A/N: this is just a lil something i wrote last night cuz i couldnt sleep. For now it's just a standalone but with potential to turn into something more. About my other fic, I'm keeping it on hiatus for a while cuz I wanna rewrite it. Thx for everyone who reviewed that first chapter. It meant a lot to me. and pls review this and tell me what u think. I'd really appreciate it. Now on with it.
If only...
I'm staring at the ceiling of my bedroom as I lie in my bed trying to get some sleep. I still can hardly believe it. I'm a doctor. Finally. Dr. Lockhart. I like the sound of that. My mind just can't shut itself for the night as a wave of happiness runs through my body. I did it. I actually finished med school after so many years of doubts and fears.
But one thing seems to be stuck in my mind mixed with this feelings of happiness and pride. One scene is playing over and over in my head and I just can't put it away. I've tried to think about something else but once I close my eyes there it is again. I'm screaming with joy and Carter comes up to me. And he tells me that he knew all along I could do it. I can see that he's proud of me as he gives me a small smile. But I know that under tough guy mask he's wearing, there is a crumbled man with a life with nothing but grief. His life was shattered. In a matter of minutes, it turned from his idea of a perfect life to a nightmare. I can see he's hurting. And it's only normal. The guy just lost his son. But the problem is, when he's hurting, I hurt. I can feel the pain he's going through. Not all the pain but seeing him moping around the hospital looking so miserable is enough to make me want to cry in pain. If only things had been different. If only I hadn't made those stupid mistakes. If only he hadn't gone to Africa and met that African bitch. But it's all in the past now. There's no going back. But I can't help but feel nothing but hatred towards this woman. Because in a way, it's her fault John is so miserable.
Kem. The African bitch. I hate her. She's everything I'm not. Maybe that's why he got together with her, because she's the exact opposite of me. I don't envy her. All I feel towards her is extreme dislike. If it weren't for her, Carter wouldn't be hurting like this. Maybe we could've given our relationship another go. Maybe I would be the one carrying his baby by now. Maybe we would have a future together. Maybe...
My body finally gives in and the last thing in my mind before I fall asleep is John Carter's sad eyes looking into mine, reading my soul like an open book, silently asking for help.