Her heart was thumping as she sat down at the piano. She was aware that the usually noisy room had gone silent, and that scared her even more.
She could feel how everybody's eyes were on her. She flashed a tentative smile at Cath and Aimee, who sat with Julia.
For the past five days, Anna had been working flat out on some new songs to play for everyone; she couldn't just go up there with the one. She could feel herself shaking all over. What would she do if nobody liked it? After all, only Garth, Aimee and Cath had heard her songs up until now, and she knew that their opinions would be biased.
She looked down at her dress; she had chosen to wear the one she had worn two years ago, when she first met Chris. Granted, it was getting a little small for her now, and she looked out of place in her surroundings, but it was the closest thing she had to a sort of jazzy, cocktail dress. Plus she needed it to bring her luck.
She took a deep breath and placed her fingers over the keys.
As she set into her first number (an upbeat piece called "Crawling Up a Hill"), she felt a strange sense of calm come over her. So what if nobody liked her? She liked her songs, and that was what mattered.
When she finished, she was greeting with riotous applause. She felt herself smiling and nodding at the audience. So this was what performing was all about. Before, she never understood why people would put themselves out there like that, but now she did. Now she understood what people were talking about when they spoke of the glamour of the stage. And the best part was, she was a performer too. She was a part of it all.
She soon found herself coming to the end of her set, coming up to her grand finale. She was attacked by nerves again. Let's Play Pretend was such a personal song to her. Did she really want to expose herself to the audience? Everything in it had come straight from her heart. Everything about it brought the memories of Chris rushing back.
She glanced at Garth. He gave an encouraging nod. Go on. Play it for us.
She swallowed her hears back and started the song. She couldn't help but think of Chris when she played it. Everything came rushing back. She felt like he was right there beside her. She felt like she was back in that party where they first met, wearing her grown-up dress. She felt like she wanted to tear his grave up and crawl in there with him.
She realised she was crying when she finished. She wiped away her tears, and then became conscious of the fact that there was no applause. Everyone was just staring at her. She wiped away her tears and tried to smile.
"Th…Thank you…" she muttered into the microphone. Then the applause burst out. It was so deafening that at first she was almost knocked backwards.
People in the audience were crying.
And she knew straight away that she wanted to carry on playing for them every night.
She had been playing at the restaurant for a while now, and even had her own established mini fan club. She loved the attention she got; it was almost like the old days, except this time, it wasn't because her father was so rich; it was because of her. Her own talents had brought her this far.
She had written several more songs, but none were as real as her first. She had vowed never to play Let's Play Pretend again. It was too personal for her. She had written it for herself, and that was how it was going to stay.
She had even bought a new dress. It was beautiful; she had fallen in love with it instantly. It was red and strappy and long with a slit up the side. She even had a matching pair of shoes to go with it. It was perfect for a jazz bar.
Jo knew enough people to know of her sister's knew-found fame, and she was not happy about it. She thought she had seen the last of her; she was sure she would be slowly pulled under by the way of life down in the slums. Jo shuddered just thinking about it.
She made her way down towards this "Jazz Bar", not really knowing what to expect. She didn't know what she was going to find there; she just wanted to see Anna.
"Downtown Upbeat?" she muttered with a little snort as she entered. Honestly, who could stand to come here? The place stank of smoke and alcohol. She debated whether going inside at all was a good idea.
She stepped over the threshold into the noisy, lively atmosphere. How awful. Suddenly, everybody went quiet, and she saw Anna take the stage.
Perfect Timing… she thought, taking a seat towards the back.
Jo couldn't deny that Anna was good, very good. She even found herself enjoying it a little, before she recalled her surroundings. To think, Anna had lowered herself to this, and just for that man's child!
Even so, Jo couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy as the crowd burst into a raucous applause.
She waited until Anna had finished her set, and then she followed her into the back room. Jo was never very good with envy; she always had to be the best, top of the pile. Perhaps that was why she detested Anna so much.
"I bet you think you're so smart, don't you?" Jo sneered. Anna visibly jumped and turned around.
"What are you doing back here? This place is for employees and performers only!"
"Do you have a problem with me being backstage, Anna?"
"Tell me what you want Jo, then go away."
"My, my. You are rude these days, aren't you?"
"Jo…" Anna said through clenched teeth.
"It's Josephine now. I just wanted to congratulate you on your job; you're doing rather well for yourself."
"Th…thank you…" Anna stammered.
"You know, I bet Chris used to bring you here, didn't he?"
"Well, actually…" Anna began.
"I can just see the two of you now…it was probably a wonder you weren't thrown out for indecent behaviour."
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't try and act the innocent with me, Anna. I heard the rumours. You two were all over each other; it's no wonder you got pregnant. Then again, I guess I shouldn't expect anymore from Christopher Heartilly. The whole family are criminals."
"Jo, I'm warning you…"
"The sister, Aimee, is that her name? She's a well-known shoplifter. And…whatshername, Catherine…I bet she's doing underhanded business too. You can't expect them to be law-abiding. And as for Chris, well, he was the worst of the lot, stealing, and I heard he beat quite a few people up in his time…not to mention all the other women…"
"Shut up!" Anna screamed, "Why do you always do this? Why? The people you're talking about are good, honest people, and they deserve a hell of a lot more respect than you ever did or ever will do! And as for Chris…I'd give anything to see him again…"
"Oh…are you going to cry now? Look at you, your beautiful big blue eyes are just filling up…"
"Jo…I'll tell you one more time, get out."
