Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters or situations or, well, anything! Darn…

Warnings: shonen-ai, language, OOC

Chapter 10

Still Waters run deep – part II

So, I was cooking dinner and so far I hadn't opened my mouth once. So far, so good. What was not so good was that Duo hadn't come out of his room and dinner was almost ready. I really didn't want to have to go and get him. I didn't think I was exactly his favourite person right now…

The chicken was beginning to blacken, so I decided that I really had to serve it up before I gave Duo another reason to hate me. I pulled two plates from a nearby, yet unpacked, box. The solid pottery clanked onto the countertop loudly and the cutlery rattled invitingly. Hopefully that would be enough of a signal and I wouldn't have to fetch the sulky idiot myself.

I hated being on the bad side of people, it was really getting on my nerves. In the days of the war I had just shrugged of hate and loathing. Those types of feelings were to bountiful to worry about during times when you caused so much pain. I had made myself become indifferent, unlike Duo had. Perhaps that was why he found it hard to understand me. Maybe…he just needed to understand better, but…no, that was too false a hope. It had been too long since someone had just, liked me for being…me. Well, Duo seemed to appreciate some aspects of my personality, but I wasn't sure that he would still warm to me as much if he knew what was really going on in my head.

To put it simply…I was just too fucked up for words.

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I was just too fucked up for words. I hated being such an ass! Ah, why did I have to fly off the handle at every little thing!? I was getting on Heero's nerves already and we'd only been living together for about the grand total of one day. I mean, am I really that bad? Can I not exist with other people before I become so annoying that they can't bear to be civil anymore!?

Then again, this was Heero Yuy we were talking about here. Sometimes when I get nervous and rant I tend to forget major details. In this case it was the fact that my new roommate was not exactly Mr.Social-of-the-Year and that I have ALWAYS gotten on his nerves. Yet…he had never really gotten on mine. Maybe that was what was bothering me, the fact that I had gone mad at him over something I would have brushed of two years ago as "normal behaviour". Maybe…maybe I was more worried about my own behaviour rather than Heero's. Maybe…

"…Maybe I should go apologise," I sighed in defeat, trying not to think about the implications of my train of thought.

I had to admit that I'd always adamantly believed that Heero was the one with the serious problem, and maybe last time we met that was the truth. He was always so cold and distant and uncaring. I had never understood how a soldier could be like that, without compassion. I mean, how can you fight if you don't feel for what you're fighting for? I don't think that if I hadn't believed in my own cause that I would have given up before I had started…but I'm getting off track. Heero had always been an unfeeling ass…yet perhaps that wasn't the situation anymore, perhaps things had changed more than I believed they ever could. Maybe now I was the one who Une needed worry about.

"Alright Duo, just shut up now," I said slowly as I pushed out with my hands in a calming gesture, "no need to slip into self deprecation there. You're not helping…"

Then I realised that yes, I really was talking to myself…Ah dammit. I didn't want to go crazy! I jumped up from the comfortable bed, yet the silken coverlet still seemed to suck me back. It was like I didn't really want to apologise and…and I didn't want to admit that I was wrong. Well, when it came to Heero I guess I could be a bit stubborn, but usually I wasn't this bad! In fact, I was usually more lenient with Heero than anyone else considering what he's like. So why was it like the furniture was trying to keep me in place, like my subconscious was trying to tell me something else.

-Yeah, like I ever listened to you subconscious, - I snorted as I firmed my resolve and headed for the door.

My hand was slow to turn the handle, like it was rusty and unwilling in itself even though I had made my mind up what I was going to do. The lock finally clicked, even though my hand was shaking as it griped the polished brass with effort.

This was ridiculous.

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The bowl of rice and stir fry steamed at me invitingly. The haze of heat rose from the food and swirled under my nose making my mouth water in response. Yet I wasn't hungry, despite my complaining stomach. I was actually feeling quite…sick.

I hadn't bothered to turn on the lights as I had walked into the room with my unappetizing prize; I suppose I just wasn't up to seeing more of this world than was completely necessary. So I sat in the dark, staring forward as the light from the half opened doorway skittered across the floor and tried desperately yet futilely to illuminate the dark corners of the room. The only reason I knew he was there was because that light was suddenly thwarted in its quest as it was cut off at the source. His shadow was, I hate to say it, a lot more soothing than the annoying illumination.

"You gonna eat that?" he said from the doorway.

I just continued to stare ahead of me, my legs tense in their crossed position under the table. I didn't want to see that disapprovingly apologetic look in his eyes. He had nothing to be sorry for, it was I who should apologise. Not that I would, not that I ever did…ever had.

"Obviously not."

I heard his soft tread on the threadbare carpet as he walked to the table and thumped down across from me. I could feel his eyes on me as I kept my own on the dinner sitting between us. The darkness in the room seemed to permeate everything, yet I couldn't bring myself to move. I couldn't bring myself to turn on the light and see those amethyst eyes on me.

