked nervously. "How long have you been standing there?"
"You want us to have the memorial now?" Cordelia stated her interpretation of Buffy's 'no'.
"No," repeated Buffy, her tone serious. "There will be no memorial."
"Buffy," Lindsey stood up and walked over to Buffy. "We think it would help if you were able to say goodbye."
"Goodbye?" Buffy choked back a sob. "You think I can just say a few words, light a candle, and then forget that he...he's d-dead."
"Now, Buffy." Giles, too, stood to face his former Slayer. "We don't expect you to forget, but you cannot let this ruin your life."
"Oh come off it Giles!" she shouted angrily at him. "You've hated Angel ever since Angelus killed Jenny. You're probably glad he's gone!"
Giles visibly flinched at the barb. He tried not to let it get to him, considering Buffy's state of mind, but it still stung. "Buffy, you know that's not true."
"Do I?" she laughed in disbelief. "H-how can any of you t-think I could just say goodbye and m-move on.
Buffy tried to step forward, but she stumbled and nearly fell. Managing to catch her, Lindsey pulled her into his embrace and hugged her as she cried. He wished there was something he could do for her, but he knew there wasn't. It was obvious, though, that she wasn't ready to face any of this yet. So he scooped her up and moved to carry her out of the room, sharing concerned looks with their friends.
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TBC!!
Author: Isis Blue
Started: February 13, 2004
Completed: May 27, 2004
Feedback: vagabondangelcomcast.net
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em...though that should be quite obvious.
Rating: PG 13
Pairing: B/A, C/D, W/O, X/A
Series Summary: post-s3 (BTVS) AU…departs from canon after the s3 finale and jumps into my own universe. From there, almost everything will be different. A few characters and concepts will pop-up, but really, this doesn't relate at all to the seasons that followed s3.
Fic Summary: Final installment in the Shadows in Time series.
Spoilers: The first 4 fics in the series, and anything through the end of s3 of BTVS, but mostly the end of s3, and also mild generic spoilers for BtVS & AtS later seasons
Distribution: my site (Vagabond Soul), and if you already have any of my fics, you may take this one, if not, please ask first.
Author's Notes: This is the 5th, and final, fic in the SiT series, the first 4 can be found here:
Thank you: To Stars for beta'ing even though she's really busy, and to Roz for being a test reader!
Warnings: mild angst
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Part 1
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Five days. Five incredibly long days had passed since Buffy and her friends and family found out how it was that she was cured of the mystical poison that was rapidly killing her. At times it felt as if they had just read Angel's letter explaining his selfless actions to save Buffy's life yesterday, but at other moments, it seemed as though months had passed. Really, it had only been five days.
They were all still utterly shell-shocked to learn of the extent to which Angel had gone to ensure that Buffy's life would continue. He had made the greatest sacrifice for her. He had given up his own life so that she would live. It was awe-inspiring and tragic all in the same breath. They could only imagine the love the ensouled vampire felt for Buffy to do what he did. There were likely very few people in the entire world that would save another even though the cost was their own life.
No one knew quite what to feel about the events that had occurred five days ago. On one hand, they wanted to rejoice in the fact that their friend was going to be okay. She was someone who made everyone around her a better person. None of them wanted to lose her. Then, there were also the parts of them that were weeping over the loss of Angel. Even those who hadn't really known him, including Lindsey who could never win Buffy's heart because of Angel, were terribly saddened by his death.
At the moment, each and every one of them was incredibly worried about Buffy's well-being in the aftermath of reading Angel's explanatory letter. The blonde haired Slayer had basically fallen apart after realizing what he had done, and as of yet, had not even begun to recover. Truthfully, none of them were sure that she would be able recover from this latest horrible blow.
All of them were aware of the vampire's importance to Buffy. Those who initially knew of his reappearance, namely everyone but Lindsey and Oz, knew that Buffy hadn't been dealing with it well, but that eventually she would have softened once the anger faded. Now she would never have the chance. She would never be able to make peace with him, with their past, and with the fact that they made a child together. They knew it would forever haunt her that she never got to reconcile their problems.
Even worse, though, was the fact that her soulmate was dead. Before, Angel had only left and gone somewhere else. It allowed there to be hope that someday things might change and they'd be able to be together. But now, all that hope was effectively crushed. Angel was dead. There would be no more chances for them to be together. Buffy would never get to be with the one person in the world whose soul matched hers. And that was what had them worried the most.
It was never actually talked about, but they all knew that somewhere deep inside, Buffy held out hope that Angel would return to her someday. She'd forgone a relationship with Lindsey, a man who adored her and her daughter, because of the love she still felt for the vampire with a soul. How was she ever going to get over the fact that he was now truly gone? The answer was that she probably wouldn't. She'd manage to pull herself together if not for herself then for her daughter, but she would never be the same. This loss was too great.