"I expect I'll see you again soon. Say hello to my niece for me." Jo smiled and turned away, acting as though nothing had ever happened.
The minute the door was shut, Anna sunk to the floor, the tears threatening to come for real. She didn't want Jo to see her cry. She didn't want Jo to know that she'd hit a sore spot.
Despite her words earlier, Anna was starting to feel a twinge of doubt. What if Chris really had had other girls? What if everything he had told her was a lie? She knew it was stupid; she loved and trusted Chris, but she felt on the edge lately.
She looked into the mirror in the corner of the room, imagining that Chris was beside her.
"My one dearest wish is to climb right inside your grave and lie down beside you…" she said aloud, touching the mirror gently with her hand. The tears overwhelmed her and she found herself sobbing.
"Anna? Anna, are you okay?" Garth's concerned voice floated through the corridors. It didn't reach her; she felt as though she were wrapped up in cotton wool and Garth's voice was a distant melody.
She wasn't aware of the strong arms that held her, or the shoulder that she sobbed into. She could only hear Chris's voice. She could only think about her own consuming g#8uilt.
Anna couldn't believe she was back here. She couldn't believe she had come, after everything these people had put her through.
She rang the buzzer.
"Mackenzie residence, may I ask who is there?" the familiar old voice came from the other side.
"It's Anna. My father asked me to come and see him."
"Ah yes. Just a moment please," the gates swung open and she made her way up to the main house.
There seemed to be an entire legion of maids waiting for Anna as she approached the front door. She wondered what on earth the problem was.
"Miss Anna, right this way, please," one of the maids ushered her in and up to her father's bedroom.
Something's wrong… Anna thought as she entered.
Her father was sprawled across his bed, half-asleep. The curtains were shut and the lights were dimmed.
"Anna?" he asked vaguely.
"Yes…what's happened?"
"I'm ill, Anna. Very ill indeed. The doctors say it's lung cancer…because I smoke so much. If I'd spotted it earlier, then…"
"You're going to die?" Anna asked. She couldn't help but feel a sharp stab of emotion. Even if he was an arsehole, he was still her father.
"I know, it's probably what you've wanted all along. I don't blame you for hating me, Anna. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for everything. I only did it because I cared about you…"
Anna felt her eyes watering. It was twisted logic, and didn't make any sense at all, but she knew he was telling the truth. Despite all his faults, he really had cared about her, in his own, strange little way.
"Dad…you can't right all your wrongs in one action."
"I know, I know…"
"I don't forgive you. But…I am willing to accept you…"
"I suppose that's the best I could hope for…" He started coughing, a hacking cough that made the furniture vibrate. Anna sat by her father and stayed with him, just talking about how times used to be.
A month later, her father passed away. He simply slipped away from life in the middle of the night. Anna didn't shed a single tear for him. She was still grieving for Chris.
Julia continued to grow, and it was more and more apparent that she had Chris's smile and eyes. Anna would show her a picture of Chris every night before she went to sleep.
One night, before bedtime, Anna was showing Julia the picture of Chris. Suddenly, she pointed at it, her chubby finger smudging the glass of the frame a little.
"Dad," she said simply. Anna was speechless.
"Yes! Yes, that's your Dad!" She picked Julia up and whirled her around the room.
"Aimee, Aimee! Julia said her first word!" Aimee came careering up the stairs.
"What did she say?"
"Do it again…" Anna showed Julia the picture. She raised her finger.
"Dad," she stated. She didn't seem to realise what a colossal effect this was having on her mother and aunt. She simply sat there, oblivious to the happiness she was causing.
Anna couldn't sleep that night. It had finally hit her; Chris was gone. She had known it for a long time, but now she had almost accepted it. Day by day, she was getting over her crippling grief. But she had one last song to write.
She lit the fire and got out her notepad and pen.
My Dearest WishPushed together and pulled apart
I can only see shards of my broken heart
I long for you; do you long for me?Are you still there; will you let me be free?
Will you grant me my wish?
Will you set me free?
Can I have one last kiss?
Just for me…
If I could,
I would tear the ground apart
And climb inside your grave beside you
To mend my shattered heart
This is my dearest wish,
My dark desire,
Hidden in the flames
Of my heart set on fire
Don't fall away from my heart too
Don't leave me standing here
Grant my wish, I beg you
Release me from my fear
Will you grant me my wish?
Will you set me free?
Can I have one last kiss?
Just for me…
If I could,
I would tear the ground apart
And climb inside your grave beside you
To mend my shattered heart.
She didn't feel any better for writing it, she just felt a strange sense of peace as she wrote down her true feelings. She couldn't cry anymore; her tears were all spent.
She looked at her song one last time, then threw it into the fire. She watched the smoke rise.
"Goodbye, Chris," she whispered, "Goodbye…"
[A/N That's the end of part one everyone, expect Part 2 to be coming soon! I hope you have enjoyed it so far! Oh, and apologies for the corny songs.]