Two Days later

Jaina woke, sore, tired and damp. Deciding that she hated drizzling rain that got your clothes wet without actually soaking – and thus being more bearable in an odd way – she sat up slowly. Her visits to the top of the military base to watch the sunrise were becoming a habit – one I'll have to break, she decided, glancing around. She released a pent-up breath upon realising that she had fallen asleep on the rooftop – again.

Brushing her bangs away from her face, she looked to her chrono and then to the sky. The sun should be coming up any minute now…

But it didn't. The muggy rain and grey sky blocked it from her view. In her anger, she pounded her fists on the cement ledge in front of her as the rain began to come down in steady, icy sheets. When her anger passed her head dropped into her hands, her shoulders slumped.


Ninety miles outside Chicago
I can't stop driving I don't know why
So many questions, I need an answer
Two years later, you're still on my mind


Why can't I get over this? It's just a stupid sunrise. An image flashed in my mind of a dark-haired man. Kyp…stars, Kyp, I wish you were here…I'd even let you be arrogant without making you listen to my griping and provoking if you'd just come back. And Jacen – I'd even listen to one of your stupid jokes, the ones you used to tell all the time when we were kids. Please, just don't leave me here alone.

Dad? Aunt Mara? Stars, even Mother…I need someone…please…Uncle Luke, you had Ben Kenobi to help you when no one else could, when everyone else was dead or gone, why can't I have someone like that?


Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart
Who holds the stars up in the sky


Anakin…you were too young to die, stangit! Why did you go? Why did I fail you? You and Tahiri…you deserved the life together you wanted and don't even think of telling me that you didn't! I'm your big sister for Force's sake…at least, I was.

Why couldn't it have been me, Anakin? You had Tahiri and your life. You had your other half and I – stangitall! Well, I think it's pretty obvious that I don't have mine.


Cuz true love is just once in a lifetime
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?


You and Jacen, you were the ones that could change things. I'm just a pilot, not even the best one out there! I have the smallest amount of Force potential! So what if I'm the stupid "Trickster goddess"? When the war ends and they don't need me as part of psychological warfare, and the need for pilots go down, what happens to me?

Tenel Ka…you were the queen of Hapes, why were you on the Eclipse? I should have been there but you…you're gone now and Hapes has one of your cousins on the throne. Your father's a mess after losing your mother and you. He got married again but he's like some wraith. Even Ta'a Chume looked shell-shocked.


Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue


Raynar…you never were the same after Lusa died. The two of you always tried to pretend you were just friends. That was so stupid. You let love and happiness slip right through your fingers.


Does anybody know the way to Atlantits?
What the wind says when she comes


And Tahiri…I could have helped you, somehow. I lived through what you did. Or did I? Did I really understand? Could I? Or did I just think I did?

Sometimes I wondered if you and Anakin were one soul, I really did. And I envied you so much, you'll never know…It broke my heart to see you deteriorate after Anakin's death. It ripped part of me to shreds because I recognised what you were going through. Her shoulders began to shake as she remembered at a memory she had buried years ago.


I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the ninety-seventh time, tonight
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain


A man walked up the stairs quietly but Jaina didn't notice him. Seeing the woman on the ledge, he stopped. He hadn't expected to find anyone here. It had always been his spot. Why was a stranger intruding now? What was she doing here?

He shoved a hand through his shaggy brown hair and squinted, trying to figure out who the woman was. Her hair was brown and she was small, that much he could see. That, and that she was ready to go through an emotional breakdown. His awkwardness increased.


Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you


Jaina bit her lip and clenched her hands in fists. Come on, Solo, buck up. Straighten your spine. Who cares why you got left behind? Who cares if it would have been better if your uncle, or Jacen, survived? They didn't. You did. No one gives a poodoo if you don't know why. No one cares.

No one.


Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know that I was the one for you


His eyes narrowed. Something was familiar about the woman…was she a refugee from Lin-Ta? He thought it over. He didn't recall seeing anyone he recognised outside of the military at the base; did she only recently arrive? Where else could he have recognised her from?


I want to take you to the end of the rainbow
Watch the stars crash in the sea


"Excuse me?" The woman froze when Tiran spoke. "Are you alright?"


If I could ask God just one question
Why aren't you here with me, tonight?


She stiffened visibly and turned to see him slowly. Recognizing him, her composure slipped enough to show her surprise. Tiran felt his mental barriers go up and he cursed inwardly. Of course it's not someone from Lin-Ta! Don't be stupid.
Princess Solo's – as Tiran had begun to think of her in his mind – chin went up defiantly. "Perfect. Never better. But if things were wrong, no doubt your charming personality would have made everything wonderful again."


Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain


He gritted his teeth. What did I do to deserve this? "That's what I thought. Excuse me." Nearly touching his head to the ground in a deep, mocking bow, he turned and left.


Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you


Jaina growled in frustration. What a horrible man! She groused about Tiran Lee-droy for a few moments before letting her anger go. He had distracted her from her thoughts so she could forgive him.


Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah


She glanced at her chrono, her confusion and dismal thoughts gone for the moment. A full emotional breakdown would have to wait. Wedge wasn't going to like her being late for an Insiders' meeting.

Maybe if she lied and said that she'd shed a tear he'd let it pass.


One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon


Probably not.


Someday you'll know that I was the one for you

…If I could ask God just one question
Why aren't you here with me, tonight?

~*~*~

To the side of the walking brunette stood a man. But appearances are deceiving for the man was not standing, nor was he truly a man.

At least, not anymore.

Once, he had been alive, but he had died and now he was not who he had been, as were those who surrounded – but did not surround – him. They were heart-wrenching sadness and joy. They were the depths of despair and hope. They were hatred, and they were love. They were loneliness, and they were companionship. They were everything, and they were nothing; wisdom and folly.

But, most importantly, they were Life, and they were One.

Before they died they had been eight separate beings, but that became to mean little, as all things do to all beings that are suddenly given a wondrous new perspective.

Quickly, they had lost their memories of their old lives – they were so far away, so troublesome, so insignificant…so why bother? Anything they wanted to remember was dying – had died – in one hour. The hour the living called the "Eclipse Massacre".

They were eight– and One – of the Jedi – what did that mean to them now? – that had been killed so long ago. It seemed like lifetimes since they were "alive," as the "living" called that state of being. Upon dying the eight – the One – had realized that they had been 'Dying' when they thought they were 'Living' and upon dying, they had 'Lived.'

But there was one that was still 'Dying' and they mourned her. Calling themselves "the One" was all well and fine, but false when they thought of whom they had left behind. She was the only thing they still clung to from their long lifetime of death. Until she joined them, they could never be what they could be.

And so they would watch, from a distance, until she would be with them in Life; until they would truly be One…

***

"She refuses to heal," the first Said – an even more glorious, renewing experience than just 'saying', as they had when they were 'Dying.'

"She finds 'Death' very difficult," the second Said, agreeing with the first. "She is enlightened – she knows, somehow, that to 'Live', she must die."

" 'Life' would not be the same for her," the third disagreed, gaining the others' attention. In life he had been the girl's brother – her twin. Memories of her were vague…but there, if he searched deeply. Of all of them, the third knew the girl better. "She would be half a person – you know this."

"She would have us," the first Said.

"It's not the same," the fourth realized.

The fifth nodded once. "This is a fact."

The eight exchanged glances. Even 'Life' could not have prepared them for that moment of Truth.

The sixth cocked their head. It was a small habit that had passed from life into 'Life' – a sign of that they were thinking. "There is one that could still help her," the sixth Said softly, almost hesitantly.

The third's head shot up quickly to regard the sixth but it was the eighth that replied to the sixth. "He is not dead perhaps, but he is most certainly not alive."

