Title: Nothing Ever Changes

Summary: Jack's thoughts while talking to Sam in Affinity. S/J

Genre: Romance/Angst

Soundtrack: Written while listening to 'How Come' by D12. On repeat.

Disclaimer: Don't. Own. Stargate.

A/N: Wow, that scene depressed me, this fic was my way of working out what's going on with our ship.

Let them be earrings… God, please let them be earrings. As disturbing as it was having Carter show me a gift that her boyfriend got her anything would be better than-

A ring.

Crap, it was a ring. A giant shiny ring, mocking me with it blinding… shinyness. Well, go Pete Shanahan. He'd known Sam for a few months and had asked her to marry him. I'd known Sam for eight years and still couldn't say her first name.

Engaged… betrothed… affianced…

Are they? Why's it still in that little velvet box? She's looking at me like I'm about to throw up. I'll admit, the thought has crossed my mind, but it would be a waste of perfectly good… day-old lasagna.

I should say something. She wants me to.

"People normally wear these on their fingers," I explain, knowing she'd hear my real question.

'You said no, right? You laughed at him, said that you could never be with him, that you were madly in love with… uh, me… that you were just using him for sex, which wasn't that mindblowing either, and that he never meant anything...'

Unfortunately that was the furthest thing from the truth. Regular people, like me, would consider doing that, using someone. I knew Sam, and she wouldn't.

"I haven't said yes."

Oh. Her confession made it harder. I guess it shouldn't have, it should have given me comfort to know she hadn't jumped at the chance to be Mrs. Shanahan- God, Sam was no Mrs. Shanahan- but it made it all worse. If she just said that she wanted to be with Pete, and that she had no doubts, I'd have been able to... let it be.

I really hadn't walked into her lab wanting this conversation.

I never even expected it, which is weird for me. I usually can predict things pretty well. Sure, I knew there was something up with Carter. She'd been... distracted. Didn't laugh at my jokes, looked away when I grinned at her. I'd expected to have her admit something that had troubled her over SG1's last mission. Or that she was having a hard time with other team leaders who believed the flagship team should be in the hands of a more seasoned Colonel.

I never expected this.

Never a proposal.

God, I was selfishly angry with her. She hadn't said yes…

"And yet… you haven't said no."

There was a loud accusing snap. Couldn't tell if it was the box closing in my hands or the heart imploding in my chest.

"I told him I needed to think about it."

So maybe I wasn't angry, just disappointed. Not with her, but with her decision. Disappointed that I couldn't be the one she chose in the end. Hurt that it had come to this. A single conversation in her lab, and it was over. I willed it to continue.

"And…?"

Not that I really wanted to know. At this point I could barely hold eye contact. I set the ring box down on a corner of her file. Didn't feel right to touch it.

"That was two weeks ago."

"Ah."

Never pegged her as the type to put a guy through that much emotional torture.

Probably should have guessed as much. She doesn't get it sometimes… she thinks she's the only one who cares.

I care, dammit! Bucket loads! But if I stopped to hold your hand and talk about feelings every time our lives were in danger, the Goau'ld would have laughed at us, and we'd have ended up dead a long time ago. You knew that. That's what regulations are for.

"You know, all these years I've been concentrating on work, I just assumed one day I would-"

"Have a life?" I asked wryly.

She looked up at me, not surprised at how easily I'd read her thoughts.

We all felt that way sometimes, regret came with the profession.

"Yeah… now that it comes down to it I don't know."

I looked down at the desk, willing the klaxons to start ringing, or something. I didn't want to hear this. Somehow it was more terrifying than being put in a sarcophagus, skin burning with new forms of pain, knowing death would be denied yet again.

"I mean every time we go through the gate we risk not coming back."

I shrugged, not trusting the connection between my brain and my voice just yet. Saying something like 'yeah' may come out as 'ditch Pete, marry me instead. I could have us in Vegas by nightfall'.

"Is it fair to put somebody else through that?"

"Pete is a cop. I think he could handle it."

And if he can't, feed him donuts. He'll get over it. If he's what you want, then don't let your job be an excuse. I'd hate for me… uh, the SGC… to be the reason your life feels incomplete.

Pity she couldn't hear my thoughts. I was pretty sure they were a lot more poignant than anything coming out of my mouth. She was still antsy, distracted, like she was holding back her fears. What more was there? God, the next thing you know she'd be talking about-

"What about kids?"

'Oh for crying out loud…'

"What about 'em?"

"Do I take maternity leave and then come back? What- do I drop the baby off at daycare on my way to an unexplored planet on the edge of the Crab Nebula-"

"Carter- there are people on this base who have families."

She looked apprehensive for a moment, making me hold my breath in lieu of her next question. Did she have any idea what she did to me?

"What about you?"

Huh?

"If things had been different…"

She stopped like she'd just said something wrong... and she had. We didn't have the luxury to dream. Cold facts were all that existed, chances not taken and rules all obeyed.

I couldn't help but wonder...

Maybe if I tell Carter I love her- that I'm in love with her... and she, miraculously, reiterates my feelings. Then she dumps Pete, we go out a few times, and learn that the other isn't perfect. She finds out I'd rather stay in with my pizza than go out to dinner. I find out she color codes and catalogs her socks according to a complex grid system that the guys from NASA couldn't figure out. We drive each other crazy, and suddenly were both incredibly miserable.

Or maybe... maybe she won't mind staying in, as long as I order Chinese instead. And what if I show her that the world doesn't end if the black socks and the white socks decide to intermingle. Sure their different... but they're still both socks.

There's symbolism in that somewhere.

We're the same kind of people, she and I. The kind that landed up together in fairytales, and alternate universes. We'd still drive each other crazy, but we'd be incredibly in love. What would I do if things had been different? If Charlie hadn't died? If Sara hadn't left me? If I admitted all those years ago that I was completely and utterly in love with Captain Samantha Carter?

"I wouldn't be here."

Doesn't matter now though, does it? What I think, what I feel... not important.

I'm turning bitter again. Happens when I lose hold of something I love. My reflex is to withdraw, walk out of that Goddamn lab, and avoid Sam Carter.

I probably would have done that a few years ago, had circumstances been as they were. Now it was different.

She'd changed me... and what had I done for her in return? Given her a sense of guilt that whatever residual feelings she had for me had been betrayed by her impending engagement.

I glanced up at her. Instead of the usual expression of excitement and curiosity, there were lines of tension marking her beautiful features, and I think I'm the cause of them. Aren't I? She's so easy to read out in the field, but in here... in this room she's always remained a mystery.

She looks so miserable, tired.

I want her to smile. God- she has to know I'd do anything for her, anything to make her happy. What else can I give, but everything I have?

"I suppose not," she nodded, "Thank you sir."

There was finality in that statement. I don't know what sort of conclusion she'd come to but it was clear she'd made a decision.

"Sure Carter, but next time don't make me order you into talking to me," I warned, certain that the grin hadn't reached my eyes.

I could deal with this. I could be the good CO, and be supportive of my subordinate. I could be the good friend and be excited for her. I could be the man who loved her, and had to give her up.

"Yes General," she said, giving me one of her genuine Carter-smiles.

One that did reach her eyes.

It left me with a warmth for about three seconds before I realized I shouldn't torture myself this way. I nodded and left the lab. So she'd moved on. Maybe I would too someday… but it was really her decision. I loved her, that wouldn't change, even if she did get engaged, married, had children of her own.

A small part of me still clung desperately to hope. It wouldn't go away until I heard her utter the words 'I do'.

Until then, no matter whose ring she wore on her finger, she'd be my Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter.

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