Someone Help Explain This Feeling
A/N: Sorry for the long time between updates- I was computerless until yesterday 'cause I was at this cottage that doesn't even have a proper shower... you have no idea how not fun it is to be trapped in a five room cottage with six other people without a shower for two weeks.... and if you do, I feel very sorry for you. Oh, and I was wondering; I've got a sequel idea for this story, would anyone be interested in reading? It's either that or write an All-Human, and you probably really don't care, huh?
Disclaimer: All credit for characters goes to Joss. All fluff credit to me. Dina is also mine, but I don't like her much.
Buffy woke up suddenly and early the morning five days after Spike had come back, a day after she'd talked to Giles. Spike was lying in bed beside her, an arm loosely around her waist and curled up to her back. She'd only been asleep for a few hours, judging from the black sky she could see through the open curtains. She considered what had woken her up, Spike was sound asleep and not even breathing, and she couldn't hear anyone in the kitchen. A minute later she registered the phone ringing. She quickly picked it up, hoping it wouldn't wake Spike, who was still exhausted after the few days of insomnia.
"Hello," she said, slightly groggy.
"Buffy?" Buffy's head snapped back at the voice, knocking hard onto Spike, who let out a string of curses.
"A-Angel," Buffy stuttered, "you know it's the middle of the night here, right? And you've realized we're not exactly on speaking terms?"
"Why the hell is Super-Forehead calling you, love?" Spike asked, sitting up behind her rubbing his head.
"Do I look like I know? And no macho-vampire pissing contests, understood?" Spike nodded sullenly sat back against the headboard, Buffy put her head on his shoulder, so he could listen to both ends of the conversation. It might have been a stupid insecurity, but it was better to cut it off at the head.
"Giles called me, he's worried about you, Buffy, and rightly so."
"This is none of his business or yours, I've decided what I want, and neither of you are involved," Buffy snapped. It was four in the morning, she had only been asleep two hours or so, and she was not happy.
"You told him you loved him in the final battle, yet you'd just kissed me, are you sure this isn't the same thing- he's there so you should enjoy it?"
"Do you know why I kissed you that night?"
"You're still in love with me?"
"No," Buffy said, cutting him off as he started another sentence, "but, at the time, I wanted to be with Spike- in every sense of the word. But, when I was with you, it was because I wanted someone to help me deal with losing my dad and doing all the Slayer stuff, when I was with Riley, it was to have someone to make me forget about you and play normal. I was wondering if I just wanted someone and Spike was conveniently available, and I'd already hurt us both enough by doing that the first time, so I was just checking to see if you'd do the same thing. And you didn't. When I kissed you... I felt nothing. I love you, Angel, and I always will. But I'm not in love with you anymore."
"And are you in love with Spike? Are you cookies?" Angel asked, the faintest touch of a laugh in the second question.
"I'm cookies, Angel, I'm hopelessly in love with him, and I'm cookies," Buffy grinned at Spike, who was looking at her with his scarred eyebrow raised. "Spike, stop looking at me like that, I'll tell you later," Buffy said, not bothering to cover the phone.
"I thought you said it was the middle of the night there why is Spike..." Angel trailed off. "Guess I still think you're sixteen, I'll leave you. Sorry for the phone call. Giles was in a snit and I wanted to hear it for myself. Make sure you were taken care of."
"I get it," Buffy said, "but that's really not your problem anymore, Angel. And I'm a bit sorry for what I said to you when you last phoned. But not really, you were out of line."
"I know I was, and I am sorry. I just... well, I felt something in that kiss, Buffy, I guess I thought we could just start back up again where we left off," Angel said wistfully.
"Trust me, I know the feeling," Buffy said, "that weird little spark in the air? I got it whenever Spike was in the room after we broke up... you too, for a while, whenever I'd see you. 'Till Riley and then..." Buffy trailed off, ran a hand through her hair, "but I'm white picket fences and fat grandkids with Spike."
"Congratulations. Tell me how that normal thing works out, OK?" Buffy laughed, and Angel joined her.
"Get over me, okay? Trust me, I'm cookies, and there's only one person who's going to eat me from now on," Buffy paused and sensed that Spike was looking at her a touch oddly and Angel would have too had he been there, "that didn't come out well. But you probably know what I mean." Spike opened his mouth and Buffy promptly slapped a hand over it.
"Bye, Buffy, get in touch if you need me," Angel said, and hung up before Buffy could say anything else.
"That was weird, even for Angel," Buffy said, turning to look at Spike, "don't you think?"
