Heart of Darkness
Chapter 1: Touching the Void
The following events happened on the day that the Earth was destroyed by a Voldem Constructor Fleet to make way for a hyperspace bypass. Coincidentally, this was the same day that Ron Prang found out that his friend Sirius Anglia was not from Guildford after all, but from a planet somewhere in the vicinity of Bellatrix:
"Drink all this firewhisky now!" instructed Sirius.
"Three glasses of firewhisky? At lunchtime?" queried Ron, looking at his best friend as if he were mad.
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so!" pronounced Sirius.
"You should send that to the Reader's Digest. They've got a page specially for people like you," complained Ron, watching Sirius in disbelief as he fiddled with what looked like a very small mobile phone.
"Drink it. It's muscle relaxant. Now, come over here!"
"Sirius, where are we?" asked Ron weakly, picking himself up from the floor, and staggering a little.
"We're safe. How do you feel?"
"Like a military academy. Bits of me keep passing out."
"The alcohol should have cushioned most of the effects of the matter transference beam. You'll have lost some salt though. Eat these peanuts."
"Where are we?" insisted Ron, obediently chewing salted peanuts.
"Aboard a Voldem ship."
"Excuse me, I thought the Voldems just destroyed the Earth?"
"They did."
"But you said we were safe! Anyway, how did we get here?"
"The House Elves let us on board."
"House Elves? I thought you said this was a Voldem ship?"
"It is. They're the in-flight caterers. They hate the Voldems, so they let us on board."
"But how did we get here? We didn't just stick out a thumb, and say, 'Take me as far as the Hogwarts Roundabout'!"
"Well, the thumb is a sub-ether device, and the roundabout is Flamel's Star. Look in this!" Sirius handed what looked like a large pocket calculator to Ron. "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's an electronic book"
Ron looked at the book, and was greeted by the sight of the large, friendly words DON'T PANIC! on the cover. He looked up at Sirius. "That's the first sensible thing anyone's said to me all day!" he said.
"Key in 'Voldem'," said Sirius. Ron typed in the word, and waited. Almost immediately, as hideous images of various Voldems flitted across the small screen, the book spoke in a smooth, dark brown English voice:
"Voldems: Here's what to do if you want to get a lift from a Voldem: Forget it. They are one of the most evil races in the galaxy. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the ravenous Vampyres of Transylvania. The best way to get a drink out of a Voldem is stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the ravenous Vampyres of Transylvania."
"Why doesn't it say anything about the House Elves?" asked Ron.
"It's not very accurate. I'm a researcher for the guide. I'm working on the next edition."
Suddenly, a noise came over the tannoy. "Listen, it's the Voldem captain," said Sirius.
"But I don't speak Voldem!"
"Put this fish in your ear," said Sirius, dispensing a small leech-like fish from a large tank, and holding out the wriggling creature to Ron.
"Urgh!"
"It's only a little one!" Sirius himself put the fish in Ron's ear. Immediately, Ron heard the Voldem speak in English: "… and the ship's sensors tell me we have a couple of hitchhikers aboard. Just to let you know, you are not welcome. This is not a taxi service. As soon as the guards find you, you will be thrown into space. If you're lucky, you may admire my beauty first!"
Ron said, "Sirius, what's this fish doing in my ear?"
"It's translating for you. Look up Babel Fish in the book." Ron keyed in the words, and the book replied:
"The Babel Fish is small, yellow and leechlike. When inserted into the ear, it allows the wearer to instantly understand anything said in any form of language. The fish feeds on brain waves, and excretes a telepathic matrix that the brain decodes using the speech heard, leading to instant language translation. Since its discovery, the Babel Fish, while removing any barriers to understanding, has been identified as the cause of more and bloodier wars." Meanwhile, the screen showed pictures of the assorted inhabitants of many worlds engaged in mindless violence.
"What a strange book!" said Ron. However, he did not have long to ponder on his newfound knowledge, as thundering footsteps were heard approaching them. Sirius and Ron ran away as fast as they could, twisting and turning down endless dingy grey corridors. Eventually, out of breath, they reached the dead end of an exceptionally long corridor. It was not long before a scowling figure holding a wand and a burning torch bore down on them, accompanied by a very spiteful looking cat.
"You must come with me, or you will be late," he said.
"Late? Late for what?" asked Ron, puzzled.
"Late, as in the late Mr Hitchhiker," replied the Voldem guard, with great satisfaction. He liked issuing threats. (The fact that they were no more than that was a fact unknown to his victims: for the guard, whose name was Filch, was a Squib, and could not operate a wand to save his life.)
Sirius and Ron were marched by Filch and the cat to the bridge, where the Voldem captain surveyed them from a chair hovering magically just above the ground. Ron found it hard to look at him: his face was bitter and twisted, and in spite of the fact that the Voldem guard was definitely a humanoid, it was hard to recognise any human qualities at all in this basest of creatures. The captain smiled, producing the same reaction that a snarl would normally produce: fear, loathing, and a strong urge to run away. However, Filch held his wand over them threateningly, and the cat smirked at their obvious discomfiture.
"I am Captain Voldemort of the ship Mindless Destruction," said the Voldem captain, in a high, cruel voice, "Now, Mudbloods, either die in the vastness of space or…
"Tell me how handsome you think I am!"
"Hey - we're not Mudbloods," protested Sirius, "we're Pure Bloods!"
The eyes turned to him. It was almost as bad as trying to outstare a basilisk. "Those who associate with Muggles are no better than Mudbloods," declared the captain disdainfully.
Meanwhile, Ron cleared his throat, and began manfully: "Well, I think you're a very handsome Voldem myself." Sirius stared at him in disbelief, then the penny dropped, and he joined in, "Yes, certainly. Such a noble forehead…"
"And very yellow eyes - like, er - a pair of gold coins?"
"And such nice hair. Such an unusual shade of - er - well, mud is a very fashionable colour this year…"
"Yes, and pale skin shows that you don't go out in that dangerous sun…"
"And you must be able to hear music so well with those unusually shaped ears…"
"And enjoy smelling the flowers with such a fine nose…"
"Enough!" yelled Captain Voldemort. "Death's too good for them! Throw them off the ship!"
The Voldem guard gleefully marched them to the nearest airlock. Sirius tried desperately to engage him in conversation. "Do you enjoy your work?" Filch looked very surprised. "Well, the hours are good," he said, "but now you come to mention it, most of the actual minutes aren't."
"Why do you do it then? Is it the black uniform? I bet the girls like that!"
"Well, my aunt said it was a nice steady job for a young wizard. Some of the shouting I quite like. 'Resistance is futile'," he demonstrated.
"What are you doing, Sirius?" hissed Ron.
Sirius continued addressing Filch. "Oh, you're very good at that, I can tell. But wouldn't you like to do something else. Starting now?"
Filch regarded him for as moment, then shook his head resolutely. "No, if it's all the same to you, I'll just carry on being a guard. The pension's very good you see. Nice of you to take an interest, though."
So saying, Filch pushed Ron and Sirius into the airlock, and closed the inner door on them. Their last vision of Filch was him striding away, with his cat perched on his shoulder, smiling malevolently at them as if she had just found a large bowl of cream.
"This is it then. We're going to die!" cried Ron.
Sirius nodded dumbly, wondering why Earth people always felt it necessary to state the obvious.
The outer door of the airlock slid open.
Two bodies drifted into the blackness of space.