I can't believe I'm doing this, it must be the boredom. A chapter a day! shudders

A Day-in-the-Life of Foul Ole Ron

"Well, folks, today we've got a real treat for you. I understand that many people were annoyed that yesterday's documentary was cut off so soon due to technical problems, so we've decided to provide another, unscheduled, documentary. Today, Bill Offler is filming a day in the life of that most honoured member of Ankh-Morpork society, who everybody knows and-and-"

Basil chokes, and lifts the script up to the light, as if to check it is genuine. Then he sighs and continues, "everybody knows and-" (cough, splutter), "loves," he turns lobster coloured, then very quickly says, "The amazing man known as Foul Ole Ron," he begins to rip up the script he has just read, "Over to you, Bill!"

The camera cuts to busy intersection near a bridge over the river, where Bill Offler is holding a frantic discussion with his crew. Several had wanted to leave, earlier, but they had all got pay rises. Now they were trying to convince Offler not to leave, for he had just realised his life has got worse, or at least his job has. Eventually, after several minutes of hurried arguments, Offler turns toward the camera. The rest of his crew hurries for their equipment.

"Well, I am sorry for those little technical hitches we had yesterday, and indeed for those we had today, which have just been fixed," Offler, very visibly, rolls his eyes as he half turns toward the river, "But, here we are, just next to the Short Street intersection with Quirm Road, and, or so I have been told, beneath that bridge over there," he gestures toward the bridge, "is the burrow of this particularly fascinating creature."

He strides to the embankment, and then down it. His eyes, what we can see of them, start watering. The view turns slightly green.

"Now, if we creep down here, we may get a chance to see Foul Ole Ron acting as he does away from the sight of the public. AH! there he is!"

The camera gets round the slimy knoll that, it seemed, acted as a boundary wall. A dog, several people and a campfire were there. The dog seemed the most important,

Offler resumes his lines, "And there, on the left, in that old coat, is Foul Ole Ron, see how he stands out even in this, distinguished, crowd. See how he keeps pride of fellow Streetus Nuisancis under his firm control, remonstrating them whenever they speak out of turn; just listen to that!"

"I say, there appears to be a st-" begins one of them, who has a duck on his head, only to be interrupted by Foul Ole Ron,

"Bugrit!"

All the people (using the term loosely) around the fire, including the dog, are now looking at Bill Offler and his camera crew. They all stand up and attempt to look threatening (apart from Arnold Sideways; he merely attempted to look threatening), and then the Duck Man approaches them and says

"Who the devil are you, then?"

"We a-"

"I don't think they're anyone. I thinks those boots we got last night were off!" coughs another one of them, known, appropriately enough, as Coffin' Henry. Then he hawks, and spits into the fire, all the while glaring at Arnold Sideways, who had obviously purloined the boots.

"Ahem! We are people. I am Bill Offler and I am doing a documentary on you, specifically, on Foul Ole Ron. Now, just act like we weren't here!"

Unfortunately for Bill, they don't seem to want to do that. They all act most interested in the recording equipment, shaking it and rapping on the lenses.

"What is that?" asked Coffin' Henry, somewhat bewildered.

Bill ignores him, actually turns away so he wouldn't have to look at him. Then he restarts his commentary,

"See how the simple yet noble Streetus Nuisancis are intrigued by anything they don't know, perhaps checking to see if it divu-"

"'Ere, I said, what is that!?"

"-lges food or water. And, furthermore, notice how Ron keeps back, allowing othe-"

"Hello! I asked what that thing is!"

"-rs to take risks for him in the way of a natural leader."

Foul Ole Ron meanwhile, seems more interested in the bridge sidings than anything else. He is poking them, distrustfully, muttering "I told 'em" under his breath. He is accompanied by the dog, who appears to be whining or barking very quietly; one cannot quite hear it, and the Duck Man, who had decided to act like Bill Offler wasn't there. He is paying very close attention to the dog.

"Err, anyway, look at how he thrives in the face of adversity! Even though he is living in the epitome of squalor, he still acts happy, as if-"

"What are you calling squalor!?" demanded the Coffin' Henry

"-as if he doesn't even notice it"

The Duck Man, leaving his debate with the dog, stands up and said "Gaspode thinks it's time we went out for Mr de Worde."