Buffy had hardly said anything since she read the letter five days ago. She had sobbed in the arms of her friends and family for hours upon learning of Angel's sacrifice, but since then, nothing. Most of the time, she lay in her bed curled in a fetal position, staring glassy-eyed at the wall. She refused to talk to anyone, wouldn't even acknowledge them if they walked into the room. The only time she got out of bed was to tend to her daughter or to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, they were a little worried about her mental health.
Currently, almost everyone, Cordelia, Doyle, Oz, Lindsey, Giles, and Faith, were sitting in the living room of Buffy's apartment discussing the situation. When they heard Willow enter from the hallway leading to Buffy's bedroom, all eyes turned toward her.
"No luck?" Cordy nodded to the tray, still full of food, carried in the redhead's hands.
"No," Willow sighed worriedly and set the tray down on the coffee table.
"Has she eaten anything since...," Doyle trailed off and leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees.
"I think she ate a sandwich yesterday when she was with Ash, but that's it," Cordy answered while putting a comforting arm around her fiancé.
"We have to get her to eat. She can't go on like this." Lindsey moved from where he was leaning against the wall and sat down on one of the leather chairs.
He was seriously concerned for Buffy. Having known her for about six years he knew how much Angel meant to her. Years ago, he'd harbored illusions that he could have a romantic relationship with her, but over the course of time it became obvious that she was still no where near over the vampire. Even so, he still cared deeply for her and because of that he worried a great deal about her. And with the current circumstances, his worry was multiplied times ten.
"Did she even say anything when you went in there?" Cordy again spoke to Willow.
"Not a word. I don't even think she knew I was there," Willow shook her head in the negative. Buffy's behavior was really beginning to scare her, and she had no idea what to do to help her. She wasn't even sure there was anything she or anyone else could do.
Giles took his glasses off and rubbed at his temples. He was at a total loss over what to do for Buffy, and it didn't help that he'd been out of her life so long and that things were tempestuous, at best, between them. Losing Angel had to be horrible for her. He was well aware of that. When she had been forced to send him to Hell years before she'd disappeared for months afterwards. This time, well, he wasn't sure she'd be able to handle it. He wanted to do something to help her, but considering their current relationship he didn't think she'd be open to his help.
Seven years had passed since the dreadful encounter back in Sunnydale that precipitated their estrangement and her move to Seattle, and in that time, Giles had spent many long days and nights regretting his actions. His anger had been valid, but he now knew he should have not let it take over. He should have supported her. He should have done so many things, but he couldn't change what had happened now. All he could do was be there for her and hope he got the chance to make things right.
"Hate to bring this up," Oz interjected and spoke up for the first time. "But should we be worried the Council will come after her again?"
"You think they'll try again?" Cordy turned to look at the usually quiet man.
"Just something to consider," Oz shrugged.
"Giles?" Willow looked to the ex-Watcher for an answer to their worries.
"It's possible, I suppose." He put his glasses back on and considered the question. "I don't think we have to worry about that immediately. They are probably unaware of her recovery from the poison, and if they have found out it will likely take them a while to regroup and try again."
"You said they most likely put it in her food before, right?" Cordy asked for clarification.
"It would have been the simplest method, yes," Giles nodded his agreement.
"With her not eating then we don't really have to worry about that," Willow sighed dejectedly.
"Yeah, she'll just starve to death," groaned Cordy, leaning back against the couch.
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Ashlynn quietly crept out of her room and down the hall. She didn't want anyone to hear her moving around. All she wanted was to see her Mommy. Something was wrong. She didn't know what, but it was obvious to her, even in her young age, that something wasn't right. Her Mother wasn't acting as she usually did. There were no happy smiles, no tickling laughter, no loving kisses, no nothing. The little she'd seen of Buffy the last few days had only exposed her to a blank face and empty eyes. Even to a six year old that was impossible to miss.
No one would tell her what was wrong with her Mommy. They said she was feeling sick again and that she shouldn't bother her. But Ashlynn didn't believe them. They also wouldn't tell her where her Daddy was. She'd only spent one afternoon with him but she already madly loved the man she'd only ever before heard about. She wanted to see him again, but he'd disappeared and every time she asked about him they never answered.
Arriving at her Mother's room, Ashlynn peaked inside the partially closed door. The room was dark except for a small light on the nightstand that was on. She could see her Mom lying on the bed sound asleep, or at least Ashlynn thought she was sleeping. Noting that no one else was in the room, she crept softly inside, not wanting to wake her Mommy.
She stared at Buffy for a minute, trying to decide what to do now that she'd managed to get near her before climbing gently onto the bed. Kneeling near her Mother's head, she frowned at the sight of Buffy's face. It looked like she'd been crying. Ashlynn reached out her tiny fingers and lightly touched Buffy's cheek. The skin was damp, confirming Ash's suspicion that her Mom had been upset about something. She wanted to know what was wrong, and why she'd been crying, but she didn't want to wake her up. Instead, she lay down on the bed and curled herself up next to Buffy, falling asleep in only a few minutes.