Then all of a sudden the chopsticks that were standing stuck into the pile of rice glinted in the soft light emanating from the hallway. They moved gracefully in the soft light as if for their own volition, snagging a piece of helpless chicken and lifting it into the maw. The darkness swallowed it before Duo did, and the thought made me shiver involuntarily.

"S' good," he mumbled past the bulky piece in his mouth, "you sure you don't want it?"

"I never said I didn't," I replied softly as I watched him move like a shadow just beyond my sight of reason.

"Well," he sighed stuffing the chopsticks back into the rice and sitting back on his hands.

I didn't look up from the yellow wooden sticks, like barren trees, the rice like the leaves of April turned dead in the dark.

"But I don't," let my mouth move with my mind, just letting it say what it wanted.

The annoyed huff of breath from across the table indicated how difficult my mind had decided to be, and I was successfully annoying Duo again. I just didn't move as he leaned forward into the little pool of light from the door, my little sanctuary, and caught my half vague gaze from the food. He held my eyes with his own, perhaps hoping to see in them what my mouth refused to tell him…

…That I was tired, that I was feeling sick, that I was…scared and needed someone to tell me everything was going to be alright. No one ever used to tell me that. I always just had to know it for myself, or learn not to care either way. Now, however, that was becoming harder and harder to do. The secrets were weighing on me, confusing me…and I didn't want to hide in the dark anymore. Especially in the dark.

"Are you…feeling alright?" he said almost begrudgingly.

"…No" I said, deciding to take over the job of speaking from my twisted fed up mind; I decided I wasn't going to get anywhere with Duo unless I told the truth.

"Huh?" I guess he hadn't expected such a blunt and revealing answer from me, perhaps he had already given himself up to verbally chasing the answer out of me like used to do during the war.

That wasn't necessary anymore and perhaps that was stranger to him than my blacking out in the hallway earlier that night. Ironic considering how closely connected the two were.

"What do you mean no?" he said with a barely discernable frown.

"I mean what I said," I told him matter-of-factly as I unfolded my legs and stood up slowly, "you can have the food. I'm going to bed now, please leave."

"Heero," he said following me with his eyes, "if you want to…talk, please, I'm here."

"I don't," I said through gritted teeth, suddenly feeling very defensive and vulnerable.

"Look, let me rephrase that," Duo said, standing himself, "I'm not going to leave until you tell me what's wrong."

"Yes," I said menacingly, letting my mind reign once more as I felt the fear of confession and conviction once more gain prominence, "you are."

"Damn it! How many times are you going to do this in one night Yuy!" he snapped, stepping around the table into the light to face me, "You can't just say there's something wrong and then tell me to just piss off and pretend I didn't hear it!"

"Yes I can," I said solemnly as I suppressed the almost irresistible urge to just throw myself into his arms and tell him everything; something in my mind was holding me back, something deeply buried… my own guilt, "and that's what I'm doing."

"No! I won't take this crap from you! You know I won't," he added a little less brusquely as he calmed himself, "I told you that you wouldn't get away with just shrugging me off anymore when you said you were going to move in and you accepted those conditions. Don't think I'm just going to let you back out now, not when it's obviously something important."

I just stood there then, a little lost for words, and looked into those clear violet eyes sparkling with concern. I just wanted to tell him, let him know, above all else, just how much…

"…I need you," I whispered, my hidden eyes shining with unshed tears and my mind a sudden tumult of emotion and concealed pain.

"What?" Duo asked, the anger in his tone ebbing but a little in confusion.

"Nothing," I said a little louder as I dropped my chin to my chest to conceal my weakness.

"Oh for fucks sakes Heero!" he exploded once more, "Why do you always have to shut me out? Why can't you just let me in, just a little bit? Just so I can help you, huh?"

"I don't need your help," I said back automatically, not being able to stop the pre programmed words before they left my bumbling mouth.

There was a flash of painful rage in those clear cut gem like eyes which stared at me from under a waterfall of chestnut. I felt my mind swirl in satisfaction, knowing it had only caused more pain. Darkness, all around me, the darkness was growing. I couldn't stop it now, I could only give in.

Only give in.

"Well fine then, if that's how it is then fine," he stormed past me and out into the hallway where I heard him rustling amongst the coats, "man, you're enough to drive a guy back to bad habits you know that?"

There was the distinct sound of a lighter clinking and sparking and then a deep, burning inhale. I could just see the edge of the plume of smoke from where I stood facing the doorway, a little shocked to say the least that Duo was doing what I thought he was doing. I walked carefully forward, making sure not to ignite Duo's waiting temper as I stepped half out into the hall and stared at the braided teen in front of me. Duo was leaning back against the hall wall, his braid carelessly hanging like a tail from between his legs, shoulders slumped, face relaxed yet sad and one hand raised to hold the red tipped cigarette to his willing mouth. It wasn't exactly a picturesque sight and I wasn't happy about being the one who caused it.

This wasn't going to be my night, I could tell.

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So I had given up for, what was it now? That's right, ten months and three days. That's how long it had been since I had last drawn a lungful of smoke since that night that Heero decided to stress me to the max. The overwhelming urge to have a cigarette had just been too powerful, and that coupled with the fact that I was in serious I-really-don't-give-a-fuck-anymore mode meant that the issue of whether or not I was going to smoke the rest of the packet in one night, in truth, wasn't really an issue.

