Conscious Thought

Author: Kryptonite

Rating: PG-13; nudity present, be warned

Disclaimer: I do not own Firefly. Though I wish I could kick Fox executives in the ass.

Summary: What if River wasn't always totally insane? Third person following River mostly.

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River sat on the bottom of the tub as the water sprayed over her skin. She thought back over the past couple of months that she and her brother had been on Serenity.

River listened absently as her brother's preferred choice of music floated in through the wood door. She clutched her knees to her bare chest, thinking of all the flashes and visions she'd had since leaving the Academy. Even her cryo sleep wasn't really sleep.

' Water makes me lucid. Too bad there isn't more water on the ship.' River commented in her mind tilting her head back so the water would hit her eyelids and drip down her nose and chin. She sat for a few more minutes, mind completely blank for once in a long time.

River finally let her mind drift over the days at the Academy. It wasn't so much she couldn't remember what happened as she wasn't awake for most of it. What little she did remember when she was on the ship and having nightmares wouldn't come out straight because they had planted in a safety mechanism. Just in case one of their 'students' ever got loose.

The dark-haired girl didn't dwell on the few other 'students' she had met not knowing how they were fairing. She knew that the blue-hands would have punished everyone for her escape even as they struggled to find her.

' Jayne makes me sane.' River chuckled over a fond memory of when she had insulted Jayne telling him that 'Jayne is a girl's name'.

Simon knocked on the door, pulling River out of her reverie. " Everything okay?"

" Everything's fine." River made a face when her voice squeaked. " I'm fine."

" Alright. Just try not to turn into a prune, okay?" Simon joked, walking back to sit down in the comfortable chair he had found within moments of entering the room.

River looked down at her fingers, not caring that the 'prunification' process had already started. She leaned her head against the wall as steam rose around her, clouding over the shower curtain and the mirror. Looking down at her body for a minute River's vision was suddenly clouded with red. Blood pouring from hundreds of open cuts, mixing with the water and turning it pink as it swirled down the drain.

River screwed her eyes closed, swallowing hard, willing the image and the sting from the open wounds to go away. When River tentatively opened her eyes again her body was back to be the perfect, creamy, unmarred form she saw whenever she looked in a mirror.

Shakily River turned the water off and stood, pushing the curtain out of her way. She grabbed one of the white towels from the rack and wrapped it around her body taking a quick look back at the tub. Before River's eyes flashed blood-soaked white porcelain. Turning away she faced the fogged over mirror.

" It's not me." She whispered to the image she could vaguely see around the steam.

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" Feel better mei-mei?" River smiled at her brother, having stepped fully clothed from the bathroom. River nodded, knowing that her brother would never find out about the visions of blood running down her-but-not-her arms. It didn't make much sense to River and until she knew more she was going to keep it to herself.

" Well that's good. Come on, we should get back to the ship." River nodded again, letting Simon lead her out of the room, down the hall and out into the sunshine.

It took them all of ten minutes to get a shuttle back to the market where the ship docks were located. It took them another five to wind their way through the crowds and back to the comforts of their home Serenity.

" We got company Simon." Kaylee called, happy at the prospect of passengers, not seeming to understand that this was a bad thing since it meant River had to hide in one of the shuttles until they got off. River nodded, noting with happiness that Inara was still on board.

Doing her best to be as quiet as possible River snuck away from her brother as he flirted with Kaylee and slid into Inara's shuttle.

" You didn't leave." She commented, making Inara jump slightly.

" No. I didn't. Decided… Well I decided-"

" That he's worth it to stay. That you'll keep tryin' because eventually he'll come around and admit what the two of you already know but have just been dancin' around since you came on this ship?" Inara sat silent, stunned at River's soft-spoken words. But in reality it shouldn't have surprised her half as much since they had figured out that River was a reader a while ago.

" Yes. I guess so." She answered the girl quietly, smiling up at her. That was when Mal came in, knocking as he passed through the door. " It's something at least."

" I knocked," He said forcing his words out. " So you're stayin' then?"

" Looks like." Mal nodded, already headed back out the door.

" Alright then. River stays in here."

" I'll get the bed set up for you." River nodded, shuffling her booted feet as she struggled to keep Mal and Inara's heightened emotions out of her head. It was a losing battle, as she had to sleep sometime.

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A/N: Fourth chapter for Saint Jayne [LOL ;)] since he's the one who whined and complained that I didn't have a new chapter for this story yet. So thank him that this is here. Just a little thought. I wanted a couple of things that helped River focus her thoughts, things that might not be in large supply on the ship. Water was the only thing I could think of.

I was thinking about increasing the rating for this chapter but it really isn't R (least not yet) so I wasn't sure if I should. I mean… I'm just confused. Anyway, another chapter with River, yay. I also liked the whole 'prunification' thing.

Enjoy the 'verse, tell me what you think.