The moment Buffy felt her daughter's breathing even out; she opened her eyes and looked down at the blonde haired child. She'd been awake the entire time, but didn't have the nerve to face her baby girl yet. How was she supposed to tell Ashlynn that her Father, the man she'd just met and already adored, was gone? How could she tell her that when she, herself, couldn't yet accept it?
Words couldn't even begin to describe how horrible she felt over the way she treated Angel. When she first saw him that night days ago, she'd been completely shocked to say the least. Seven long years had passed since he walked out of her life. The first few months, years even, she kept expecting him to come back to her. After a while, that hope died. It was still there, buried deep inside, but each day that passed the possibility of his return seemed less and less.
Then he was there, standing before her in all his handsome glory. She wished now that she hadn't run from him. She wished that she'd talked to him, or hugged him, or done anything but run. The next time she saw him she acted even worse, and she regretted every second of it. She'd yelled at him and let him think she moved on. She practically threw herself at Lindsey and rubbed it in his face. But worst of all, she tried to keep his daughter from him.
Sure, when push came to shove, she told him about Ashlynn. Buffy wondered, though, if she still would have done it if she hadn't believed she was really going to die. Would she have told him? Yes, probably someday, but he didn't deserve someday. She should have told him right after his return. Instead, she held back, and he had to hear the news when she was half delirious. And then he had to hear the whole story from Willow and Cordelia. Gods, she was a horrible person.
Now, he was gone, and she'd never be able to make it up to him. She'd never be able to talk to him, hug him, or see him with their daughter. He would never be able to do anything again, and all because of her. Angel sacrificed himself for her despite how badly she treated him. She was the one who was supposed to be dead, not Angel. The poison was given to her, was supposed to kill her. Angel wasn't supposed to die! It wasn't fair. It was supposed to be her not him.
The sobs that Buffy had been holding in for days once again rose, but she couldn't cry. Her daughter was pressed up against her and would certainly wake if she let loose the torrent of tears she could feel threatening to fall. So, as quietly as possible, she slipped out of the bed, making sure to tuck the covers around Ashlynn's sleeping body. Stumbling because of her weakness from not eating and residual effects from the poison, Buffy left the room.
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Down in the office of the club, Lorne and Doyle finally managed to get a few minutes away from everyone else. The green-skinned demon had been trying to find the opportunity to talk to his friend for days, but there always seemed to be others within listening distance. Thankfully, some club business came up that allowed them to get away from the others for at least a few minutes.
"Did you know what he was going to do?" Lorne half snapped at Doyle the moment they were within the confines of the office.
"No," Doyle shook his head emphatically. "He came ta me, asked about my connections, and said he wanted ta speak ta them."
"And you just took him there?" Lorne eyed him in exasperation.
"Hey! The man's a big, strong vampire! Ya wanna try sayin' no ta him?" Doyle held up his hands in defeat.
"Did he really threaten you?" Lorne asked as he sat on the edge of the desk.
"No, but that glare of his will make ya do jus' about anything." He shuddered as he remembered the deadly look Angel had given him when he tried to keep the information about the Oracle from him.
"So you told him about the Oracle. He didn't say why he wanted to see them?" Lorne continued his prodding, trying to piece together the events of the past week.
"He jus' said he wanted ta speak ta them. Nothin' else. I had no idea what he had planned," the half demon sighed dejectedly.
"We have no idea if he went there to offer his life for hers though. He probably wanted to know if they could do anything to help her," Lorne offered his thoughts.
"Probably," agreed Doyle. "But ya know them. I'm not surprised they did this."
"Me either," Lorne frowned with a shake of his head.
"I hate that he did it, but it saved Buffy," pointed out Doyle.
"He may have kept the poison from killing her, but I don't think we can say he saved her life." The vibes Lorne was getting from the Slayer seriously frightened him. She reeked of practically every negative emotion there was.
"Gotta agree with ya on that." Doyle, too, knew they may have one the battle, but they were still waging a war on keeping the Slayer from self-destructing.
"I have a feeling that this story isn't over yet, my friend," Lorne suddenly stated.
Doyle looked at him oddly, surprised by the out-of-the-blue declaration, and curious as well. "Why do ya say that?"
"Just a feeling," he shrugged noncommittally.
"Well, whatever yer feelin', I hope it's somethin' good." Doyle started toward the door. "I better get back before 'Delia comes lookin' fer me."
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"So no one's got any idea on how to get her to eat?" Willow asked the group still gathered in the living room.
"We could always force it down her throat," Cordy chimed in.