I wasn't even sure why I had bought them when I did. Heero and I had stopped at a convenience store for some shopping, and suddenly they were just been sitting there in front of me. I had had a bad day, I had thought that maybe I could just have one and it would be alright and they had looked so nice in their shinny silver wrapper with its swirled writing. So I bought them, all ten of them, and had thought that I could sneak a quick one while Heero was still milling around the isles. Yet, when I got outside…I just couldn't bring myself to break the promise I had made to Quatre. I had promised him I would give up, and this time for good. I really hadn't wanted to see that disappointed look in his eyes when he caught that smell of smoke from my hair, or even just felt my guilt with his strange empathic power. So I had broken the one I was holding in half and stuffed the others into my jacket pocket in case Heero came out and saw me. Cowardly I know, but I hadn't cared. And now here I was, standing in the hall of my new flat with my new flatmate and my old habit was coming up and biting me in the ass. This wasn't the way to start a new life, with something that represented my own personal misery, with something that was the very embodiment of the lowest I had been in my entire existence. I know what you're thinking, "how old are you exactly?". Ha, no one ever believes me when I tell them I'm only nineteen. Sometimes I don't even believe it myself anymore.

"I didn't know you smoked," Heero mumbled from the doorway, his long leg half way out and his hair and the shadow hiding his eyes.

"Yeah well, both times I've started are now your fault," I informed him with morbid satisfaction.

"What do you mean "both"?" he asked with a slight frown, narrowing his hidden eyes slightly so that they glinted in the sparse light.

"Well when I started originally, one and a half years ago, it was your fault, and if I'm not mistaken this right now is your fault too, ne?" I said with a sarcastic smile as I flicked my cigarettes cinders to the carpet.

"I didn't tell you to start," he mumbled back, snorting derisively yet not looking away from me.

"That doesn't mean you didn't start it though does it now?" I said taking another long drag from the small white stick as I let my eyes cloud with the sweet suffocating addiction.

We stood in silence after that, Heero not objecting again to my filthy habit, although his look betrayed his feelings. I just finished my cigarette, feeling more and more apprehensive at the way he was staring at me but not letting it show too much on the surface. Once I had taken my fill of nicotine and tar I dropped the small calm-giving stump to the floor and ground it into the carpet. I think that the small gesture was done more out of spite than the lack of an ashtray, and Heero's reaction, the slight bunching of his hands and the straightening of his back, was entirely worth it. I was really in the mood for pissing him of right now and I no longer felt the compassion to hold back my cruel side from him. So I walked right past his rigid form as he stood staring angrily forward towards the smoking stub on the floor. I didn't even look back as I opened the door to my room and the hinges squealed unnaturally loud in the awkward silence. I just wanted to make him feel bad for pushing my hand away when I had held it out to help him. I men, what did this guy think, that I was going to just shrug of his sick personality forever? He could think again. I had put up with it for to long already and it had only been two days and a bit. Not much compared to the years we spent as "partners" during the war, eh?

"If you feel like talking in the morning," I said clearly through the quiet, "then I'm sure the wall will be very eager to hear your story."

With that verbal knife satisfyingly slipped between my flatmates ribs I walked into my room and shut the door. I undressed, undid my hair, brushed it out, put on a grungy T-shirt climbed into bed and subsequently burst into tears before falling into a fitful sleep.

So I'm no good at being nasty and spiteful. Bite me.

AN: Well that took a while because my idea decided to be just a tad more angsty than I had intended. Argghhh, I'm getting frustrated with my own characters here! I hate my little muses, their so cruel! But shhh, don't tell them I said that or I'll have writers block for a week '''^-^'''. Okay but yeah, please R&R as always feedback is welcome.

I know I haven't been very good at replying to reviews but here goes!

To Mithros: Hee hee, hope my psycho Heero isn't scaring you too much lol! He'll get better honest, as long as he keeps taking the pills ^~^.

To Shadows of Grey: Actually I have seen He-man and the Masters of the universe and I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU! It is the single most boring repetitive cartoon on this planet lol! I think Heero-man and the Masters of Gundanium would be a much more *hcrmm* attractive idea ^-^;;;! Aww you think my Heero is sexy? Thanks! Heh heh at least I know I'm getting him how I want him lol. Whoa, that sounded bad! Arghh, have to stop typing now before I say something reaaaaly bad! Keep reviewing, I look forward to 'em ^-^!

To Krazy Girl: I'm sorry I confused you! I will explain all I promise I will! Just not very well! Heh heh. Hmmm Heero's where abouts ahhhhhh…

To Tiinka: As if I would ever give Heero and Duo a bad ending! Shame on you for thinking such a thing lol! Kidding of course, but I'm glad you are also a fan of happy Heero/Duo endings, I'm not alone yay!

Ahhh there we go! Thanks to you all for reviewing and I'm sorry this chappie took so long and that I seem to still be rambling! See you next chapter ^-^!