Title: Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Disclaimer: Please don't; purely for entertainment. None of the characters are mine.
Pairings:B/F
Note:Season 4ish. After the 'Bad Girls' thing, after Faith was stabbed, after the coma. Before the one where they swap.
Feedback: Always =D
Warnings: Adult situations.
Rating: R for reasons that will become obvious

Part 2

As stupid as I was, thinking she would want anything to do with me, I pulled the door to. But I had to see her one more time, and I realised that this was my chance. As I looked over my shoulder I saw her, scared as she had been, scared as she still looked. She must've thought I was going to hurt her. Again.

I closed the door behind me, being careful not to slam it. But with every my every effort, the door still seemed to echo through the air.

I just stood a moment. I don't think I'd ever seen her that scared in her entire life. And scared of me. Her fellow Slayer, connection-clad. Not anymore.

We'd both made it perfectly clear how different we both were, way before I'd…

I swallowed and licked over my lips as I rubbed my fingers over an irritated spot on my other arm.

She didn't want anything to do with me anymore. So much of me wanted to blame that on her. But with every ounce of anger, frustration, pain I had inside me, I could do nothing but blame myself.

I knew how torn she was from the moment I had met her. Still, I had used that in her defence. And it had resulted in her having a near-death experience. If I hadn't been so foolish, perhaps I could've saved her.

I can't stop thinking that perhaps I could have, if I had pushed. If I had tried, just that little bit more.

I listened to the clicks of my pointy heels on the concrete pavement, and the splash as they disturbed already settled puddles of water. I hugged myself, my arms tight around my body. I was cold.

I was cold because of me.

But it scared me.

No. Not the cold. The emptiness. There was a void. A deep, penetrating, icy void. Transparent. Invisible. That lack of connection was becoming more and more apparent as I trekked further and further away from her place.

And it hurt. No. It stung.

I couldn't stop the pain. Deep in my gut. And it stung more and more as I saw her expression, her body language. She had tried to get away from me, her body backing towards the wall she knew was there. Normally she would be the one to stand her ground. But look. She couldn't stand still. Her fear was making her move.

It tickled as it tumbled towards my chin. But I didn't laugh. I moved a hand to wipe away the cold tear from my face, and sobbed out a cry, upset that she had rejected me.

I had to be able to understand that she didn't want me to be around. Within the vicinity of her. Yet I couldn't. The selfish quarter of me could not bring myself to get around the fact that we were supposed to be apart. We weren't even supposed to exist in the same time, together. But here we were. Separate as good and evil, opposite as fire and water. One could kill the other. Simple as that.

I stopped in my tracks, hearing a faded scream in the distance. Someone was in distress. I spun round, sure that the scream had come from that direction, and before I had a chance to realise this, my legs had flicked into running mode. I looked all around, checking for any possible alley that could be possessing a distressed human and a needy vampire. Nothing. Nowhere. No alleys. Just these roads. All clear, all deserted. Still the screaming continued, and as I ran in the direction of it, a part of me grew. Thinking. It could be her.

- - -

I banged on the door, now sure that the screaming had come from here, then, to no avail, I stepped back. Stood a moment, then kicked the door in.

Hunched. She had awarded herself a corner in which to sob in. Hopelessly. She didn't even notice me as I stood in the doorway, just looking at her. God, she was so torn.

I stepped in, out of breath still, and trying to still myself as to not coax her. My face scrunched, my eyes furrowed a little. I stepped further in, and closed the ruined door behind me. I sucked in a nervous breath before taking steps in her direction, each step making me realise further and further just how lost she was.

My senses told me to back off, although my legs refused to listen. And as I sat down in front of her, reached a hand to her arm, they told me still to get back. She didn't notice me. Her eyes were in a place that I believe were far from here, even if it looked like she was looking at the space between us.

It took me a while before I could speak up, scared that she might freak out on me. Though I was glad I did, because when I uttered her name, her eyes looked up to me. 'Why were you screaming?' I continued, my hand upon her arm, not moving.

She looked at it, though. Examined it's position on her lower arm, then followed my own arm back up to my eyes. I saw her jaw clench and her eyelids slide shut. Then she rested her head back against the wall as she exhaled a long, silent breath.

'It was a vampire,' she told me, her entire self still, except of course for her moving lips, which came together at the end of her sentence.

I paused a moment, before agreeing silently. 'I see.' Panic over.

We were both silent a moment before she opened her eyes, raised an eyebrow, looked down at my hand, then moved her arm away. I flinched, moved my hand back, and inwardly kicked myself for thinking she would let me so much as touch her.

'I thought you-'

'I know,' she said quickly, her tone normal, low, almost dry. 'Panic over.'

It felt to me as if in that time that I had gone she had let her defences slip back up, as if a steel square once again encompassed her, protected her from everything she would ever be afraid of.

The Dark Slayer was back.

We were silent a long time, still also. Then I decided to say something. I don't know that I should have. But it just felt right to me at the time. 'We were both in a bad place.'

She looked at me once again, her head still against the wall, her arms supporting her on the floor. It took me a while to understand her expression. Hate, I think. 'I thought of all people you would be the first to realise that.'

'I shouldn't have…'

'Don't apologise. It's not your fault.'

More silence. I let her continue.

'Just surprised me. Didn't expect for you to show.'

I nodded to myself and gently, carefully ran a hand back through her now half dry, down hair. It had been in a tie-back before, but now it was down. Perhaps she had relaxed at the thought that I was going away. Leaving the room. Never coming back. She probably took comfort in knowing that perhaps that was the truth. 'I didn't mean to hurt you,' I told her in no louder than a whisper, my voice carefully soothing, or at least I believed.

I was surprised to see that this time she didn't flinch. Her eyes followed my hand however, and once out of her hair, her own caught it. I heard her suck in a breath and once again I kicked myself as she sobbed it out.

She broke down before me, as torn and sore as she had been before, when she was scared of me. Perhaps she still was. Maybe she just…contained it better. After all she was now fully dressed…well…in a pair of shorts and a tee. Ready for bed, I assumed, rather than wearing nothing but a towel.

'Hey, shh,' I said to her, quietly, and moved in towards her, my lips soon catching a falling tear that challenged others for her chin. Still, she sobbed harder as my lips touched her soft skin, and I moved an arm to embrace her. Cautious as I had tried to be, I inched it slowly, making absolutely sure it was okay for me to embrace her, by looking for any sign of her moving away from me. But when my second arm wrapped itself around the middle of her back, a little lower than my other arm, I calmed, knowing she would let me hold her. Even if it was just for a little bit.