"Yeah, bit odd," Spike agreed, "you really don't love him any more?"
"Don't kill me before I finish this sentence, deal?"
"We're over the random fits of homicidal rage now, pet," Spike said, turning her head to plant a soft kiss on her lips.
"Yes, I will always love Angel, but no, I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with you and I don't... I can't imagine not being," she paused, "and I think that sounds pathetic. Because, really, who in my life hasn't left me? And I know that I couldn't stand to let you go again, I was jealous of my own- dead- mother, because Dawn said at least you two were together somewhere now. Sort of. Does that sound evil? And you're no-" Spike cut her off with a finger to her lips.
"Buffy, love, you need to calm down. You've started rambling again," Spike murmured, "and you're not insane. And it doesn't sound pathetic. I love you, I'm in love with you, and only you. But I don't forget Dru, however hard I may try... you're just more real, that's all, love. You're now, you're until next time I decided to go for a sunlit walk and beyond." Buffy bit her lip hard enough to draw blood when he said the words 'sunlit walk' and he licked it away, using all of his strength not to vamp out. Buffy noticed.
"You can, you know, I know it's there. Just because I don't see it doesn't mean I don't still know," she whispered, "you've done it before."
"That was different- I didn't have a soul yet, it just doesn't seem right," Spike said. Buffy recognized it as a William moment and decided not to let it pass.
"Spike, William, you just tasted human blood- it's painful not to go into game face after that, or so you've told me about fifty times..." Buffy smiled faintly, remembering all the times she'd somehow cut herself on well... something, in the urge to get her clothes off and let him lick the wound. She'd never tell him she loved it. Every time he hadn't actually vamped, but at the height of his climax, he'd slipped a few times. When it had been violent. "You've tried to kill me several times- trust me, I know you're a vampire at this point."
"I wish you didn't, love," he said, turning so he was facing away from her, rather than curled to her side.
"I hoped that you'd have the good sense to kick me out the door and go find a better man. Or a man,
period. There's no man good enough for you, and I'm a far cry from it. But when you told me you loved me... I'd already had to turn you away once and I couldn't do it again now that I knew you meant it. Weak." He accused himself, Buffy wasn't quite sure he was even talking to her anymore.
"Hey," she said, putting a hand on his shoulder, "I don't ask any better than the man who died for this world, never could. Like it or not, Will," she liked the name, she thought, as it came out of her mouth naturally, "you're one of the good guys now. You saved the world, and those of us who've done that don't get to play Big Bad anymore. No matter how much you want too. Funny thing about trying to get to be human... or as close to it as you can get. It works eventually." She swung herself over him and positioned his arms around her, letting her head rest on one bicep and putting a small kiss on his neck.
"But that's the thing, love, I'm not a man. I may be close but I'm not quite there. We could never have children." Spike said, "Dawn told me once that you always wanted to have a family."
"I did. But there's adoption, or sperm donation, if you want kids."
"We can never go on a proper date."
"I don't care."
"I'll never get old."
"Trust me fifty year old Buffy will love having a twenty-something plaything. I'll get old and ugly. There are cons to being human too."
"You, my sweet love, will never be ugly."
"I might be, like I said, pros and cons. And one day I'll die-" Spike cut her off quickly.
"And I'll take that sunlit walk I've been talking about."
"No!"
"You'll be..."
"Turn me, then."
"Never."
"Don't kill yourself."
"I'm already dead, won't be much of a difference."
"Please, William..."
"Alright, love, it's not important now, is it?"
"I guess not... but someday it will, won't it? And wouldn't it be nice to have it all sorted out before I'm..."
"Let's not, pet, let's just not. I don't want to think about it anymore... that summer if it hadn't been for Dawn I would have..." Spike couldn't finish the sentence without upsetting Buffy, who was clearly (at least to him) on the edge of tears. He wouldn't have cared to admit it even to her, but Spike was close enough himself. He knew that he'd have to find some way to distract her before she became a total wreck- for his sake as much as hers, he could never stand her tears.
"I know..." Buffy couldn't finish her sentence either. The fact that she could have come back to a world without Spike somehow shocked her, the last three years would have been so different, she realized somewhere faintly in the back of her head that none of them would be there today if Spike had taken his promised walk in the sun. She also knew that this conversation could only end in fists or tears and she needed to end it. "You're right, completely right. We'll worry about it when we need to."
"You know, Slayer, I think that's the first time you've ever said that to me," Spike remarked. "I don't like it really, submissive Buffy isn't very interesting, is she? Why I got rid of the Buffybot, really."