"But he is not here," the seventh argued as they considered it. "When it came to her, he gained so much strength…"

"That changes nothing," the fifth Said pragmatically. "He is unable to help her."

Finally the third Spoke again. "You forget – we have all watched her grieve for him even from here. It is true that he is perhaps the only one that could save her, but how much pain would she have to go through in the process?"

The beings exchanged looks once more, their eyes heavy and sad. No matter what happened, one thing was certain in their minds: Jaina Solo's mettle was going to be severely tested…whether he saved her or not…

~*~*~

[flashback]

Dinner was quiet in the Antilles' quarters. Jaina had marched into the eating room, muttering something about a "grubby, ignorant mechanic" and was now smouldering silently as she ate. Wedge couldn't decide whether he preferred her wraith-like behaviour or her anger.

Iella was hurriedly reading over Intelligence reports before a meeting and Myri and Syal were both off planet in a "safe and highly confidential" place. Wedge, still awkward with Jaina, was eating his food as if he was going to have a surgery that would put his stomach out of commission for a month.

When he finished, he forced a smile and said, "Dinner was delicious, Iella."

His wife smiled sweetly. "That's because every food-processor button was pushed in love, dear."

Jaina looked up, her forehead creased. Neither adult noticed her.

"That would explain the heavenly taste," Wedge agreed, his smile becoming more real. "That, and all the talent that went into it."

Jaina stood suddenly, her chair scraping the floor and ruining the mood that had sprung up between husband and wife. "I'm done. Thank you for dinner, Iella." Putting her plate by the sink, she began to walk away.

Iella's eyes followed the Jedi Knight. "Where are you going?"

Jaina stopped and turned back to her hold parents to say shortly, "Out." Then, reconsidering the harshness of her reply, she softened her tone and expanded her answer. "I'm going for a walk. My comm-link's on if you need to contact me." Quietly, almost to herself, she added. "I need to think." She paused for a moment as if testing what she had said before nodding once, firmly and walking out the door.

She wandered around the base before finding herself at her own quarters. A green light blinked over the door, signalling that it was once again assigned to the original occupant – Jaina. So, they were free again. She tried to imagine that the person who had been occupying her rooms was still alive, even though they were more likely dead from a Vong attack.

Keying the lock, she entered the quarters then stopped. Boxes were scattered around the main room, obviously packed with belongs. Her in-room comm blinked, signalling that a recorded message waiting to be retrieved. Upon pressing the button, Wedge's voice came over the speakers.

"Jaina, I wasn't sure who most of this stuff should go to. Many of the Jedi had no immediate relatives still living. As such, I am leaving them for you to sort out."

The breath she had been taking hitched in her throat as she turned back to the boxes, horrified. Emperor's black bones, Wedge, you could have at least warned me! Numbly, she closed the door and stared at the boxes for a moment before growing angry. Stangitall, I can't just dig through people's stuff! I don't even know all of them!

But you feel the loss of each of them – perhaps more than anyone in the galaxy. The honesty the little voice in her mind showed was not welcome to Jaina's mind. It wasn't something she particularly wanted to face at the moment. Later, she would force herself to face some brutal realities as punishment but for now it was better for her to stay frozen.

She hesitated more before kneeling by the first box. I'm the Sithspawned daughter of Leia and Han Solo. I trained – officially – under the former Emperor's Hand and – unofficially – one of – if not the – most powerful Jedi Masters in the galaxy. I can do this.

Despite her resolve, when she saw 'K. DURRON' scribbled onto the box, she had to take a few deep breaths. Slowly, she pulled the top of the box off. On top were gadgets – an extra comlink and chrono, a few tools – and she placed each on the floor, forcing herself to keep from lingering. Beneath the gadgets was his clothing: an extra set of Jedi robes and tunics training wear, flightsuits, civilian clothes and the cape he had gotten years ago from Han.