The camera view cuts, once again, to Sator Square, where Foul Ole Ron, and his dog, are selling copies of the Ankh-Morpork Times newspaper.

"Notice how these noble creatures, though superior to normal humans, still retain vestiges of their hunter-gatherer, farmer and business origins; Foul Ole Ron is expertly manipulating the crowd with his cries-"

Cries that sounded suspiciously like "Bugrem!"

"-while Arnold Sideways is farming the second-hand clothing stalls with expertise-"

Presumably he was after old boots.

"-and Coffin' Henry is hunting for and gathering from those who appear to have money, and due to his brilliant handling they are giving him it without argument! Amazing, lets listen to how he does it..."

"If you don't , haaaruk-pah, give me a dollar, I'll..." he sneezes loudly all over his victims, "...keep following you!"

Surprisingly enough, they paid up.

"Well, I've just been told that that's all we've got time for today, so, over to you, Basil!"

The view flicks to one of Basil. His shirt is half undone and a giggle comes from beneath his desk.

"Er, thankyou, Bill, although you did have another twenty-five minutes, still, it'll be just another of these technical hitches, I suppose. Ah, yes, regarding that, I've been informed that for tomorrow's documentary we will have a whole new film crew and brand new equipment, so hopefully that will proceed without hitches. Now, onto an advert break..."

a/n, I'm not doing adverts. My beta is. I apologize.

The scene shifts onto Sergeant Colon, sitting alone at a bar with a tankard of some alcoholic substance before him. He obviously has not drank it yet, since he is still upright and still able to talk.

"Yes, well, before we had this miracle, life was quite a different matter for Nobby. You should've seen his face every Friday night after work."

Image cuts to Nobby Nobbs walking... no... stroll- journeying (on two feet) down the streets of Ankh Morpork. He nods his head to a scantily clad seamstress leaning against a wall. She sneers and disappears down an alleyway with a member of the thieves guild.

The pain is visible on Nobby's face. He enters a bar, and is jeered.

Scene cuts to Nobby at a different bar, a tankard of ale in front of him that is larger than his head.

"God, what was I thinking, walking around with that pathetic bow? No woman looked at me twice -come to think of it I don't think any of 'em saw me in the first place- and no one took me seriously."

Scenes of Nobby being shoved at a poker table. He shows his bow and watchman's badge, but they laugh and point.

(Nobby voiceover) "And then I was introduced to a new friend. A friend who stood up for me, who always listened, and never criticised my appearance. A friend who was always there..."

Back to Nobby at the bar. He raises above his head what can only be called in loose terms, a crossbow.

"Say hello to the Burleigh and Stronginthearm Dungeon-Dimension-Devastator 90003!"

The crossbow gleams. The crossbow bolt sparkles.

Back to Nobby at the bar: "My life's priorities changed. I learned to appreciate life, appreciate the things around me. The Burleigh and Stronginthearm Dungeon-Dimension-Devastator 90003 changed my life, no doubt about that..."

Scenes of people jostling Nobby. He raises the Burleigh and Stronginthearm Dungeon-Dimension-Devastator 90003 to the level of their face, which reminds them that it might not be there anymore if he should press this little lever right about here.

Scene cuts back to Sergeant Colon

"Nobby was just a new ma-... um, a new... pers-... He was a new individual after that. The Burleigh and Stronginthearm Dungeon-Dimension-Devastator 90003 gave him a confidence that alcohol never could."

We watch Nobby and Colon stroll out of the tavern, just as the earlier seamstress is being robbed by an unlicensed thief. Nobby raises the Burleigh and Stronginthearm Dungeon-Dimension-Devastator 90003 and the thief shrieks, drops the amusingly shaped purse and runs, screaming like a woman.

(Voice over): "The Burleigh and Stronginthearm Dungeon-Dimension-Devastator 90003! So much better than the Burleigh and Stronginthearm Dungeon-Dimension-Devastator 90002!!!"