A Wind Called Fate
Part XI: Listless
A Mummies Alive! Fanfic
I drifted in and out of consciousness regardless of whether it was day or night, but it had nothing to do with my injury - it was healing, and rather well. No, it was me. I felt like nothing mattered anymore. Listless. You can read the word. You can even see someone you'd use it to describe. But until you experience it first-hand, you'll never really understand it. The inability to care about anything is strange and disturbing. The feeling of not being alive, even though you are is something I don't think I can describe in words.
I couldn't eat. Not the soup my physicians insisted on. Not even the real food my maids snuck in while trying to convince me to eat. It just didn't seem to matter anymore. Time still didn't seem to make sense to me, so I don't know how long I fasted. A day or two. A week or two. I was growing weaker instead of stronger because of the lack of food, and that must have been why they sent for Father.
I awoke from one of my moments of unconsciousness late in the night to find him there. I should have been delighted, but the feeling didn't come. I couldn't even make myself feel it, or fake it, for his sake. It made me feel even worse. And the whole time father just sat there, watching me. Not saying a word. There was an emotion in his eyes I couldn't name at the time, but I knew I'd seen it somewhere before. Later I would understand it. Understand the mixture of fear and fury. And realize where else I'd seen it.
"So." He finally spoke, as I did not make any attempt to speak or sit up in my bed. "This is how you're going to let it end? You won't fight?"
I was confused, and it prompted me to speak. "Fight?"
"Fight for life. For your own mind, and body. You're just going to let it win." His words were sharp, and they should have stung. Any other time hearing that tone in father's voice would have cut me to the core, but once again I didn't feel anything.
"Let what win?" I managed to ask.
"Despair, daughter." He answered. "It's a lier and a cheater. It'll make you believe nothing is worthwhile, it will cheat you out of your very life. If you listen to it..." He stood, and began pacing. "I know despair, Yshta. I had a choice when your mother died all those years ago. I could have given into it, but I didn't. I fought, and I won. And I know you can, too."
"Amenutept yelled at me." I felt so stupid saying that. I tried again. "He said terrible things, Father!" Father just looked at me. I realized I hadn't exactly been kind myself. Did he feel hurt by what I had said? "He doesn't care about me."
"Do you love him?" Father asked me. I stared at him, eyes wide, not replying. "Yshta, do you love him?" Again I didn't reply, my mind felt like a whirlwind, nothing made sense. "Such a simple thing, yet nothing is more confusing, is it?" He asked me gently. "If you love him, daughter, then don't leave him. I wish I could ask you not to leave me, but that is something a father can ask of a little girl. You are a grown woman, now, and must find a new reason to stay. I believe, though, that you already have. Don't let despair rob you of it."
He walked away then. I didn't call him back, either. I watched him leave. Then I realized I was crying again. I cried myself to sleep, but it was sleep this time, not just unconsciousness. And suddenly I knew the difference.
Yshta
To Be Continued...
Sorry it's so short, the next one will be longer.
Salmon
Part XI: Listless
A Mummies Alive! Fanfic
I drifted in and out of consciousness regardless of whether it was day or night, but it had nothing to do with my injury - it was healing, and rather well. No, it was me. I felt like nothing mattered anymore. Listless. You can read the word. You can even see someone you'd use it to describe. But until you experience it first-hand, you'll never really understand it. The inability to care about anything is strange and disturbing. The feeling of not being alive, even though you are is something I don't think I can describe in words.
I couldn't eat. Not the soup my physicians insisted on. Not even the real food my maids snuck in while trying to convince me to eat. It just didn't seem to matter anymore. Time still didn't seem to make sense to me, so I don't know how long I fasted. A day or two. A week or two. I was growing weaker instead of stronger because of the lack of food, and that must have been why they sent for Father.
I awoke from one of my moments of unconsciousness late in the night to find him there. I should have been delighted, but the feeling didn't come. I couldn't even make myself feel it, or fake it, for his sake. It made me feel even worse. And the whole time father just sat there, watching me. Not saying a word. There was an emotion in his eyes I couldn't name at the time, but I knew I'd seen it somewhere before. Later I would understand it. Understand the mixture of fear and fury. And realize where else I'd seen it.
"So." He finally spoke, as I did not make any attempt to speak or sit up in my bed. "This is how you're going to let it end? You won't fight?"
I was confused, and it prompted me to speak. "Fight?"
"Fight for life. For your own mind, and body. You're just going to let it win." His words were sharp, and they should have stung. Any other time hearing that tone in father's voice would have cut me to the core, but once again I didn't feel anything.
"Let what win?" I managed to ask.
"Despair, daughter." He answered. "It's a lier and a cheater. It'll make you believe nothing is worthwhile, it will cheat you out of your very life. If you listen to it..." He stood, and began pacing. "I know despair, Yshta. I had a choice when your mother died all those years ago. I could have given into it, but I didn't. I fought, and I won. And I know you can, too."
"Amenutept yelled at me." I felt so stupid saying that. I tried again. "He said terrible things, Father!" Father just looked at me. I realized I hadn't exactly been kind myself. Did he feel hurt by what I had said? "He doesn't care about me."
"Do you love him?" Father asked me. I stared at him, eyes wide, not replying. "Yshta, do you love him?" Again I didn't reply, my mind felt like a whirlwind, nothing made sense. "Such a simple thing, yet nothing is more confusing, is it?" He asked me gently. "If you love him, daughter, then don't leave him. I wish I could ask you not to leave me, but that is something a father can ask of a little girl. You are a grown woman, now, and must find a new reason to stay. I believe, though, that you already have. Don't let despair rob you of it."
He walked away then. I didn't call him back, either. I watched him leave. Then I realized I was crying again. I cried myself to sleep, but it was sleep this time, not just unconsciousness. And suddenly I knew the difference.
Yshta
To Be Continued...
Sorry it's so short, the next one will be longer.
Salmon