"Oh, yeah, that'll work. Pry open a Slayer's mouth and shove food in it," snorted Faith, saying something for the first time that night. She felt awkward around these people. It was like they kept staring at her, expecting her to do something.
"Good point," Cordy frowned and wrinkled her nose.
"She'll eat when she's ready to," Lindsey added his two cents to the conversation.
"But what if she doesn't?" Willow's voice broke slightly as she spoke. She was truly worried about her friend's well-being. If they didn't get through to her soon, she was afraid Buffy would waste away to nothing.
"We have ta snap her out of it soon. Ashlynn needs her Ma." Doyle spoke up from where he'd been standing since he came back from talking to Lorne.
The reminder of the little girl sobered them all more than they already were. It was hard enough dealing with Buffy's sabbatical from reality, but they were skating on thin ice when it came to Ashlynn. They'd been lying to her non-stop the last few days trying to keep her from Buffy. And every time she asked about Angel, they were forced to distract her so she wouldn't find out the truth. Even though the child had only just met Angel, they knew it would break her heart to hear he was gone forever.
"Maybe we should let Ashlynn in to see her," Oz pondered out loud. He clarified when he saw the disbelieving looks from the others. "It might snap her out of it."
"I don't think-" Giles started to say.
"No, he's right," Willow smiled at her husband. "She needs something to remind her that she can't just crawl into a hole. Letting Ash in might just do that."
"Ya know, I think you're on to something," Cordy agreed eagerly.
"Any suggestions on how to go about this?" Willow leaned forward, looking at the group expectantly.
Cordelia thought for a second then snapped her fingers. "Tomorrow morning we could take Ash in to have breakfast with her. She might eat if Ash if there watching her."
"Do you think it's a good idea to take Ashlynn in there when Buffy's so out of it?" Lindsey questioned, worry evident in his voice.
"It's the only idea we have!" Cordy glowered in irritation at Lindsey then softened her look. She knew that everything from the past week had to be hard on him. He'd been pining after Buffy for so long and Angel's reappearance and subsequent death showed him that he never really had a chance with Buffy.
"I hate to bring this up now, but are we still going to have the memorial?" Willow raised an issue they'd been talking about the day before. With Angel gone, it seemed only appropriate to do something to remember him. Those who had known him, even if they hadn't really been friends with him, wanted an opportunity to say goodbye to the man who meant so much to their friend and who had given up his life for her.
"I don't think Buffy's ready for that yet." Doyle shuddered at the idea of telling Buffy they were planning a memorial for her dead lover.
Giles sighed and leaned back against the couch he was seated on. He felt direly out of place amongst these people, and didn't know if they really cared about anything he said. "I must agree with, uh, Doyle. I doubt Buffy could handle it in her stated of mind."
"I guess we should wait a while. Buffy's libel to go completely catatonic if we were to do something now." Willow rested her head on Oz's shoulder, relieved that she had her husband there with her.
"Yeah, and I mean, it's not like we're in a hurry since there's no body. He wasn't even alive, err, you know what I mean," Cordy pointed out the not so small fact that Angel was a vampire.
"Cordy!" Willow chastised the brunette for her coarse words.
"What? It's true," huffed Cordy.
"So we're holding off on the memorial?" Oz stepped in to keep a fight from starting. Cordy and Willow may have put their past differences aside long ago and become friends, but they still tended to get on each others nerves.
"No," a new voice sounded before anyone else could speak. They all turned to find Buffy standing at the entrance to the living room.
"Buffy!" Willow squeaked nervously. "How long have you been standing there?"
"You want us to have the memorial now?" Cordelia stated her interpretation of Buffy's 'no'.
"No," repeated Buffy, her tone serious. "There will be no memorial."
"Buffy," Lindsey stood up and walked over to Buffy. "We think it would help if you were able to say goodbye."
"Goodbye?" Buffy choked back a sob. "You think I can just say a few words, light a candle, and then forget that he...he's d-dead."
"Now, Buffy." Giles, too, stood to face his former Slayer. "We don't expect you to forget, but you cannot let this ruin your life."
"Oh come off it Giles!" she shouted angrily at him. "You've hated Angel ever since Angelus killed Jenny. You're probably glad he's gone!"
Giles visibly flinched at the barb. He tried not to let it get to him, considering Buffy's state of mind, but it still stung. "Buffy, you know that's not true."
"Do I?" she laughed in disbelief. "H-how can any of you t-think I could just say goodbye and m-move on.
Buffy tried to step forward, but she stumbled and nearly fell. Managing to catch her, Lindsey pulled her into his embrace and hugged her as she cried. He wished there was something he could do for her, but he knew there wasn't. It was obvious, though, that she wasn't ready to face any of this yet. So he scooped her up and moved to carry her out of the room, sharing concerned looks with their friends.
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TBC!!