Unable to stop herself, she buried her face in the cape, biting her lip as the memory of the last time she'd seen her "partner" washed over her.

She watched as he threw his bag into the cockpit. "I still think you should come right away," Kyp said peevishly and her lips tightened in annoyance. Why couldn't he just drop it?

Sighing, she shook her head. The odds of Kyp leaving this matter alone were almost as murderous as the odds of her surviving this Sithspawned war.

"I can't just leave," she argued. "In case you hadn't noticed the Vong are expected to attack any day now."

"The meeting on the Eclipse is about the protection of the Jedi – something few are willing to provide these days." When she didn't reply he continued. "The Jedi have been at the front lines since the beginning of the war; let the New Republic non-Jedi take care of themselves for a while; they seem plenty certain enough they can survive without us."

Her jaw set. "I'm needed here. I'll be at the Eclipse in time. It's just a few days."

"It's not 'just a few days' and you know it. You don't want to go."

She snorted. "In the past five years I've found what I want is of little concern to the Force."

"So why won't you come with me, now? You could use the break – you're wearing yourself to the ground."

She almost smiled then, as she stepped closer to him and lowered her voice. "You worry about me too much, Durron. I'm a big girl now; I can take care of myself."

He rolled his eyes heavenward. "Solo, you're going to get yourself killed some day."

She snorted. "Look who's talking." She sobered. "Kyp?"

"Yes, Goddess?"

She hesitated before speaking. "Be careful. I have a bad feeling about this whole thing."

He grimaced. "Me too. Just the thought of the food on the Eclipse makes my stomach toss."

Her expression tightened. "Stangit Durron, I'm being serious."

His eyes widened in innocence. "So am I! Mara's on a domestic kick – what if she invites me to dinner? You know how much she hates me!"

She groaned and rolled her eyes. "Her cooking isn't that bad."

"So said Dareth," he replied seriously, naming a Jedi Knight that was currently in the Eclipse's med-bay in critical condition. Kyp received a shove for his wit. He didn't so much as rock on his feet. "Hey, don't kill the messenger" he protested, his hands up in the surrender position, a smirk on his face.

Is he ever serious? Jaina wondered.

Of course I am, a laughing voice said in her mind suddenly, but only when I think it will annoy you more than my superior wit.

"Stay out of my head, Durron!"

His expression was bewildered but she could see a twinkle in his eye. "Me? Go into a Goddess' mind?"

"Whatever. Have a nice trip."

She turned on her heel but he caught her arm, his teasing air disappearing like an ice cube in the middle of a Tatooine day. "You're really that worried?"

There was surprise in his voice, something she only caught because of how well she knew him. When he pulled her deeper into the shadow of his X-wing for privacy she didn't resist.

"Just be careful, Kyp."

He blinked before giving a smug smirk. "You know Goddess, if I didn't know better I'd say you cared."

Her expression remained blasé. "Of course I care. You're a superior pilot, a powerful Jedi Master and a born leader. The Jedi are too small a number as it is. The New Republic needs you!"

"The New Republic" he repeated. "What about you?"

"Me? I don't know what you're talking about."

"I think you do. Are you so sure it's not you who needs me?"

She thought she felt a blush creep up her face and hoped that he wouldn't see it in the dim shadow. "We're partners; of course I need you around." Oh, how it had cost her to admit that! This conversation had to end – and quickly.

He drew her close and she wondered if it was on impulse or if he had somehow managed to plan this whole thing. "And what, Goddess," he murmured, sending shivers up her spine, "is being your 'partner' supposed to mean?"

She half-heartedly started to step away but his arms slipped around her in an embrace, keeping her where she was even as his head lowered an inch. "Durron…" There was a warning in her tone but he ignored it. Doesn't he always? she rebuked herself dryly.

"Don't tell me you'll hurt me if I don't let you go, Goddess," he murmured.

She thumped her hand hard against his chest. "Stop calling me that."

"What did I say about you hurting me if you need me?"