"You know, it's scary that you had a sex robot made of me?"
"Yeah, I know, baby," Spike said, Buffy smiled when she heard the new nickname, it was cute. She had always thought she'd hate being called 'baby', but when he said it, it wasn't half so bad. She'd actually hated nicknames altogether for most of her life, but now it struck a very wrong cord with her when he said her name, mostly because he was always angry with her when he said it. She and Dawn had both learned years ago that even if Spike was almost capable of entirely hiding emotions when he felt like it, use of their real names meant some major soothing had to be done. "But what about us has ever been normal?"
"Nothing," Buffy said, resigned, "and I doubt it ever will be. I mean, white wedding? I think not." Spike nodded affirmatively, not knowing whether she meant literally or figuratively. But he had decided long ago that he didn't like Buffy in white- it played up too much to the submissive Buffy images he was completely over. "But I kind of like weird. Feels natural." She grinned at him.
"And who says it's not. The Slayer and Vampire thing isn't exactly new is it?"
"If you mean me and Angel we just went over that..."
"Nah, trust me, you and Dina aren't the freaks of nature you'd like to believe you are- Slayers have a bit of a thing for us. No clue why. Works to my benefit so I won't question it."
"Why didn't anyone tell me these things before?" Buffy asked, she was long over the urge to either look anything up in a book, or disbelieve anything that came out of Spike's mouth.
"Well, Giles had his nose so buried up the Council of Wanker's collective arse, The Whelp and Red didn't know, I'm guessing Bit didn't either. And no one ever knows what the bloody hell Tall Dark And Forehead is up to," he looked at her pensively.
"You should have told me, oh, I don't know, Spike, let's try four years ago?"
"And you, of course, would have believed me? We're not forgetting my 'pig' days, now are we?"
"Trust me," she leaned up to kiss him, "you're still a pig, Spike." The kiss quickly grew heated.
"Definitely... still...a...pig," Spike managed through gritted teeth as she did something truly evil with her tongue. They were just getting into it when the door opened and a slice of light from the kitchen came in.
"Can I film this?" Buffy shrieked and pulled the sheets tighter around her, Spike rolled his eyes and sat up. Andrew was standing in the doorway, looking for all the world as if he was about to run for his camera. "It'd just be the perfect ending to the romance I'm doing with the two of you."
"You'd better have a damned good reason for coming in here..." he raised his scarred eyebrow. Andrew winced slightly, he remembered being bitten by Spike, it wasn't fun. Cool to brag about, but not fun.
"Dee got in a fight with something- maybe the boyfriend- and we thought Buffy should come out and do the whole Obi-Wan thing." Andrew explained cheerfully, "and Dawn thought she heard 'funky noises' and of course, even though Xander's male the thought of Spike naked apparently scared him, and no one can find Willow, And Dee's bleeding buckets so I think I got nominated to wake you up."
"Joy," Buffy said dryly, then she turned to Spike, "you should stay here- I mean, Slayer blood and she's just getting used to the idea of a vampire living with us. And it's probably just a blow up with the vampire sex-toy, we both know how those can go," she let out a low chuckle before she got out of bed, pulling the sheet with her, because Spike was under the comforter. "Out," she said to Andrew, who was watching, fascinated, from the doorway.
"Yes, Ma'am." Andrew said, giving a mock salute before leaving.
"That gives you a right proper power rush, doesn't it, Slayer?" Spike laughed from the bed as Buffy pulled her robe around her and tied it.
"Shut up," she said, "but yes, maybe it does. And as to our conversation before you distracted me with sex and banter- did that come out as Anya as I thought it did?- we've got to finish it sometime, alright?" Spike nodded, resigned and knowing it was true. As she closed the door behind her, Spike called out.
"I resent being called a sex-toy!"
Half an hour later, a very bored Spike decided that the kitchen was probably Slayer-blood free at this point, so, grabbing a pair of jeans, he ventured out. He had (thankfully, he reflected, he wasn't completely immune to temptation. And one Slayer's blood would set him on fire for another's...) been right, the kitchen was empty, and save for a few blood soaked rags in the sink, things were looking alright. He warmed a mug of pig's blood from the fridge, just in case, before going into the living room.
"... and you expect me to believe that he'll never do this again? You're a horror story, Dee, you need little cones around you 'romantic mess' scrawled on your forehead! I may have dated my fair share of demons, but they- for the most part- had souls and I didn't purposely seek them out! It just happened- you, on the other hand, handpick the wrong man from a batch of them, then lead him on for months at a time and then finally, finally get your little sixteen-year-old ass in trouble of some sort. Some of which results in emergency contraception, don't you dare think I've forgotten that. And I always fix it- well guess what, Dee, you're a Slayer, and independence is big. So ditch the rotating bad-boys act, or actually pay attention in training once in a while so you don't break your ribs quite so often-" Dina seeing Spike interrupted desperately from where she was lying, bandaged, on the couch.
"Spike, please, please, please make her shut up and I'll never let Andrew put milk in your blood again..." Dina pleaded, she hadn't been around them together that much, but she knew that if anyone could persuade Buffy that maybe she was going the wrong way about something, it was Spike. He had a connection with her that rivaled Willow's and Xander's, and was at the same point as Dawn's. He could change her mood with a touch, whereas it would take Dina some serious bargaining.
"What, exactly, happened?" He asked diplomatically, taking a sip of the blood in his mug.
"This idiot went out and tried to-" Buffy began.
"I just wanted to see him and he-" Dina said at exactly the same time. Spike held up a hand to silence
both Slayers, almost identical death stares were sent at him.
"Dee, you first," Buffy glared, "it's likely to be slightly less skewered since she doesn't seem quite as barmy as you."
"I'm not barmy!" Buffy protested, but Spike slid a hand around her waist and pulled her against him, then nodded at Dee to talk. "And who actually says barmy?" Buffy mumbled to him as Dina started talking.
"I just felt like seeing him, because it had been a while, and he's sort of king of this graveyard- do you guys do that?- well, anyway, he's like head honcho so I figured he'd be there. Well, he was and he was doing some world-domination thing that I think I interrupted, so I tried to pull him aside and then I guess we just went at it. I fainted just after he left, and I think because he didn't drain me it's all okay, isn't it? I mean, Spike, didn't you and Buffy ever fight? I mean, after you were de-chipped?"
"There was that one time..." Spike said, looking at Buffy.
"You were being a jerk!" Buffy exclaimed, pulling away from Spike and turning to face him
"I was trying to stop you getting a life sentence for a murder I didn't think you'd had the time to commit!"
Spike spat back immediately, "And honestly, tell me I wasn't right, pet."
"You should have let me do the right thing!"
"Which was getting yourself incarcerated? Buffy, I'm all for you being the longest-lived Slayer but I'd like that life to be somewhere where I don't need a conjugal visit pass to see you." He was mad at her, this wasn't good. Buffy wasn't ready to admit that he had been right three years ago, but fighting with a newly rediscovered Spike for the first time wasn't to high on her list of things to do. Neither, however, was giving up.
"It was my choice."
"It was the wrong one. You were the only Slayer-"
"There was Faith."
"And she's just a model of responsibility, isn't she, Buffy?" Spike snapped at her, he didn't want to do this, but he was truly angry with her, if only because they were both bringing up the past and he knew what this would eventually lead to. It may not have been on purpose, but somehow Buffy would bring up that night in the bathroom, and that would be it. It would be at least a week before things went back to normal, and he'd definitely have a few uncomfortable nights on the couch before that. Or maybe she'd even get really nasty and in that fake forgiving-Buffy voice offer to let him share Andrew's room. Or, if she was being really horrible, Xander's.
"I'm not..." Buffy murmured before turning and spinning out of the room.
"Shit," Spike said, clenching a fist at his side and taking a sip of blood. "Bloody buggering hell. Damn. Fuck." Dina looked at him. "She's not had a boyfriend since you've been round, has she?"
"Didn't have time, between the crying over you and the throwing things at people who mention you. She's been different since you've been here, really different. More like a real person, kind of scary, actually, there's supposed to be this layer of separation between Slayers and Watchers, or so I'm told," then she looked at him. "Why'd you get a soul anyway?"
"Long story, but, boiled all down, Buffy I guess, just Buffy."
"You're a real romantic, aren't you?" Dina said, looking at him strangely.
"Always was, love, William the Bloody Awful Poet, that was me. Mad as a hatter over some chit most of the time," he flashed her a trademark grin, "and now I've got to go get to lucky number three without her ending up in tears or me ending up with a black eye. Then, I think I'll go shake hands with the pope at noon on a sunny summer's day and live to tell the tale."
"Lucky number three?"
"Cecily, Dru, Buffy," he ticked them off on his fingers, "third and definitely last woman I've fallen properly in love with."
"Dumb names," Dina commented as he made his way out of the room, cursing and running a hand through his hair, his mug of blood forgotten on the coffee table.