"I never said I needed you in one piece," she retorted but her voice was softer than she had meant it to be.

His head dropped several more inches and she found herself getting desperate with her back against a wall. Come on Solo, protest! Push him back! Stangit, do you want to have your heart ripped out again?! Hurry up! Why are you waiting? Why… She began to push against his chest, planning to put all her strength into it, but she was too late and if he knew of her – reluctant – protest, he ignored it. Instead his mouth found hers, so soft at first, then hard, and she lost herself somewhere in his arms.

It took several long moments for Jaina to realize what she was doing and when she did she tore herself away from Kyp, her eyes wide. Stars…what am I doing?!

She could feel his confusion but couldn't bear to meet his eyes and she grabbed his helmet, which had been lying on a box nearby. She shoved it into his arms, careful not to touch him. "You should get going," she whispered, her voice breaking.

He frowned and she could see the hurt she had caused him, buried in his eyes and she wanted to die. Oh, Kyp, if only things were different… But they weren't and she couldn't allow herself to pretend they were.

He looked from the helmet to her, his pain and confusion flooding her senses. "Jaina…?"

She wished she could have left it there. Anything had to be better than letting him know the truth but didn't he deserve to know? "I'm sorry Kyp, I just…I can't." Her eyes pleaded with him to understand for a moment before she turned and fled…

Jaina nearly wept then – it was Kyp's memory that seemed to pull the deepest of her heartstrings. Others she could grieve for but Kyp…she had finally trusted him, let him in, loved him.

I loved him?

Yes. I loved Kyp Durron.

The realization was a slap to the face. To think that she had held the chance to put the past behind her, the chance to be loved with a love she had thought she would never again know, and she had fled from it.

But she was tired…so tired…every emotion had been wrung from her, every tear, except one and she squeezed it for all its worth.

Picking up a nearby box – the box that held the belongings of someone she did not know – she hurled it through the air. The glass of the window shattered and she revelled in the sound. The anger the flooded her senses felt so wonderful. Anything was better than the silent numbness she had endured for so long. So long…

What kind of partner just LEAVES, Durron?! You promised you'd always be there for me – always! You said you wouldn't hurt me! You promised! I thought I could trust you…even if only just you…you were the first one I let in…

And I lost everything.

I have no future.

The bleak thought rose up within her before she could stifle it but calmed her sufficiently for the moment. How in the galaxy was she supposed to plan for a future now?

Another memory rose up within her, this time it was of a conversation she had with her mother a lifetime ago.

"It's all right to be afraid. You're surrounded by fearsome things. Being afraid will keep you alive."

Jaina shook her head. "That's not it. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of surviving…and getting to the end of the war and discovering that I'm all alone. That everyone I knew and cared for is gone."

"Jaina, that won't happen…

"At times like that, you plan for your future by bringing people into your life. You know they can't all survive what you're facing. But those who do, they're part of your life forever. No matter what, when you fall, they'll catch you; when you're hungry, they'll feed you; when you're hurting, they'll heal you. And you'll do the same for them. And that's your future. I've had whole worlds taken from me…but not my future."

At the time she had found comfort in those words – surely, she had thought, the Force would not take everyone from her – but now they were empty.

Guess what, Mom, I was left all alone. You said I wouldn't but you were wrong. I have no one to turn to now. Do you have a nice sitcom-mom solution for that one? Do you?

"Of course you don't," she whispered aloud. "You never expected this to happen. None of us did – not really." The last phrase she spoke, hoping to hammer some jolt of reality into her head.

She sat there for a long moment, bleak despair washing over her. When at last she shook herself out of it, she stood and walked to her bed, shoving a box off and lying down. Wrapping herself in Kyp's cape she curled up on the bed and buried her head in her pillow.

I am half of a person, all alone and surrounded by enemies.

Why do these things always happen to me?

She sighed.

[/flashback]

* * * * *

~TJF